For the last two days journalists from the Evening Harold have been deep undercover at Doncaster racecourse. Cunningly pretending to want trains painted ‘proper’ colours and to only ever eat English cheese we made it right to the heart of Ukip and managed to get our hands on a copy of Nigel Farage’s conference speech ahead of him taking to the stage at three o’clock this afternoon. Continue reading
Tag Archives: Evening Harold
World Exclusive: Nigel Farage’s conference speech in full
Injury hit Man Utd set to recall Giggs, Charlton and …… Best?
New boy Charlton is presented with his shirt
As well as the inevitable call up from retirement for stalwart Ryan Giggs, the Dutchman with the Tefal head seems to have overheated his vast brain with his latest comments at the regular Friday press conference.
“Yes, we had to recall Giggs,” he said. “Ryan is fit as he ever was, and still works at his game which he proved last night when he made a pass at my wife.” Continue reading
Users complain that masturbating over new iPhone makes it sticky
Apple is under fire after early adopters of the new iPhone 6 have found that rubbing the phone on their genitals can render the device “sticky”, or in the worst cases, “awash with semen”.
The vulnerability, which Twitter users have already christened #wankgate, is being partly blamed on the new design of the phone, which has turned on reviewers so much they are unable to resist self-gratification with the devices.
One user, a Mr S. Fry from London, wrote in his recent review: “I hold in my hands truly the most beautiful object ever made. But when I rub my new iPhone against it, I find my device covered in bubbly man juice – that never happened while Steve Jobs was in charge.” Continue reading
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Filed under Technology
No seats, just spikes: Ryanair determined to regain worst customer service crown
The new cabin crew really doesn’t care
Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary has vowed to make his airline even more unpleasant in order to reclaim its place at the bottom of the league table for customer service.
“Apparently nPower and Scottish Power are now both slightly more heinous than we are,” a disappointed O’Leary said. “I’m not having that. Ryanair prides itself on providing the most kak experience there is.” Continue reading
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Filed under News
Miliband admits Labour spending plans were vetted by Tesco’s auditors
The moment of realisation
Intending to underline the credibility of the spending plans, the gaffe prone leader managed to strike them through by revealing that Labour had used the same accountancy firm as Tesco, who owned up to a £250 million black hole in their profit statement.
The beleaguered leader made his latest cock up during an interview with Andrew Neil.
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Filed under News, Politics, Uncategorized
“No tits will be more famous than mine, I’ll get four,” says Katie Price
We’re not plastic surgeons but we’re assuming four would be easier than three. You just divide and conquer, right?
Reacting to the news that a would-be reality TV star in the US is claiming to have had a third breast implanted, Katie Price has declared that she will go further than that and have two more added in order to “protect brand Katie.”
“My tits is the most famous in the world and with four there’ll be so much more to talk about,” she said. “This Jasmine Tridevil can just shut up. Three boobs, bitch please, come back when you’ve got a decent number.” Continue reading
Filed under Entertainment
“First, deploy ground troops”: Tony Blair’s guide to love-making
Tony’s is a strange sort of war-face
Tony Blair, Middle East peace envoy and man with the most erroneous job title in history, has published a guide to better sex on his Tony Blair Faith Foundation website. In it he says that he has discovered that the secret to being a great lover is to be near constantly trying to start a war. “War in the desert really hots things up in the bedroom,” he writes. Continue reading
Whistleblowers ‘still not being heard’ at UK’s biggest whistle factory
Make yourself heard
Whistleblowers still face real problems in getting their message heard in the UK’s largest whistle factories, campaigners say.
In most industries, great improvements have been made in allowing employees to expose misconduct or illegal activity, but for some reason whistle manufacturers lag well behind, according to unions.
“It’s as if our members are simply not being heard,” complained USDAW union spokesman Geoff Tooting. “It must be something to do with the nature of this industry that whistle-blowers’ attempts to raise awareness are going unnoticed.” Continue reading
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Filed under Business
Scotland decides: twenty-four hours until Connery is king?
The man who would be king (caution: potential monarchs may be up to thirty-three years older than pictured).
Today Scotland goes to the polls to decide whether or not to go it alone or to give its loveless union with England another 300 hundred years for the sake of Wales and Northern Ireland. Continue reading
Filed under Election 2014, Independence referendum, Politics
Astonishing! Queen tells Scots where to stuff Balmoral in accidentally released tirade
The Queen has made an astonishing attack on Scotland in a pre-recorded public broadcast only intended to be shown in the event of a ‘yes vote’ in favour of Scottish independence.
In the ten minute tirade the monarch slags off the Scots, their food, the weather and says how much she hates Balmoral Castle.
“The ungrateful people of Scotland have spoken and I am delighted that the power of the ballot box has meant that I never have to go to Scotland again,” she starts gently. “Frankly, I’ve never liked the place, the climate or the food.”
After a bitter complaint about the “god awful sound of bagpipes”, the Queen turns to her Scottish residence. Continue reading
Filed under Independence referendum, News, Royals
U2 album removal tool wins Mercury prize for contribution to music
Cheering music fans this morning
The Apple Corporation have won this year’s Mercury music prize for their new tool allowing customers to remove the U2 album which was forced into everyone’s iTunes collection.
