Tag Archives: Evening Harold

by | September 9, 2015 · 7:52 pm

Five amazing facts about the Queen

A rare photo of Horace Ruffage (see Fact #2)

A rare photo of Horace Ruffage (see Fact #2)

As the Queen finally passes Bobby Charlton’s long standing record, the Evening Harold is able to reveal five astounding facts about Her Majesty, all which are totally true.

Fact One: As befits a lady who is in her 90th year, Her Majesty has a terrible memory and is easily confused. Since watching The King’s Speech she has become convinced that her father was the spitting image of Colin Firth and that contemporary photos of the late King showing him looking like a cod were doctored to reflect the mood of the time. Her Royal Highness is unable to understand how her mother was able to star in the Harry Potter films. Continue reading →

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by | · 11:00 am

‘Emotional’ Queen ‘goes on a brenda’

Queen party

Queen slurred the National Anthem, before sicking on a corgi.

The Queen has finally been subdued and arrested after a drunken rampage in Central London which left eyewitnesses both appalled at the carnage and impressed by how supple she is.

Her Majesty had been celebrating becoming the UK’s longest reigning monarch, beating Queen Victoria’s previous ‘scowl ‘n’ wave’ record of 63 yrs and 216 days by one day and counting.

Police were called to Buckingham Palace after tourists alerted them to ‘an elderly lady drenched in gin’. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

UK men in Syria drone death ‘were actually on EasyJet trip to Prague’

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A coach transfer to your hotel may be necessary

EasyJet has apologised after it emerged that the supposed UK militants killed by a drone attack  in Syria this week were merely on a stag do in the Czech Republic, and had just landed at the airline’s ‘South Prague’ airport, which happens to be near the Syrian/Lebanese border.

The rolling, once-fertile Hawran Plateau south of Damascus might seem a strange choice for those heading to Eastern Europe, but the airline was adamant that customers are well aware that some of the airports on its routes involve a coach transfer to their final destination.

“In this case, to reach downtown Prague from our airport of choice would involve a simple taxi or coach trip, followed by an arduous journey being smuggled into Europe by ruthless people smugglers,” explained an EasyJet spokesperson this morning. Continue reading →

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by | September 6, 2015 · 9:00 am

Teaching assistant overjoyed with new Ferrari

corsa rossa

Scuderia Corsa.

Single mum and classic car enthusiast Carly Jeffrey is delighted that she can now call her Vauxhall a Ferrari.

Carly has owned her Corsa for 6 years but has just legally rebadged it as an ultra-rare Ferrari 250GTO, after a surprise EU ruling on protected trademarks.

“Don’t get me wrong” said Carly “the Corsa’s a fine car – especially the 1.8 GSi with alloys and air-con as standard – but it’s always been my dream to own a £3M Italian supercar. Continue reading →

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by | September 5, 2015 · 8:11 am

Man shunned for not agreeing that the Krays were total legends

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The Krays twins: jailed for life at 35 when it turned out that taking tea with Judy Garland and being nice to yer old mum doesn’t let you off the hook for murder

Villager Sean Pavey was shunned by his drinking buddies last night after admitting that he didn’t think the Kray twins were brilliant.

“Everyone was going on about how awesome they were, proper old school and that,” Sean, 26, a mechanic at Pavey’s Auto-Spares told us. “All my mates were saying how cool the suits were and that what they did was top bants. Then I said but they were just two blokes who killed people and hurt a load more and everyone went quiet and said I was ruining it.” Continue reading →

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by | September 4, 2015 · 5:47 am

Dismay as Bono and Bob Geldof announce they’re releasing a song about refugees

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Worst pantomime horse ever

The refugee crisis has taken a darker turn with the announcement that Bono and Bob Geldof are going to release a song about it.

“To people with nothing I offer the thing they really need: music,” said Bono. “I represent the refugees. They haven’t asked me to represent them. It’s cheeky but I hope they’re glad I do. I’m the man who said of Tony Blair and Gordon Brown ‘they are kind of the John and Paul of the global development stage, in my opinion. But the point is, Lennon and McCartney changed my interior world – Blair and Brown can change the real world’ what further proof of my expertise on politics and humanity do you need?” Continue reading →

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by | September 3, 2015 · 6:55 pm

Astonishment as Facebook posts don’t solve refugee crisis

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“And after I’ve had a cup of tea I’m going to eradicate polio through memes.”

As the refugee crisis worsens residents of Harold are shocked that their Facebook posts on the matter are having no effect at all.

