Category Archives: Royals

by | January 31, 2014 · 7:00 am

Horse is ‘so last year’ UK tells China

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A horse doing an impression of the Princess Royal.

His Excellency Liu Xiaoming, the Chinese Ambassador to the UK, has been summoned to appear before an Environment Agency Committee to answer a charge of ‘insensitivity’ over introducing yet another Year of the Horse so soon after last year’s horsemeat scandal.

“We only just put the whole sorry business of horse behind us,” said Owen Patterson, Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs.  “Now the Chinese seem intent on stirring up all the bad memories again.”

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by | January 28, 2014 · 11:00 am

Queen to save money and boost income by auctioning off Prince Charles

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Under increasing pressure to reduce costs and boost income into the royal household, the Queen and Prince Philip are rumoured to be considering auctioning off some of their assets, starting with Prince Charles.

“The idea came while the Queen was taking in her daily fix of Bargain Hunt,” her spokesman said.

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by | January 4, 2014 · 2:00 pm

Duke of Cambridge’s ‘free pass’ to study at Cambridge ‘tip of the iceberg’ says local historian

Thick as pig shit? Or time-honoured tradition?

Thick as pig shit? Or time-honoured tradition?

The news that the Duke of Cambridge will spend a term studying a “bespoke” course in agriculture at Cambridge University has prompted a backlash from other students who resent him being given a “free pass” when they had to work so hard to get there.

But this isn’t the first time aristocrats have used their connections to gain entry to namesake seats of learning says Jason Simms, a local author and expert on the education of Britain’s nobility.

“One example that most people will remember was when the 5th Earl of South Bank side-stepped London South Bank University’s entry requirements to do a foundation course in Psychology, but there is in fact a much longer tradition of royals choosing to study at universities that have the same name as them.”

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by | December 13, 2013 · 7:00 am

Events in North Korea see Prince Harry ‘nervous’ around nephew Prince George

Harry promises to stop playing billiards a with ginger balls

Harry promises to stop playing billiards a with ginger balls

With news coming out of North Korea that Kim Jong-un has had his military-based uncle executed for, amongst other things, womanising and drug taking, Prince Harry is reportedly seeking reassurance over the future temperament of Prince George.

Harry has previously admitted smoking cannabis and been pictured playing naked billiards in a Las Vegas hotel with women in a similar state of undress. Looking at events in North Korea, Harry is said to be ‘nervous’ about his own nephew’s reaction to his past behaviour.

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by | December 12, 2013 · 11:00 am

One is feckin’ sacked: Queen ditched from Christmas speech and replaced by Mrs Brown

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Agnes Brown pictured looking happier than Her Majesty ever does.

There have been howls of outrage from traditionalists this morning following the BBC’s announcement that it has scrapped the Queen’s Christmas Day speech in favour of one from Mrs Agnes Brown instead.

“We’re not dumbing down or chasing ratings,” said Tony Hall, Director General of the BBC. “Times are tough for a lot of people so we thought it would be more appropriate for them to be addressed by a feisty lower-class housewife with a twinkle in her eye rather than a fabulously rich monarch whose television manner is as cold as the battlements of the castle she’s filmed in.” Continue reading →

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by | December 4, 2013 · 11:00 am

David Beckham set to reject knighthood as not posh enough for Victoria

The future Duke & Dutchess?

The future Duke & Duchess?

Although he is the bookies’ favourite for a top honour, David Beckham has revealed that he may reject a knighthood if it was offered to him on the grounds that his pouty wife, Victoria, feels that the “Lady” title has been devalued after being conferred upon Lady Gaga.

Speaking at the launch of ‘The Class of ‘92’, a film in which some stupidly rich footballers return to school to learn basic mathematics to enable them to count their vast millions, the best footballer ever admitted that his iconic designer wife had misgivings about becoming just plain Lady Beckham. Continue reading →

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by | November 26, 2013 · 12:30 pm

Richard III’s bones to be shared equally by Leicester and York dog homes

R IIIThe long running legal dispute over the remains of Richard III has been resolved with his bones being shared between dog homes located in Leicester and York.

