New Image: Ed slowly morphs into Milibama
The man behind Barak Obama’s successful run for the White House has travelled to London to meet Ed Miliband, and assess the enormity of his task.
There was initial embarrassment on Axelrod’s arrival when he pushed past a weedy inconspicuous doorman, only to be told that the insignificant underling was actually the man who he had to transform into the next Prime Minister in twelve short months. Continue reading
Pensioners have complained that the government’s proposed new life expectancy guidelines are “worryingly precise” after volunteers for a pilot scheme were given exact details of the time and manner of their impending demises.
Really? Thursday? Well sod the library fines then…
All of the predictions came exactly true, leading to suspicions that the whole scheme was little more than an efficient and ruthless way to slash welfare spending.
“They told my Doris she’d live until last Thursday, when the brakes on her mobility scooter would mysteriously fail,” claimed Albert Renfrew, 104. “And lo and behold, if it didn’t only go and happen just like they said. Spooky, I call it.”
“The police said the cables do just snap cleanly like that sometimes, and they only look like they’ve been cut.” Continue reading
Described as ‘realistic and scientifically researched’ a controversial new brand of cat food which will be available in supermarkets this week claims to be based upon the food that a cat would really eat if it could choose.
Initial flavours will include Munchie Mouse, described on the label as ‘tender pieces of your cat’s favourite rodent marinated in a muddy puddle gravy‘ and Songbird, ‘prime morsels of de-feathered sparrow in catnip jelly [may contain thrush]‘
A surgeon who secretly branded his initials into patients’ livers during operations has been hailed by the art establishment as ‘an exciting new talent to rival Banksy’.
Vital artwork now showing at an in-patient ward near you
Simon Bramhall, who works at the Queen Elizabeth Hospital in Birmingham, was suspended before Christmas following the allegation that he had marked a patient, but defended himself saying his work was ‘an ironic commentary on the state of Coalition Britain and its place in a changing world.”
Continue reading
Creme egg viewed through a telescope. From 3 feet away.
The ongoing reduction in size of Cadbury’s creme eggs has resulted in the 2015 version no longer being visible to the naked eye, and yet they are still more expensive than when they used to be massive.
“The Cadbury’s creme egg is an iconic chocolate snack, ostensibly released only for a limited period around Easter but actually available all year round apart from one day in October, when it is removed because it is ‘out of season’.” said Lorraine Robinson, Professor of Disappointing Confectionery at the University of Exeter. Continue reading
Filed under News, Uncategorized
Painstaking research by Harold don, Professor Bethany Russell, has revealed that Henry VIII, famous for having six wives, was also a first class bricklayer who played an active part in the building of many of the great palaces attributed to him.
According to recently discovered papers, there was nothing he liked better after a hard day conducting the affairs of state, than to spend a couple of hours working on the intricate brick tracery of Hampton Court Palace with a trowel in his hand.
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Filed under Around Harold, Royals
Could you love a little bear? No, not like that
St Mary’s Primary School’s ‘Billy the Bear’ will no longer be taken home each weekend by one of the children. Following some unusually candid electronic diary entries by the popular cuddly toy, Harold Headteacher Alison Lee has reluctantly put the cuffs on little Billy until further notice.
“We’re a broad church here at St Mary’s but we’ve grounded Billy until he gets some intensive remedial education. We are also worried about a possible identity crisis, because he always logs in as ‘Janice’. Ms Lee highlighted several recent ‘Billy’s Diary’ entries that caused concern, including:
‘Siobhan’s mum is a liar. I went in a helicopter did I? Bollocks. She put me in the recycling bin twice and then vomited on my fur. I’d report her to social services, but they never take bears seriously. Especially toy ones.’ Continue reading
Filed under Around Harold, Education, Lifestyle, Politics, Sex, Technology
A team of doctors in the USA who have successfully grown the first artificial vagina have been working so hard that none of them has left their laboratory for the last three months, it was revealed today.
And so portable!
Doctors at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Centre in North Carolina used pioneering technology to build a biodegradable scaffold onto which human cells attached before being grown in a bioreactor, producing a perfect replica of the human vagina.
The pioneering team in charge of this exciting work finally emerged from their laboratory complex this morning, pale and haggard from lack of sleep, some bent double almost unable to walk, such has been their dedication to this important work. Continue reading
“Do you want some?” When offering tea
Have you ever been embarrassed when a finance director keeps on asking you to justify your expenses claim? Maybe you were busy doing important stuff and forgot to explain but telling him to ‘P*ss off’ is rarely wise.
Sometimes your own career simply hasn’t prepared you for the task. If, say, you’ve worked in advertising – making things up for a living – you might not realise that sometimes people are supposed to be open and honest. Continue reading
Security Holey?
His Holiness Pope Francis, the leader of the Catholic Church, has stepped down following a media storm over his views on same-sex marriage.
Pope Francis was appointed just last March but came in for heavy criticism after it emerged that the Vatican still did not support gay weddings. Thousands of users of the popular “Catholicism” system protested on forums and threatened to uninstall their moral compasses.
Cardinal Paulo Evaristo Arns, most senior member of the Pope’s inner advisory team, announced the decision in a blog post.
“The Catholic Church prides itself on being held to a different standard and, this past week, we didn’t live up to it,” he wrote.
“We know why people are hurt and angry, and they are right: it’s because we’re a crusty old male-dominated bunch of gangsters, riddled worm-like with corruption and perversion. We must try harder.” Continue reading
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Filed under Religion, Technology
The 01:45 to Oblivion
Plagued by disruptive delays caused by frequent suicides, Network Rail has announced plans to run an after-hours railway service dedicated to the needs of those who wish to take their own lives by jumping under a train.
