From here it all looks blue and white
After stalling over the central issue of tie colour, talks aimed at solving some of Northern Ireland’s most contentious issues have re-started The five main parties will discuss parades, flags, dealing with the past and the colour of ties.
Talks chairman, former US diplomat Dr Richard Haass, is back in Belfast “for one final effort to help these clowns reach agreement.” Continue reading
Charlie Chaplin was great, wasn’t he?
There was panic amongst Ukip supporters yesterday when party leader Nigel Farage called for Britain to allow entry to refugees fleeing the civil war in Syria. This is a massive deviation from their official foreign policy which is to build a huge wall around Great Britain and Northern Ireland and to only allow foreigners over it if they are very, very good at football, cooking or prostitution.
“Farage says he wants to let people in but we’re full!” frothed Ukip member Tom Simmonds about a place where only 6% of land is classified as urban and less than 3% is built on according to the UK National Ecosystem Assessment. “All the Syrians will come over here and claim benefits then sit on their arses all day while taking jobs from ordinary Britons plus they’ll live rough on our streets while being given houses the minute they arrive in preference over Anglo-Saxons whom the government make wait on housing lists for at least ten years.” Continue reading
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Fingers pointed at Mock The Week
As embittered former Home Secretary David Blunkett calls for satirical television programmes such as Mock The Week to face tougher scrutiny from libel lawyers, other sourpuss victims of the BBC show’s lazy humour are urging government media watchdogs to go further and investigate the ‘suspicious’ scoring system used by the BBC on the show.
An unlikely ‘Coalition of the Mocked’, including pop-star Justin Bieber, former deputy PM John Prescott and Muslim cleric Abu Hamza have called the show’s integrity into question and say that point scoring is arbitrary at best, and at worst could be fixed, which would ‘seriously undermine viewer trust in the Corporation’.
Media insiders say that the BBC, already reeling from the controversy over executive pay-offs and the Jimmy Savile scandals, will do anything to avoid another parliamentary enquiry and are doing their best to block this, but they could be powerless in the face of a damning dossier prepared by the group.
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Filed under Art, Culture, Politics, Showbusiness
The government has today announced the electrification of the M1 between London and Sheffield. Transport Minister Patrick McLoughlin also explained many other upgrades to the route that will see safety increased, including bumpers around the edge of the carriageway.
The electricity needed for vehicles to run will be supplied via a mesh running along the length of the route with a pole extending from the back of the car connecting it to the national grid. “Essentially we are going to invest billions of pounds in the world’s longest bumper car course” Mr McLoughlin told reporters. “This will of course become a toll road. You pay your £2.50 per person at the toll booth in exchange for a token to get your car going.”
L-R: The Prime Minister, the Chancellor of the Exchequer and the Secretary of State for Transport
There was shock today as David Cameron executed the biggest political shake-up of modern times by sacking the entire Cabinet and replacing them with members of his own family.
“While me and the former Cabinet made lots of hilarious gaffs and got into wacky scrapes I was aware that the British public didn’t seem to have warmed to us,” explained the Prime Minister at a press conference earlier this morning. “Then I saw that Mrs Brown’s Boys topped the Christmas Day television ratings and I instantly knew what needed to be done. People love Mrs Brown because Brendan O’Carroll filled the cast with his family which creates a unique atmosphere so I thought I’d do the same and soon we’ll be national treasures too.” Continue reading
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I’ll take a refund but I don’t want to exchange her for another one
Enterprising members of the public have been left disappointed after attempting to return unwanted MPs along with unwanted Christmas presents this morning.
Many people hit on the idea of returning their local MP along with the new jumper that is several sizes too small, but stores are refusing to refund or even exchange politicians as they claim it is “not their place to do so”. Continue reading
‘I’ll be back in an hour. I haven’t got the parts on my van.’
A team of contract managers at NASA are working ’round the clock’ to build a tender process for urgent repairs to the International Space Station.
With a critical pump that controls the cooling system failing outside of warranty, finding a contractor that offers value for money has become the agency’s number one priority.
Astronauts on the ISS had hoped to make repairs themselves, but were warned such a move would be considered ‘anti-competitive’.
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Filed under Politics, science, Technology
Have you seen this man?
European Interpol chief Claude Reinmens said the search for Blair had gone cold and they needed the public’s help. “We have searched all the obvious places, Blair’s 9 houses, oil company headquarters, and Wendi Deng’s bedroom. We even searched the International Criminal Court in the Hague, but they hadn’t seen him either.”
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Filed under Crime, International News, Law and Order, Politics
Our little boy is growing up and leaving home
The UK has said today that they fully respect Scotland’s bid for independence, and admire their determination to stand on their own two feet, but that “they needn’t think they are going to be able to bring their washing home at weekends for me to do”.
Alex Salmond is hoping that Scotland will go with his bid for independence, swayed by the promise of being able to stay up as late as they want, not having to tidy their room if they don’t want to, and being able to bring girls home whenever they like. But there are doubts from the UK as to whether Scotland fully understands everything involved. Continue reading
Police in Harold have warned the public to be on the look out for an escaped six foot animatronic penis. The man-sized phallus is not thought to be dangerous but does have a tendency to spout some unsavoury stuff from its head.