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by | November 16, 2013 · 1:35 pm

‘Butter up your elderly relatives in time for Christmas’, says Prince Charles

queenBanquet

I suppose an OBE’s out of the question, then?

Following the suggestion by Princess Anne that Britons should eat horsemeat to improve the animals’ quality of life, another member of the Royal Family has come forward with his own alternative to traditional beef.

Prince Charles, who has a range of organic and inordinately expensive products from his Duchy of Cornwall range, has stepped into the row with his ‘Queen Bessie’ line.

While many have been put off the idea of eating elderly or infirm relatives by the poor quality of the meat, weeping sores and lack of good recipes, HRH thinks that it is an option which will garner more and more popularity as rising energy, food and residential care costs bite harder.
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by | November 14, 2013 · 11:00 am

Social mobility ‘still a problem in UK, thank heavens’, says Cameron

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Cameron enjoying a friendly word with a serf yesterday

David Cameron today agreed that huge steps would be needed to get people who are not white and middle class into top jobs, and spoke movingly of his great relief that there was no possibility of such steps being taken.

Mr Cameron, who went to Eton then Oxford, was speaking to reporters while riding his personal elephant on a short trip checking the moat around his Chipping Norton country estate. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Prince Charles at 65: delighted to add state pension to his other benefits

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Prince Charles: one way or another he’ll get that crown.

Prince Charles turned sixty-five today and is delighted to be receiving his state pension.

“Oh yes, it’ll come in very handy,” said the Prince. “Nice to see the state doing something for us old folk. Now I’ll be getting an extra £66 a week on top of the yearly £1.1m the Treasury thoughtfully already gives me and the £19m a year I get from that thing Mummy gave me ages ago. What’s it called now? Oh yes, that’s right: Cornwall.” Continue reading →

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by | November 11, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Duchess Kate ‘could be ageing’ reveals world media

kate's head

Signs of ageing ‘hardly noticeable’ until you blow them up and draw round them in red.

Professional harridans have warned readers of certain downmarket papers that the Duchess of Cambridge could be slowly ageing, it can be revealed.

Despite marrying into the Royal family and being quite thin, less professional journalists believe that there’s a chance Kate Middleton is still getting older.

Such a move by the Duchess will be a seen as a blow by the royals, and is likely to turn the public against her.

“No wonder she’s not a proper princess”, complained Harold’s Pippa Delaney. “If I’d married Wills, I wouldn’t dream of giving in to the passage of time. And the coat she was wearing made her look a bit ‘mumsy’. I expect she’ll be dumped soon and it serves her right, the frumpy bitch.”

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by | October 25, 2013 · 9:30 am

Prince Charles fears being King will be ‘like being in prison’.

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Surrounded by security 24 hours a day, having someone else decide what you will eat, not voting in elections, being transported in armoured vehicles often with a police escort, having sex with unsightly people, menial work to pass the time and earn your weekly wage and all the tax payers’ expense have all been good practice for the future monarch.

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by | October 23, 2013 · 6:11 pm

Bishop blunder at Prince George’s christening

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Dude, do not being upstaging Her Majesty and the little prince with your sensational Jesus bling. Bad form.

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by | · 11:00 am

Police quiz immigrant family on parentage of ‘confused ginger man’

roma royals

Police claim there is no family resemblance whatsoever.

A travelling family which has traipsed around Europe for almost two hundred years is at the centre of yet another child abduction storm today. Police have taken into protective custody ‘a ginger man’, thought to be around 29 years of age and answering to the nickname ‘Harry’.

The family is said to have started out with the frankly unbelievable name of ‘Saxe-Coburg & Gotha’, but has repeatedly changed its name across various national boundaries in order to disguise itself.
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by | October 15, 2013 · 7:00 am

Man arrested at Buckingham Palace for using wrong knife

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If you don’t know what it’s for, you’re probably scum.

