PM admits ‘I’ll give millions for any old toss if the person asking for it went to the right school’

Camila Batmanghelidjh: Like Dave had an ethnic chum but without him experiencing any cognitive dissonance

David Cameron has today said that continuing to throw money at Kids Company was “the right thing to do” because its founder went to a decent public school.

“Camila Batmanghelidjh is beyond reproach,” said the mesmerised PM. “She’s from the right background and knows all the correct people. Of course I and fellow old Etonian Oliver Letwin overruled civil servants to ensure her small London-centric charity got tens of millions in cash no questions asked. There’s no need for audit this and accountability that when you can look into a chap, or chapess’, eye, give them the old firm handshake and know that you’re both on exactly the same page.”

“This is why I can sleep at night knowing that the economy is being run by a man whose only job outside Westminster was two weeks folding towels in Selfridges, and that the welfare state is in the hands of an ex-Scots Guards officer with a CV as colourful and unlikely as one of my dear friend Camila’s outfits.”

The Prime Minister then returned to chillaxing while more thoughtful people went a bit clammy thinking about how the country is run before being distracted by yet another article on Bake Off.