RAF leaflet campaign targets customer feedback
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Filed under Around Harold, War
Walkers crisp competition won by ‘Pringles flavour’
Fans say the flavour is the perfect accompaniment to drool.
Advertising executives for Walkers Crisps were left red-faced today, and not just because of their colossal salt intake.
Following an online vote, the spud spinners announced the new Walkers flavour is ‘Pringles’, with customers favouring the pre-chewed, reconstituted spittle-and potato tang that only tubular near-crisps provide.
“It was a close call”, said Hilda Remington, as she clutched at her heart and gasped for breath. “But in the end, the public have somehow found the energy to have their say.”
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Filed under Advertisments, Around Harold, Food, Health
EH investigates: do people only troll when hiding behind internet anonymity?
Er…no?
Nope, not with us sadly living on the version of Earth where Richard Littlejohn is real.
We rest our case.
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‘No new coalition without Lib Dem MPs’ warns Nick Clegg
Clegg half-heartedly eating a knuckle sandwich.
The Liberal Democrats have warned voters that there will be no future sell-out to the Tories, unless they actually elect some of his Lib Dem MPs.
The stark warning came as Clegg brushed aside questions about bedroom tax, tuition fees, bombing foreign countries, sex abuse cover-ups and actual moral fortitude. Instead, he read out the frequency his radio show is broadcast on and promised to do a fun quiz.
“A protest vote for us can still serve a purpose”, said Clegg. “A ‘vote for yellow’ is a vote for disappointment, a vote for underlining your disgust with the current voting system. A vote for highlighting the abject futility of voting.”
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Clegg ‘does a Miliband’ and forgets big detail from speech – last 4 and a half years.
In an embarrassing moment at the Liberal Democrat conference, leader Nick Clegg ‘did a Miliband’ and forgot a major detail in a speech – the last four and a half years.
“The Tories have run this country into the ground since the last election”, he told delegates.
“Raising tuition fees, not funding free school dinners properly, and having a deputy prime minister more interested in power than doing the best for the country shows they can’t be trusted for another five years.
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First build slingshot: Angry Birds publisher slammed for redundancy contest
Angry Birds publishers Rovio are under fire for implementing the cruellest redundancy package since Bluebeard. The company is laying off a significant proportion of its workforce having over-hired in the belief that people would never tire of their product. Prompting critics to wonder if they’ve ever actually met people and how they’ve failed to notice that we have such short attention spans most of us can’t even be bothered to properly complete our cheese Vietnam L.S Lowry tropical fish… Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment
Free-range eggs ‘were just round things found near chickens’
Customers also unsure whether to keep them in the fridge
A Farmer in Harold is under fire after claims his free-range eggs were actually ’round things he found in a field’.
PC Flegg confirmed she’d received a number of calls from disgruntled locals, mainly from the payphone in Dunstable A&E.
“It seems that rather than selling ova from happy hens, farmer David Evans has been boxing up small rocks, clumps of soil and the occasional dog’s egg”, explained Flegg.
“Aside from the obvious questions about hygiene and trading standards, my breakast was ruined by dipping my soldiers in an old doll’s head.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Farming, Food
Cat owners open gardens for public defecation
“I’d give it five minutes. Make that ten”
Residents of the village of Harold are celebrating the introduction of an ancient bylaw forcing cat owners to open up their gardens for the general public to defecate in.
This delightful community event owes its success to many hours work by local police officer P.C Anita Flegg. It’s no free for all though, gardens must be open to the public between 9.00am and 6.30pm every second Sunday of the month, with cat owners obliged to provide tea, cake and wet wipes to all visitors.
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, News, Uncategorized
Tories seize poll lead for being better liars than Labour
You can’t see the crossed fingers
The Conservative Party has been propelled to the top of the opinion poll charts for the first time in three years proving that their lies, or “pledges” in political speak, delivered at this week’s conference were better than those of the Labour Party.
It seems that the Tory lie of tax cuts for all was more convincing than Labour’s promise that they were reformed liars and had learnt their lesson and would never do it again, honest. Or put it another way, David Cameron’s smarm outplayed Ed Miliband’s confusion.
Miliband wasn’t helped by missing out chunks of his speech leaving him unable to put across his full package of lies. Continue reading
Celebrating National Poetry Day with Matt Hancock MP
Can’t help but wonder if all Dave’s chums are this delightful
There once was a minister on the hunt,
For more twitter followers so he took a punt,
Thinking he was using humour like a boss,
He retweeted a load of bigoted toss,
And ended up looking a right…(continued next page)
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Filed under Politics
Is Ebola spread by Facebook huggzz?
“I hate being perfectly healthy, I have to work so much harder for attention.”
The World Health Organisation is investigating evidence that Ebola can be spread by vague platitudes and insincere sympathy posted on Facebook.
