Category Archives: News
Prince Charles discusses impending grandfatherhood with best friend
Comments Off on Prince Charles discusses impending grandfatherhood with best friend
July 21, 2013 · 5:44 pmShock as Kate admits faking pregnancy to cover weight gain
Kate models her pillow
A tearful Kate said that the constant media pressure about producing an heir had got too much for her, and when journalists quizzed her about being pregnant after she had put on a couple of pounds, she thought it was simplest to just agree.
Continue reading
Bruce Willis and team of mavericks ‘going in there to get that royal baby out’
We’re going in…
The nail-biting wait for the Duchess of Cambridge’s baby has proven too much for a a rag-tag bunch of mavericks, who have sworn to “go in there and get that damn baby out, or die in the attempt”.
Bruce Willis, Liam Neeson and Sylvester Stallone announced at a press conference this morning that they “were not prepared to sit here doing nothing any longer”, and are therefore planning an immediate raid into the inner depths of the royal womb to get the baby out, “whatever it takes”.
“Don’t try and stop us,” insisted Willis to horrified journalists, “We’re going in. And we don’t care how messy it gets. Yippee-ki-yay, Mother.”
Medical experts insisting that the pregnancy should be allowed to run its natural course were dismissed as “typical commie liberal do-nothing handwringers” by Willis, who pointed out that this was exactly the kind of nay-saying objection he experienced before his mission against a gigantic asteroid in the movie Armageddon.
Stallone was just as quick to overrule any suggestion that it might be tricky for three beefy men to gain entrance to Kate’s vagina, not least when tooled up with the impressive array of ropes, spotlights and specialist diving equipment they are planning to use.
Comments Off on Bruce Willis and team of mavericks ‘going in there to get that royal baby out’
Filed under Lost and Found, Medicine, Royals, Sex, Travel
Royal baby update – St Mary’s Hospital paint nearly dry
After the paint dried, most of the press went home
Evening Harold reporter Gavin Smith said after two days camped outside St Mary’s, the general feeling amongst the assembled press was that waiting for the Royal baby was like watching paint dry. But that was until they noticed some paint actually drying.
Continue reading
Exclusive royal baby update; nothing’s happened
After tests, we can confirm that the tumble weed is not related to the royal family.
After a nine month wait, newspapers, television news, internet sites all over the world and now the Evening Harold can confirm that nothing has happened in the royal baby story.
“There was a lady who pulled up in what we believe was a car, and made her way into the maternity ward” our reporter for the Evening Harold at the hospital said. “She was large, screaming and out of breath. Early reports suggest she was pregnant but not the Duchess of Cambridge.”
Comments Off on Exclusive royal baby update; nothing’s happened
Filed under International News, News, Royals
The Sun launch their ‘unique and unrivalled’ royal baby coverage
Young royals warned not to sheikh the baby
Following today’s launch of ‘The Sun’s royal baby monitor’, a live camera feed from outside St Mary’s Hospital, the News Group (formally News International) paper has announced how they are going to use their unique reporting methods to bring unrivalled access to the royal birth.
“Great reporters, amazing technology, and dubious moral values mean we can bring you the royal birth from the first contraction right through to long lens picture of the royal baby’s first suckle” editor David Dinsmore told readers. Continue reading
Comments Off on The Sun launch their ‘unique and unrivalled’ royal baby coverage
Filed under International News, News, Politics, Royals
Police replace ‘Stop and Search’ with ‘Tap and Tickle’.
Following successful trials by Harold’s Police Force, the rest of the UK’s police forces have agreed to replace their ‘Stop and Search’ policy with the forward thinking ‘Tap and Tickle’. The new method uses a mixture of a surprising tap on the shoulder, followed by a lengthy tickle to extract information about crime.
“I initially came up with the idea after I tickled my daughter to the point where she surrendered the remote control”, PC Flegg, the officer responsible for the new ‘non-violent’ approach told the launch press conference. Continue reading
Comments Off on Police replace ‘Stop and Search’ with ‘Tap and Tickle’.
Filed under News
Tech-savvy toddlers ‘falling over themselves’ for BBC’s 3D-eebies
Britain’s toddlers and babies are making a beeline for the latest ‘must have’ home entertainment craze, following successful trials of the BBC’s new 3D children’s channel.
