by | August 15, 2015 · 12:30 pm

Companies clamour to get Tony Blair to badmouth their products

Blair moneyAfter two spectacular interventions into the Labour leadership race caused Jeremy Corbyn’s popularity to soar, companies are falling over themselves to get Tony Blair to badmouth their products.

Coca-Cola have been battling concerns its products are unhealthy, but as soon as foreign dictator consultant Blair described Coke as a ‘1980s throwback sugar-laden pile of piss’, sales exploded. Likewise, McDonald’s had queues stretching out the door after the monger of wars said its food was ‘plastic, inauthentic, and caused face cancer’. Banks lined up to have Blair call them ‘greedy, heartless, blood-sucking leeches on society’.
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by | · 10:00 am

MacGyver to teach US cops how not to shoot blacks

Paper clips to become standard issue to US cops

Paper clips to become standard issue to US cops

US cops who feel threatened by unarmed black men minding their own business will be taught to respond with chewing gum wrappers, a paperclip, and string rather than the more traditional ‘shooting in the back’ method, in courses featuring MacGyver star Richard Dean Anderson.

As well as showing US cops how to improvise with a Swiss army knife and everyday objects, not shooting blacks expert MacGyver will also explain sophisticated techniques such as ‘not overreacting’ and ‘turning the other check’.
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by | · 5:38 am

Chilcot realises he’s been enquiring into wrong Gulf War

Sir-John-Chilcot

Bugger. Bugger, bugger, bugger.

Hopes of an imminent release of Sir John Chilcot’s Gulf War enquiry were dashed today, after it emerged that Chilcot has been mistakenly examining the causes of the first Gulf War, not the second.

The first Gulf War ran from 1990-91, and started when Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait. John Major was the British Prime minister when the anti-Iraq coalition started its bombing campaign, and there has never been any suggestion that this was anything other than a perfectly legal response to an act of aggression, and certainly not the sort of bloodthirsty murder that certain other Prime Ministers might get you into.
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by | August 14, 2015 · 10:16 am

Blair claims Corbyn could destroy Labour in 45 minutes

"Would these hands lie to you?"

“Would these hands lie to you?”

Tony Blair warns that leadership contender Jeremy Corbyn has a huge arsenal of principles of mass destruction, and these could quickly be deployed to reduce the Labour Party to an organisation that listens to its members.

“People don’t realise how dangerous principles are in the wrong hands” explained foreign dictator consultant Blair. “Jeremy Corbyn could use them to make Labour unrecognisable inside an hour of becoming leader.”
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by | · 7:00 am

‘If Cosmic Ordering works, why is Noel Edmonds still here?’ asks nation

edmonds

Categoric proof that there is no God.

A national experiment has shown that the lingering presence of Noel Edmonds disproves the existence of ‘Cosmic Ordering’.

Cosmic Ordering is the practice of writing down a list of things that you want, and then waiting for them to arrive.

Yet despite nearly 38% of the population jotting down “make Edmonds piss off”, the suspiciously dark-bearded pillock is still here.
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by | August 13, 2015 · 1:01 pm

Joey Essex awarded honorary GCSE

idiot

Essex will use his new-found intelligence to make the world a reemer place.

Celebrity thought vacuum Joey Essex has been awarded an honorary D-grade in GCSE expressive arts.

The qualification was presented by Spencer Chadwick of the Shining Future Academy and IT Achievement Haven, after it was noticed that his work inspired teachers and parents to see even the thickest children in a new light.

“This is a great honour”, said Essex. “Would you like my autograph? I can nearly do it now. Does this make me a doctor? How many numbers are there in ‘reem’?”

“Essex inspires us not to give up on even the most grating of our mouth-breathing morons”, soothed Headmaster Chadwick. “Idiocy is no longer a taboo, in fact it’s now something to celebrate.”
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by | · 11:00 am

Chris Evans to auction off Will McDonald and Gaby Roslin

evans

Evans dumps another load of former co-hosts.

Chris Evans has announced plans to clear out his garage, by auctioning off a number of unwanted ex co-presenters.

The self-confessed ginger has a vast collection of broken, long-forgotten sidekicks, which he buys at car boot sales, paints orange and then stores in his shed.

Amongst the lots are a rare Gaby Roslin, an ex-works Will McDonald and a tastefully modified Holly Hotlips.
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by | August 12, 2015 · 3:15 pm

Labour bans 1,200 who ‘might vote wrong’

Don't worry about that scribble at the bottom

Don’t worry about that scribble at the bottom

About 1,200 people have been banned from voting in Labour’s leadership election because they might vote for the wrong person.

