UK citizens are being advised to stay indoors and not touch anything on Friday 13 July when President Trump visits the Kingdom.
“Bad Luck and Weird Coincidences are happening all the time,” explained super-meta-physicist Milton Keynes, “but compound that with the Friday the 13th phenomenon and a visit from a madman, then we could all be in big, big trouble.”
“My advice is, stay indoors lock everything and keep still. Above all, do not walk under any ladders or attempt to straighten the hall mirror. Or watch the news.”
Church leaders and soothsayers are urging Mrs May to Continue reading
Tale as old as time…but she’s no Emma Watson
The UK Home Office has announced a £2.5 million public information campaign, aimed at raising awareness of bestiality laws, and reminding people that sex with animals is illegal.
High profile cases like that of Carol Bowditch, the Lincolnshire pensioner who was filmed having sex with several dogs at a bestiality party, unaware that she had done anything wrong, show that work needs to be done to ensure that others don’t unwittingly fall foul of the law by going too far with their pets, a Home Office spokesman explained.
Two hearts that beat as one…
There were protests in the international diving community today after conjoined twinsTom and Dan Goodfellow-Daley won Olympic gold yet again with a perfectly-synchronised dive in Rio.
The twins, who are joined at the shoulder, thigh and buttock, rose as one off the high board before executing a perfectly simultaneous double backflip and pike, hitting the water at the exact same second.
“It seems so unfair,” complained Eddie and Geoff Rutter, an entirely separate pair of synchronised divers from the English village of Harold. “We understand that they’ve overcome great obstacles in life to get where they are today, but we feel that the being synchronised bit just isn’t as hard for them.”
“I mean, we’ve practised the timing and everything for years. We’ve developed a near-telepathic sense of oneness. And we asked if we could use a huge piece of duct tape to stick ourselves together, but they said no. So where’s the justice?”
Filed under Dating, Olympics
Waste land may be bought up by NCP.
Following the unearthing of a Roman Villa during a barn conversion job in Wiltshire, the archaeologists had another surprise when they dug up a mosaic floor and found Aston Villa underneath that.
“We knew they were on the verge of relegation,” said Dr David Roberts, an Historic England archaeologist, “but hadn’t quite appreciated just how low a team can go. This one was buried under a thick layer of alluvial sediment.”
He said he didn’t know she was a sex worker. Well, he would say that, wouldn’t he?
The general public has welcomed news of a Tory sex scandal.
“Tax avoidance isn’t the easiest subject for people to get their heads around,” said villager Pippa Delaney, “but a good old fashioned romp in a gimp mask is something we can all definitely relate to.”
When Culture Minister John Whittingdale discovered he had done some sex work unwittingly with a sex worker, he immediately declared it in his personal ‘Register of My Member’s Interests’, or diary.
“Even though we were having sex,” he explained, “I did not know it at the time. I thought she was another member of the Culture Committee. Other times she was a plumber. It depended which game we were playing.”
Down with this sort of thing
Kremlin insiders have revealed that Russian President Vladimir Putin spends most of his evenings fearlessly trawling through the internet to find gay porn websites, so that he can have them blocked by his IT experts to prevent normal citizens from having to see them.
Russia is considering a ban on “gay emojis” – small cartoon pictures of people who happen to be the same sex – out of understandable fear that the tiny images might turn everyone homosexual.
The Russian president, however, has taken the further step of identifying every gay porn site on the web, the better to have them removed from the county’s internet.
“His stamina is incredible,” gushed one Kremlin insider. “He has investigated nearly every man-on-man site accessible from Moscow, at least the ones where the videos don’t take too long to download. We see him staggering down from his office in the mornings, barely able to hold himself upright.”
“Here is a man who can take it like few other men could.”
Putin’s enormous appetite for information has seen him exhaust the vast majority of the world’s gay porn, forcing the Kremlin to establish its own movie studio to produce enough output for the President’s continued researches.
Not content with saving Russia from cartoons and porn, Putin is now said to be seriously looking into whether western culture in general is putting the country at risk, and in the interests of research has purchased a Village People album, a pair of leather chaps and, confusingly, the box set of Mission Impossible films
“Sometimes I turn it on”
A housewife from the village of Harold has eloped with the family’s new ‘listening’ Samsung TV, claiming it pays far more attention to her than her husband ever did.
In an interview with the Radio Times, Elsie Renfrew, 42, explained that she had spent twenty years being ignored by husband Roger, and that the couple had in fact last exchanged greetings in 1997.
“Then we got this new Samsung telly,” she told journalists, “And suddenly I knew something was actually listening to me at long last – for once, something actually cared.”
The television, a FH6200 Series with 60″ screen (diagonal), features voice recognition for channel selection, volume control and wistful confidences about what you could have been if only you’d married someone with a bit more life to them. Continue reading
New pandas ‘up to 90% more randier’.
Edinburgh zoo is celebrating their first panda pregnancy, after doctors substituted the female with a spaniel in heat.
Tian Tian had initially appeared reluctant to mate with the male panda, Yang Guang. But by pioneering a technique that saw the female bear trapped under a bucket and replaced with a smallish three year-old dog, experts hoped to dramatically increase the chances of conception.
Expert Brian Sweeney explained that it hadn’t all been plain sailing.
Do that again and one will nut you, do you understand?
What started out as pomp and ceremony and a little light pecking ended in a near-brawl in Buckingham Palace last night after Irish President Michael D Higgins ‘had a bit too much to drink’ and started coming on to the Queen.
