Scientology couple win right to marry while shovelling all their money into giant hungry furnace


For richer or poorer. OK, poorer.

A couple have won a Supreme Court challenge allowing them to marry in a Church of Scientology chapel in London while simultaneously shovelling thousands of their hard-earned pounds into the heartless maw of a ravenous furnace.

Louisa Naive launched legal action after officials refused to register a Church of Scientology chapel in central London as a place for marriage for her and fiancé Thicko Oneborneveryminute on the legal grounds that Scientology was “a load of slimy bollocks only interested in ripping the money out of foolish people’s wallets until like vampire’s prey they expire drained of every last drop of wealth”.

Last December, however, in something of a turnaround, five Supreme Court judges ruled that the ‘church’ was “a place of extreme litigiousness, ready to crush all of us under the heavy wheels of its well-funded legal juggernaut, unless we give in, brrrr…”.

The Scientology chapel had been refused as a wedding venue since 1970, when a High Court ruling stated that Scientology services were “all a load of shite made up by a science fiction author who previously admitted the best way to make bags of money would be to invent a bogus religion.”

Ahead of Sunday’s ceremony, a Church of Scientology spokesman said: “We are delighted that Louisa and Thicko can now be married in their church in front of their family and fellow parishioners.

“They have paved the way for other Scientologist couples to funnel all their money into our offshore banking haven, funding the multi-billionaire lifestyle of God knows who for heaven knows what sinister purpose.”

“This is an historic day for religious equality, freedom and rank effing stupidity for the gullible all over the UK.”

Less well known, but always worth mentioning, is the fact that after paying hundreds of thousands of pounds, Scientology ‘recruits’ are finally told the final truth that ‘it is all aliens’ – no, really – a fact that only those who have already parted with every last penny of their wealth would be desperate enough to believe.

When asked for comment, a Church of England spokesman angrily condemned the Scientologists for promoting “Ridiculous superstitions about an unbelievable supernatural creature who lives in the sky and somehow rules the universe, when we all know that’s clearly Oh Bugger…”

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