UK Brexit negotiators to bargain ‘with actual chips’

EU citizens in the UK, British citizens living abroad, and now Gibraltar.

The list of things that are ‘not on the table’ and ‘will not be used as bargaining chips’ grows ever longer. But sources close to the government have revealed that we might end up bargaining with actual chips!

UK negotiators could bring parcels of our piping hot, newspaper-wrapped national dish and offer chips, a battered sausage, or even a bite of fishcake in exchange for “the best possible deal for the United Kingdom”.

Access to free market…fancy a chip, Angela?
Access to health services for Brits…batter scraps, Monsieur?

However, UK negotiators could snatch away the bargaining chips at the last minute and eat them all by themselves, warn sources, and the EU team would just have to lump it.

“Offering them the bag, then snatching it away when they reach for a chip would have to be a last resort, of course, but we’d be foolish to say it’s an option we’re not prepared to carry out. If they started pushing for maroon passports for example.”

Top negotiators do not want to reveal their hand, but pickled eggs could also be deployed.

“We would start eating the chips in a very ostentatious way and loudly commenting to each other about how delicious they were, rubbing our tummies and then snigger at their packed lunches made by their mums.

“We might hold the bag out and let the smell of the best chips in the world waft across the bargaining table as they cry into their snails and sauerkraut or whatever muck it is they eat over there.

“One way or another, we’ll have had our chips and eaten them!”

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