The prestigious award is given only to individuals or groups who have made the biggest contribution to music in the last year, and eradication of the bloated sack of pretension that is Songs of Innocence certainly qualifies.
The music press has already compared the removal of the album with the release of the Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper, or the birth of Beethoven or Mozart – one of the landmarks in musical history which arrive at most once in a lifetime.
“It’s like a giant turd has been cleaned from a beautiful landscape,” gushed music journalist Peter Paphides this morning. “People may say that the removal of an item is an intangible non-thing, but is the absence of ugliness not beauty? Is the removal of pain not pleasure? And more importantly, U2 really are shit.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, music
Voters should “think very carefully” says woman who’s never had to
“I don’t care what you do. Just keep paying for me and mine.”
In a historical first for the House of Windsor the Queen has advocated the use of intellect. Yesterday she was asked for her opinion on the independence referendum and replied: “Well, I hope people will think very carefully about the future.” She then added “but as long as Bake Off gets another series One really doesn’t give one about anything else.” Continue reading
Filed under Independence referendum, Politics, Royals
Daily Mail continues to wage its terror campaign against Britain
Wide-eyed and dangerous: the Daily Mail’s leader is a fanatic known only as Paul Dacre
Vicious tabloid the Daily Mail continues to wage war against us all with its tawdry and sensational coverage of world events. Today it has chosen to show pictures of the last moments of David Haines’ life before he was murdered by Isis. Continue reading
Filed under News
Nobel Peace Prize winner announces plans to bomb Syria and Iraq
He likes big bombs and he cannot lie…
In a televised address last night Barack Obama announced his Bombing for Peace plan. Revealing he means to defeat Isis and bring stability to Syria and Iraq by using the mass application of deadly violence. Over the years Obama has become ever more hawkish in his foreign policy and is now the kind of man who if you asked him if he liked bombs and drone strikes would reply “yes, I really like bombs and drone strikes” and give himself a little hug just at the mere mention of them. Continue reading
Filed under International News
Global despair as U2 album added to everyone’s iTunes music library
Bono: we wouldn’t piss on ourselves if he was on fire…wait, is that right?
The Samaritans and emotional support charities across the world have reported their busiest ever twelve hours following iTunes automatically placing U2’s new album, Songs of Innocence, in everyone’s music libraries.
“I’d just about got over the initial shock, and the horror of U2 stealing an album title from William Blake,” Harold’s vicar Rev. Tansy Forster said to us, “when I realised that on my iTunes it says that I purchased it. Purchased! What if someone sees? Truly these are the End of Days.” Continue reading
Filed under Entertainment
Dumfries twinned with Calais as border security increased in case of Yes vote
Contingency plans are well advanced on both sides of the border in readiness to respond to the inevitable rush of economic migrants from Scotland in the event of a “Yes” vote for independence.
With Gordon Brown’s initiative to save the Union doomed by definition of it being a Gordon Brown initiative, the Coalition Government is treating the possible invasion of hordes of insurgent Scots, once reality kicks in and they realise they have nothing to live on other than pride, porridge and potatoes, as a real threat to the Disunited Kingdom.
Realising that his, as yet unveiled, programme of ethnic cleansing may frighten off second generation Scots, Alex Salmond is said to be keen to maintain border security. Continue reading
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Filed under Election 2014, News, Politics
“We’re going to move the goalposts up Defra’s arse!” Defiant badgers prepare for new cull
Badgers: plotting
Badgers are ramping up their campaign of mass non-violent civil disobedience ahead of a new cull instigated by Defra.
“Last year’s cull was concluded to be neither effective nor humane by an independent expert panel,” Manky Kevin co-leader of Harold’s badger colony told us. “Makes the government pretty special thinkers to know that and decide the answer is to shoot at us some more. The solution to Noel Edmonds isn’t having him on TV all the time, is it? Less is more with bullets, and with beardies.” Continue reading
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Filed under environment
World Wide Woofs: internet addicts to get their own service dogs
Big enough to carry you out into the fresh air if he has to
In a landmark ruling Harold internet addict, Steph Jacobson, has been awarded her own service dog. It is now expected that hundreds of thousands of other similarly afflicted Britons will be getting their own dog under the World Wide Woof scheme. Continue reading
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Filed under Technology
President Obama pleads to be released from Wales
“It’s not fair. The worst thing that happened to George W was a pretzel.”
Currently held captive by the Nato summit Barack Obama has spoken of his despair on being trapped in South Wales.
“I was told that people here shared our language and ideals,” he said. “But why is everything ‘tidy’ and what’s the meaning of that giant red wave on the waterfront?” Continue reading
Filed under International News
Joan Rivers to be broken up and recycled after plastic surgeons finally give up
Rivers in 1960, 1976 and 2014.
Doctors treating the outspoken comedienne disclosed that although her heart and brain had given up years ago, they had managed to keep her mouth going for the past decade fed on scraps of indiscriminate material gleaned from the tabloid press.
Born early in the last millennium, Joan Cruella Rivers became more famous for her extensive plastic surgery regime than her sharp tongued wit, especially after her tongue was enhanced in the late nineties. She once quipped ‘I come under the surgeon’s knife more often than most women come under their husbands’
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Filed under Entertainment, News, Showbusiness
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