Category Archives: News

Romanian TV’s ‘Escape to the Country’ participants always choose England

escapeThere was a further blow to PM David Cameron’s pledges on immigration yesterday when it was revealed that the Romanian version of pensioners’ favourite, ‘Escape to the Country’, consistently promotes the England as the best country for economic refugees seeking a fresh start.

The show, which has become a cult classic at the GCHQ reconnaissance centre, follows a similar format to the British version but instead of looking at homes, prospective emigrant couples are shown around three countries, two meeting their exact specifications and then a mystery country which is a little different and always turns out to be England.

In the programme we watched, Natalia and Ovidiu Demestrescu from Bucharest told a Romanian Aled Jones that they were looking for a European country with character, period features and good social services to accommodate the six children they were planning. They had a budget of zero to play with.
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Filed under Europe, News, Politics

Ukip candidates emptying ‘skeletons from closets’: museums expecting influx of artifacts

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Even Farage's pets had skeletons in their closets

With potential Ukip members now being asked to make sure they have no ‘skeletons in their closets’, museums up and down the UK are preparing for an unprecedented amount of new artifacts to display.

The new rules for potential candidates includes declarations such as “I have never been engaged in… racist activity”, “I do not have any skeletons in the cupboard”, and “I have never, in any way, acted like Godfrey Bloom”.

This move by the party has led to the hurried emptying of closets that has left the Harold Natural History Museum inundated with artifacts to add to its otherwise mundane collection.

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GCHQ now has UK’s largest home-porn stash

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Pussy webcam ‘a bit of a disappointment’

GCHQ was inundated with ‘freedom of information’ applications from perverts yesterday, following revelations that it stole millions of intimate webcam images.

However, GCHQ dismissed claims that it’s engaged in invasion of privacy and thievery.

“What the Guardian reader types don’t realise” said a spokesperson “is that it is only our constant benign vigilance that protects them from constant malign invasion of privacy and thievery. I’m sure that will now be reflected in journalists’ reports.” adding “We know where they live, the colour of their bedroom wallpaper, and the size and shape of their tattoos.”

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The evidence! Ten damning facts about Harriet Harman’s dark past

HHMore startling evidence has emerged of Harriet Harman’s links to the notorious Paedophile Information Exchange. After several minutes’ investigation, the Evening Harold has come up with ten facts that the Deputy Labour Leader will struggle to deny.

1. Harriet Harman lives in London which is full of paedophiles. She is bound to have walked past one in the street or worse sat next to one on public transport. Try denying that one!

2. Harriet Harman is an MP and they are all dodgy in one way or another.

3. Even more damning, she represents Peckham in Parliament. We all know Peckham is a full of criminals. You only have to watch old episodes of “Only Fools and Horses” for evidence.

4. Harriet Harman has been linked to PIEs since a steak and kidney one baked by her grandmother in 1954. Continue reading

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National Trust buys wrecked old garden shed for £2m

shedThe National Trust has confirmed that it has reached its fundraising target to purchase a shed in want of “loving restoration” in the back garden of 33 Jubilee Rise, Harold.

In their press release, the National Trust describes the shed as:

“This magnificently modest horticultural facility, with parts dating back to the Texas Homecare period, was founded by Ronald Thompson in 1978. Internal enhancements were carried out by his successor, Neil Banks in 2003 who added the uniquely styled uneven shelving and richly faded chintz curtains heavily influenced by his wife Maureen in 2006.”

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Princess Anne calls for village gingerbread houses to feed the poor

A grateful peasant salivates over his new home

A grateful peasant salivates over his new home

The Princess Royal has weighed into the planning row by calling for new village homes to be made from gingerbread so struggling villagers can always have something to eat.

Her Royal Highness said she was concerned that the migration of village populations to towns and cities would destroy traditional feudal values leaving servantless. “It’s vital that we plan for the future,” she insisted at a planning symposium organised by her big brother Charles. “At current rates, it is entirely possible that there won’t be enough peasants to skivvy in one’s country estate within five years.” Continue reading

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Ukip councillor blames gay marriage for Piers Morgan returning to the UK

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The wages of sin is this face on our televisions forever.

Piers Morgan has been axed from CNN and will undoubtedly be returning to live and work in the UK. As most Britons consider packing a case and heading for the exits one Ukip councillor has blamed this latest blow to the nation’s morale on David Cameron and the legalisation of gay marriage. Continue reading

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Death toll from Sound of Music continues to soar

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All dead now: Evans wonders ‘is the Sound of Music happy now?’

Following the sad news that 99 year-old Maria Von Trapp has finally succumbed to The Sound of Music, health experts have called for a ban on all musicals.

Maria Von Trapp was the subject of a film about the nazi occupation of Austria, a film that would regularly and inexplicably burst into song. This not only threatened the lives of everyone that was associated with the production with its intolerable levels of irritation, but also won it the title ‘Worst War Movie of All Time’.
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Concerns for Ed Miliband as he says PMQ’s is why public dislike politicians

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Concerns have been raised Labour leader Ed Miliband after he said he’s done a lot of thinking and decided it is Prime Minister’s Question’s that “subtracts from the reputation of politics” and definitely not the MPs expenses scandal, a proposed 11% pay rise, many MPs having six-figures salary directorships on the side, failed economic policies or their inability to put people before big businesses and banks.

Speaking on the BBC, Miliband said: “People can accept us selling half the country’s gold reserves at rock bottom prices and the coalition’s attack on the most vulnerable through welfare reform, but they just will not accept planted questions and the occasional joke at PMQ’s.
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Chris Moyles ‘disappointed’ to find out he’s not a ‘second-hand car salesman’.

