“Trust me. I’m the Home Secretary, I know what I’m doing.”
Deaths from mood-altering-yet-legal substances remain stubbornly stuck down in double figures, according to a new Home Office report.
Home Secretary Theresa May wrote the foreword but denies some of its apparent support for decriminalising drugs, or indeed having read her own department’s report.
“It was a Home Office report on drugs,” carped Mrs May “why would I bother to read it? Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Drugs, Law and Order, News
Don’t worry, they won’t be your kids, or those of your friends. Their parents probably shop in Lidl.
Chris Grayling has defended his latest blundering about in the criminal justice system, building children’s super-prisons, pointing out that they will always be for other people’s kids so nice people like you haven’t got anything to worry about.
Like Mr Graylings other initiatives, this one is soundly based on European research; his gardeners are all from Turkey and agreed the idea seemed good when it was explained to them in the greenhouse last Thursday. Continue reading
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Filed under Crime, Law and Order, News, Politics, Uncategorized
The organisation behind the world’s largest child abuse cover up, the Catholic Church, has voted not to welcome gay and lesbian people into the church on ‘moral grounds’.
An ex-priest and current occupier of cell 565, G Wing, told us he is broadly behind the more conservative bishops’ stance.
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Not so fast…
South African athlete Oscar Pistorius’ punishment for culpable homicide has been announced as spending the next 15 years in a sentencing hearing.
The sentence will be reduced by two years to take into account the time Pistorius has already spent being sentenced.
The athlete’s defence team had argued that he should be freed on house arrest, given that the prolonged length of the sentencing so far, plus the decades that his trial lasted meaning that he was now in his eighties and unlikely to kill again. Some commentators have been critical of the length of the legal proceedings against Mr Pistorius, but the sheer relief of being able to go to the bathroom unslain largely outweighs this.
When asked by the judge his opinion on killing time, Pistorius remarked that the middle of the night suited him perfectly well, as there were fewer witnesses around.
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A terrorist, yesterday
The terror threat level to the UK was today raised to the highest level since the Iraq war after suspicions grew that terrorists might have been reading all the recent articles about the deadly peril of washing uncooked chicken.
It is now known that washing raw chicken releases tiny water droplets filled with extreme poison into your kitchen, killing you and all your family instantly. Until this fact was established by government scientists, there was no explanation for the mysterious spate of deaths affecting everyone in the country who cooked chicken.
“Raw chicken washing-related deaths were running at approximately five million per year, in London alone,” explained chief government medical officer Brian Panic. “We’d always wondered why this might be, but no-one had ever put two and two together, despite the obvious presence of freshly washed chicken fillets near all the bodies.” Continue reading
The court artist ‘vomited like an Ebola victim’ as she attempted to make this sketch.
A terror suspect accused of carrying out ‘indiscriminate killings’ lived at an address that started with ‘Mr and Mrs Blair’s house’.
The revelation was made during a trial at the Old Bailey. Jurors were shown a video of a 61 year-old man speaking with a transatlantic accent, posing on holiday and telling locals that he was once ‘really popular, actually’.
The suspect was ‘hiding in plain sight’ according to prosecutors, in a ‘massive house’ containing paintings of himself and his ‘frankly awful’ wife.
“These were obviously planned, because colossal portraits don’t happen by accident”, said Prosecutor Cherie Blair. “And the one over the fireplace really captures my good side. Not one of them is a water colour and all of them bear the hallmark ‘A Pretty Straight Kinda Peace Envoy’. I put it to you that you’re obsessed with oils.”
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Following electoral turnouts of less than 15%, controversy following some of those that have taken the role, and a recent public meeting attracting just one person, the role of the Police and Crime Commissioner (PCC) had been brought into question.
However the residents of Harold have taken the lead and decided to use theirs as a traffic cone.
“Many people have asked me what he does,” PC Flegg told us. “I asked the PCC himself and after a 45 minute explanation I still have absolutely no idea.
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Dead husband turned out to be a raisin.
A spider from Harold has been convicted of fraud, after claiming a single person’s council tax discount and a widow’s pension.
Few would have thrown the ‘false widow’ spider a second glance in the village, except arachnophobes who might have instead thrown a shoe. But beneath her hideous exterior lay a hideouser secret, and it wasn’t an incey-wincey one.
“Ms Borisina has claimed over £15,000 in benefits, since claiming she ate her husband after mating with him in 2007”, explained PC Flegg.
“But we now know he’s very much alive, having smuggled himself abroad inside the door mirror of a Polish-registered Skoda Fabia.”
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Even realistic woman-shaped crutches failed to sway the jury.
Oscar Pistorius has been hailed by the Equalities Commission for smashing the last taboo for disabled people.
After sort-of-standing trial for a crime typically associated with the able bodied, Pistorius has shown the world that the disadvantaged are just as capable of evil as the next man.
“This is a huge step forward in recognising that having a disability doesn’t exclude anyone for acting like a prick”, said commissioner Margaret Long. “You don’t have to have a full complement of limbs to shoot down a loved one in cold blood, and being differently abled no longer means cynically playing the victim card will definitely get you off. It may reduce the charge, but it won’t get you off.”
