Two little toys out of shot
Relieved Republican Party officials have finally persuaded a musician to perform at Donald Trump’s Presidential Inauguration – the well-loved Australian chart-topper Rolf Harris.
GOP insiders had been increasingly nervous that no top-ranking stars would agree to take part, after angry refusals from everyone who’s been on television in the last 70 years.
Absolutely everyone famous you’ve ever heard of respectfully declined their invitation to attend the ceremony, explaining that they had a sore throat, scheduling difficulties, and they thought Trump was an asshole.
Fortunately, the terms of Rolf’s open prison meant he was able to step in at short notice, ensuring Trump’s supporters would get the kind of entertainment they deserve.
It is believed that the star will be performing a set packed with favourites, including Two Little Boys, Tie me Kangaroo Down Sport, and I’m Jake the Peg (Grab them by the Pussy).
There have of course been concerns that associating with such an unpleasant character might be bad publicity, but Rolf is said to be fairly relaxed about this, provided Trump doesn’t get too close.
Revellers flock to new venue
The Glastonbury festival will henceforth be changing location every year in an attempt to prevent Coldplay from finding it, it has been announced.
The music festival has been running successfully since 1970 but has been plagued in recent times by a reoccurring outbreak of Coldplay, causing stress and discomfort for many attendees.
Coldplay first performed at Glastonbury in 1927, and have headlined the main stage every year since then, apart from a gap for the last war, when they played the acoustic tent.
“I’m a tolerant man,” insisted founder Michael Eavis, “But I’ve finally had enough.”
“We’ve made it too easy for them to find us, staying in the same place over the years. In 1972 we tried to confuse them by hiding the stage behind a plant pot, but by the Sunday they’d found it.”
“Next year we’re putting the entire festival under a hedge in Wales, and I’ll be buggered if I’m telling them where.”
Filed under Farming, music
Morrissey caught in the act
Morrissey’s animal rights crusade may all be an act as allegations emerge he’s a chronic chicken strangler and monkey spanker.
Morrissey, who as lead singer in the Smiths sung the vegetarian anthem ‘Meat is Murder’, has publicly and noisily advocated for animal rights, but it seems behind closed doors the pop icon is not averse to abusing animals for his own selfish pleasure.
Bono singing a few songs from the new album
‘A few songs from our new album’ has replaced ‘you’ll hardly feel a thing’ and ‘my mum’s coming to stay for a bit’ as the world’s most dreaded phrase.
The poll result was slightly surprising given the plethora of terror attacks and generally upsetting news, but it seems the horror of Bono, Eric Clapton, and co devoting a significant part of a concert to new material is undimmed.
Former Smiths front-man Steven “Morrissey” Morrissey spends his days quietly scanning the Times obituary columns for news of Queen Elizabeth II, knowing that when she finally does pass away, his 1986 Album ‘The Queen is Dead’ will most likely be swept to number 1 by a sombre, patriotic nation.
Morrissey practising his mournful look
“We [The Smiths] toyed with the idea of a perennial Christmas song, like Mariah Carey and Wham did, but the market was a bit crowded, so ‘How Soon is Christmas?’ eventually became the track we all know as ‘How Soon is Now?’, and ‘Santa in a Coma’ just got binned,” chirped the happy-go-lucky crooner.
“Then Johnny [Marr] said we should put down a track that played the long game – a little retirement bonus for us if you will – and we bounced around some ideas for blue ocean strategies, where we would be guaranteed to be the go-to track when some inevitable future event happened.”
That track was ‘The Queen is Dead’, and the album of the same name became one of the defining albums of the eighties, but Morrissey expects a revival of its success when the Queen finally does die.
Morrissey points to the boost Prince got when 1999 eventually happened, and the windfall enjoyed by The Primitives following the death of Princess Diana, and chuckles, “This is one set of royalties I’m really looking forward to.”
‘David Furnishings’, Littlehampton’s premier homeware and soft fabrics website, has mysteriously gone offline, it was reported today.
Customers had reported difficulties accessing the site over the last few days, and this morning it was completely inaccessible to any customers from the UK, although overseas browsers remained unaffected.
“It’s a disaster, to by honest,” explained proprietor Jeremy David, after whom the business is named. “It seems that only people abroad can see the site at all, and how many customers in Brisbane are going to want to buy a sofa cover from Littlehampton, even it is made from a soft but durable wool/polyester mix? Not many, I’ll tell you that.”
No one under 30 cares even slightly that you liked the Cure before they were popular, according to an informal survey of British workplaces.
They are also profoundly uninterested you saw Siouxsie and the Banshees play in a small North London pub in 1980, and had a joint with the band afterwards.
“Basically when I hear shit like this, I just think ‘sad old loser’,” said Melanie Delaney, 19.
Filed under Culture, music
“It will only seem like an eternity”
Ending speculation that it might be rested, ITV has delivered the crushing news that X Factor will continue until hell freezes over.
An ITV spokesman dismissed this as pure speculation and confirmed that the contract actually runs to 2017, “so it will only seem like an eternity”.
Following the announcement that he is going to soil David Bowie’s legacy by recording a rubbish tribute album, Kanye West has also insisted that he too should get a new constellation in his honour.
