New GCSEs to be based on ‘bloody fight to the death’


Oh, well done, Jennifer!

A major shake-up for GCSEs in England has been unveiled, with a move away from coursework and continuous assessment in favour of a bloody life or death struggle where only the fittest and most ruthless will survive.

Pupils will face far more rigorous examination, with those studying English, for example, having to battle each other in a huge arena armed only with broken bottles. Maths, on the other hand, instead of setting types of questions that can be rehearsed, will require developed disembowelling skills and the ability to swallow a still-beating human heart.

The plans are the latest stage in Education Secretary Michael Gove’s drive to reconfigure the exam system in as bloody and painful a way as possible. “The Germans have a Geography teacher who can kill with a board rubber at fifteen paces,” he claimed this morning. “We need to start competing against those countries, because for far too long we’ve pretended that results are getting better, when all that’s been happening is that the exams haven’t been causing enough deaths.”

Teachers Union representatives were expected to show strong criticism of the changes, but have been unusually slow to comment, possibly mindful of the benefits of smaller class sizes.

Labour’s Stephen Twigg accused the government of creating “uncertainty” for pupils and parents, but was shouted down and murdered in the House of Commons by a combative Gove, naked apart from a Rambo-style headband and rude loincloth. The Education Secretary then dragged the lifeless body of his Opposition counterpart through both houses of Parliament, to no little applause.

Wales is not adopting the changes proposed for England, as with fighting already a traditional part of everyday life, there’s little need for any more.

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