Labour said the number would rise as officials check the credentials of anybody registering to vote using the simple screening question “Do you intend to vote for Jeremy Corbyn?”.

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by | · 2:08 pm

Stephen Fry, Robert Mugabe and The Queen among this year’s Strictly Come Dancing line up.

LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM - FEBRUARY 17: Queen Elizabeth II meets Steven Fry during the Dramatic Arts reception at Buckingham Palace on February 17, 2014 in London, England. (Photo by David Crump - WPA Pool/Getty Images)

The Queen of England and Elizabeth Windsor

The BBC has announced the first contestants for this year’s series of Strictly Come Dancing.

Among the notable celebrities are some big name attractions including Robert Mugabe, Josef Fritzl, The Blessed Virgin Mary, new Taliban leader Mullah Akhtar Mansoor  and Les Dennis along with some more controversial choices including Jeremy Vine, a woman off Eastenders and troubled tv chef, Ainsley Harriott. Continue reading →

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by | · 10:33 am

Airports losing war on selling perfume to terrorists

dutyfree

Terrorists could soon benefit from some very, very, very small savings.

Airport shops have suffered a crippling blow in their battle
to deny terrorists travel pillows, cologne and big sticks of Toblerone.

With passengers now refusing to show their boarding cards to
ever-vigilant shop assistants, it’s only a matter of time before an islamist acquires a very, very, very slightly cheaper pair of Ray-Ban Aviators.

“It’s demoralising”, said Sharon Hostage, who works at Luton Airport’s duty-free shop. “For the last 3 years, I’ve worked tirelessly to stop some nutjob buying the latest Maeve Binchy novel.”

“I need to see their boarding pass to do some rudimentary background checks (and reclaim the tax), but now even a blatant Jihadist could waltz out of here with a copy of the Daily Mail, and some Stugeron.”
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by | August 11, 2015 · 7:00 am

Vote Corbyn and you’ll summon Cthulhu warns Alastair Campbell

cthulhu

Cthulu: currently dormant and dreaming of reducing our sanity to ashes, and renationalising the railways

Former spin doctor Alastair Campbell has warned that voting for Jeremy Corbyn would be a “car crash, and more” for both Labour and the nation as a whole. Specifying that the “more” part would definitely involve the rise of Cthulu, the monstrous entity whose existence is beyond mortal comprehension and whose rise from the stone city of R’lyeh will usher in an era of madness that will destroy our minds along with  civilisation itself. Continue reading →

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by | August 10, 2015 · 2:42 pm

Coronation Street box set ‘too long’

corrie

Binge watchers might feel the urge to wear clogs.

A box set of all 55 seasons of Coronation Street is ‘unwieldy’, according to fans.

The cult show had hoped to appeal to box set-obsessed middle class viewers in the new format, but it would take 174 Sky boxes to store every episode.

Set in the fictional town of Salford, season 1 of ‘Corrie’ had the audience hooked from Day 1. But despite the show’s success, some people deliberately avoid watching it because they don’t want to dip in and ruin it.

“When the show started, I had to wait another twenty years to be born”, complained Harold’s Morgan Delaney. “That’s my parents’ fault, the selfish old sods.”

Because Morgan’s parents had decided not to have her when they were three, she never really got a chance to catch up with the plot.

“But now, if I can watch just four episodes a night, in six years time I’ll only be six years behind. I’ll finally be able to join in the conversation at the office. Assuming they’re recording it now, so they can catch up with the Archers.”

For people without broadband, the box set is also available on Blu-ray. “It’s been re-edited in 3D, you can watch it with the special Deidre glasses”, revealed Morgan. “Amazon are delivering mine tomorrow, by Chinook.”
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by | · 7:00 am

Cyclist spotted in dignified clothing

cyclist

The maniac didn’t even spit at passing motorists.

A cyclist has attempted to travel through a rural area, while not dressed as an absolute cock-end.

The incident was dismissed as a hoax at first, but police were forced to react after being inundated with calls.

“An I.C 1 cyclist was apprehended this afternoon”, said PC Flegg, “while wearing a proper shirt, and trousers too loose to reveal his religion.”

“He wasn’t streaming his route to social media, there was no mention of Team Sky anywhere on his clothing, and he was riding in a courteous manner. This idiot clearly didn’t have a clue.”
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by | August 9, 2015 · 8:00 am

McLaren F1 sign up the late Fangio for the rest of the season

roflbot (10)In a bold bid to revive their moribund 2015 campaign, McLaren F1 have had Juan Manuel Fangio exhumed.