Scientists recently announced a new lightning bolt-shaped constellation has been registered as a memorial to Bowie, and Kanye immediately called for his own stellar tribute.
The same team of astronomers were quick to announce the new “Kanye Constellation” in the stars of Ursa Major, which has been informally named “The Knob”.
Jeremy Corbyn has hit the music scene with what critics say will be this year’s Christmas Number One.
A fabulous video now out of the kindly pensioner singing Happy Birthday Dear Katie has taken the UK by storm.
Harold media analyst Dr Lizzie Phillips says ‘out-of-tune’ is the new black. “He’s very popular. I’d definitely put a fiver on him winning X-factor.”
The video was tastefully shot in Cockermouth, showing Jeremy and Katie hugging in the cold air, surrounded by festive sand-bags.
Enorme tete de coque rouge
Following U2’s announcement that they are to record a song to show their solidarity with Paris, there has been massive popular enthusiasm for the suggestion that Bono should sing the classic French ballad “Je Suis Un Belle-Ende”.
A spokesman from the French embassy in London, visibly fighting back tears of emotion, explained to reporters today that the song referred to a symbol of protection for others, saving them from harm in the face of attack, and could be literally translated as “I am your helmet”.
Bono gave keen support to the idea in an interview to French journalists this morning.
“They tell me it’s a common French phrase, down on the streets. I think it is amazingly moving. I can feel myself being moved right now.”
Filed under music, News, Smug
Peace on you.
With only 3 days of December gone, violent episodes in offices and shops across the village have begun to soar as Christmas CD repeat plays hit intolerable levels.
Emergency services have reported a jump in the number of stapler based injuries and Dunstable hospital is calling for more blood donors following a spate of viscious paper cuts. Continue reading
Worst pantomime horse ever
The refugee crisis has taken a darker turn with the announcement that Bono and Bob Geldof are going to release a song about it.
“To people with nothing I offer the thing they really need: music,” said Bono. “I represent the refugees. They haven’t asked me to represent them. It’s cheeky but I hope they’re glad I do. I’m the man who said of Tony Blair and Gordon Brown ‘they are kind of the John and Paul of the global development stage, in my opinion. But the point is, Lennon and McCartney changed my interior world – Blair and Brown can change the real world’ what further proof of my expertise on politics and humanity do you need?” Continue reading
Hall and Oates are suing a cereal firm, claiming its ‘Turgid Shyte’ breakfast mix infringes their copyright.
The case accuses the Tuneless Krap Foods Company of breaking the law with its “obvious play on Daryl Hall and John Oates’ well-known musical style”.
‘Turgid Shyte’ is a nut-free cereal made from maple syrup and oats, described by its makers as a “back-to-basics flavour with all the empty pomposity of bland middle-of-the-road Eighties soul-lite”.
Hall and Oates started working together in the early 1970s, and have become one of the most successful duos in pop history.
Their hits include Maneater, I Can’t Go for That (No Rice Krispies), and Honey Bunches of Oats with Chocolate Clusters.
The duo protects its brand identity vigorously, and only recently forced a cigarette company to stop using the brand “Middle-Aged Waankers”
The boy’s mother, at press conference explaining mistake
More than one vinyl record has been sold in the UK so far this year – the first time the milestone has been achieved since 1996.
The figure marks a largely unexpected resurgence in an industry now considered to be dominated by digital.
Earlier this month, Pink Floyd’s The Endless River became the fastest-selling, and indeed only, vinyl release since 1997, with combined total sales of one unit.
The unexpected rise in sales to two – a 100% increase – was at first thought to be due to the amusing retro stylings of hipsters, but turned out to be merely a confused parent buying an Oasis album.
The Official Chart Company told the Evening Harold that if sales continue to increase at the current rate it will soon consider launching a “Top Three” chart.
Actually, yes. It is all about me. It always is.
Robbie Williams tried to distract his wife Ayda from her recent labour pains, with a spirited rendition of his hit song ‘Candy’ whilst she was in the maternity suite. “It was difficult to tell if it was working, because she usually whimpers when I’m performing.” said Williams.
The celebrity couple’s second child made a much-delayed appearance at Dunstable Royal Infirmary maternity unit as nurse Ærndís Vigfusson explained. “We’d already seen the baby’s head. But when Mr Williams started prancing about, the wee mite crawled back up the birth canal.
We had to coax him back out with some jelly tots and an exclusive contract with ‘Hello’ magazine.” Continue reading
Cheering music fans this morning
The Apple Corporation have won this year’s Mercury music prize for their new tool allowing customers to remove the U2 album which was forced into everyone’s iTunes collection.
The prestigious award is given only to individuals or groups who have made the biggest contribution to music in the last year, and eradication of the bloated sack of pretension that is Songs of Innocence certainly qualifies.
The music press has already compared the removal of the album with the release of the Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper, or the birth of Beethoven or Mozart – one of the landmarks in musical history which arrive at most once in a lifetime.
“It’s like a giant turd has been cleaned from a beautiful landscape,” gushed music journalist Peter Paphides this morning. “People may say that the removal of an item is an intangible non-thing, but is the absence of ugliness not beauty? Is the removal of pain not pleasure? And more importantly, U2 really are shit.” Continue reading