A spokesman for Barclays said: “It is looking like FIFA may have had some dodgy dealings happening through their accounts for the last 25 years. That’s impressive in anyone books, and we know about dodgy books. Continue reading
Author Archives: Perks
The updated folders were delivered to the council offices on Friday, but due to their now excessive weight they have been left on the floor, surrounded by highly visible tape, a warning sign, and a copy of the council’s public liability insurance certificate.
“The delivery driver romantically dropped off the training material on bended knee, with a straight back, and arms at shoulder length,” Joan Willis, the council’s health and safety officer said. “It was text book manual handling. Well at least we think it was.
“Sadly we can’t be sure as the amount of health and safety rules we now need to follow means the health and safety training manual is too heavy for anyone to move and check.”
Speaking from the prison cell some believe should be Sepp Blatter’s new office, one of the arrested men explained he had his lawyers working with some of the best accountants in the land to secure his release.
Speaking after losing his seat to the SNP, Danny Alexander said he can now see the dangers of reducing benefits for those who find themselves out of work and thinks now would be a good time to reverse the cuts and sanctions he once supported.
Following the type of victory in one country normally reserved for dictatorships, Mr Kim has said he was impressed at the lack of purging of political opponents involved in her landslide.
“I can’t help but get a general who fears for his life to take my hat off to her”, the North Korean leader said.
“Nothing brings an oppressed community together like the impending birth of an over privileged white child” one protester said.
The skeletons are currently locked away in a closet somewhere in the central London, however it is looking increasingly likely they will only see the light of day when a few more Lords and Ladies have died.
This was the first time Murray had made it to the final round of a relationship.
“I played really well early on” Murray explained “and easily saw off opponents in the chatting up rounds.
Once upon a time, friends sharing pictures of their every meal was the staple diet of social media. Periscope takes that to the next level giving you the chance to watch them cook it, and eat it, all in real time leaving you to realise that turning down every invitation to a dinner party they were having was pointless.
And for those of you that think other people’s kids are, on the whole, snotty little infection spreading devil creatures, you’ll be glad that now you don’t have to flick through the 30,000 pictures of little Tommy on the swing to create the illusion of him moving, you can watch him do it live, hoping to God he falls out at least giving you something to laugh at.
To the delight of the NSA and GCHQ, Periscope is not only for your friends to show you in real time that their cat is “soooooooo cute” because the furry rugby ball can lick its own arse while purring like every other cat. You can also use it to spy on people from all over the world, with their consent.
This has led to endless mind-numbing live streams of news anchors and reporters using Periscope to show them reading the news. This is a truly amazing and eye-opening revelation for anyone unable to get to grips with the complex operation of turning on the TV.
Periscope has also become the new home on the Internet for perverts who think that a woman pointing a camera at themselves is an automatic invitation for requests to ‘show your tits’, with many of the perverts unable to even stretch their vocabulary to the full sentence of the request opting instead for just one word, ‘boobs’.
So all in all, everyone live streaming every detail of their mundane lives is frankly a novelty that we hope will wear off soon or hopefully evolve quicker than many of the knuckle draggers that fill up some of the comments.
Now we must shoot off and watch more of this highly addictive rubbish so we can sneer at it a bit more. We might even live stream a bit ourselves. Have you seen what our office blame monkey Cleggsy McCoy looks like on the toilet?
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“We thought we had dealt with this illness that sees them confuse paparazzi stalking and soft core perversion with news,” The MailOnline’s therapist told us.
“All we want is a living wage” one worker explained, “which if you own this castle is about £40m a year and a few rent-free houses”
‘Not being allowed to punch someone at work, it’s PC gone mad’. The Internet reacts to Clarkson’s sacking
The BBC made the decision that verbally abusing someone followed by a physical assault that sent them to A&E crossed the line, a decision that was “PC gone mad” according to the Internet.
“If you can’t punch a colleague when you are hungry, then what can you do?” one Daily Mail commenter said but with many more spelling mistakes.
Sadly England lost the inaugural game, going down to a 134-0 defeat amid some questionable tactical decisions.
Leading the England forward attack were Prince William and Hugh Grant, two players considered to be the embodiment of Englishness.
Sadly the game was lost when these two giants in the game started talking in German from the first whistle
The team’s manager, Queen Elizabeth couldn’t hide her frustration from the touchline and was heard to shout to her players “was machst du?”
Speaking at her post match press conference, QE2 told reporters: “By speaking German they lost us the game. Obviously the rules state you need to speak perfect English, with more points awarded the more plums you have in your mouth.
“But speaking another language isn’t in the rules of being English. We tried to win the game back by having Steve McClaren come on and start speaking to foreigners in English but with a bad foreign accent and a slightly raised voice, but the game was already lost.”
England’s chances had already taken a blow before the match had even started. Typical English Tory toff Jacob Rees-Mogg was due to be playing the vital midfield dynamo role but sent his Swiss nanny on instead.
The support from the fans was also disappointing from an English point of view. Known for following the England football team in a traditional brassy way, the England Supporters Band turned up to get behind the team. Although confusion set in when they substituted ‘The Great Escape’ for the French national anthem played on vuvuzelas.
A last minute attempt to win the game came as everyone on the England team indulged in a round of binge drinking, throwing up, and fighting each other for no apparent reason, but sadly this all came after the final whistle and outside the stadium.
Unfortunately, things don’t look good for the future of England in the new sport of being English. Losing this inaugural game so emphatically can only be a bad omen seeing as they didn’t yet have an opponent.
Harold resident and owner of the village’s trendiest establishment with ‘Veggie!’ in its name, Pippa Delaney, has spoken exclusively to the Evening Harold about a nightmare she had on Friday morning during a brief nap at 9:30am where she dreamt she was voting Conservative.
Although the nightmare was purely in Pippa’s head, the lover of all things organic swimming in manure says the experience is one she will never forget, and hopes it is a once in a lifetime event.
“The dream was so vivid I remember it like it was real,” Pippa told us. Continue reading
Speaking outside the party’s HQ he said: “I know I look like Grant Shapps, and I sound like Grant Shapps but I think it’s important that I separate my lying, dishonest business persona from my lying, dishonest politician persona in order to keep my integrity. Continue reading
With Labour seemingly reluctant to rule out doing a deal with the SNP to secure a coalition after the next election, the Conservative party have come under equal pressure to rule out doing a deal with the Devil to stay in power for five more years.
Speaking about his upcoming budget, George Osborne was asked whether doing a deal with the Devil would be a line the Tories were willing to cross.
“Obviously it is our intention to win the the election outright,” Osborne said, “but should the situation arise that the only way we can get across the line is to make a pact with the leader of Hell then so be it.
The plans, which if successful will be rolled out across the country, will see an agent from MI5 or GCHQ put into the corner of every living room in the village disguised as a standing lamp holding a laptop in a bid to be unobtrusive yet able to note down your every word.
With Top Gear repeating on “the home of witty banter” more than Brussels sprouts repeat on the consumers of a Christmas dinner, it has become a staple of their schedule. The potential cancellation of the hit show will leave a massive gap on the channel.