Tag Archives: Spoof news

by | March 6, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Fears for health of Pope Francis raises real possibility of Benedict’s resurrection

Back from the dead?

Back from the dead?

Concerns were expressed last night for the health of Pope Francis after he was seen struggling for breath during an Ash Wednesday mass at St Peter’s Basilica.

The Pope, 77, was seen in difficulties shortly after the start of the service and had to cut his sermon down to a mere 75 minutes.

Questions about his health have seriously raised the possibility of the return of Pope Benedict who resigned the papacy only last year, ironically due to health issues. Vatican insiders have suggested that Francis may be forced to take a break whilst he regains his strength, which has paved the way for a symbolic resurrection for Benedict in time for Easter.

Whilst Francis was portrayed as a vigorous youth when compared with his predecessor, it has to be acknowledged that in civilian life he would be regarded as an old codger who spends most of his time in post office queues grumbling about Eastern Europeans. Continue reading →

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by | March 4, 2014 · 11:00 am

30,000-year-old virus ‘comes back to life’, complains about the weather

I'm used to the cold, but this cold would get right into my bones if I had any

I’m used to the cold, but this cold would get right into my bones if I had any

An ancient virus has come back to life after lying dormant for at least 30,000 years and immediately started grumbling about the weather, rude young people, and how everything was better ‘in its day’.

Found frozen in a deep layer of Siberian permafrost the virus was thawed out by French scientists and became infectious once again, before spending fully three hours complaining about everything from the incessant rain to not being able to understand smart phones. Continue reading →

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by | March 3, 2014 · 11:01 am

Mad Pistorius tries to turn murder trial into Oscar Ceremony

oscarFears were expressed for the mental health of athlete Oscar Pistorius, after he bounded into his trial kissed the guard on both cheeks and launched into an acceptance speech thanking “the producers, my parents and, of course, my wonderful girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp, without who none of this would have been possible.”

Medical experts believe that Pistorius, the self-styled Blade Runner, may be suffering from a condition known as Oscar Fever which leaves victims believing they are starring in a movie and events of everyday real life are a screenplay they are acting out. It is a common affliction in places such as Hollywood. Continue reading →

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by | March 2, 2014 · 11:00 am

Romanian TV’s ‘Escape to the Country’ participants always choose England

escapeThere was a further blow to PM David Cameron’s pledges on immigration yesterday when it was revealed that the Romanian version of pensioners’ favourite, ‘Escape to the Country’, consistently promotes the England as the best country for economic refugees seeking a fresh start.

The show, which has become a cult classic at the GCHQ reconnaissance centre, follows a similar format to the British version but instead of looking at homes, prospective emigrant couples are shown around three countries, two meeting their exact specifications and then a mystery country which is a little different and always turns out to be England.

In the programme we watched, Natalia and Ovidiu Demestrescu from Bucharest told a Romanian Aled Jones that they were looking for a European country with character, period features and good social services to accommodate the six children they were planning. They had a budget of zero to play with.
Continue reading →

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by | February 28, 2014 · 11:00 am

Labour ‘sorry’ after revelation Gary Glitter led the party for most of 70s

glitter-thatcher

Gary Glitter in his heyday enjoying a joke with political rival Margaret Thatcher

The Labour party has apologised for “getting it wrong” after revelations that the party was led for much of the 1970s by notorious paedophile Gary Glitter.

A spokesman admitted Labour was “naive” over its links with Glitter, but insisted that paedophilia was now almost totally eradicated from the party, and had only ever been a “minority interest”.

After losing the 1970 general election, Labour famously decided to widen its appeal by seeking new members from the entertainment industry, and figures such as Glitter quickly rose to positions of importance. The present-day party’s insistence that child molestation was not widespread is perhaps questionable, given the presence in the shadow cabinet of Jimmy Savile, Stuart Hall,  and the “Child Catcher” out of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Continue reading →

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by | February 27, 2014 · 2:30 pm

The evidence! Ten damning facts about Harriet Harman’s dark past

HHMore startling evidence has emerged of Harriet Harman’s links to the notorious Paedophile Information Exchange. After several minutes’ investigation, the Evening Harold has come up with ten facts that the Deputy Labour Leader will struggle to deny.

1. Harriet Harman lives in London which is full of paedophiles. She is bound to have walked past one in the street or worse sat next to one on public transport. Try denying that one!

2. Harriet Harman is an MP and they are all dodgy in one way or another.

3. Even more damning, she represents Peckham in Parliament. We all know Peckham is a full of criminals. You only have to watch old episodes of “Only Fools and Horses” for evidence.

4. Harriet Harman has been linked to PIEs since a steak and kidney one baked by her grandmother in 1954. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

National Trust buys wrecked old garden shed for £2m

shedThe National Trust has confirmed that it has reached its fundraising target to purchase a shed in want of “loving restoration” in the back garden of 33 Jubilee Rise, Harold.