The legendary Argentian won five World Championships in the 1950s “…but we rather hoped he’d been buried in a Maserati 250F.” said McLaren boss Ron Dennis “Computer simulations show that it’s 3 seconds a lap quicker than our current car.”

Dennis was initially disappointed to find no car but soon cheered up “It turns out the Hertz van we hired is astonishingly fast. Even fully loaded with pick axes, shovels, soil and coffin. So we’ve hired it for the rest of the season”.

“And once we’d hosed him down” he added “Fangio looked a bit more lively than Jenson or Fernando so we signed him up too. We’re just a bit concerned that his level of activity might wake up armchair F1 fans on Sunday afternoons.”

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by | August 7, 2015 · 3:07 pm

PM admits ‘I’ll give millions for any old toss if the person asking for it went to the right school’

1617

Camila Batmanghelidjh: Like Dave had an ethnic chum but without him experiencing any cognitive dissonance

David Cameron has today said that continuing to throw money at Kids Company was “the right thing to do” because its founder went to a decent public school.

“Camila Batmanghelidjh is beyond reproach,” said the mesmerised PM. “She’s from the right background and knows all the correct people. Of course I and fellow old Etonian Oliver Letwin overruled civil servants to ensure her small London-centric charity got tens of millions in cash no questions asked. There’s no need for audit this and accountability that when you can look into a chap, or chapess’, eye, give them the old firm handshake and know that you’re both on exactly the same page.” Continue reading →

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by | · 11:50 am

Jenson Button has watch stolen while asleep during grand prix

Jensonbutton

When he came in for a pit stop, we noticed his watch and helmet were missing

Jenson Button has been robbed while he was unconscious, after nodding off on lap 7 of a grand prix.

Jenson Button’s Formula 1 car has struggled for pace this season, to the point where his engineer has to scream ‘wake up’ every 35 seconds.

‘On this occasion, while Jenson was barrelling along at 38 miles an hour, we forgot to contact him because we were just resting our eyes’, said Ron Dennis.

‘ When he came in for a pit stop, we noticed his watch and helmet were missing. Continue reading →

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by | August 6, 2015 · 4:00 pm

Cilla’s teeth to be made into Liverpool Stonehenge replica.

copy-of-dsc03789In a lasting memorial to the late Cilla Black, the mayor of Liverpool, Joe Anderson has announced that her monumental gnashers are to be made into a full sized replica of Stonehenge. Continue reading →

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by | · 1:02 pm

E. X. Tras made Australia captain after top-scoring in Test

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EXTras in all his glory…

Cricket Australia have just announced that enigmatic young batsman E. X. Tras will be Michael Clarke’s replacement as Australia’s captain with immediate effect, after making the highest score of all the Australian batsmen in the fourth Test at Trent Bridge.

“Young Tras has done remarkably well to break into the team’s top scorers so quickly,” confirmed Chairman of Selectors Rod Marsh. “Many people might not even be aware that EXTras is now far and away the most skilful player in the team, so meteoric has been his rise.”

EXTras shocked the cricket world after scoring a massive 14 runs in the first innings at Trent Bridge, an impressive fourteen times the amount amassed by former star player Adam Voges, or, if you like, infinity times the total for Rogers, Warner and Marsh combined. It is thought that no player has ever eclipsed his team-mates so thoroughly, but to be honest we’re laughing too much to check.

When asked if EXTras was really that good, or whether his rise was instead merely a symptom of a disastrously poor Australian team, Marsh bristled with anger, before collapsing into tears and blaming the bigger boys for spoiling everything.

Meanwhile, Australian cheerleader Shane Warne has announced controversially that private study of his family tree has revealed that he was actually born in Eastbourne.

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by | · 11:00 am

Police investigate whether Thatcher abused miners

Thatcher about to enter a miner's hole

Thatcher about to enter a miner’s hole

An investigation into Margaret Thatcher allegedly abusing over 150,000 miners has stalled after Police failed to find any trace of a mining industry let alone any miners.

“Most of the abuse was alleged to have occurred up North but no matter how many holes in the ground we peered into, or broken communities we visited, no miners could be found” said a Scotland Yard spokesman.

“We now suspect Thatcher may have hid them on a very large yacht.”
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by | · 9:07 am

Top 10 inappropriate operating theatre hits

"Everybody Hurts"

“Everybody Hurts”

A report issued this week suggested that disharmony over the choice of ‘music to slice by’ was the cause of distraction and error in the nations operating theatres.

However, the report supressed the shocking musical choices demonstrating the infamous macabre humour of our medical professionals. Fortunately, your Evening Harold is able to provide you with the most popular tracks which are being played whilst you are under the knife. Continue reading →

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