Author Archives: Golgo13

Government launch campaign to raise awareness of bestiality laws

Tale as old as time…but she’s no Emma Watson

The UK Home Office has announced a £2.5 million public information campaign, aimed at raising awareness of bestiality laws, and reminding people that sex with animals is illegal.

High profile cases like that of Carol Bowditch, the Lincolnshire pensioner who was filmed having sex with several dogs at a bestiality party, unaware that she had done anything wrong, show that work needs to be done to ensure that others don’t unwittingly fall foul of the law by going too far with their pets, a Home Office spokesman explained.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Advertisments, Dating, Farming, Golden Showers, News, Pets, Police, Society

United Airlines security drag ‘grateful’ Sean Spicer from Whitehouse press briefing

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has thanked a United Airlines security squad who stepped in after he became unable to stop declaring that Adolf Hitler did not use chemical weapons during World War Two.

“I just couldn’t stop saying outrageous things, digging myself deeper and deeper into this hole. My brain could hear the words coming out of my mouth, but it was powerless to stop the flow, so I can only thank these airline thugs for stepping in when they did and dragging me away from the lectern.”

In the hastily arranged press conference to handle Hitler-comparison-gate Spicer also expressed his gratitude for the bloody nose they gave him. “I didn’t ask them to hit me in the face, but these guys knew in that split second that it was what I needed most. Good work, men, and God bless America. ”

But Spicer may have stirred fresh controversy by going on to praise the United Airlines team’s ability to follow orders as “more committed than even the most diligent SS guards”

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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Golden Showers, International News, News, Trump, USA

UK Brexit negotiators to bargain ‘with actual chips’

EU citizens in the UK, British citizens living abroad, and now Gibraltar.

The list of things that are ‘not on the table’ and ‘will not be used as bargaining chips’ grows ever longer. But sources close to the government have revealed that we might end up bargaining with actual chips!

UK negotiators could bring parcels of our piping hot, newspaper-wrapped national dish and offer chips, a battered sausage, or even a bite of fishcake in exchange for “the best possible deal for the United Kingdom”.

Access to free market…fancy a chip, Angela?
Access to health services for Brits…batter scraps, Monsieur?

However, UK negotiators could snatch away the bargaining chips at the last minute and eat them all by themselves, warn sources, and the EU team would just have to lump it.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Brexit, Food, Health, Hoildays, International News, News, Politics, referendum

April Fool story pranks Evening Harold readers – pranks them real good

There were red faces and some ‘lolz’ up and down Harold High Street when it emerged that many readers had been taken in by one of our April fool stories – but did you spot it?

Residents awoke to a straight-faced article on the business pages of our off-line version that explained how Mexican regulators had given the go ahead for the Industrial and Commercial Bank of China (ICBC) to take a ‘significant’ share of the local operations of Grupo Financiero Banorte, S.A.B. de C.V., (Banorte), one of the big four Mexican commercial banks.

But the joke was on them, because nothing of the sort had happened, and it appears many readers believed the story, answering “yes” when asked if they believed the story.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Business, Crime, Hoildays, Holidays, idiots, Society

Lab analysis of local kebab shop chili sauce finds ‘zero semen’ shock

Mystery solved

Mystery solved

Scientists at Dunstable Metropolitan University were stunned by results of a DNA analysis of the chili sauce at local Harold kebab shop I Shish You Not!, when data showed that no human semen was present, a new report revealed today.

“We had always assumed that the employees were rubbing themselves off like a troop of monkeys back there,” commented Dr Pauline Copland, lead food scientist at Dunstable Met where the study was performed.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Around Harold, Business, DNA, Food, Health, News, science, spam

Public now nostalgic for when the news, social media was all celebrity deaths

Public would now accept the death of three national treasures to escape referendum debate on Facebook

Public would now accept the death of three national treasures to escape referendum debate on Facebook

The dreadful sequence of deaths of much-loved musicians, comedians and actors that saw in the year now looks like a golden age of feel-good news against the nightly horror show the public suffer now, says everyone.

As sad as it was to lose Bowie, Rickman, Wogan and Wood, there was a sense of gladness for having known them and their work which is completely absent from the current onslaught of unadulterated misery.

