After six years and £776m, Edinburgh’s new team service is ready to offer delayed services and the occasional cancelation.
The long awaited public transport system was due to start taking paying passengers at 5:00 this morning, as long as the drivers weren’t on strike, and is said to rival any other system in Britain.
‘Detective Dads’ line up to solve the mystery
Makers of the popular crime solving franchise have announced they are to set the latest ‘Crime Scene Investigation’ series on the M1 in Buckinghamshire.
With the successes of the original CSI, CSI New York, and CSI Miami, producers of the hit show are hoping CSI Rubberneckers will highlight the skills used to solve car crashes on main arterial routes, often by detectives whose qualifications come from watching back-to-back episodes of ‘Motorway Cops’ on the iPlayer.
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Filed under Law and Order, News, Travel
Slightly cheaper than burning an approved fire log.
An advert for holiday sharks Centre Parcs has been banned, after claims that it showed a visitor who still had a penny to his name.
Amidst the normal crowd of gaunt faces and children dressed in rags was a man looking at a menu, and wondering whether to buy chips.
“The very idea that anyone can come away from Centre Parcs while still remaining solvent is a disgusting distortion of the truth”, said campaigner Pippa Delaney.
“We’d done most of our money before we’d left the car park and had to spend the remaining four days eating soil. We just sat in our chalet trying to remember how to play charades, and fantasising about cooking a swan over one of their £87 fire logs.”
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Following the news a 16 year-old stowed away in the landing gear of a Boeing 767 flying from California to Hawaii survived, passengers flying from Luton to somewhere within 150 miles of Dublin have described how they too miraculously survived the dangerous journey stowed away in the cabin of a Ryanair flight.
The passengers endured the flight at 34,000 feet whilst fighting the effects of a deadly frosty atmosphere generated by the cabin crew.
“We were lucky not to be crushed to death by the seat configuration,” one of the survivors told us. “Leg room was non-existent.
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Suspicions were raised when roadside spitoons were found to be empty.
A translation firm specialising in Welsh roadsigns is under fire from auditors, following claims that they were just changing the font.
Bilingual signs ranging from ‘Give Over’, ‘Think bikier’ and ‘You’re Welcome to Wrexham’ had been commissioned through ‘Inphlegmation Services’, and hung all over the hilly area to the left of the country.
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Experts are warning that the new ban on smoking in cars with children may become impossible to enforce, so numerous are the loopholes in the legislation.
The law was expected to completely eliminate children’s exposure to cigarette smoke, but trials have already shown that smokers will go to great lengths to continue enjoying their habit.
Over ten percent of smoking motorists stopped in the Harold area were found to have fixed their child seats precariously to the roof or bonnet of the car, with their offspring getting perhaps more fresh air than strictly necessary.
I only smoked one spliff. It was this long.
Fresh doubts over the future of Britain’s High Speed rail network HS2 were raised today following a new ley line speed record set by flying yogi Danni Skodsborg from Scarborough. Mr Skodsborg made the 500-mile round trip from the North East coastal town to the West Country resort of Ilfracombe and back in under an hour, using ‘nothing more than the power of thought’ to draw energy from the ancient ley line that connects the two towns.
News of the new record has led some to question whether the country should be investing in a new High Speed rail network when existing systems are shown to be faster, even if it does take a bit of ‘delving about in the dark arts’ to access them.
Filed under environment, Travel
Where’s your bloody visa?
The Australian government has announced that this year’s Australia Day will be commemorated by finally dropping the lines in the second verse of the national anthem which go: “For those who’ve come across the seas, We’ve boundless plains to share”.
Prime Minister Tony Abbott announced the change at a press conference this morning, expressing his “deep concern” that the words ever got put there in the first place:
“I thought I ought to know a bit about the old anthem, being Prime Minister, and after reading through it a few times it just sort of leapt out – what the hell is this bullshit about people coming across the seas?”
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It’s a Super Off-Peak!
Almost 750 train tickets have been bought via the Help to Buy train ticket guarantee scheme, the government has said.
The UK-wide initiative, which started in October, lets people buy single and return train tickets with a deposit as small as 5% of the total crippling cost, with the remainder of the loan backed by the taxpayer in case the traveller defaults or oversleeps.
Liberal Democrat Vince Cable recently said the scheme should be reassessed in light of a “raging ticket price bubble” which has seen some popular fares increase by 500% every few days, but Prime Minister David Cameron maintained that it is preventing people from being frozen out of the train ticket market. Continue reading
The government has today announced the electrification of the M1 between London and Sheffield. Transport Minister Patrick McLoughlin also explained many other upgrades to the route that will see safety increased, including bumpers around the edge of the carriageway.
