With Douglas Carswell defecting to Ukip and forcing a by-election, but Ukip’s current candidate Roger Lord refusing to step aside, the electorate in Clacton have been left in enviable position of having two Ukip candidates not to vote for.
“This is a Tory safe seat,” one voter told us, “and I can’t see that changing, it’s just now we have two Ukip candidate to laugh at then ignore on the ballot paper.”
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‘Passport? Check. Sun cream? Check. Unlimited ammunition? Check’
“Obviously I know nothing about them crossing the border,” Putin said, “but I do know that Russian holidaymakers take their holidays very seriously, especially when they are on holiday from military duty and in an area that Russia is keen to control.
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Filed under Defence, International News, News, Politics
Glasgow city centre July 2015 if the Yes campaign prevails
Eerie reminder to be careful what you wish for; Gordon Brown has issued a dire warning aimed at those intending to vote for Scotland to become independent. Speaking at an event in support of the Better Together campaign the former Prime Minister announced that in an independent Scotland it will always be winter but never Christmas. He also claimed that inequality and poverty could “survive until doomsday”. Continue reading
Stung by criticism of unfair parking charges at NHS hospitals, the Government has announced a number of discounts which will conveniently mean Tory party members enjoying free parking in future.
Revealing the changes, Secretary of State for Health, Jeremy Hunt said, “Top tax payers such as doctors and fellow Tories shouldn’t have to suffer the additional stress of having to pay for exorbitant car parking on top of the hassle of working at a hospital or having to visit relatives, too poor to go private.” Continue reading
They bonded over a shared love of the Bee Gees and free holidays
Currently under fire for advising Kazakhstan’s President Nursultan Nazarbayev on how to spin the murder of unarmed protesters, Tony Blair has come clean about another controversial client of his: Satan. Continue reading
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Popular in his own right. No ice-bucket needed.
The second Scottish independence debate has this morning taken a bizarre turn with the Yes campaign revealing that they have benched Alex Salmond in favour of prominent womble Tobermory.
“Alex had a shocker in the first debate,” said his advisor Claire Howell. “Somehow he managed to fail in the very simple task of being less off-putting than Alistair Darling. So for tonight we’re pulling out the big guns and letting Tobermory fly the flag for independence.”
Tobermory is expected to centre his arguments on the basic right of being allowed to womble free and to point out that Scotland will be fine without England as it will make good use of the things that it finds, specifically billions of pounds worth of oil.
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‘If you’re going to tell a lie, make it this big.’
Theresa May has welcomed the news that 10% of the electorate voted in the West Midlands Police & Crime Commissioner by-election.
“Brilliant news. This shows how happy people are with the system I made up. Otherwise they wouldn’t have stayed indoors watching Eastenders, but turned out to vote.”
Mrs May explained exactly why crime figures have been falling steadily for many years both at home and right across western Europe.
“Since 1995, crime in England and Wales has fallen by nearly 60%, which I am linking directly to my having introduced PCCs in 2012. Continue reading
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Being asked to point to a decent politician led to nothing but confusion
Iain Duncan Smith has become the first person in the public eye to refuse to do the ALS ice-bucket challenge.
The Secretary of State for Work and Pensions had received thousands of nominations from the victims of Atos assessments and unfair benefit sanctions but has declined to take part.
The multi-millionaire was then asked how much he will donate the ALS Association as a forfeit however he made it clear that he wouldn’t be doing that either.
“Handouts are good for no one,” he said. “If people want a cure for ALS they should stop skiving and work for it.”
Duncan Smith said that he ultimately refused the challenge on health and safety grounds.
“I was told this challenge was about ice and water,” he said. “What those Atos shirkers had filled my bucket with was most definitely neither.”
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Do we want more of this or less? Less of it or more?
With less than a month to go until the independence referendum both sides are causing confusion by deploying BBC Scotland’s Mrs Brown’s Boys as their latest campaign weapon.
While the No side say that an independent Scotland would result in BBC Scotland being much smaller and having no money to produce shows such as Mrs Brown’s Boys and Waterloo Road the Yes side are saying exactly the same thing. Continue reading
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Oops – what a give away!