“I wrote ‘Refugees Welcome’ in nail polish on a stone then put it in the front garden and uploaded a photograph of what I’d done,” estate agent Gill Gates told us. “It got loads of likes and shares but I just looked at the news and nothing’s changed. I don’t get it. Tonight I’ll put candles around it and then photograph that, maybe that’ll make the government take action.”

“You know that picture of the drowned little boy?” said local postman, Jack Thornley. “Well, I’ve been posting it every hour for twelve hours to make people think, yeah? I’ve also signed and shared that petition to get Sir Elton John to redo ‘Candle in the Wind’ but with lyrics about the refugees. I mean you’ve got to do something, haven’t you? Can’t just sit here and watch.” Continue reading →

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by | August 31, 2015 · 7:00 am

Ramsay Bolton tipped to replace Iain Duncan Smith at the DWP

At least this one's a smiler which is nice

At least this one’s a smiler, which is nice.

Following on from the release of figures showing how many people have died since being declared fit for work and the news that the UN is to investigate his welfare reforms, Iain Duncan Smith is set to resign in a matter of days and be replaced by Ramsay Bolton.

“Ramsay will be a worthy successor,” Duncan Smith said. “We have much in common as military men who share a similar outlook. Of course he’s got where he is today thanks to his incredibly wealthy landowning father whereas I’m completely different as I’d be nothing without my incredibly wealthy landowning father-in-law.” Continue reading →

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by | August 28, 2015 · 7:00 am

Red Squirrels to be given self-defence lessons to repel Greys

"The next person to call me Tufty gets a whack!"

“The next person to call me Tufty gets a whack!”

After enduring decades of oppression from insurgent grey squirrels, the remaining indigenous red squirrel is being encouraged to launch a fight back against its natural enemy.

Far cuter than their fatter so called North American ‘cousins’, who invited themselves to Britain half way through the last war to assist in repelling the Nazi squirrel and never left, the bushy tailed red squirrel has retreated to the remote forests of the UK dreaming of the day when they will be able to play fearlessly with their nuts in public. Continue reading →

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by | August 26, 2015 · 12:41 pm

Face of Donald Trump seen in pig’s anus

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Anus face (artist’s impression)

Following the mysterious appearance of Donald Trump’s image in a tub of butter, Republican campaigners were celebrating today after the face of the Presidential hopeful was miraculously seen to appear in the anus of “Ronald”, a Gloucestershire Old Spot from a farm near Stroud,

“This is a sign,” enthused one Trump supporter. “To gaze deeply into a pig’s backside and see the face of Donald – that doesn’t just happen. It means something.”

Following the good news, there was an immediate spate of copycat sightings, as pig owners the world over realised that their pigs’ anuses also bore a striking resemblance to the great man. Continue reading →

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by | · 5:12 am

Cumberbatch’s Hamlet first night: Player ratings

the danish game

It was a play of two halves.

For those of you unable to make the long awaited opening night performance and unable to view it on You Tube thanks to a rather unreasonable ban on mobile filming, our Arts Correspondent Mariella Buss-Stop puts down her pint and casts her eyes over the cast’s performance at Elsinore last night.

From their hissed greeting at the appearance of old King Hamlet’s ghost to the mass weeping hysteria when the great one dies, the pubescent Cumberbitches’ in the audience made their presence felt last night at the Barbican. It could take days to mop up.

Here are my ratings for the players:            Continue reading →

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by | August 21, 2015 · 2:01 am

Outrage as American dentist shoots Bake Off’s bread lion

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Hit BBC show the Great British Bake Off has become the latest victim of weapon-toting dentist Walter Palmer. The blood lustin’ American burst onto the set and shot the amazing lion bread created by contestant Paul Jagger several times with a bow and arrow.

“I had to,” Palmer said. “I’m a hunter and that there bread lion was too beautiful to exist. I wanted him dead. That’s how you show the ultimate respect for bread, and for nature. You shoot it and put it in your special trophy room so no one can see it but you.” Continue reading →

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by | August 19, 2015 · 7:17 am

Misunderstood Bin Laden only wanted to be a Radio 2 DJ

bin laden tapesIt has been revealed that discovered amongst the piles of easy listening tapes left by al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden were a number of demo tapes in which the arch-terrorist brushed up his DJ patter whilst introducing songs by Cliff Richard and the Nolan Sisters.

From his whimsical style, it seems that Bin Laden saw himself as a Middle Eastern Terry Wogan, and his witty comments about the frustrations of his daily life of a revolutionary are quite amusing – if you put aside the atrocities which he directed. Continue reading →

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by | August 18, 2015 · 6:55 am

‘We’re boycotting Amazon’ is the new ‘We don’t have a TV’

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Just because someone’s right it doesn’t mean they’re not also terribly annoying

Boycotting Amazon has officially become the new bullseye on the middle class morality dartboard finally ousting claiming not to have a TV.