3D-eebies is available through Freeview, and promises to revolutionise the way children gawp at brightly coloured idiots. But some parents claim that a fully immersive world with undue focus on rainbows could create yet another generation of teenagers who are bored by reality. Continue reading
Comments Off on Tech-savvy toddlers ‘falling over themselves’ for BBC’s 3D-eebies
Filed under Lifestyle, News, Technology, Uncategorized
World’s Oldest Calendar ‘probably from Woolworths’
Experts believe they’ve found the origin of an ancient calendar, after deciphering a price tag on the back.
Villager Gill Gates discovered the calendar buried amongst ritual items, in a box marked ‘Christmas’ in her loft.
“When I dusted this fascinating object down, I realised I was looking at one of the earliest methods of recording time”, said Gates. “It even predates the controversial one my grandfather kept in his kitchen; the one with an image of a tennis girl, idly scratching at her arse.”
At first, Gates believed the calendar was from late Plastocenic period: a simpler time when the tv channels didn’t broadcast during the day. “It could have been carved from materials at hand, and then decorated using poster paints”, suggested Gates. “It’s just the sort of thing that could have been knocked up in a shed.”
Continue reading
Comments Off on World’s Oldest Calendar ‘probably from Woolworths’
Filed under Around Harold, Art, News
US Marines invade Snowdonia National Park
He won’t last five minutes in Porthmadog come closing time
In a surprise move last night the 1st Battalion 6th Marines launched a full scale assault on Snowdonia involving the setting up of a beachhead on the coast roughly three miles south of Llandwrog for the landing of additional troops.
Official sources were initially alerted when locals reported seeing bright lights in the sky. These were quickly followed by more reports of shouting and shots being fired. Helen Brice, 54, who had been out walking her dog told us. “It was all very exciting. One minute it was just me and Bingo the next I was surrounded by all these soldiers. They were shouting at me and demanding to know where the traitor was. It was scary but one of them sounded just like Morgan Freeman so I quickly calmed down due to his incredibly soothing voice.” Continue reading
Comments Off on US Marines invade Snowdonia National Park
Filed under International News, News, Politics
Fury as primary school bans cigarettes from lunch boxes
Parents in Harold have reacted angrily to the news that they will no longer be allowed to pack cigarettes in their children’s lunch boxes.
For generations, schoolkids in Harold have looked forward to the lunch-time bell, and the little treats tucked away for ‘after their sandwiches’. A couple of Woodbines, a miniature bottle of scotch, or a horse valium to get them through a hard afternoon’s colouring-in.
Melody Hallett was one of the first to complain about the latest excess of a ‘nanny state’, despite not having any children to worry about.
“It wouldn’t have been a school dinner without a filter tip for dessert”, said Hallet. “We used to love tucking into one after we’d choked down the main course. But now, kids aren’t even allowed to pick the magic mushrooms that grow on the school field. Is it any wonder so many of them look bored?”
Continue reading
Comments Off on Fury as primary school bans cigarettes from lunch boxes
Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, News
‘Security firms defend charging for tagging prisoners and dead people, citing amount of criminals and Jimmy Savile’
One piece of jewellery Savile never owned
A spokesman for G4S, one of the companies involved, said “we have actually done a lot of research into the type of person we should be tagging and far from conning the government, we have actually been doing them a favour. For example, did you know that in prison, 100% of the inmates have a criminal record?
Continue reading
Clegg confession: I like to dress as Gladstone at weekends
The world was a better place when men’s casual meant a slightly less restrictive waistcoat ; not flaunting your moobs in the faces of the unwary.
Nick Clegg raised eyebrows during a speech last night when he confessed that he likes to dress up as William Gladstone – the towering political figure who served as a Liberal Prime Minister four times including two years during which he was simultaneously Prime Minister and Chancellor of the Exchequer.
“It’s not a sex thing,’ Clegg told a bemused audience of cycling proficiency instructors. “It just makes me feel safe. When I dress as Gladstone I feel that I look right that it’s the real me.” Continue reading
Comments Off on Clegg confession: I like to dress as Gladstone at weekends
Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics
EXCLUSIVE: Prince Charles’ letters to government
Yesterday the Lord Chief Justice upheld the block on the publication of letters from Prince Charles to various Whitehall ministers saying that the public does not have the right to know the details of his attempts to influence government policy.