The penis was constructed by Harold Technologies Ltd and designed to help artificially inseminate elephants as part of a nature conservation project however there appears to be a fault in the programming.
The good old days, said no one ever.
Vladimir Putin is today threatening to bring “death to the West” over the PC game Dota 2. Earlier this week all player restrictions were removed by online game provider Steam forcing Western gamers to play alongside Russians: a move which has proved as successful as a Gauls and Romans harmony and togetherness workshop.
Dota 2 is a strategy/action game where players who are often total strangers are thrown together to form teams, attack another team and defend their buildings in a pleasing looking fantasy land. Less pleasing is that players talk to each other over mics while doing this. Continue reading
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Filed under News, Politics, Technology
“Defra can kiss my stripy arse.”
There was surprise today as the Person of the Year was revealed to be not a person but an entire species as the UK’s 288,000 strong badger population scooped the prestigious prize.
“It’s been a great year for badgers,” said Lynne Parsons, head of the judging panel. “They not only ran an effective and highly organised campaign against the badger cull which resulted in it being called off but they also ensured that Brian May was on TV a lot which was a treat for both fans of classic rock and massive hair alike.” Continue reading
‘Hurry up, I’ve got a lobbying company to meet in 40 minutes’.
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Ed tried to keep Mili-un hair status a secret.
Labour leader Ed Miliband is said to be ‘incandescent with rage’ after a disgruntled stylist left him with the hair of a brutal dictator.
Miliband has been closely attended by a team of image consultants and media advisors since he purged his brother David from the party, in an attempt to make him seem wishy-washy, bumbling and odd.
But insiders have occasionally hinted that Miliband is a ruthless and shrewd politician who will stop at nothing to become a supreme leader.
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He’s fine. Probably just needs a tickle.
With the Royal College of Psychiatrists claiming mental health services are ‘near breaking point’, Care Minister Norman Lamb has insisted that they ‘try and cheer up’.
“The trouble with the bloody psychiatrists is that for them, the glass is always half empty, whereas in reality it’s almost a third full. Well, maybe a quarter. Certainly not very much less than a quarter, that’s for sure. They should just get a grip and snap out of it.”
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Filed under News, Politics, Uncategorized
Harry promises to stop playing billiards a with ginger balls
With news coming out of North Korea that Kim Jong-un has had his military-based uncle executed for, amongst other things, womanising and drug taking, Prince Harry is reportedly seeking reassurance over the future temperament of Prince George.
Harry has previously admitted smoking cannabis and been pictured playing naked billiards in a Las Vegas hotel with women in a similar state of undress. Looking at events in North Korea, Harry is said to be ‘nervous’ about his own nephew’s reaction to his past behaviour.
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Filed under International News, News, Politics, Royals
Unknown interpreter enjoying post-ejaculatory cigarette
News outlets worldwide have been left red-faced today after it emerged that the man they assumed was the official sign language interpreter at Nelson Mandela’s memorial service was, in fact, merely standing next to the stage masturbating.
Viewers were at first confused that during President Obama’s address the man did not seem to be using recognised sign language, and this confusion was redoubled when it became apparent that the interpreter had removed his trousers and, giving up all pretence of communication, was frantically beating his male organ.
The Deaf Federation of South Africa told the BBC the man’s signs were “arbitrary”, “did not make sense”, and “he was clearly tugging himself off during the key points of the speech.” Continue reading
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Filed under International News, Politics, Sex
“Here it comes, commie swine!” “Take me, capitalist pig!”
President Barack Obama and Cuban President Raul Castro’s unexpected snog at Nelson Mandela’s memorial service was a completely spur-of-the-moment thing, the White House has said.
There had been fevered anticipation over the last few days over whether the leaders would be able to overcome their differences at the service and share a handshake, but few commentators expected the sudden mouth-on-mouth lunge of the two leaders. As world figures watched stunned, Obama and Castro mashed faces desperately for several minutes in a frenzy of tonsil-licking release.
In a statement later, the Cuban government said the gesture may show the “beginning of the end of the US capitalist aggressions”, and concluded “He may be an imperialist running dog, but hubba hubba!” Continue reading
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Filed under International News, Politics, Sex
I say I say I say: two missiles walk into a kazbah. Boom boom!
Office commode offers genuine alternative to self-soiling.
A firm in Harold that produces ergonomic, swivel commodes is increasing production, to meet the demands of an ever-rising retirement age.
‘Sit n’ Swivel’, Harold’s oldest commode manufacturer, is taking on two new members of staff to meet their new targets. Elsie Duggan, 86 and Harry Jones, 74, have been turfed out of the ‘Over The Hill’ retirement home and put on zero hour contracts to bolster the firm’s output.
“An ageing workforce offers some unique challenges”, explained factory owner Roland Ronsson. “But it’s better than getting teenagers in, because they complain when we put Radio 2 on.”
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