In their press release, the National Trust describes the shed as:

“This magnificently modest horticultural facility, with parts dating back to the Texas Homecare period, was founded by Ronald Thompson in 1978. Internal enhancements were carried out by his successor, Neil Banks in 2003 who added the uniquely styled uneven shelving and richly faded chintz curtains heavily influenced by his wife Maureen in 2006.”

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by | February 25, 2014 · 6:59 am

Princess Anne calls for village gingerbread houses to feed the poor

A grateful peasant salivates over his new home

A grateful peasant salivates over his new home

The Princess Royal has weighed into the planning row by calling for new village homes to be made from gingerbread so struggling villagers can always have something to eat.

Her Royal Highness said she was concerned that the migration of village populations to towns and cities would destroy traditional feudal values leaving servantless. “It’s vital that we plan for the future,” she insisted at a planning symposium organised by her big brother Charles. “At current rates, it is entirely possible that there won’t be enough peasants to skivvy in one’s country estate within five years.” Continue reading →

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by | February 24, 2014 · 11:00 am

Scientology couple win right to marry while shovelling all their money into giant hungry furnace

scientology-couple-2

For richer or poorer. OK, poorer.

A couple have won a Supreme Court challenge allowing them to marry in a Church of Scientology chapel in London while simultaneously shovelling thousands of their hard-earned pounds into the heartless maw of a ravenous furnace.

Louisa Naive launched legal action after officials refused to register a Church of Scientology chapel in central London as a place for marriage for her and fiancé Thicko Oneborneveryminute on the legal grounds that Scientology was “a load of slimy bollocks only interested in ripping the money out of foolish people’s wallets until like vampire’s prey they expire drained of every last drop of wealth”.
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by | February 20, 2014 · 7:00 am

‘Was Tony Blair doing Rebekah Brooks as well?’ everyone asks

Cock and Awe

The opening skirmish of Operation “Cock and Awe”…

Following yesterday’s courtroom revelation that Tony Blair advised Rebekah Brooks on how to tackle her phone hacking problem, the nation is breathlessly asking itself today whether that is the only tackle he helped her with.

Blair is believed by many to have been steadily working his way through the sexual conquest of the entire female staff of News Corporation, from the highest Chief Executive’s wife down to the lowliest News of the World editor. Wendi Deng, the former wife of Rupert Murdoch, allegedly developed a passionate obsession with him, and fiery redhead Brooks may just have been the latest woman to need urgent help with her briefs. Continue reading →

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by | February 12, 2014 · 7:02 am

Floods: ‘a great income-stream’ for river charity

floodmooring invoices

An elite River-Warden delivers an urgent bill for overdue mooring fees on this detached house

Flooded-out residents of usually sleepy Oxfordshire town Henley-on-Thames  have received unexpected demands for mooring fees from the Canal & River Trust. “At first I thought this was just some cruel practical joke” said Deputy Mayor Jarvis Marten, whose mostly-submerged dormer bungalow is more often a good two streets away from the Thames, “but sadly not.”

Canal and River Trust  took over care of 2000 miles of historic waterways in 2012, when  stick-in-the-mud British Waterways with  its rather old-fashioned  values ceased to exist. Robert Pearce, the Trust’s Chief Executive explained the rationale for sending out invoices to house-owners.“Trustees of any registered charity have a legal duty to maximise their charity’s income, so when we spotted this potential income-stream we were on it like bankers on a bonus bond. Continue reading →

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by | February 11, 2014 · 7:00 am

Latest neknomination tragedy sees old lady die after swallowing a horse

nomnom

Don’t ask why, don’t ask how: just watch and be outraged.

The Facebook drinking game neknomination has claimed another victim as an old lady died shortly after posting a video of herself swallowing a horse.

Mavis Watkins took part in the deadly game after being nominated by her grandson, and initially tried to outdo his effort by swallowing a fly. Seeming to not fully understand the rules she then repeatedly nominated herself to take part in ever more extreme challenges before eventually swallowing the horse that killed her. Continue reading →

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by | February 1, 2014 · 11:47 am

Great Barrier Reef ‘to become enormous sewage farm’

reef

Oh look, a floater!

The Australian government has defended its controversial decision to approve the construction of an enormous sewage treatment plant on top of the entire Barrier Reef. Prime Minister Tony Abbott’s Liberal Party government have not made the environment their top priority, but few expected them to cover the world’s largest coral reef system in human excrement so soon after coming to power.

Great Barrier Reef Marine Park Authority chairman, Dr Russell Reichelt, said he recognised the amount of debate and community concern the project had generated, but wanted to assure the public that “only the finest human faeces will be chosen to be dumped on the reef, along with specially-selected soiled nappies and sanitary products.” Continue reading →

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by | January 29, 2014 · 11:00 am

Benefit claimants to be fracked for wasted energy

anti-fracking

Laid-back protesters campaigning for energy conservation.

Harold’s Dr Evans has been selected to help trial a new combined health and domestic fuel supply initiative for people suffering from conditions such as obesity and laziness, based on the same technology used in fracking for shale gas.