And as a bewildering bonfire of hatred and rage threatens to engulf their Facebook timelines, people are longing for a return to the simple times when all they had to do was tweet about how sad they are that a singer has died.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, breaking news, Entertainment, EU referendum, Europe, Facebook, Law and Order, News, Nostalgia, Obituary, Showbusiness, Social media, Society, USA

Morrissey expecting “major ker-ching” when Queen dies

Former Smiths front-man Steven “Morrissey” Morrissey spends his days quietly scanning the Times obituary columns for news of Queen Elizabeth II, knowing that when she finally does pass away, his 1986 Album ‘The Queen is Dead’ will most likely be swept to number 1 by a sombre, patriotic nation.

Morrissey practising his mournful look

Morrissey practising his mournful look

“We [The Smiths] toyed with the idea of a perennial Christmas song, like Mariah Carey and Wham did, but the market was a bit crowded, so ‘How Soon is Christmas?’ eventually became the track we all know as ‘How Soon is Now?’, and ‘Santa in a Coma’ just got binned,” chirped the happy-go-lucky crooner.

“Then Johnny [Marr] said we should put down a track that played the long game – a little retirement bonus for us if you will – and we bounced around some ideas for blue ocean strategies, where we would be guaranteed to be the go-to track when some inevitable future event happened.”

That track was ‘The Queen is Dead’, and the album of the same name became one of the defining albums of the eighties, but Morrissey expects a revival of its success when the Queen finally does die.

Morrissey points to the boost Prince got when 1999 eventually happened, and the windfall enjoyed by The Primitives following the death of Princess Diana, and chuckles, “This is one set of royalties I’m really looking forward to.”

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Filed under Art, Business, Culture, Entertainment, music, News, Nostalgia, Obituary, Royals

Part-Kenyan Obama’s ancestral hatred of Britain ‘tip of the iceberg’ says new report

Is this some kind of bust?

Is this some kind of bust?

Obama’s removal of the Churchill bust from the Oval Office confirmed, as Boris Johnson pointed out in his article for The Sun newspaper, that he carries the anti-Brit gene inherited from his Kenyan side, but a new report suggests that this is just the latest in a long line of US Presidents unable to think or act rationally due to dodgy DNA.

The damning report slammed several post-war US presidents, and if speculations are to be believed, what they could have done to the Churchill statue behind closed doors makes what Obama did look pale by comparison.

Dwight Eisenhower – or to give his surname its proper spelling ‘Eisenhauer’ – was of course part German, a country with whom Britain has seldom been allies. Therefore, the report claims, he almost definitely carried the anti-UK mutation, even if he was not aware of it. Despite their good relationship in real life, some suggest that in private, Eisenhower could have made fun of our nation’s greatest leader by making the statue eat sauerkraut or sausages with mustard on.

Fast forward to the sixties and we find part-Irish John F. Kennedy in the Whitehouse. The report points out that the Irish ancestral hatred of Britain is second-to-none, and it is thought that while praising Churchill in public, it is most likely Kennedy allowed his many mistresses to give him oral sex in full view of Britain’s war-time PM’s disapproving statue eyes.

Another part-Irish chief executive, Bill Clinton, is likely to have done even worse, maybe full sex, or anal, and Clinton’s now-infamous ‘cigar incident’ could well have been a direct mocking reference to Churchill’s fondness for smoking them in his tight-lipped yet moist, yielding mouth.

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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, EU referendum, Europe, News, Politics, Sex, War

Shoplifting ban should be suspended, rules court of appeal, as ‘everyone knows how to get past security bloke’

Now nick & collect, rule judges

Now nick & collect, rule judges

A court order banning the theft of goods from Tesco Express in Harold has been lifted. Court of Appeal judges accepted local thief Mark Kettle’s bid to lift the ban, and said the overt pilfering of items from the shop could start, pending a possible appeal from the manager.

The judges said the practice of nicking jars of coffee and packets of Haribo from Tesco Express had now been widely established and it was no longer in the public interest to maintain the ban.

They gave the shop time to apply to take the case to Dunstable Supreme Court. In the ruling, they said there must be no theft leading to getting caught before 13:00 BST on Wednesday. The shop has until 10:00 BST today to submit arguments to the Supreme Court.
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by | April 19, 2016 · 9:17 am

Staff, classmates, swear oath never to share secret of long division with Disneyland absentees

Term time Disney - as empty as her education.

Term time Disney – as empty as her education.

Children returning to school after term-time trips abroad could face a wall of silence around work they have missed while taking advantage of cheaper fares.

That’s the recommendation of teachers who see fines as ineffective against low- and middle-income parents who believe they have a right to go on discounted vacations in June that they couldn’t have afforded at summer market prices.

