Tag Archives: education

Parents claim victory after travel firms quadruple prices in term time

Communism in action

A consortium of concerned parents has claimed a moral victory after the proven legality of term-time holidays caused travel firms to immediately quadruple their non-holiday prices to cash in on the massive demand.

“We’ve always said it’s a scandal that travel costs in the holidays are raised artificially to exploit parents,” explained Ron Pratt, who refused to pay a £60 fine for taking his children to Florida, causing local authority to take him to court.

After the High Court found that there was actually nothing illegal in taking children on term-time holidays, the major travel companies have taken only days to massively raise their prices for the rest of the year.

“Now prices are the same all year round,” trumpeted a jubilant Pratt. “Instead of being forced to pay an undeserved £60 fine, I now have the right to pay £2500 more to go to Florida in September.” Continue reading

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Government plans to upgrade all schools to nice apartments

Playgrounds provide ample parking

The government revealed today that the next phase in its education policy is for all state-owned schools to converted as quickly as possible into nice apartments for rich people.

“This country has a fine school tradition,” explained chancellor George Osborne, “With some magnificent old buildings, many with high ceilings and lots of original features. With fewer children and better furniture we could be looking at some really good news for our friends’ building companies.”

“Renovation, renovation, renovation, that’s our motto.”

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Pupil assessment revamp welcomed by delighted teachers

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Nicky Morgan wonders if she could change the currriculum on Boxing day

The nation’s schools are today toasting Nicky Morgan, who plans to review how primary school pupils are assessed.

“That’s fantastic!” enthused Harold teaching assistant Carly Jeffery, when we broke the news to her this morning . “I’m bored with the current system, which is over a year old. Can you believe it, more than 12 months?” Continue reading

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Gove vows “I’ll find out if someone is responsible for education”

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Who might be responsible? Is it you Michael? Is it?

Michael Gove has blamed school governors, local authorities, the Education Funding Agency, Gerald, a lobster from Padstow, Ofsted and teachers for the ‘Trojan Horse’ scandal in Birmingham schools.

The Secretary of State for Education told a packed House of Commons of his concerns about the arrangements for monitoring schools.

“Yes, all those agencies are culpable, obviously. But what a shame there isn’t, say, one individual in charge of our education system.” said the Education Secretary to his stunned audience.

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Gove to ban Arabic Numerals from Maths curriculum

20140526-002053-1253646.jpgFollowing the decision by Michael Gove to remove some famous American literary works from the English Literature opting for more ‘traditionally english’ material such as the Conservative Party 1802 manifesto, he is also planning to ban the use of Arabic Numerals in maths.

“If Ukip’s recent success is anything to go by, then it is clear people want a more nationalist country” Gove explained in statement made in Latin. “That’s why we we intend to bring back good old Roman Numerals, or showing fingers and toes, or beans, the traditional English way.

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Why do Harold Mums know best – because I said so, that’s why.

gin-bad

Dietary advice not well received by parents

The National Association of Head Teachers (NAHT) is  issuing advice to parents about how to keep their children happy, news which has angered some in the local community. “Tell your children you love them, keep them clean, and let them help with exotic cooking” are some of the patronising tips which will appear in a leaflet to be sent home with parents.

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Local school regrets sending children home with ‘Clandestine Affair Bear’

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Could you love a little bear? No, not like that

St Mary’s Primary School’s ‘Billy the Bear’ will no longer be taken home each weekend by one of the children. Following some unusually candid electronic diary entries by the popular cuddly toy, Harold Headteacher Alison Lee has reluctantly put the cuffs on little Billy until further notice.

“We’re a broad church here at St Mary’s but we’ve grounded Billy until he gets some intensive remedial education. We are also worried about a possible identity crisis, because he always logs in as ‘Janice’. Ms Lee highlighted several recent ‘Billy’s Diary’ entries that caused concern, including:

‘Siobhan’s mum is a liar. I went in a helicopter did I? Bollocks. She put me in the recycling bin twice and then vomited on my fur. I’d report her to social services, but they never take bears seriously. Especially toy ones.’ Continue reading

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Children ‘asked to bring in bricks for school renovations’

Following cuts to school budgets, many parents are being asked to make voluntary contributions to building materials needed for urgent school renovation work, a survey says.