“It’s taken years,” media and trend analyst Lizzie Philips told us. “But at long last not shopping with Amazon has become the single greatest source of conversational smugness.” Continue reading →

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by | August 17, 2015 · 3:39 am

Mandelson attempted to get other houses to resign so Gryffindor wouldn’t win House Cup

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Peter Mandelson: intensely unrelaxed about democracy

It emerged late last night that Lord Mandelson involved himself in the Hogwarts House Cup by urging three houses to resign en mass in order to suspend the contest and prevent the left wing Gryffindor house from winning.

Mandelson, a Slytherin and close confident of Lord Tonymort whom he helped rise to power in 1997, is understood to have contacted the heads of each of the three houses and ordered them to resign on the grounds that a bunch of left-wingers winning something made him feel “all clammy and alarmed as it should any proud Labour member who truly embraces our party’s history and ideals.” Continue reading →

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by | · 2:38 am

30-something realises most of their friends are just people they can’t be bothered to tell to sod off

Capture

Pffft

A local woman has been left dazed by the revelation that most of her friends are as much good to her as tits on a fish.

Cassie Fine, 35, owner of Harold geek shop Dungeons and More Dungeons, said that she came to this conclusion while scrolling her Facebook newsfeed. Continue reading →

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by | August 15, 2015 · 5:38 am

Chilcot realises he’s been enquiring into wrong Gulf War

Sir-John-Chilcot

Bugger. Bugger, bugger, bugger.

Hopes of an imminent release of Sir John Chilcot’s Gulf War enquiry were dashed today, after it emerged that Chilcot has been mistakenly examining the causes of the first Gulf War, not the second.

The first Gulf War ran from 1990-91, and started when Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait. John Major was the British Prime minister when the anti-Iraq coalition started its bombing campaign, and there has never been any suggestion that this was anything other than a perfectly legal response to an act of aggression, and certainly not the sort of bloodthirsty murder that certain other Prime Ministers might get you into.
Continue reading →

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by | August 11, 2015 · 7:00 am

Vote Corbyn and you’ll summon Cthulhu warns Alastair Campbell

cthulhu

Cthulu: currently dormant and dreaming of reducing our sanity to ashes, and renationalising the railways

Former spin doctor Alastair Campbell has warned that voting for Jeremy Corbyn would be a “car crash, and more” for both Labour and the nation as a whole. Specifying that the “more” part would definitely involve the rise of Cthulu, the monstrous entity whose existence is beyond mortal comprehension and whose rise from the stone city of R’lyeh will usher in an era of madness that will destroy our minds along with  civilisation itself. Continue reading →

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by | August 9, 2015 · 8:00 am

McLaren F1 sign up the late Fangio for the rest of the season

roflbot (10)In a bold bid to revive their moribund 2015 campaign, McLaren F1 have had Juan Manuel Fangio exhumed.

The legendary Argentian won five World Championships in the 1950s “…but we rather hoped he’d been buried in a Maserati 250F.” said McLaren boss Ron Dennis “Computer simulations show that it’s 3 seconds a lap quicker than our current car.”

Dennis was initially disappointed to find no car but soon cheered up “It turns out the Hertz van we hired is astonishingly fast. Even fully loaded with pick axes, shovels, soil and coffin. So we’ve hired it for the rest of the season”.

“And once we’d hosed him down” he added “Fangio looked a bit more lively than Jenson or Fernando so we signed him up too. We’re just a bit concerned that his level of activity might wake up armchair F1 fans on Sunday afternoons.”

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by | August 7, 2015 · 3:07 pm

PM admits ‘I’ll give millions for any old toss if the person asking for it went to the right school’

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Camila Batmanghelidjh: Like Dave had an ethnic chum but without him experiencing any cognitive dissonance

David Cameron has today said that continuing to throw money at Kids Company was “the right thing to do” because its founder went to a decent public school.

“Camila Batmanghelidjh is beyond reproach,” said the mesmerised PM. “She’s from the right background and knows all the correct people. Of course I and fellow old Etonian Oliver Letwin overruled civil servants to ensure her small London-centric charity got tens of millions in cash no questions asked. There’s no need for audit this and accountability that when you can look into a chap, or chapess’, eye, give them the old firm handshake and know that you’re both on exactly the same page.” Continue reading →

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