Rumours had previously suggested he ‘might try to get in there’ when Scotland moves out, but it seems he could wait no longer to declare himself to Her Majesty.
“Things started getting a little raucous during after-dinner drinks,” said Harold teenager Melanie Delaney (19) who works part-time as a Palace waitress.
DNA pool getting a bit murky.
A rare hybrid being that is part goat, part sheep, part donkey and part human boy child has been born on a farm on the outskirts of Harold Village.
The animal, referred to as a gooney boy, was born about two weeks ago on local farmer Lionel Garage’s farm.
The unexpected arrival is thought to be the result of mating between a goat, a sheep, a donkey and one of the potato-pickers.
Mr Garage said the cross-breeding was not intentional. “It was a pure shock to the system,” he said, “definitely a one-off.”
“I’ve never seen anything like him before,” he told the Evening Harold, “and I come from a long line of sheep-shaggers.”
An expert from Sotheby’s has confirmed that a medieval-looking manuscript he found in the kitchen of a vegetarian restaurant in Harold is an authentic Chaucerian artefact from the mid-fourteenth century.
Restaurant owner Pippa Delaney was incredulous on hearing the news. “I can’t believe how long I’ve been saying I must sort out that kitchen drawer,” she said.
“Quaint little villages like Harold are full of priceless gems from yesteryear, tucked away in cupboards and attics,” said the Sotheby’s expert. “I just had a gut feeling in Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! although that may have been the lentil and three-bean soup.”
“Well, thank goodness he asked for a rummage in my drawers,” said Pippa, “I would have put that smelly scrap of paper in the bin for sure. The mustiness was bad enough, but the handwriting and spelling were a disgrace.”
The opening skirmish of Operation “Cock and Awe”…
Following yesterday’s courtroom revelation that Tony Blair advised Rebekah Brooks on how to tackle her phone hacking problem, the nation is breathlessly asking itself today whether that is the only tackle he helped her with.
Blair is believed by many to have been steadily working his way through the sexual conquest of the entire female staff of News Corporation, from the highest Chief Executive’s wife down to the lowliest News of the World editor. Wendi Deng, the former wife of Rupert Murdoch, allegedly developed a passionate obsession with him, and fiery redhead Brooks may just have been the latest woman to need urgent help with her briefs. Continue reading
A 57 year old Harold man has gone to social media to highlight how his Valentine’s Day was ruined because of faulty flowers and chocolates purchased from the local Shell Station.
Local councillor Ron Ronsson says the flowers and chocolates seemed ok when he purchased them on the way home from the pub at 11pm on Valentine’s Day. But they deteriorated so badly on the 15 minute walk home that by the time he handed them to his wife, she threw them straight back in his face.
A horse doing an impression of the Princess Royal.
His Excellency Liu Xiaoming, the Chinese Ambassador to the UK, has been summoned to appear before an Environment Agency Committee to answer a charge of ‘insensitivity’ over introducing yet another Year of the Horse so soon after last year’s horsemeat scandal.
“We only just put the whole sorry business of horse behind us,” said Owen Patterson, Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs. “Now the Chinese seem intent on stirring up all the bad memories again.”
Hollande has experienced growth in certain areas.
Our reporter is at a press conference with the French President Francois Hollande. The President has stated he will not be drawn on the private matter of his alleged affair with a young actress:
Press: ‘Monsieur Hollande, your 75% higher tax rate looks set to reduce overall tax receipts, as the wealthy move their business interests to other European countries. Is political dogma more important than balancing the books?’
Hollande: ‘Please, please. It is too early to say qui will move in with qui, ou ‘ow much we might save dans les heating bills. That is a private matter between moi et un attractive actress 15 years plus younger than me. I want to focus dans le economy, not le exquisite firmness of her young, heaving bosom.’
Press: ‘The country’s credit rating was recently reduced for a second time. What are your plans to improve the cost of borrowing?
This week in our round-up of online dating profiles we’re looking beyond the borders of Harold and at the profile of an elderly gentlemen whose divorce was only finalised yesterday.
Good luck Rupert, we salute your eagerness to get back in the mix.
Name: Keith Rupert Murdoch. Likes to be known as Rupert and has a net worth of £8.3bn.
Star Sign: £8.3bn
Would like to meet: Quiet sheilah aged 20-30 with massive norks who sees a bloke for what he is and isn’t impressed by money.
In a move variously stated as being ‘inclusive’ or ‘desperate’, Mensa announced the creation of an associate member category called ‘Lensa’ based on looks rather than IQ. The new Lensa category is open to people who are in the 98th percentile of physical attractiveness regardless of whether they can recite Pi to 10 places or not.
Mensa spokesman Ethan Evans from Harold said that opening up membership was necessary to address the problem that none of the existing members were getting it on with each other.
‘Wedding video’ was widely watched.
A womaniser from Harold’s Shippam’s Estate is celebrating tonight, after securing his eighth full year of paternity leave. Dave Grobbelaar, 27, received the happy news by text message from ‘girlfriend’ Sandy Twittock, while feeling up her sister in the snug of The Squirrel Licker’s Arms.
While Grobbelaar claims to be ‘an all-round handyman’, those too close to him claim he’s inexperienced with all but one tool. Confirmed father of around 15% of the local population, Grobbelaar now has his own parking space at the Tarbuck antenatal clinic.
“Being a serial father can be a risky business”, claimed Grobbelaar, ‘you can’t rely on paternity leave, unless you’re sure the mum is working.”