‘If Cosmic Ordering works, why is Noel Edmonds still here?’ asks nation


Categoric proof that there is no God.

A national experiment has shown that the lingering presence of Noel Edmonds disproves the existence of ‘Cosmic Ordering’.

Cosmic Ordering is the practice of writing down a list of things that you want, and then waiting for them to arrive.

Yet despite nearly 38% of the population jotting down “make Edmonds piss off”, the suspiciously dark-bearded pillock is still here.

Scientists invited members of the public to write down their deepest desires, which ranged from ‘a huge bag of money’ (96%) to ‘world peace’ (13%). Around 87% expressed a strong (underlined, circled) wish that Noel Edmonds was no longer a thing.

“For years, we’ve tried to disprove cosmic ordering, by searching for someone who commuted by unicorn to their job designing biscuits”, said Professor Horton Fitzpatrick.

“Obviously lots of people would like that, but not finding one isn’t conclusive. They might have also wished to be invisible.”

Fitzpatrick concluded that not discovering something didn’t mean it wasn’t there. “You might as well look for Jesus”, he quipped.

“But showing there’s still an Edmonds? That’s rock-solid proof that it’s all bollocks.”

Disproving a minor religion has been a lifetime ambition for Fitzpatrick. “I first put it on my Christmas list when I was 7”, he revealed. “Oh. Shit.”

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