Already dubbed by railway workers as the Ghost Train, the new skeleton service will run at night once timetabled services have finished for the day. Operating companies are hoping that would-be suicides will take advantage of this initiative saving commuters of many hours of inconvenience whilst the emergency services attend to the consequence of a member of public choosing to terminate themselves at a busy railway station. Continue reading
Possibly planning acts of terrorism, but probably not.
The Harold police force has admitted that a recent focus on ant terrorism was “almost certainly” a result of a typing error, with the number of arrests still standing at zero after more than six months of hard work.
“I went to a regional conference on policing in Luton and there was a lot going on so I struggled to keep up but made the best notes I could.” explained an embarrassed PC Flegg, “There was a whole section on anti-terrorism techniques, but it would appear that when I came to type up my notes I missed the i off anti.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Law and Order, News
“Not the box set!”
After complaints from the literary establishment against the new policy of banning prison inmates from receiving books, protests have now spread to relatives of the prisoners, who have found to their discomfort that all reading material must be smuggled inside by the usual channels, specifically the rectum.
Anal contraband is a part of everyday prison life, but the items smuggled have usually been rather smaller than, say, a 759-page copy of the last Harry Potter novel, and relatives are finding themselves stretched as never before. Continue reading
“Lucky buggers”
However, when Harold couple, Chantel and Dave Brooke, felt their marriage was a in a rut and becoming a little too secure, they looked around for a solution that would loosened the shackles of marriage. Since they had no wish to become totally decoupled they hit upon the idea of having their two year marriage downgraded to the status of civil partnership. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, News
Don’t hold out for that invite, Bernard…
Following BBC research revealing that 20% of people would refuse to attend a gay wedding, another poll coincidentally found the same percentage of people “simply too drab and awful” to get an invitation to one anyway.
The BBC Radio survey on the eve of legislation allowing same-sex marriage in England and Wales also found that fat, stupid men were nearly twice as likely to be kept away as slim, funny attractive people like us.
The poll of 1,007 people found 68% agreed gay marriage should be permitted, with 32% too wrapped up in wallowing in their own filth to respond. Continue reading
Despite the imposition of sanctions on his closest allies, it appears that German leader, Adolf Hitler remains resolute in his insistence that “The Poles had been asking for it for years and now that they had been invaded it was no use squealing and asking for help from a bunch of lily livered do gooders.”
The West’s reaction to the invasion has been powerful. Leaders have condemned the actions in the “strongest terms” and there is talk of ramping up their opposition by not going to the tea party that the Fuhrer had been planning to host, taking their knitting circle to dear dependable Mrs Belgium’s instead.
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Filed under International News, Politics
Should have given up long ago…
The anti-smoking lobby is today mourning the death of one of its most tireless and misunderstood campaigners, Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps, who for decades picketed military funerals with large signs warning of the dangers of cigarettes.
Brought up originally in London’s East End before moving to Kansas, Phelps’ slogan ‘God Hates Fags’ was tragically never really appreciated by the American public.
Waving large colourful signs, Phelps would attend funerals desperately trying to explain that servicemen would stand a far better chance of survival in modern war zones if they could only give up cigarettes and improve fitness levels.
“It’s a tragedy that he never seemed to get his message across,” lamented Aaron Bryce, chairman of the ‘We Hate Benders’ society, founded to protest against the popular brand of chewing tobacco invented by Michael Bender.
“The idea that he was some kind of anti-gay bigot is just a terrible misunderstanding,” explained Bryce. “You couldn’t meet a friendlier man. We were members of the same chicken-breeding club, and many’s the night we’d stay up rubbing our cocks together into the small hours. Then he’d usually give me one.”
Filmmaker Louis Theroux, who documented Phelps’ demonstrations, admitted he had been completely wrong about the pastor. “I’m a pretty good judge of character,” he confessed, “But when I saw all the posters and stuff, I just leapt to the conclusion that the man was a rabid homophobe, devoid of the slightest trace of love or compassion, cruelly taunting the families of dead soldiers.”
“I should have realised no-one could be that much of an arsehole.”
Phelps was buried in a simple coffin befitting his modest life, the wood bare of decoration other than a massive slogan ‘HATING GAYS GIVES YOU CANCER’, with a headstone bearing an enormous photograph of a gnarled and blackened heart.
His own.
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Filed under breaking news, Health, Religion
Will the world end with a Sprite Deluxe Tourer?
However, the full horror of global warming has come closer to home after scientists confirmed that the weekend’s early clogging of Britain’s road network by caravans was ‘almost certainly due’ to the effects of global warming. Continue reading
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Filed under environment, News, science
Sebastian Vettel in the new Red Anteater
Noses: All of the cars are required to have a nose resembling an animal. Most teams have settled on styling their snouts on crocodiles, anteaters and tapirs. No one has elected to go for an elephant’s trunk. That would be silly. Continue reading
“Guess what you’re going to be today ..”
Tony Benn, whose death has just been announced, started life as a member of the aristocracy and ended it a commoner. In this regard he was the exact opposite of Kate Middleton.
After founding the Monster Raving Loony Party under the pseudonym of Screaming Lord Sutch, he renounced his peerage, moved further to the left and become a member of Harold Wilson’s Labour Government of the 1960’s. As Postmaster General he was responsible for ensuring enough gum was applied to postage stamps and having the Post Office Tower built entirely of Lego bricks.
A noted original political thinker and great orator, he made frequent appearances on shows such as Question Time well into his eighties. “Everyone listened when Tony spoke” said David Dimbleby, paying tribute. “Of course, it was total bollocks, but everyone listened.” Continue reading
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