“Government scientists think there could a lot of re-useable trapped energy in the bodies of people who don’t get enough exercise,” said Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt, “especially the ones who are out of work and claiming benefits.  Fracking fat, lazy people for the wasted energy they have selfishly trapped inside themselves is one way of helping them to give something back to society.”

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by | January 27, 2014 · 7:00 am

Syria peace talks breakthrough – both sides agree Blair can sod off

The fist of history biffs Blair in the face

The fist of history biffs Blair in the face

It seemed impossible but after only seven days of intensive talks at UN Geneva Headquarters there was unilateral agreement after both sides agreed that UN peace envoy, Tony Blair, should keep his nose out of the peace talks.

Waiting press were first alerted to the possibility of a surprise announcement when a UN aide hurried out the building, returning a few minutes later clutching a glasses and a magnum of champagne. This was enough to baffle seasoned observers, but when news leaked out that Tony Blair may have been at the centre of things, there was widespread disbelief that his involvement could have had such a positive effect.

UN mediator, Lakhdar Brahimi, explained how the historic breakthrough was achieved. Continue reading →

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by | January 22, 2014 · 7:00 am

Newlywed sues vicar because it wasn’t explained that her wedding would result in marriage

bride and bridegroom

“Till Marriage Us Do Part”

When blushing bride, Chantel Meth-Davies, arrived at a tranquil country church for her wedding with David Brooke, she had no idea that less than an hour later she would be married, according to an extraordinary law suit launched today.

“No one said I would be married by the end of the service,” said Ms Meth-Davies, 25, who refuses to use her married name. “I just wanted a nice wedding with flowers, my friends and a party to celebrate my relationship with Dave, not marriage.”

“When we visited the vicar to book the church, she never once mentioned that I would end up married,” Chantel complained. “She ran on and on about Holy Matrimony and all that when we first visited her, but I just assumed that the usual load of religious mumbo jumbo that they go in for.” Continue reading →

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by | January 21, 2014 · 3:50 pm

Gove rolls out ‘Teach First’ on-the-job training to Pilots

images (4)

Landing gear down. Now where’s that runway?

The Teach First initiative, currently being documented in BBC3′ ‘Tough Young Teachers’, is now offering franchises in other disciplines including Flying Big Airplanes and Open-heart Surgery (beginners). The underpinning principle of Teach First is that top graduates can be fast-tracked into front-line teaching on the back of six weeks training. Michael Gove is a keen supporter of the scheme, reasoning that as his own career was built on a short ‘Teach Yourself Journalism’ correspondence course, learning how to teach children must be a doddle.

“A big advantage of this nice cheap set-up” says Gove “is that Trainees learn just enough to pick up some flashy headline-grabbing tricks – but not quite enough to realise how little they actually know. It’s a very fine line for our Trainers to walk and of course they’ve had lengthy training for their role”. Continue reading →

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by | January 14, 2014 · 10:14 pm

Red faces at National Archive after Baldrick poem published with WW1 soldiers’ diaries

Owen, Sassoon, Brooke, .... Baldrick?

Owen, Sassoon, Brooke, …. Baldrick?

Officials behind the launch of a major initiative detailing lives of ordinary soldiers during the First World War were embarrassed by the discovery that they had mistakenly included the work of Blackadder character, Baldrick, in the achieve release.

The work, entitled ‘The German Guns’ and attributed to Private S.O. Baldrick, was actually written by the sitcom’s writers Richard Curtis and Ben Elton some 70 years after the end of the conflict. Elton was reported to be “delighted at the news” and friends said he was already checking to see if royalty payments may be due.

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by | · 7:00 am

Tories call for UK to ‘reposition away from Europe’

yerp

Plan will also make The North more prosperous.

Nearly 100 Tory  MPs have written to David Cameron asking for the UK to be repositioned in relation to Europe. Provisional thinking is for the UK as a whole to be moved 100 – 150  miles North-West into the Atlantic.

“The exact distance is subject to trial and error of course ” said Senior Tory Bernard Jenkin, who drafted the letter,”much the same as our financial plans for when we leave the EU. So, let’s say … far enough that we can’t smell the garlic, close enough they can hear xenophobic hectoring with a loud-hailer. Perhaps about 100 miles as a starting point. As a bonus we can use what’s left of the Tunnel to drain all our excess rainwater over to France. It’s probably their fault that it’s been so wet recently anyway.” Continue reading →

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by | January 10, 2014 · 7:00 am

Today is Red Friday – the day you’re most likely to murder your boss

Bosses Beware

It could be you …

This Friday has been branded by experts as “Red Friday”, as it is statistically the day in the year when your boss is most likely to be murdered by a disgruntled subordinate.

“The Friday of the first working week of the New Year, is well known as a dangerous time for managers,” confirmed Inspector Damion Briggs of the Metropolitan Police’s Bossicide Squad. “We recommend that anyone in a supervisory role considers the necessity of visiting the workplace today. Working from home this Friday may very well save your life.”
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