“Parents may think their children can catch up, or get the worksheets they missed – but if these measures are introduced, they will not even be informed what topics were covered while they were away. They won’t even know there is a 7-times table,” warned Carly Jeffery, assistant teacher at St. Mary’s primary school. Continue reading

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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Children, Education, Holidays, Law and Order, News, Politics, Tourism, Travel

Rogue community “Fed up” with being blamed for everything at work

ArthurDaley

“Emissions? No, this cigar has a catalytic converter.”

Rogues have come a long way from the fifties and sixties, where they were marginalised into cheeky but loveable roles on the fringes of the economy; think George Cole as Arthur Daley.

You now find rogues occupying important roles in industry, finance and the public sector. But there is still “much to do” say leading rogues, as they continue to be blamed for many of societies ills.

From institutional racism in the police, to systematic greed in the banking sector, the finger is often pointed at a rogue.

And now VW, who find themselves engulfed by emissions test fixing scandals, are suggesting that rogues working as engineers at VW are to blame.

“We just do what they allow us to do,” writes an anonymous rogue in a book that promises to ” lift the lid ” on rogue culture, breaking their strict code of silence.

“Or we just do what everyone else is doing…but with a naughty glint in our eye, and a cheeky smile.”

However rogue community leaders have distanced themselves from the new book, dismissing it as the work of a rogue rogue.

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Filed under Business, environment, Motoring, News

107 year old man banned from Sports Centre offering “Fun for everyone aged 6 to 106”

Sports centreHarold’s oldest man was thrown out of Dunstable Sports Centre by two over-zealous bouncers when they saw he was not in the age range that the Centre’s leaflets claimed it had fun for.

As startled visitors to the Centre looked on, Alfred “Fred” Spanner (107) was marched out of the complex in an armlock and dumped on the pavement outside, being told that, “there’s nothing for you here” by the bouncers.
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Filed under Around Harold

‘Brave’ men to go into work unshaven and dishevelled for bollock cancer charity

John Virgo - Everyday Hero

John Virgo – Everyday Hero

With over £2m raised by the recent “no make-up selfie” viral campaign, men are now being inspired to go even further to do their bit.

In the past few days, hundreds of thousands of ‘courageous and empowered’ women have posted pictures of themselves without make-up on social media, raising awareness for a charity, earning praise for their fearlessness, and inspiring the men working at Harold’s Knife and Scissors factory to do something – and now their idea has gone viral under the hashtag ‪#‎WeCanBeHeroes‬ .

‘We don’t wear make-up, but we knew that if we had the guts to do it, we could look a proper mess showing our inner beauty if we didn’t shave or brush our teeth for a few days,’ said Ben Chobham who helped come up with the idea. ‘Then things just snowballed from there!’

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Filed under Around Harold, charity, Lifestyle

“That’s enough experiments to show kids how fast a photo can go round the Internet, now,” says Internet.

Teachers now resorting to extreme methods to show kids how dangerous internet is

Teachers now resorting to extreme methods to show kids how dangerous internet is

The Internet’s patience wore dangerously thin last night as yet another picture of an American 9th grade teacher holding up a sign was wearily shared on social media.

The exercise, supposed to warn teens of the potential risks of posting information and images online, has quickly become a tedious cliché and the Internet warned yesterday that we are close to the snapping point of its benevolence towards well-meaning junior high school teachers.

“OK, the first couple of times it was a fresh way to engage kids, and we all wanted to help them out – I’m sure the share and like numbers were very impressive,” commented a visibly annoyed Internet, “but I swear to god if I see one more of these bullshit copy-cat requests, I’m going to write a bunch of sarcastic comments or do a parody meme with cats. I haven’t thought it through yet, but it will be pithy and cynical,” the Internet added.

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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Culture, Education, Sex, spam, Technology

Duke of Cambridge’s ‘free pass’ to study at Cambridge ‘tip of the iceberg’ says local historian

Thick as pig shit? Or time-honoured tradition?

Thick as pig shit? Or time-honoured tradition?

The news that the Duke of Cambridge will spend a term studying a “bespoke” course in agriculture at Cambridge University has prompted a backlash from other students who resent him being given a “free pass” when they had to work so hard to get there.

But this isn’t the first time aristocrats have used their connections to gain entry to namesake seats of learning says Jason Simms, a local author and expert on the education of Britain’s nobility.

“One example that most people will remember was when the 5th Earl of South Bank side-stepped London South Bank University’s entry requirements to do a foundation course in Psychology, but there is in fact a much longer tradition of royals choosing to study at universities that have the same name as them.”