Following yet another unpleasant incident, UKIP leader Nigel Farage insisted today that UKIP is “trying really really hard to not look racist”, and people should be applauding the huge efforts the party is making in this area.
“People act as if not being racist is easy”, he complained to a party meeting of nice white people this morning. “Well, it’s not. How many of us can get through a morning without slagging off black or Asian people? I know I can’t.”
“It’s so unfair,” he continued, a dribble of spittle hanging from the gathering foam at his lips. “Many of us in UKIP hardly show we’re racist ever, and then there’s one incident like this where it slips out, and suddenly we’re the bad guys.” Continue reading
“Yes, you on the right with the big wallet. Did you have a question for me?”
David Cameron has clarified that it’s Tory supporters’ and city bankers’ families will most benefit from any future Government policies.
“I thought it best to make that clear, far enough ahead of the election for other people to forget it.”
Hundreds of thousands of households are causing a serious drain on public resources with ‘off the barometer’ dysfunctional behaviour, says Cameron.
The PM today announced a significant amendments to the Troubled Families programme, initially set up to help 120,000 seriously troubled families.
“We found money raised by hard-working taxpayers was propping up lazy, feckless idiots who were never going to vote Conservative anyway, however much we gave them. We’re now cutting out all that stuff.”
According to respected social commentator, Richard Littlejohn, Continue reading
Filed under breaking news, Election 2015, News, Politics
Less objectionable than who?
Labour MP Austin Mitchell has revealed the full and tragic extent of his memory loss. In an interview yesterday it soon became obvious that he couldn’t even remember meeting a woman nor any details of life between 1979 and 1990. Continue reading
New proposals to pay benefit claimants onto cards that limit what the money can be used for will also be rolled out to MP expenses.
The scheme will ensure the ‘scroungers’ don’t waste taxpayers’ money by ensuring it is only used to but the essentials, and not on lavish dinners, homes for their parents and duck houses.
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It has emerged that President Obama follows a simple decision chart when tacking tough diplomatic issues in potential areas of conflict.
Unlike previous presidents like Ronald Regan, who asked his wife’s astrologist, or Bill Clinton, who consulted whoever he was sleeping with at the time, Obama has modelled his chart on the past thirty years of US foreign involvement. Continue reading
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Filed under International News, Politics, War
Can anyone else see A Big Cock?
Politicians with an eye on newspaper headlines are appalled by yet another European Court of Human Rights ruling today, that the UK breached prisoners’ rights by unlawfully refusing to give them the vote.
“Entitled, moi?”
The Minister for Africa, Mark Simmonds, has resigned saying that he can’t live on his current income as it does not allow him to buy a family home in SW1. A state of affairs many are calling the saddest thing ever to happen since Dumbledore was killed. Continue reading
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Does the painting make anyone else think of Vigo the Carpathian?
In a speech today Iain Duncan Smith vowed to make more cuts to benefits and to introduce harder sanctions against the jobless including waterboarding and giving them spoilers for Game of Thrones. Continue reading
Don’t look at this picture if you’re at work, it could render you too intoxicated to carry on
Stringent new rules on alcohol are set to be introduced including health warnings on bottles, and visualising a pint while behind the wheel being enough to put you over the drink-drive limit. Continue reading
Mr McCartney mulls the Kintyre.
Alex Salmond has responded to a letter signed by Mick Jagger and 200 other people you’ve heard of by insisting Scotland will keep the Paul McCartney.
With celebrities lining up to express an opinion on Scottish indepence from their tax havens, Alex Salmond revealed he had drugged Paul McCartney and now had him in his cellar.
“The Rolling Stones are smashing, I love the Rolling Stones”, said Salmond. “But at the same time I hate them and can’t wait to distance our proud nation from their Brown Sugar, Keith Richards and endearing lack of ability to maintain a basic rhythm.”
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The joke fell flat when both men insisted that the other pull his finger
Boris Johnson has ended months of speculation this morning by confirming that he will be ending David Cameron’s political career in 2015. Continue reading
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