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Chris claims he thought 'BBC' stood for 'Bumpers, Boot and Cupholders'

Former Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles has said he is disappointed to discover he is not a second-hand car salesman as declared on his 2008 self-assessment tax return. The news came to Moyles during a tribunal into a claim he used “working wheels” to avoid paying up to £1m in tax.

“I genuinely thought I had what it takes,” Moyles said in a statement. “I had over £600,000 appearing in my bank account that year and hadn’t even kicked a tyre, let alone set foot on a forecourt. Imagine how well I could have done if I had put more into it.

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Villagers protest as Tony Blair opens traditional warmongers

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Blair’s warmongery stocks a range of traditional tin blood baths.

Tony Blair has moved to Harold and opened a traditional little warmongers, with organic biological weapons and free-range dossiers a speciality.

But locals are worried that the business could affect house prices, particularly if a bomb should go off.

‘Deng of Iniquity: Warmongery to the discerning despot’ has taken over the premises of Harold’s cancer research shop. It’s also been knocked through to the neighbouring chippy, after Blair heard that ‘The Stephen Fryer’ held large stocks of oil.

Some residents have been more welcoming to Blair than others; Cllr Ron Ronnson was one of the first to greet him. “Lovely to meet you, did you bring any money?”, Blair joked. “I won’t shake hands if you don’t mind. I’ve got blood on them.”
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Chancellor says unbalanced economy is lovely

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“More money for us.”

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Man not stabbed, run over or struck by lightning ‘lucky’ say police

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Cassidy also somehow managed to avoid spontaneous human combustion.

A local man who has avoided any life-threatening misfortune has been described as ‘lucky’ during a police press conference.

23 year-old Adam Cassidy spends much of his time indoors looking at a computer, which PC Flegg thinks may have contributed to his ‘amazing survival’.

“His human spirit is indomitable, nothing that the fates throw at him seem to faze him at all”, said Flegg. “Although to be fair, they haven’t really thrown all that much.”

So far this year, the plucky youngster has avoided dying from a peanut allergy, having his legs broken by swans and having his face eaten by a highly localised outbreak of the Ebola virus.
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NHS delay selling personal info until ‘public convinced their opinion is wrong’.

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NHS England has announced it will delay selling your details and medical records to third parties until they have convinced the public it will be ok.

A spokesman for the organisation said: “Because people are now realising that the companies holding the information can’t be 100% guaranteed not to lose it and that in some circumstances it may be possible to identify you, we understand we have to spend more time and money convincing them not to worry.

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Ed Balls welcomes latest inflation figures

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“Oh bollocks. What do I say now?”

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Filed under Business, News, Politics

Ministers hold flood meeting with insurers

FloodsFlood summit meetings were held today in Somerset between Government ministers and representatives of the insurance and financial industries. It had been feared that holding the talks in a county which was completely underwater would cause problems but  this was not the case according to Flooding Minister Dan Rogerson:

“We floated a raft of proposals across the table and told them to ‘Bubble, gluggle, wubble’. They responded with a rather damp ‘Wurgle, gurgle, blurgle’, but we put our flippers down firmly and insisted, ‘Globble, wuggle, floggle.’”

“This is the sort of straight talking these people understand. I’m confident we got our message across.” Continue reading

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Atos to lose contract: fit-for-work assessments to be carried out by squirrels from next year

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A squirrel: infinitely more well-qualified than Iain Duncan Smith

A leaked document from the Department of Work and Pensions has shown that the government is preparing to ditch controversial French owned company Atos Healthcare. Now, The Evening Harold can exclusively reveal that from 2015 onwards the administration of fit-for-work tests for those in receipt of Employment and Support Allowance will be carried out by squirrels. Continue reading

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Rooney stumbles across 300,000 reasons a week to not abandon the sinking ship

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Like the band on the Titanic, Rooney says he now has enough reasons not to jump ship

After months of tough contract negotiations and threats to hand in a transfer request, Wayne Rooney has stumbled across 300,000 reasons a week to stay at Manchester United.

Currently on 250,000 reasons a week, the extra 50,000 reasons was enough for him to end speculation and finally sign a 5 year contract.

The striker and Shrek look-a-like said that even up to last week United’s position meant that the 250,000 reasons he had to stay were not enough, but he has now conceded that the extra few reasons he’s got are enough to convince him he loves the club and will remain loyal until he needs more reasons to stay. “Once a red, always a red” he said.

  Comparing himself to the band on the Titanic, Rooney said he is willing to keep playing despite the sinking feeling on board at Old Trafford. “Its the right and moral thing to do,” he told reporters. “If that band had a contract worth £82.8m, I’m sure they would still be playing now.”

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Flood crisis latest: BNP announce they’re building an ark

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It’ll be just like this only everyone and everything will be terribly unhappy

There was surprise this morning as Nick Griffin, leader of the British National Party, slithered out from under his rock to announce that the BNP’s solution to the flooding crisis is to build an ark.

“The ark won’t be open to everyone,” Griffin said. “It’s a British ark or Bark as we like to call it. The only people allowed on board will be pure Brits with generations of British blood flowing through their veins and who exemplify the best this great nation has to offer just like Churchill, Brunel, Agatha Christie and our beloved royal family.” Continue reading

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Police host special episode of ‘Piers Morgan’s (Slightly Dodgy) Life Story’

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Former Daily Mirror editor Piers Morgan has been questioned in front of a live audience of detectives by police investigating phone hacking in the latest ITV programme, Piers Morgan’s (slightly dodgy) Life Story.

The episode, which sees the tables turned on the chat show host and twitter warrior, was hosted by the officers in charge of Operation Weeting with Morgan answering questions about his past. It is understood Morgan was in tears as he recalled an upsetting phone call, between an A-list celebrity and his lover.
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