The electricity needed for vehicles to run will be supplied via a mesh running along the length of the route with a pole extending from the back of the car connecting it to the national grid. “Essentially we are going to invest billions of pounds in the world’s longest bumper car course” Mr McLoughlin told reporters. “This will of course become a toll road. You pay your £2.50 per person at the toll booth in exchange for a token to get your car going.”
The Scouts, Territorial and Salvation Armies have been stood down in Harold after experts confirmed it was the heavy winds that blew 11 recycling boxes in to the middle of the road, and it was not the start of an Eco-invasion.
“The alarm was raised at 5am this morning during the storm,” PC Flegg told us. “We had calls from several concerned residents who say the recycling boxes were taking up ‘a combat position’ in the middle of the road.
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Filed under Christmas, environment, News, Travel, Weather
‘Welcome aboard flight EJ563. Our destination is classified.’
Britain’s airport capacity problem could finally be solved, if an experimental launch of an EasyJet airliner from HMS Prince of Wales proves a success.
Head of defence staff Nicholas Houghton insisted that commercial flights between aircraft carriers would allow runways to be moved if there were complaints, and save everyone the bother of having to drive to London.
“Aircraft carriers can adapt to changes in demand”, insisted Houghton. “You can sail one down to Gibraltar if anyone wants to visit there, or divert them to the Falklands if they fancy having a look at a penguin.”
The General pointed out that building ‘just a dozen or so’ new aircraft carriers would serve as a warning to rogue nations that armies of obnoxious tourists could be deployed anywhere in the world.
Using a modified launch ramp that can handle 300 passengers and up to 15 tonnes of duty-free, HMS Prince of Wales can now launch holiday makers with less than 40 seconds warning.
Houghton admitted that passengers would need to adapt slightly before they use the new facility.
“It’s a simple matter of taking the Queen’s shilling”, he explained. “We’re talking about less than 18 weeks basic training, learning how to hold your rum and then swimming a width wearing pyjamas”, he explained.
A spokesman from EasyJet pointed out that the mobility of aircraft carriers might occasionally mean a last-minute change in destination.
“If that happens we can arrange a transfer through our sister company, EasyPedalo”, said George Otway. “But at least you’ll have half a chance of arriving in the country you chose, which is a lot better than you’d get with Ryanair.”
Passengers on the first trial spoke of some difficulties, particularly as the location of their departure aircraft carrier was a closely guarded secret.
“We were flown out here on a rendition flight via Libya, and we’ve had nothing to do for 72 hours”, said one couple. “Our hand luggage has been stolen, there’s bullet holes in our suitcase and the scenery is just one depressing sea of grey. So overall, it’s about the same as flying out of Luton.”
Concerned by infrastructure delays surrounding next Summer’s World Cup, the German Football Association has announced that it is the early stages of constructing a gigantic towel to reserve the location of the team’s training base.
The under-construction towel, which is being built by a high-tech Munich weaving company, will cover 15,000 square metres of Brazil’s beachfront and will have black, red and yellow stripes and come pre-washed to avoid unpleasant early lack of absorbancy.
Initial hand-towels have already been completed, and a German fact-finding team have been sent over to Brazil to give these a dry run in the team’s hotel.
Joachim Low’s team have been drawn to play Ghana, Portugal and the United States, and are favourites to beat all of them down to the hotel’s buffet breakfast.
Not everyone is impressed by the Germans’ advance planning. The English FA has already lodged a complaint with FIFA, saying England was “Just about to build a training camp on that site, it’s a bloody liberty!” England manager Roy Hodgson angrily insisted “It really is a bit much, our builders came down there nice and early to find an enormous towel already being built. They’d hardly had breakfast!”
All that glitters is not a contribution to road safety.
Safety campaigners have slammed the council as ‘reckless’ following the introduction of a fleet of road glitters.
Harold council bought three lorries to tackle the impending festivities, and to add a bit of sparkle to the B roads around the village. But Pippa Delaney was highly critical of the new surface treatment, after careering off the road in her Land Rover Freelander on a treacherous mix of sleet, frost and shiny bits of plastic.
Equipped with powerful diesel engines and a sort of spinny metal thing on the back, each of the trucks is capable of covering around 25 miles of road in glitter a night, up to a depth of three inches.
But Delaney insists that far from adding ‘a bit of Christmas magic’ to road traffic accidents, the trucks are actually causing most of them.
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Filed under Around Harold, Health, Technology, Travel
All kinds of weird shit going on.
The world of science was left in confusion today after NASA picked up images of particles from the remains of Edwin Hubble.
“What’s really weird” said NASA operative Dr Lucille What “is that the images were beamed back to earth by the deep space imaging device of the same name, the Hubble Telescope. What we witnessed was nothing short of a family reunion.”