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Filed under Education, Farming, News, Royals, Uncategorized

‘Mock the Week’ scoring fixed say Abu Hamza, Prescott, Bieber

Fingers pointed at Mock The Week

Fingers pointed at Mock The Week

As embittered former Home Secretary David Blunkett calls for satirical television programmes such as Mock The Week to face tougher scrutiny from libel lawyers, other sourpuss victims of the BBC show’s lazy humour are urging government media watchdogs to go further and investigate the ‘suspicious’ scoring system used by the BBC on the show.

An unlikely ‘Coalition of the Mocked’, including pop-star Justin Bieber, former deputy PM John Prescott and Muslim cleric Abu Hamza have called the show’s integrity into question and say that point scoring is arbitrary at best, and at worst could be fixed, which would ‘seriously undermine viewer trust in the Corporation’.

Media insiders say that the BBC, already reeling from the controversy over executive pay-offs and the Jimmy Savile scandals, will do anything to avoid another parliamentary enquiry and are doing their best to block this, but they could be powerless in the face of a damning dossier prepared by the group.

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Filed under Art, Culture, Politics, Showbusiness

Millions now claiming they ‘always hated Man U’

From the 2014 'Moyes Looking Upset' calendar

From the 2014 ‘Moyes Looking Upset’ calendar

Back-to-back losses in the Premier League, a lacklustre win against travel-weary Ukrainian opponents in the Champions League, closer to the relegation zone than the top of the table – you would think there has never been a better time to hate Manchester United – But that’s the problem, say dedicated Manchester United hater groups, as the internet drowns in amateur Man U mockers quick to join in the sneering season.

“It’s easy to mock them when they’re losing 1-0 at Stoke on a rainy Wednesday night, but where were these Johnny-come-lately misery hunters when Man United were winning everything?” moaned one die-hard hater on The Manchester United Haters Club Facebook page. “They don’t even know the basics like writing ‘ManUre’ in blogs to show you hate them”

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Filed under Sport, Uncategorized

Local Teen wins Wet T-shirt Contest

Katherine's winning T-shirt

Katherine’s winning T-shirt

Harold teenager Katherine Hallet, 16, took home the top prize at the Dunstable wet T-shirt competition this weekend, beating out competitors in a very strong field, which included professionals from throughout the region.

Katherine’s T-shirt, featuring a Sponge-Bob Square Pants design, had been soaked overnight in brine, before being presented in a Tesco bag-for-life. Judges praised the Katherine for the nod to sustainability in her choice of bag, and made special mention of the sheer volume of moisture the shirt had absorbed.

Second prize went to octogenarian Ruby Butler for her cider and urine saturated M&S pure cotton scoop-necked indigo T-shirt, while third place went to Harold Thursday star striker Luis Nutter, for his sweat and rain soaked white Nike tee that he had left in his locker since his ban for a minor cannibalism incident began last month. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Fashion, News

Terence Stamp returns for Bank Holiday Hide-and-Seek

Coming. Ready or not.

Coming. Ready or not.

Harold Village Council are pleased to welcome back Terence Stamp as the celebrity hider in the annual Bank Holiday hide-and-seek game, marking the fifth time that the star of Superman II has graced the bushes, alleys and gaps under cars of Harold.

This year, Stamp, who played General Zod in the first two ‘Man of Steel’ franchise films, has agreed to donate his three-figure appearance fee to the village hall fund supporting victims of the stomach-churning events of 29/9.

“When I heard that the phone booth where I hid for part of the 2010 hide-and-seek game had been destroyed in the 29/9 attrocities, I knew that this year I had to do something special.”

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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Around Harold

Management Studies prodigy earns place at Dunstable Metropolitan University

ProdigyMeet Simon Kettle – Harold teenager, school badminton club member and from October, the youngest undergrad at Dunstable Metropolitan University, reading Management Studies.

The 14-year-old’s stream of pseudo-profound motivational jargon is such that even his head of General Studies at The Shining Future Academy and IT Achievement Haven (formerly Harold Comprehensive), Clive Morris, is unable to keep up.

“He was spouting vacuous soundbites almost as soon as he could talk,” said proud Mum, Julie Kettle, owner of Cuts Both Ways scissor emporium on the High Street. “He was all ‘actualise this’ and ’empower that’. Our main challenge has always been creating opportunities for him to talk claptrap with professional tossers of a much higher level.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Education, News