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For fuck’s sake, get me a wheelbarrow over here!

The Association of Teachers and Lecturers survey of 500 staff members in schools found 46% of parents were asked to bring in bricks or breezeblocks, with a futher 15% required to contribute cement, concrete or waterproof grouting.

Department for Education guidance says: “Nothing in legislation prevents a school governing body or local authority from asking for voluntary contributions for the benefit of the school or any school activities, especially a nice bit or tarmac for that dodgy carpark or some scaffolding if you don’t mind.”

It adds: “When making requests for voluntary contributions, parents must not be made to feel pressurised into paying as it is voluntary and not compulsory. However, children who do not contribute to building work may be required to sit outside in the rain, the tight-arsed little bastards.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Education

Tragedy narrowly averted as huge sinkhole opens up under Michael Gove

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Narrow escape for all of us

Locals were celebrating a ‘lucky escape’ this morning as a sinkhole measuring 50 meters deep opened up without warning in High Wycombe, completely swallowing up Education Secretary Michael Gove.

Locals woke up in the village of Walter’s Ash to find the enormous hole had appeared over night. It was not realised that Gove had been visiting the village until one householder noticed his ego just visible over the edge of the huge pit.

“It’s a miracle no damage was done,” said a Buckinghamshire Fire Services spokesman. “I’ve got kids at a local state school, and I can’t stress enough what a lucky escape they’ve had.” Continue reading

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Labour announce plans for ‘teacher MOT’ followed by teacher tax and third party insurance

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Labour’s shadow education secretary Tristram Hunt, has announced a Labour government would reintroduce plans for a ‘teacher MOT’ but also go one step further and make it mandatory for them to also pay for and display a tax disc and hold valid insurance.

“The MOT will take place every 5 years and would look at a teacher’s ability to engage a class, their ability to educate children , and an emissions test” Mr Hunt explained.

“Health and Safety officers have also asked us to check the tread depth of their shoes and make sure levels of caffeine are being kept topped up.

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UK falls down world education league tables; great result for Simon Cowell

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Shanghai may have clever kids, but do they have Jedward?

The UK has fallen outside of the top 20 in a world league table of educational standards, a result seen as “positive” by X-Factor creator, Simon Cowell.

“Having an education is one thing, but aiming for a decent career takes away people’s ambition to be famous for five minutes,” Cowell said.
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Student at the ‘University of Life’ to take a gap year

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After 37 years at the University of Life, Jon Sanders from Harold has decided to take a gap year to ‘enlighten his life’ by completing a law course at Dunstable University.

Mr Sanders has been a proud student at the University of Life since leaving school at 14, a fact he talks about with the pride, enthusiasm and smugness of an Oxbridge graduate.

“I was never the ‘academic type’,” Mr Sanders explained, “which would normally lead people towards art college or a media studies degree, but I decided to do all my learning in the real world.”

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Gove solves primary school places crisis: poor kids to attend houses of work instead

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Predator: do not let this man near your children

Education Secretary, Michael Gove, has announced that he has solved the current primary school places crisis by arranging for the children of parents who receive any form of state benefit and/or whose income places them in the lowest third of wage-earners in the country to be educated in houses of work instead of schools.

“This new system is of benefit to all,” Gove declared. “Your typical hard-working family – maybe he’s a Cabinet minister and she writes drivel that would shame a baboon for the Daily Mail – will no longer have their beloved children exposed to the kids of people who have failed in life. It is unfair to both sides for everyone to educated together. Rich children shouldn’t be expected to share and poor ones shouldn’t be encouraged to have aspirations.” Continue reading

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Local toddler escapes from nursery because “it is a bit shit”.