The Metropolitan Police have confirmed that a man has been arrested for using the wrong knife during a meal at Buckingham Palace.

Security officers moved swiftly to detain the individual, when it became clear he had no idea which end of a posset knife was which.

“A 44 year-old man has been held for questioning, after showing his class during an official State Dinner”, declared Chief Inspector Mutton at a hastily convened press conference. “Our suspicions were first aroused when he fumbled his gizzard tweezers, and failed to inflate a quail in the correct manner with a set of game bellows.”
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by | October 13, 2013 · 10:00 am

HMS Prince of Wales: calls for new aircraft carrier to be given a well-hard name instead

Wouldn't evil-doers be more scared if this was the HMS Danny Dyer?

Wouldn’t evil-doers be more scared if this was the HMS Phil Mitchell?

In an exclusive interview Admiral Michael Dearlove told the Evening Harold that the name of one of the Royal Navy’s two new aircraft carriers is having a detrimental effect on morale.

“The first ship is called HMS Queen Elizabeth,” he said. “Now no one has any problems with that. Her Majesty was quite a fox in her day and served in the British Army during the Second World War even now I think it’s fair to say that she often has a look in her eye which tells you that in a fight she’d wouldn’t mess around and would go straight for the eyes and the balls.” Continue reading →

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by | September 13, 2013 · 7:00 am

Ex-serviceman Prince William follows military tradition by becoming a homeless alcoholic

At least he earned the right to wear his uniform and doesn't just dress up in one for no good reason like his Uncle Edward

At least he earned the right to wear his uniform and doesn’t just dress up in one for no good reason like his Uncle Edward

There was shock in the village of Harold this morning when an alcoholic rough sleeper turned out to be Prince William.

“I saw this lad sat outside Tesco all huddled up under some blankets and clutching a bottle so I slipped him a few coins,” said villager Tom Stalling. “And instead of saying ‘cheers, mate’ he said ‘that’s really most terribly kind of you. Do you visit here often? Have you had to come far?’ and made me feel like the most important person in the world. That’s when I realised he wasn’t an ordinary homeless bloke.” Continue reading →

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by | September 9, 2013 · 7:00 am

UK to bomb Syria with copies of new Diana movie

Critics right - Diana movie will bomb

Critics right – Diana movie will bomb

Spurred into action by Russia’s “small island” jibe, David Cameron announced that Britain will punish Syria for its gas attacks by dropping thousands of copies of the new Diana movie on regime strongholds.

Cameron said he considered using nuclear weapons, but decided that Assad’s sarin gas attack deserved a stronger response.

“Using a universally panned one star movie that the critics say is ‘tasteless’, ‘saccharine’, and ‘stomach-churning’ will show Assad that Britain means business – the streets of a Damascus will turn into a river of vomit” said Cameron.
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by | September 8, 2013 · 3:36 pm

More over the top royal security as Charles held at gunpoint

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There has been more over the top royal security this morning at Balmoral, where Prince Charles has been held, at gunpoint, by Prince Philip.

The Prince of Wales found himself ambushed by his father during a leisurely walk through the royal estate. Describing the incident, Philip explained the moment he pointed his hunting rifle at the first heir to the throne.

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by | September 3, 2013 · 7:00 am

Do go into the water: Prince encourages Queen to attempt epic swim

The Prince can't hold back his giggles as he thinks over his evil plan

The Prince sniggers as he thinks over his plan

As US endurance swimmer Diana Nyad yesterday became the first person to swim from Cuba to Florida non-stop and without the protection of a shark cage it has emerged that Prince Charles is encouraging his mother to make her own attempt at the epic 103 mile swim.

“Diana Nyad is a shining example of never being too old to chase your dreams,” said the Prince. “At sixty-four years old she has shown herself to be a remarkable athlete who has achieved something truly incredible. So I was thinking that Mater ought to pop down to Havana and give it a go.” Continue reading →

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