Category Archives: News

Bank ups security as ramblers allowed to use ‘ancient pathway’ through vault

Bank claims 'They're walking all over us'

Bank claims ‘They’re walking all over us’

Local walkers have won a landmark case today and restored the right to use an ancient pathway. The route, which probably dates back to Roman times, goes from the high street, into the bank, through its vault and back out into the countryside, cutting out the need to walk around the building.

The ‘Rambling Association of Harold (RAH) – not to be mistaken for Rambler’s Anonymous, who meet every week to talk each other to death whilst wearing masks – has welcomed the decision. Doug Walker, the Head of RAH told us “this ruling is the biggest victory for ramblers since vehicles were banned from Harold’s by-pass.”
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Hardline blacksmith calls for rule by ‘Farrier Law’

Farrier

Justice on the hoof

Radical blacksmith and part-time Viking Nigel Thorvald has called for the introduction of ‘Farrier Law’ to Harold, to tackle what he regards as a ‘shocking decline in morals’ and a lurch away from ‘Justice by Warm Ironmongery’.

Harold’s viking community keeps itself largely to itself, apart from on official pillage days, or during the annual dragon boat race.

But with a growing lack of respect for elders and rising teen pregnancy rates amongst his daughters Oslo, Freyja and Maureen, Thorvald believes that the wider society needs a ‘more medieval’ approach to law enforcement.
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Village split over Holy Jesus ‘space rock’

Fingers where added at a later date

Fingers were added at a later date

A debate between religious leaders and scientists has broken out today over the validity over a piece of space rock that appears to show the face of Jesus. Henry Slater, a leading scientist from the village, has been studying the rock closely over the past two weeks.

“The specimen is believed to have come from the ‘Terra Viam Horti’ part of the Milky Way and has hurtled millions of light years across the galaxy to land in Harold (near Dunstable), but to have travelled all that way to earth could only be down to some divine intervention” Mr Slater explained.

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Overdrawn villager returns porcelain pig to bank

cashpig

Cold heartless banker

Pensioner Doris Kettle has taken steps to apologise for the mismanagement of her account, by returning a porcelain pig to the local branch of her NatWest.

Along with a third of a wobbly wall chart, Kettle hopes the gesture will be seen as a token of her remorse, as well as a full and final settlement, which she’ll hear no more about.
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Plans for futuristic electric car promising ‘infinite range’ go flat

1979 Mini-metro is at the forefront of modern motoring

1979 Mini-metro is at the forefront of modern motoring

A pair of keen environmentalists, who locked themselves in a shed for 12 years promising not to come out until they had developed a long range electric car, have finally unveiled their adapted 1979 Mini-Metro.

“The exciting thing about this car is that the range is pretty much infinite” John Goody, one of the pair explained. “The only thing that restricts the distance is your imagination, and the length of the extension cable you use.

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Death of The Ironing Lady at the age of 87

thatcher
Teresa Macster, known locally as the Ironing Lady, has died at the age of 87.

With her trademark handbag and ironing board, Teresa was one of the great characters of the village combining her bustling ironing business with the arduous role of Mayoress of Harold, the first woman to be elected in this position.

In her heyday, Teresa was a formidable leader, applying the same criteria to council officials as she did to laundry by separating them into “Wets” or “Drys”.
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Town twinning committee seeks new members as tragic incident depletes numbers

Road baghdadHarold’s town twinning committee is looking to recruit 3 new members after their latest overseas visit ended in tragedy.

The group of Harold town councillors and local dignitaries had been returning to Damascus from a highly successful community relation enhancement exercise in Aleppo when their bus was hit by a rocket propelled grenade, believed to have been fired by forces loyal to President Bashar-al-Assad. This latest incident brings the town twinning committee’s death toll to twelve. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, News, Politics, Uncategorized

Harold Police arrest Yew trees

JimmyPolice made its first contribution to Operation Yewtree by arresting a stand of Yew trees overlooking the children’s playground at Harold Common. Some of the arrested trees are believed to have been leering at young children for more than 500 years.

PC Anita Flegg confirmed the arrest of the Yew trees, and said it was shocking that they had got away with their perverted behaviour for so long.

“I think we all got complacent – all we saw was a stand of attractive conifers that not only provided shade for the playground, but were doing their bit for the environment by converting life-threatening carbon monoxide into the air that we breathe. But all that good work counts for nothing when you consider how the trees stared at the children while their trunks grew harder and ever more erect.”
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Homeopath tackles epidemic by treating water supply with ‘single measle’

reddot

A single, measly measle

In response to news of a Rubeola epidemic, local Homeopath George Tredinnick has isolated a single measle, and plans to drop it down Harold’s water well.

With the MMR jab refusing to protect those that didn’t benefit from it, Tredinnick claims that the current crisis calls for ‘something more potent, with the sort of strength that comes from watering it down’.

“According to my homeopathic principles, slipping just half a measle down the village pump could protect the residents of our community”, revealed Tredinnick.

“In fact dilution is key, so almost not adding a measle is even better. I could leave it in a beaker, somewhere close to the well.”
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Doctor Beeching’s Axe found under railway siding

Vikki the Viking

Vikki, 19, with the axe

Building work on a new development of twelve badly-needed speculator starter homes was brought to a halt yesterday after an ancient axe was found at the site of the old West Station in the village of Harold.

Contractors initially thought they had made a find to match the discovery of Richard III’s skeleton under a Leicester car park and called in archaeologists, but the find was found to date back only 50 years to when the infamous Dr Beeching was putting the finishing touches to his destruction of Britain’s railway branch lines.

