Category Archives: Culture

by | August 7, 2014 · 7:00 am

Failed Bake Off contestant thrown out of village

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Evans was presented with a black forest get out cake.

A contestant who was eliminated from the first round of the Great British Bake Off has been barred from returning to the village.

Many in Harold had initially been excited to spot Harriet Evans on the hit BBC show, but the joy swiftly turned to disgust when it was revealed her Swiss Roll was ‘a bit dry’.

“What the f**k was she thinking?” asked cllr Ron Ronsson. “Just 8 fluid ounces of milk with that much flour was never going to put Harold on the map. She left us with no choice but to burn down her cottage.”
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by | July 28, 2014 · 3:10 pm

Youth club funding cuts ‘a threat to Commonwealth table tennis competition’.

20140728-150836-54516510.jpgCommonwealth table tennis is in danger of falling standards and possible extinction if cuts to youth clubs continue, an insider told us.

Sipping on a can of Coke and chewing on a pack of Haribo during a high level training session at Harold Youth Club, an up and coming player explained a decline in youth clubs across the country would see minority sports such as table tennis, table football, and priest evading disappear.

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by | July 24, 2014 · 2:00 pm

Lovely weather uncovers Britain’s miserable gits

moaningminny

‘I suppose this means I’ll have to have a bloody choc ice.’

Miserable sods across the country have been left ‘dangerously exposed’ by a recent bout of half-decent weather.

Most Britons tend to agree that there are several things to moan about, and few notice that it’s the same group of dour pessimists at the forefront of that moaning.

“That printer that always runs out of paper. The food van that only has gaps left where the sandwiches used to be by the time it gets to you. The way your children pretend to be out, rather than let you in to ruin their evening”, said PC Anita Flegg.

“These are all things we tolerate people whinging away at, we just sagely nod along. But complaining about the sunshine? I think these buggers have crossed the line.”

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by | July 17, 2014 · 2:00 pm

Pub bans the word ‘So’ from beginning of sentences

so jar

Sewing club has moved to a new venue.

A pub in Harold has banned customers from starting their sentences with the word ‘so’, in a crack-down on pseudo-scientific intellectualism.

On the bar of the Squirrel Lickers Arms a ‘So’ box now stands, replacing the well-rattled swears jar. And it’s already beginning to fill up, according to Eddie the landlord. He explained how he got the idea.

“So I noti…b****cks”, said Eddie, flipping a coin into the container. “I noticed a lot of people in here think they can sound all knowledgeable and reasonable, just by adding the offending word to the beginning of any old shite”, he explained.

“So I took the…oh for f***s sake…(*chink*)…I took the initiative and decided to fine people for their cod GCSE chemistry report cock-whiskery. I won’t have people in here turning the air litmus blue.”
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by | June 30, 2014 · 7:00 am

Govt. sanctioned rebellion festival ‘a success’ says State TV

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Free anarchy T-shirt with every edamame bean salad.

Thousands of citizens have enjoyed a weekend of government-approved anarchy, claimed Britain’s propaganda machine, the BBC.

Rebellious festival-goers paid £215 each to make a stand against the Status Quo, one of the few geriatric groups not performing this year.

“I love the chance to express my individualism by phoning up and buying a ticket when the media tells me to”, said a defiant-looking Nigel Farquar-Smitherington.
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by | June 28, 2014 · 11:00 am

‘One nation Tory’ Paxman perfect for Top Gear say BBC

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After finally admitting he is a ‘one nation Tory’ and that he disagrees with the political leanings of his former bosses, the BBC have announced they are lining Jeremy Paxman up to present Top Gear.

“He is pretty much ready to go,” a spokesperson for the show said. “He’s right-wing, called Jeremy, and already has a sizeable amount of people that dislike him.

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by | June 16, 2014 · 1:50 pm

Now forced marriage illegal, Clegg searches for another excuse to be a Tory

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With laws coming into effect today making forced marriage illegal, Nick Clegg has found himself desperately searching for other excuses to remain a Tory after the next election.