Edwin Hubble died more than 60 years ago. He had undoubted success with his science work, discovering that there’s a lot more space outside our own Milky Way and that the universe is expanding, but will always be remembered primarily for the role he played in bringing Chicago University basketball team their first silverware. His basketball skills were put down to his extraordinary ability to zoom in on the target net, seeing it, as he often said, ‘in at least three dimensions’.
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Filed under DNA, Intergalactic News, Lost and Found, science, Travel
Celebrations are in full swing in Hull
Hull, known for being the home of poet Philip Larkin, the Ferens gallery and the Truck theatre, will follow the 2013 City of Culture, Londonderry.
The UK government chooses a new destination every four years, with the aim of helping tourism and the economy.
Hull council leader Stephen Brady said winning was “a real game-changer”.
He added: “It will give Hull a platform to tell the world what this great city has to offer, transform perceptions and accelerate our journey to make Hull a prime visitor destination.”
TV producer Phil Redmond, who chaired the City of Culture panel, said Hull was the unanimous choice because it put forward “the most compelling case based on its theme as ‘a city coming out of the shadows'”.
[Editor’s note: Sharp-eyed readers will notice that this report is copied verbatim from the BBC website. We apologise, but unfortunately we were unable to make it any funnier.]
Cycling inside a bus ‘even safer than stabilisers’
In response to a shocking rise in accidents involving bicycles, a road safety group is urging commuters to do their cycling ‘inside a bus’.
“Cycling is undoubtedly the best way to get to work”, claimed Polly Harvey of campaign group ‘Two Wheels Good’. “There’s no other way of arriving all sweaty and self-righteous, and with your genitalia accentuated in lycra.”
Harvey insists that with a few simple modifications cyclists will not only be able to clutter up bus lanes, but also buses. “With a bit of effort, a half-decent bike can be lugged up to the top deck. Once there you can pedal up and down the aisle, making commuting safer for nearly everyone.”
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Filed under Business, Technology, Travel
Appalling motoring conditions
A performance artist has been detained in Moscow after nailing his scrotum to the cobblestones of Red Square in a protest against the ‘appalling’ condition of recent resurfacing work.
Pyotr Pavlensky, 29, sat in the square for an hour on Sunday with a nail driven through his genitals into the ground, as a metaphor for the poor-quality asphalting following roadworks. Continue reading
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Filed under International News, Politics, Travel
Plenty of space inside Cox’s head.
A team of micro-scientists working inside Professor Brian Cox’s brain say they have found the source of the universe in a small cluster of his brain cells. “The universe we are all familiar with in everyday life is nothing more than a holographic projection from within this man’s imagination,” said Professor Kevin Heidelberg out of Cox’s left ear.
The announcement in such a tiny voice from within Cox’s cochlea would surely have passed unheard had it not been for dentist Dr Richard Burlington, whose own ear ‘was in the right place at the right time’ as he polished Cox’s teeth to perfection. It was a moment in time for the doctor.
“I was plunged into an existential vortex,” Dr Burlington admitted, “questions racing through my mind about the very essence of life and the universe and whether Professor Cox was himself perhaps just a character in one of Dara O’Briain’s dreams. But I pulled myself together, tapped him on the knee and said ‘There, all done now’.”
The discovery that everything is a figment of Cox’s imagination has left a lot of people feeling slightly numb, with a sense of uncertainty as to whether they’re really here or not and whether there’s any point in anything anymore. Worried Harold pensioner Doris Kettle said she felt ‘funny in the head.’ “I’ve been ringing the NHS helpline all day,” she told the Evening Harold, “but all you ever get is an answering machine. Hello?”
The Indian Space Agency is particularly angry at the timing of the discovery and the Pope has spent the day pinching himself. The UK Government has stepped in with a summons for Professor Cox to appear before a select committee and explain himself, a move which the opposition described as ‘lacking imagination and probably futile’.
Meanwhile, the Department of Work & Pensions has called for ‘calm and commonsense’. “The best advice,” said Vince Cable, “is for everyone to relax, take a deep breath and get back to what you’re supposed to be – ” but he was cut short as he spontaneously disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Heseltine criticised the witch for buying an American broom.
With confirmation that Baroness Thatcher’s ‘Halloween Fly-By’ route will pass directly over Harold on Tuesday, local astronomers have every chance of an excellent view of the comet-like phenomenon.
The former PM’s icy skeleton said she’s ‘really looking forward to dusting off the old broomstick and heading up North to scare the living daylights out of Arthur Scargill.’
She is due to depart Gatwick Airport at 1900 hours, regardless of the weather, flying directly over Harold before arriving in the Barnsley area around midnight. A defiant Scargill tweeted ‘Ooh, see me quaking in me pit boots, pet.’
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