Cold heartless banker
Pensioner Doris Kettle has taken steps to apologise for the mismanagement of her account, by returning a porcelain pig to the local branch of her NatWest.
Along with a third of a wobbly wall chart, Kettle hopes the gesture will be seen as a token of her remorse, as well as a full and final settlement, which she’ll hear no more about.
“At the peak of my banking success, I somehow convinced the NatWest to let me open an account in 1986”, explained Kettle.
“That’s despite my life-long gambling addiction, a slight leaning towards buying quite a lot of drugs, and the sociopathic tendencies that runs through my father’s side of the family.”
Despite quickly amassing debts of £200k and no visible way of paying it back, Kettle persuaded the bank to provide her with a mortgage. Always mindful of her duty to the community, she used it to buy her father’s council house.
“He didn’t know I’d bought it on that morning, or that I lost it on the geegees in the afternoon”, admitted Kettle. “The first he knew was some big hairy bailiff, smashing his back door in.”
Kettle’s behaviour was recently criticised by magistrates in Dunstable, where she has a monthly rolling appointment. Fortunately for Kettle, she doesn’t bother to turn up.
“I don’t know why anyone’s surprised I acted like I did, I’m just pleased to get away with it until know”, she admitted. “And I trust giving this pig back means an end to all those snotty letters.”
A spokesman for the local branch said it was considering the offer, although such a paltry offering couldn’t come close to making up for the trail of financial recklessness and misery Kettle has left behind her.
“Normally you’d expect to go to jail for behaving in this way”, said the representative. “Although having said that, it helps a bit that she was the branch manager for 20 years.”
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