“It seems he will no longer be able to use the ‘they made me do it’ card,” the BBC’s Nick Robinson explained.

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by | June 11, 2014 · 1:34 pm

JK Rowling suggests wrapping Britain in a ‘more adult cover’ to broaden appeal

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Harry Potter author and marketing expert JK Rowling has said she intends to help the ‘Better Together’ campaign appeal to a broader range of people by wrapping it in a more adult wrapper.

“The trouble with the Yes campaign is they are looking at Britain as having an immature, childish and petty veneer,” Rowling explained.

“But if we wrap it a sleeker, more adult looking cover they may just get it.

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by | June 6, 2014 · 2:10 pm

GP sees increase in mobile phone addicts being prescribed Methafone

methaphoneHarold GP Dr Evans has spoken out today about the increase in prescriptions he is writing for Methafone, a mobile phone substitute aimed at helping 3.5 inch screen addicts stop using their device for more than five minutes.

“Often people try to go cold turkey,” Evans explained, “but even though they will claim they are not addicted and are in control, you can still observe them waking up their device just to look at an empty home screen with no messages or missed calls.
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by | May 31, 2014 · 11:00 am

Edinburgh tram finally ready to offer delays and cancelled services

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After six years and £776m, Edinburgh’s new team service is ready to offer delayed services and the occasional cancelation.

The long awaited public transport system was due to start taking paying passengers at 5:00 this morning, as long as the drivers weren’t on strike, and is said to rival any other system in Britain.

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by | May 19, 2014 · 2:09 pm

Harold Weed Exhibition ‘just flower show in wrong place’

dandelionA controversial weed exhibition on the outskirts of Harold has been branded ‘misleading’ by visitors.

With many expecting to discover a rebellious display of cannabis plants, hippies and Arthritis sufferers alike were left disappointed after following signposts.

“The one outside the post office was definitely pointing left”, said one rotund outsider in a frankly awful, rainbow-coloured jumper and straggly pony tail scraped across his balding pate. “I’m standing right here, I can read what you’re writing”, he said angrily. “you’re exhibiting prejudice against people who suffer joint pain.”

Despite a string of inaccurate and obtuse posters giving hints to several places where the weed show wasn’t, some visitors eventually found a flower show in the pointy room above the church.
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by | May 14, 2014 · 2:00 pm

Research into ‘personal injury lawyers’ ads shows most accidents are caused by idiots

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An in-depth study of personal injury lawyer adverts has conclusively proven the vast majority of accidents are caused by idiots.

“We decided to look into the issue when we saw an advert claiming ‘Dave got paid £15,000 after he used the wrong ladder’,” said a researcher at the Harold Institute of Statistics.

“When we looked into it further and it turned out Dave had made his ladder out of damp cardboard boxes and Sellotape.”

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by | May 12, 2014 · 11:00 am

BBC Scheduler sacked for mentioning ‘n-word’ (N*** Edmonds)

noel

SHOCKING: Society no longer considers some words acceptable.

Scheduler Tony Jacobs, responsible for the BBC’s light entertainment output, has been sacked for accidentally mentioning the ‘n-word’, N*** Edmonds.

The n-word is considered the most offensive phrase to TV audiences, particularly those old enough to remember Mr Blobby.

“Our Saturday night schedule might be rather second rate at the moment, but that’s no excuse to start bandying about the n-word”, said acting chairman Diane Coyle.

“It’s degrading to our culture, it’s degrading to anyone who still buys a television licence. But most of all, it’s degrading to those who had to work with the c***.”
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by | May 10, 2014 · 8:00 am

UK set to lose ‘most hated Eurovision country’ title to Russia

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After over a decade of dominance in one area of the Eurovision song contest, the United Kingdom looks set to lose its ‘most hated Eurovision country’ title to Russia.

The accolade – which is often associated with the coverted ‘nil points’ – is traditionally awarded to the country the rest of Europe decides has the most trigger happy leader.