We are defying the law and publishing a selection of Prince Charles’ letters over the years. Let’s just be grateful that this one is content with writing. Prince Philip seriously believed that he should be allowed to participate in Cabinet meetings which we’re sure would have led to some jaw-dropping foreign policies, especially when Enoch Powell was a minister. Continue reading
Union to disassociate itself from Ed Miliband
The leader of the Labour party set to disown Ed Miliband
“We know that we had supported Ed Miliband in the past, even helping him win the leadership election despite the fact most people would have preferred his brother” Mr McCluskey told reporters.
Continue reading
Salmond ‘trumps’ Murray knighthood with offer of discount on massive golf course
Murray assumes position for knighting himself
Andy Murray has spoken out for the first time about the unseemly ‘tug of love’ between David Cameron and Alex Salmond, which is tearing Britain’s favourite tennis player apart.
With Cameron pledging a knighthood and an open offer of cucumber sandwiches in Number 10’s rose garden, Salmond has hit back with a gift of 1,400 acres of Scottish coastline.
“It might seem a bit extravagant, but nothings too much for Scotland’s favourite son”, said Salmond. “There’s plenty more where that came from, if he should ever fancy owning his own loch.”
Not to be outdone, Cameron has promoted Murray in the line to the throne. He’s moved from 1,456,005th to third in just 48 hours.
Continue reading
Gove puts state-maintained schools in England on naughty step
A picture of a man who gets sexually aroused thinking about Dotheboys Hall.
Michael Gove yesterday released a new national curriculum which will only be applied to state-maintained schools in England leaving academies, free schools and independent schools to teach whatever they like.
“We are very much being placed on education’s naughty step,” said Alison Lee, headteacher of St Mary’s primary school in Harold. “And held hostage to a curriculum that is rushed, chaotic and reactionary.”
“The Secretary of State for Education is constantly calling for state-maintained schools to be tougher, harder and fiercely competitive. I just wish someone would give us the freedom and the finances to make them better.” Continue reading
Andy Murray offered asylum in England
Our precioussss. It’s our birthday and we wants him.
David Cameron has confirmed that earlier this morning Andy Murray was formally offered asylum in England to save him from the threat of Scottish independence.
“We have been worried about this young man for some time,” said Cameron. “It started when he won the U.S Open only to increase as he went on to win Olympic gold and Queen’s. Yesterday’s triumph at Wimbledon served only to confirm that he must remain British.” Continue reading
Comments Off on Andy Murray offered asylum in England
Filed under International News, News, Politics, Sport
Family ‘already buried Nelson Mandela a few times’
Mandela all set for fifth funeral this week
Members of Nelson Mandela’s family are urging the courts to let them bury him as soon as possible, despite the 94 year-old statesman’s stable condition.
Insisting that Nelson is now in a ‘permanent vegetative state’, his relatives are keen for him to lead one final underground movement.
But their claims seem at odds with reports from others who have visited Nelson, who claim he’s ‘never looked fitter’.
“This morning I watched him eat a 16 ounce steak, then jog his way around a half-marathon”, said one visitor. “He didn’t win, in fact he nearly came last. But I don’t think that’s justification enough to bury him.”
Continue reading
Harold to get ‘Indoor Runway’ by 2014
Mind the cabbages!
Following winter flight delays at many UK airports, Harold Council has given the thumbs up for an all-weather cover at the ‘airstrip’ behind Church Road allotments. Eschewing technology used at sports venues, the allotment committee has taken a more straightforward approach.
“Of course, we looked at Wimbledon. The strawberries were good but the sliding roof would have cost about £13.6m; even with the Trevor Bayliss hand-wind version.” said committee spokesperson Frank Johnson.
“Anyway, allotment subs had already gone up by £4 this year so we plumped for something a little more affordable, keeping the ‘horticultural look’ of the area. In the end, we ordered heavy-duty polythene covers from Gardman Polytunnels. Funnily enough their ‘Jumbo’ range accommodates a 1930s Douglas Dakota DC3, with over a foot to spare at either wing tip, and might be safe with 25mm of snow and 30mph winds.”
Comments Off on Harold to get ‘Indoor Runway’ by 2014
Filed under Around Harold, Travel
You must be logged in to post a comment.