Before Pistorius stepped up to the mark and pretended to shoot a burglar, homicide had been considered by many to be the preserve of ‘normal’ people. “But the physically disabled can be mentals too, you don’t need toes to fire a gun”, revealed Long.
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Judge Masipa, the Judge delivering her verdict in the Oscar Pistorius murder trail has stated she may take two days to sum up the case and deliver the verdict, beating the current result delivery record held by The X-Factor’s Dermot O’Leary.
O’Leary has become well-known for dragging a result out for as long as possible for effect, often carrying it over two highly lucrative advertising breaks.
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Filed under Crime, International News, News
The hanging Judge: “I’m not wearing any pants”
A furious judge, resplendent in silver-buckled patent leather shoes, gave a lawyer a public dressing down yesterday, for looking like ‘something out of Harry Potter’.
Brushing specks of imaginary dust from his frilly white ruff, Judge Davd Wynn Morgan tore into solicitor-advocate Alan Blacker, who had sewn ribbons and St John Ambulance medals onto his robes.
“If you want to look like something out of Harry Potter, don’t come into my court again” sneered Judge Morgan, tugging down on his black tights Continue reading
Filed under Crime, Law and Order, News
Handy guide for Police stop & search decisions
The Police Federation has rowed back on its welcome for the stop & search Code of Conduct, which at first they’d mistakenly taken to be a ‘colour code’.
“To say we’re disappointed would be an understatement” said spokesperson John Bigot
“We’d even had a batch of Dulux-type colour charts made for new officers, to take the guesswork out of their racism until they’re up to speed.”
A suspicion that a citizen might not have generations of English born ancestors, dating back to 1066, will no longer be sufficient to justify Continue reading
Filed under Crime, Law and Order, Police
Like this but lower
Local inventors Dr Rachel Guest and Dr John Goody are overwhelmed by the success of their new anti-rape innovation. The prosthetic teeth which a woman does not put in her mouth are, according to their creators, “stylish and very, very sharp.” Continue reading
Filed under Crime, Technology
In a bid to increase crime detection rates, police in the UK are to divert resources used to spy on victim’s families to using undercover officers and detectives to catch criminals.
With the damning evidence released from the Macpherson report that suggested the Met had launched a military style surveillance on the family of murdered teenager Stephen Lawrence, and now claims the same happened to the mother of student Ricky Reel, police have admitted that to date, this policy has failed to find the killers.
Reckless maniac didn’t even have a bell.
PC Anita Flegg has been hailed a hero in Harold today following the dramatic arrest of a crazy cyclist who could have caused mayhem on the roads around Harold.
The speeding cyclist was spotted by eagle-eyed PC Flegg during a routine check of local cycle paths.
“He was travelling at an astonishing speed along the main road,” said PC Flegg, “and drinking from a bottle which he threw at me as he passed.”
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A sickening monster, and Rolf Harris (also a sickening monster).
Disgraced keyboard ‘The Stylophone’ could face further charges, after it was convicted this week of historic music offences.
With its clean-cut styling and friendly vibrato control, few suspected the racket it was capable of.
“I always trusted Stylophone, even though the older kids said keyboards sometimes dabbled in prog rock”, said Harold resident Dave Evans.
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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, music
” Am I pleased to see you or is that an extra leg in my trousers?”
Veteran entertainer Rolf Harris was jailed today after being found guilty of “shocking child abuse” by having his only daughter named Bindi.
In sentencing the children’s entertainer, Mr Justice Sweeney said ”Your vile actions cannot be defended. Why couldn’t you have given your child a normal name such as Janet, Susan or even Justice?”
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Filed under Crime, News, Showbusiness
You can smell the real thing. This is solid silver, put it back in the safe
Pope Francis has condemned what he called the Mafia’s adoration of evil, saying the gangsters were now effectively excommunicated in the eyes of the Church.
A notoriously dangerous criminal organisation, with complex financial structures and a vast network of agents across world, the Catholic Church is keen to preserve its status as Italy’s ‘Number 1’. Continue reading
Look who’s playing Voldemort in the school panto!
Police in the village of Harold are today hunting a shadowy underworld figure known only as ‘the Uncle’ after an epidemic of nose-stealing left scores of local children nasally-bereft.
“The victims came to us with very similar stories,” said PC Anita Flegg. “Each one had their nose removed in broad daylight by a figure who they referred to as ‘the Uncle’. “
“The criminal’s modus operandi seems never to change – in each case, the nose is stolen between the culprit’s index and middle finger, a truly shocking, if mildly amusing crime.” Continue reading
Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Lost and Found
Albert, this morning
Residents of the village of Harold were today coming to terms with the untimely and tragic death of “Albert”, a much-loved local personality and ant.
Albert had long been one of Harold’s most popular insects, and his cheerful six-legged figure was a common sight scurrying in at open windows, devouring sweet things in local larders and listening to his favourite band, which was of course eighties glam new romantics Spandau Ballet. Continue reading
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