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Newspaper archiving contract awarded to local chip shop

ipad chips300

Archive ‘tablet and gravy compatible’

A contract to archive Britain’s Most Online Regional Newspaper has been won by local chip shop owner Stephen Trawlerman.

Back-up versions of the Evening Harold will be kept safe for future generations, in a specially labelled ‘electric area’ at the back of ‘The Stephen Fryer’.

Cllr Ron Ronsson welcomed Harold’s niche on the world wide internet, claiming it would be ‘immensly good’ for local tourism. “With his easy talk of clouds, terry gigaflops and 40 pence for a tray of scraps, there’s no doubt in my mind that I’d like a saveloy with that”, claimed Ronsson.

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Committee ‘delighted’ as Piers Morgan turns down invitation to open village fete

morgan
Faced with the perennial problem of finding a candidate to open Harold’s village summer fete, organisers decided to aim high this year and their ambitions have paid off with the refusal of none other than TV personality Piers Morgan to attend festivities.

‘This is fantastic news,’ committee chairman, Nick Stalling, told the Evening Harold at a celebration meal at the 38th Parallel, Harold’s North Korean restaurant. ‘We contacted him using that Twitter thing that you have and he replied almost immediately with the simple but thoughtfully chosen words “@EveningHarold No thanks.”
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Lance Armstrong may compete at primary school’s sports day

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Following his withdrawal from a swimming championship in Texas, Lance Armstrong has been sent an invitation to compete at St Mary’s CofE Primary School’s sports day in May.

The annual event falls outside of the jurisdiction of any anti-drug agencies that have imposed a lifetime ban on all competitive sport for the disgraced cyclist, leaving him free to participate in the parents’ races including the 100 meters dash, the sack race, and the highlight of the day, the elite egg and spoon race.

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Filed under Education, News, Sport

Tesco’s self-serve checkouts become more realistic; now with added attitude

Click the picture for a closer look

Click the picture for a closer look

With an increasing amount of complaints about self-serve checkouts in shops being ‘impersonal and robotic’, Tesco are trailing a new version of the tills that gives you the lack of service you have come to expect from a real barely-live person.

Tesco Express in Harold is one of the stores testing out the checkouts and so far they seem to have gone down well. “I always felt uneasy at the way the machines would say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’” one loyal customer explained.

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Police to record crimes against village Goth

goth

It’s quite sad, really

Village Goth Josh Fenning has welcomed plans by the police to start recording the many, many crimes committed against him.

Fenning claims to be the victim of a sustained campaign by ‘shadowy elements’ in Harold, including ‘the mood in the pub’, his broadband provider and ‘whoever keeps leaving him milk’.

“Barely a day goes by when Fenning doesn’t come and report some perceived crime against him”, said PC Anita Flegg. “I suppose officially, I ought to start writing them down.”

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Management Studies prodigy earns place at Dunstable Metropolitan University

ProdigyMeet Simon Kettle – Harold teenager, school badminton club member and from October, the youngest undergrad at Dunstable Metropolitan University, reading Management Studies.

The 14-year-old’s stream of pseudo-profound motivational jargon is such that even his head of General Studies at The Shining Future Academy and IT Achievement Haven (formerly Harold Comprehensive), Clive Morris, is unable to keep up.

“He was spouting vacuous soundbites almost as soon as he could talk,” said proud Mum, Julie Kettle, owner of Cuts Both Ways scissor emporium on the High Street. “He was all ‘actualise this’ and ’empower that’. Our main challenge has always been creating opportunities for him to talk claptrap with professional tossers of a much higher level.”

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Kensington and Harold colliery band ‘an insult to mining communities’

miner

Blacking up was ‘not appropriate’

The newly formed Kensington and Harold colliery band has been slammed as ‘patronising’ by the National Union of Miners.

The musicians have no connection with mining, the nearest pit is 135 miles to the north. But that didn’t stop the group reaching the semi-final of this year’s Scargill Testimonial Band Play-off.

With most of the musicians working in IT or finance, forming a colliery band may not have seemed an obvious choice.
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Residents fearful as DCI Barnaby buys retirement cottage in village

Nettles

Jersey has already said ‘no’

The normally peaceful village of Harold was thrown into turmoil last week when Gill Gates, manager of local estate agents Lacrymans & Co, revealed that Rose Cottage, a character period property in a sought-after position with excellent access to all amenities, was being purchased by a DCI Tom Barnaby, formerly of Causton, Midsomer.

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Chip shop in fish swap for flip-flops

fishflop1The villagers of Harold have reacted angrily to news that their local chippy has been fobbing them off with batter-encrusted flip-flops.

Until the scandal, ‘The Stephen Fryer’ had been held in high regard locally, for its cleverly evasive word-play on the Perspex menu board.

“Everyone knows you don’t really want to know what you’re getting, if you order a saveloy or the ‘southern-fried bites’”, said Cllr Ron Ronsson.

“And it’s common knowledge that you should never just order the ‘fish’, because that’s battered paper towels that Stephen wipes the wobbly bits from his hands on.”

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Somali production of Pirates of Penzance plays to captive audience

The Harold International Arts Festival got off to a rollicking start when the entire audience was held hostage and relieved of their valuables at the Somali Players production of The Pirates of Penzance.

The Gilbert and Sullivan favourite was the headline act at the Arts Festival, and the Somali players had already caused a stir by arriving in town on small inflatable craft up the Harold River. That publicity stunt, plus earlier reviews that the show was “captivating”, ensured there was a full house at Harold Village Hall.
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