“First, deploy ground troops”: Tony Blair’s guide to love-making

Tony’s is a strange sort of war-face

Tony Blair, Middle East peace envoy and man with the most erroneous job title in history, has published a guide to better sex on his Tony Blair Faith Foundation website. In it he says that he has discovered that the secret to being a great lover is to be near constantly trying to start a war. “War in the desert really hots things up in the bedroom,” he writes. 

“Air strikes are good,” Blair states. “Those huge, pleasingly-shaped missiles thrusting through the sky and pounding into the ground in waves will certainly get the motor running but if you want to put the pedal to the metal and speed down the Highway of Lurve then there’s got to be an escalation of conflict and boots on the ground (please note, in accordance with Rome the highway is for married heterosexual couples who do not use birth control only).”

“When I start a war I feel so alive and my love-making becomes less bland. The deployment of ground troops is a definite aphrodisiac in my house, just like adding a lot of spice to an evening meal. When I tell Cherie I’m going to ‘season Iraq’ she knows she’s in for a hell of night.”