As more famous people who everyone really liked die and obituary writers everywhere call in sick with exhaustion, a Kickstarter campaign has been launched to pay for the Grim Reaper to go on holiday so us mere mortals can have a break from miserableness. Continue reading
Tag Archives: death
As if the deaths of Bowie, Prince and Frank Sinatra Jnr weren’t enough, now Sultans of Swing rhythm guitarist George has checked out. He was 100 years old and had a reputation for his comprehensive knowledge of guitar chords, or tabs as they are known today.
Shortly before he died, he asked that he be given a quiet funeral. “I do not want to make anybody cry or sing,” he said; “it’s strictly rhythm, so if you must clap, please do so in 6/8 time with occasional syncopated emphasis on the offbeat.”
The care home staff were consoled that that he died doing what he loved, with his heart-rate monitor displaying a steady beat right up to the moment of death. Continue reading
The inconvenience of death will not interrupt the amazing career of Christopher Lee who, according to his agent, was signed up to star in a Zombie blockbuster movie only moments after the announcement of his undeath from supernatural causes.
“For many actors, stepping over to the other side is something of a setback to their career, but for Christopher, it will be business as usual,” said his agent Morticia De’ath. “The offers have been flooding in since news of his demise came through.” Continue reading
Gladys Pymm, regular winner of the ‘Harold in Bloom award for most attractive roadside memorial’ has had her name struck from the trophy after being convicted at Dunstable Crown Court for serial murder.
73 year old Mrs Pymm was crowned winner for the 7th time in 2014 for her outstanding performance in looking after the 46 roadside shrines situated along a short stretch of the B1137 that runs outside her house. Continue reading
Doctors treating the outspoken comedienne disclosed that although her heart and brain had given up years ago, they had managed to keep her mouth going for the past decade fed on scraps of indiscriminate material gleaned from the tabloid press.
Born early in the last millennium, Joan Cruella Rivers became more famous for her extensive plastic surgery regime than her sharp tongued wit, especially after her tongue was enhanced in the late nineties. She once quipped ‘I come under the surgeon’s knife more often than most women come under their husbands’
Researchers from Dunstable University have released the findings of a study that shows people who regularly sleep at some point during a 24 hour period have a high rate of mortality, with the chances of dying at some point as high as a 100%.
The government backed study, which lasted 20 years and cost £50m, followed a sample group of 5000 people. 3500 people died during the study and 100% of them regularly had some sleep over the course of a day. However Prof Edwards who led the study said for the survivors the future doesn’t look bright.
Medical experts are calling for greater awareness of the ‘5 second rule’, the safe time limit for eating food after it’s fallen on the floor.
The campaign comes after the death of a man who ate a gravitied Hobnob, that had been on the carpet for over a quarter of a minute.
“Some jokers seem to think these rules don’t apply to them”, said Harold GP Doctor Evans. “Eating floor food after 5 seconds has passed can easily kill you. Or failing that, make you stronger.”
Tony Benn, whose death has just been announced, started life as a member of the aristocracy and ended it a commoner. In this regard he was the exact opposite of Kate Middleton.
After founding the Monster Raving Loony Party under the pseudonym of Screaming Lord Sutch, he renounced his peerage, moved further to the left and become a member of Harold Wilson’s Labour Government of the 1960’s. As Postmaster General he was responsible for ensuring enough gum was applied to postage stamps and having the Post Office Tower built entirely of Lego bricks.
A noted original political thinker and great orator, he made frequent appearances on shows such as Question Time well into his eighties. “Everyone listened when Tony spoke” said David Dimbleby, paying tribute. “Of course, it was total bollocks, but everyone listened.” Continue reading
The Emir of Qatar has reassured FIFA that he is ‘confident’ of killing at least 4,000 migrant workers before the 2022 World Cup opening ceremony.
Using a combination of squalid conditions, oppressive brutality and safety gear made out of paper, the emirate has so far managed to see off around 400 Nepalese slaves.
“It’s a start”, said Emir Tamim bin Hamad Al Thani. “We’re on track, but I think we could do more.”
Ariel Sharon former Prime Minister of Israel died yesterday aged 85. He was one of the last of the generation that fought in the 1948 Palestine War which led to Britain realising it was in over its head as well as broke and buggering off/the creation of the State of Israel.
Though only twenty at the time Sharon was a gifted soldier/reckless prick who rose through the ranks of the newly formed Israeli army and by 1953 was commanding Unit 101 an elite squad that slaughtered women and children/fought bravely to eradicate Palestinian terrorists. Continue reading
In a statement issued through her publicist and medium, Winehouse said she was more of a social corpse, and she could give up death at any time.
“They said I couldn’t give up the drink and drugs but I proved them all wrong – I haven’t touched a drop of whiskey or line of coke for over two years” said Winehouse.
“Death is not causing me any problems, if anything my skin has improved. But I’m being careful to do death in moderation, and only when I have company around.”
Overseas tourist officials they are baffled by Benidorm Bungee, a syndrome which has caused an increasing number of young holidaymakers to plunge to their death from hotel balconies for no apparent reason.
The syndrome, named after the resort where it first occurred, only seems to affect British tourists, striking them down in the early hours of the morning without warning. Most of its victims are young with no previous balance or health issues.
Stacey Briggs, 21, lost Darren, her boyfriend of two days, to an attack of Benidorm Bungee whilst on holiday in Magaluf in June. “We’d just got back to my hotel room after ending up at that El Tequila Slammer Bar. As I was chucking up, Darren said he would get some air on the balcony and, then, he was gone. It was all so sudden. He didn’t even say goodbye.” Continue reading
When Doris Kettle’s brother, Ken, died at the age of 78 in January, his sister naturally expected his family to pay tribute to him in the usual manner by taking part in some futile project in his memory. But so far, says a disappointed Doris, nothing has happened.
“I think it’s appalling,’ said the Grandmother of six. “We had the funeral, the wake and then, of course, the memorial service and since then, nothing. The London Marathon came and went and none of the lazy buggers even bothered to take part in that. Not one of them has even had their head shaved. I can’t help thinking that Ken died in vain.” Continue reading