Following the invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq the UK has been guaranteed the title every year since, but with no troops left in Iraq and withdrawal imminent from Camp Bastion Europe has begun looking elsewhere for its pantomime warmonger.
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by | May 9, 2014 · 7:00 am

How do you like your steak done? Supermarkets label meat with choice of murders

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This sheep was stunned shortly before it was humanely run over.

In response to the uproar surrounding unmarked Halal meat, supermarkets have pledged to offer consumers much more choice in the way animals are killed.

Sifting through the meat aisle of her local Tesco, Harold resident Pippa Delaney welcomed the move.

“It’s so much better, now we’re properly and sometimes graphically informed”, she insisted. “Let’s see: cricket bat with a nail in it…bolt gun in the face…liver failure…ooh! This one sounds delicious AND guilt-free: ‘hit by a meteorite’. I bet that makes it tender as well.”

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by | May 6, 2014 · 7:00 am

Louis Vuitton enters ‘posh crisp bag’ market

vuiton crisps

Louis Vuitton crisp bags unlikely to be plundered by husbands.

Fashion giant Louis Vuitton is targeting fat cats, with a new range of impossibly posh potato-based snack bags.

The firm will offer exclusive flavours for the more discerning palate, including lamb n’ minted, cheese et privilege and ‘plain’ pomme de tiara.

With product placement key to success, celebrities from LA to St. Tropez have been spotted dipping into the designer delicacies, before wiping their fingers on a servant.
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by | May 2, 2014 · 11:00 am

Man sitting near journalist for local newspaper ‘definitely a filthy tramp’

office2A man sitting in the offices of an undisclosed local newspaper is a manky, filthy tramp-pig, according to unnamed sources.

Accused of burping, sniffing and farting simultaneously and harvesting nose hair with his fingers, the alleged oaf also eats cake for breakfast, it can be revealed.

“Although these activities aren’t illegal, some working at the newspaper think they should be”, said one employee. “Especially those who sit within range of his spittle.”
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by | May 1, 2014 · 11:00 am

Critic slams Kurt Cobain suicide note as ‘derivative’

Nirvana

Cobain fans: ‘tragic, too young’

A music critic has poured scorn on a recently revealed suicide letter, found on the body of Kurt Cobain.

The Nirvana frontman left the ‘derivative’ and ‘pedestrian’ note in his wallet, before shamelessly copying Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison and other stars by dying while aged 27.

“This note, with its tired references to his wife, drugs and money, is the sort of thing that’s been done hundreds of times before”, said Q Magazine’s Gregory Mallard. “But normally with more nuance, or at least an occasional change in tempo.”
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by | April 29, 2014 · 2:30 pm

North Korean restaurant fails to make World ‘top 50’ list despite 99.9% customer satisfaction

Zhou prepares his signature dish 'Rice'

Zhou prepares his signature dish ‘Rice’

A restaurant specialising in North Korean cuisine reacted furiously to being left out of the World ‘top 50’ list despite consistently recording customer satisfaction ratings in excess of 99.9%.

Dave Zhou, supreme proprietor of ‘the 38th Parallel’ in the sleepy village of Harold, told reporters that the World ‘top 50’ snub showed that the Judges were mere prawns in the Western Capitalist Pig Dog Global Conspiracy before clarifying to a hungry member of the press that yes, he did in fact take American Express.

Zhou, who is well known for his signature, and in fact only, dish ‘Rice’, said the Judges had failed to appreciate his ground breaking fusion technique: “I just pound the rice and cook it for a few minutes longer than usual and it all sticks together.”
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by | April 28, 2014 · 4:12 pm

Max Clifford guilty: The little cock will now write a book

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With Max Clifford being found guilty on several counts of indecent assault, the main star of the trial, his small penis, has said it will write a book about it’s experiences and go on a book signing tour.

“Having a little cock attached to you is hard to live with, especially when that cock is Max,” Little Clifford said outside court.

The size of Clifford’s penis size was called into question during the trial, with it being described as ‘very small’.
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