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A toddler has caused uproar in Harold after walking out of her nursery and walking 1.2 miles home as “it was a bit shit”.

Speaking on her return, the toddler said: “being surrounded by others that can barely string a sentence together, smell of pee and have a constant chocolate stain around their mouths started to become tedious for me and the other kids, especially as these idiots are supposed to be caring for us”

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‘Back to School’ clothes for Teachers being sold at Ann Summers

See me after the lesson ...

See me after the lesson …

With the end of the summer holidays fast approaching, the traditional ‘Back to School’ range for schoolchildren has been joined in the nation’s shops with a range of clothing for teachers wishing to freshen up their wardrobe for the start of term.

‘The leading stores have done their maths homework and realised that there is a market of 500,000 teachers out there’ said merchandising expert, Danny Foster, ‘so it is no surprise that they have latched on to this market.

Whilst the perennial ‘Geog Teacher’ range, featuring a brown cord jacket and elbow patches, remains a popular classic it has been joined by a number of more exciting, racier items as teachers try to identify with reluctant teenage learners. Continue reading

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GCSE exams to be graded using ‘smileys’ :(

Gove shows of smileys from both ends of the scale

Gove shows of smileys from both ends of the scale

After much debate over the future grading of GCSEs, the decision has been taken to move the marks into the 21st century. Scrapping the old A* to G system, and ignoring the 8 to 1 grading that has recently been proposed, Education Secretary, Michael Gove, has announced exams will now by marked using the Smiley Grading System.

With grades going from 😀 at the top end, down to 🙁 for those who have done less well, the visual representation will be easier for future employers to understand, and also gives a gentle way of informing less bright kids that they have proven themselves to be a bit thick. Continue reading

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New GCSEs to be based on ‘bloody fight to the death’

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Oh, well done, Jennifer!

A major shake-up for GCSEs in England has been unveiled, with a move away from coursework and continuous assessment in favour of a bloody life or death struggle where only the fittest and most ruthless will survive.

Pupils will face far more rigorous examination, with those studying English, for example, having to battle each other in a huge arena armed only with broken bottles. Maths, on the other hand, instead of setting types of questions that can be rehearsed, will require developed disembowelling skills and the ability to swallow a still-beating human heart.

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Gove to replace GCSE exams with Cowell inspired X-Levels

Amanda will bite your arse!

Amanda will bite your arse!

A leaked Government paper has revealed that Education Secretary, Michael Gove, is planning to shake up the examination system with the introduction of new X Levels, based upon the talent show The X Factor.

“We need to get kids to buy into the examination system,” said a leading Tory strategist, “and we’re willing to take tough decisions by calling Simon Cowell in to make this work. After all, we transformed the High Street by consulting with Mary Portas.” Continue reading

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Government bans maths

Soon to be as unfathomable as Nick Clegg's purpose.

Soon to be as unfathomable as Nick Clegg’s purpose.

David Cameron has announced at a press conference that the government has made maths illegal.

“We looked at what was best for Britain, what would help us move forward as a nation,” he said. “And the answer was obvious. What’s caused all our recent financial troubles that under George Osborne’s inspired and creative leadership as Chancellor of the Exchequer has got far worse than anyone imagined? Not sure that bit’s been written out properly, anyway it’s numbers. They are dangerous and so we going to ensure public safety by putting the understanding and manipulation of numbers beyond the reach of ordinary citizens.” Continue reading

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Villagers upset as Gove calls for longer school hours and shorter holidays

Gove indicates how many days holiday a year he want school pupils to have

Gove indicates how many days holiday a year he wants state school pupils to have

In a speech yesterday Education Secretary, Michael Gove, called for significantly longer school days and much shorter holidays saying that ‘we can’t afford to have an education system that was essentially set in the 19th century’.

In Harold however the pattern of school holidays reflects a much older need based on the calender of the once dominant Viking community who took their children out of school at certain times of the year to provide extra labour for long boat maintenance, pillage, and squirrels respectively. Continue reading

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