“I updated my status to ‘Feel fluey, legs ache. Blood running from my eyes’,” one Ebola sufferer told us. “I got four comments within five minutes saying ‘Awww bless. Huggz.’ now those people have Ebola too.” Continue reading
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Clegg refutes May’s ‘thumping great weasel’ allegation
Our betters
Nick Clegg has accused Theresa May of making “false and outrageous” slurs over her conference speech claim that he is a thumping great weasel who wouldn’t know a genuine political conviction if one woke him up tomorrow with croissants and an especially tender kiss. Continue reading
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Workmates devastated as man says lottery win won’t change him
Colleagues of Harold Council worker Neville Brand are still reeling after he collected his 50 million pound cheque and vowed ‘the win won’t change me’.
Mr Brand, 65, is the unofficial Harold Council social club secretary, keeper of the stationary cupboard keys, and a keen sharer of tennis updates in the staff tearoom, and he said he didn’t want to let his colleagues down by quitting. “The only way I’ll leave the council is in a box” said Mr Brand on nationwide TV.
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Filed under Around Harold, News
All 150,000 Glastonbury tickets ‘bought by BBC’
Executives at the BBC are promising the ‘best Glasto ever’ after securing the purchase of every single one of the available tickets.
While last year’s event was marred by the attendance of several mundane people and an accountant wearing a cardigan, 2015’s audience is guaranteed to only feature ‘creatives’.
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Filed under Culture
Theresa May’s crackdown on poisonous organisations won’t include Daily Mail
Home Secretary outlines her get-tough policy for most people “Then, if I think they look a bit iffy, I grab them by the balls…”
New anti-extremist measures announced yesterday, targeting people and groups who “stay just within the law but spread poisonous hatred”, were described as draconian by some who might fall foul of legislation: Peter Hitchens, Richard Littlejohn, Melanie Phillips and Paul Dacre.
Although a future Conservative government would ban most extremist groups, hurried negotiations yesterday afternoon with Daily Mail owner Lord Rothermere mean the self-styled ‘newspaper’ will be exempt, due to its “unique contribution” to the cultural life of the country.
Filed under Culture, News, Politics, Uncategorized
Anti-Facebook platform ‘the pub’ attracts thousands
Thousands of users have flocked to the new way of connecting with friends and new people. Dubbed the ‘anti-facebook’, the new place is simply called ‘the pub’.
“At the moment there is a wait to get in,” one keen first time user outside the Squirrel Lickers Arms told us, “but the landlord said we would be invited in at 11am, when they open.
“I’ve heard that if your friends are at the pub at the same time as you you can see them as you talk to them, a bit like Skype or Facetime, but in HD. I think that’s why I have been warned to keep my clothes on when I’m there.”
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Notorious serial killer tricked into retweeting photo of Margaret Thatcher
Britain’s most notorious female serial killer, Rose West, is furious after being tricked into retweeting a photo of Margaret Thatcher.
Twitter user Simon Delaney sent West the Thatcher photo saying it was his ‘Nan’ who was a big fan of West’s ruthless work ethic and could the photo please be retweeted in her memory?
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‘Bootcamp’ exercise class accidentally sent to fight ISIS
A group of fitness fans are rueing not reading the small print, after signing up for an exercise ‘bootcamp’.
While some had been prepared appear in lycra on Facebook, few were quite so ready to completely replace the British armed forces.
Bootcamps can involve incredible hardships, such as jogging in parks or doing press-ups near dog shit.
“We’d just watched a warm-up video about star jumps”, revealed Jean Evans of Harold, “and then we all did a stretch and practiced our puffing.
“But then a bald, red-faced man with a ‘tache started shouting quite mean things about Jean’s bingo wings, and made us strip down an SA80 assault rifle while pelting us with peanuts.”
Evans and her friends Glenda and Wincie can’t recall exactly what happened next, but felt they were unprepared to defend an entire village of Kurds.
“It’s freezing at night and we’ve got terrible equipment”, complained Evans. “My iPhone’s gone flat and the top on my water bottle is threaded. I signed up for ‘bums and tums’, not ‘bombs and Tornadoes’. The government keeps talking about boots on the ground, but so far they haven’t mentioned trainers.”
Defence secretary Michael Fallon has pledged to return the group to the UK, just as soon as the Iraqi army has been trained well enough to replace them. “On the plus side, I’ve lost just over three pounds so far”, declared Evans. “So I think I’ll give it another week.”
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Filed under Culture, International News
Respected willie-waver resigns over ‘Tory MP’ slur
Brooks practices performing with a life-size microphone
Essex internet sensation Brooks Newmark has resigned, after reports that he is secretly a Tory MP were published in the Sunday Mirror.
Newmark was innocently pursuing his hobby of exchanging photographs of his genitalia, with what he believed to be a fellow todger enthusiast. Continue reading
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Filed under Lifestyle, News, Politics, Tory sex scandal
Osborne’s ‘death tax’ cut too late for many Tory conference delegates.
George Osborne’s latest plans to woo back Tory voters with the abolition of the ‘death tax’ looks set to backfire as it comes too late for many of the delegates attending the party’s conference.
With an average age of 146, the vast majority of delegates have been deceased longer than the Chancellor has been alive.
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