Car-crash Farage to play clumsy Inspector Clouseau


Papers please!

As details of an assassination attempt on Nigel Farage become clear, the hapless UKIP leader is being touted as the new Inspector Clouseau.

During an interview on Good Morning Britain to explain his belief that he is under constant attack, Farage leapt behind the sofa, thrashed about screaming for a few minutes, then emerged, claiming he’d had to fight off a Bulgarian assassin.

“Phew, that was a close one,” he exclaimed to a bewildered Susanna Reid, who’d just asked if he might be exaggerating the seriousness of his car crash.

When Reid then invited him to prepare a favourite snack during the cookery segment, Mr Farage flung open the fridge door before reeling back, crying he’d been poked in the eye with a breadstick by an Afghan refugee hiding behind the cheese.

“Blimey, nearly bought it there,” panted the UKIP leader, his shirt stained dramatically blood red and smelling suspiciously of tomato.


Yet another mystery attacker…

The whole effect was so brilliantly clumsy and unconvincing that Farage was immediately offered the role of Inspector Clouseau in the upcoming reboot “The Purple Kipper”. “We had to find a hopeless idiot with no grasp of reality,” explained the movie’s producer, “But we never thought we’d find such a natural.”

Mr Farage eased on a sling, an eye patch and a bandolier, which he happened to have with him, and limped back to the sofa. “Have I shown you my video of being shot down by Syrian MiG – 29s in 2010? This acting lark is a doddle and I write the scripts too.”

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