Not to mention the pot holes…
While scientists are over the moon with their discovery of a water lake on Mars, residents of North West England have expressed disappointment that their hosepipe ban will not be cancelled.
“Water on Mars isn’t really going to help with the regional water shortage,” said a spokesman for United Utilities.
“Our job is to manage the water here in Lancashire and we’re not very good at that, so you can’t honestly think, as some have suggested, that we may as well try to run a pipeline from Mars. Not without a feasibility study anyway.”
“So I lost the codes. It’s no big deal.”
The White House was in meltdown today following President Trump’s tweet “OMG I lost the codes!” only hours before he was due to declare all-out nuclear war on N Korea.
“These things happen,” he tweeted.
Working on the theory the codes may have been stolen by a pickpocket working for the enemy, all of Trump’s fingers were pointing at a single suspect. Continue reading
Waste land may be bought up by NCP.
Following the unearthing of a Roman Villa during a barn conversion job in Wiltshire, the archaeologists had another surprise when they dug up a mosaic floor and found Aston Villa underneath that.
“We knew they were on the verge of relegation,” said Dr David Roberts, an Historic England archaeologist, “but hadn’t quite appreciated just how low a team can go. This one was buried under a thick layer of alluvial sediment.”
A Forensic Artist’s rendering of how the bowl of Petunias might have looked, before impact
As if dealing with stranded sperm whales wasn’t enough, bewildered Norfolk locals were today confronted with an angry looking bowl of petunias on a beach near Hunstanton.
Cockle picker Silas Thurlby found the unusual item after hearing what a long wailing noise which he describes as sounding like someone shouting “Oh no, not again” while falling from a great height.
An artist’s impression of some rocks, in happier times.
An online video allegedly posted by ISIS has claimed responsibility for the destruction of a stone circle in Wiltshire.
The henge features around 100 giant stones, which have been deliberately toppled into holes and covered with earth.
Archeologists described the attack as ‘fairly easy to reverse’, rather than ‘sickening’, which the media had been hoping for.
In the video, a disguised man bragged that ISIS had attacked the stones with machetes. When this failed to work, they had shot at them, and then tried to set fire to them.
Ed Miliband has been sent an invoice for “not showing up” in his position as head of the Labour Party.
Mr Miliband apparently agreed to lead the party in 2010, but subsequently seems to have realised he had something else planned, at least, that’s the only way to explain his seeming invisibility.
“It’s like he just couldn’t be bothered to show up,” complained TUC General Secretary and mother of two Frances O’Grady. “We wouldn’t mind, but we paid for the charisma training.”
“I got the invoice this morning,” admitted Miliband to journalists. “They said they would take me to the small claims court if I don’t pay. I just think it’s really unfair. I’m the Leader of the Opposition, I think”
Legal experts believe it is actually unlikely that Miliband will be forced to pay the bill. The Evening Harold’s Legal correspondent insisted: “A legal contract can only be made with a fully-mature grown adult. We think that says it all.”
Look who’s playing Voldemort in the school panto!
Police in the village of Harold are today hunting a shadowy underworld figure known only as ‘the Uncle’ after an epidemic of nose-stealing left scores of local children nasally-bereft.
“The victims came to us with very similar stories,” said PC Anita Flegg. “Each one had their nose removed in broad daylight by a figure who they referred to as ‘the Uncle’. “
“The criminal’s modus operandi seems never to change – in each case, the nose is stolen between the culprit’s index and middle finger, a truly shocking, if mildly amusing crime.” Continue reading
Archaeologists have found earthen jam jars, crude tea towels and an early pen with a feather stuck in it.
A team of archaeologists has made a startling discovery near Stonehenge – an ancient visitor centre, dating back to the Mesolithic period.
Crudely constructed from stone and featuring ramp access for chariots, the ancient visitor centre was found while digging the foundations for a new visitor centre on the same spot.
“At first we weren’t sure what we’d found, which means it was definitely for ritual purposes”, said local historian George Hubert. “But we kept on digging, and soon discovered what appeared to be a diorama.”
The diorama is thought to represent the famous circle of standing stones, but was clearly made from old teeth and bits of knee caps.
Polce have warned the public not to approach the bear, which is believed to be manky.
Police are urging Twitter users to to ignore a picture of a ‘lost’ bear, claiming that the evil animal is plotting revenge on its previous owners.
Known only as ‘Bear X’, the synthetic creature kidnapped a woman with quite tidy writing, and forced her to produce a letter to help him track the terrified family down.
Speaking from Dunstable hospital where she is being treated for shock, the woman assured a press conference that the bear was ‘absolute scum’.
All kinds of weird shit going on.
The world of science was left in confusion today after NASA picked up images of particles from the remains of Edwin Hubble.
“What’s really weird” said NASA operative Dr Lucille What “is that the images were beamed back to earth by the deep space imaging device of the same name, the Hubble Telescope. What we witnessed was nothing short of a family reunion.”
Edwin Hubble died more than 60 years ago. He had undoubted success with his science work, discovering that there’s a lot more space outside our own Milky Way and that the universe is expanding, but will always be remembered primarily for the role he played in bringing Chicago University basketball team their first silverware. His basketball skills were put down to his extraordinary ability to zoom in on the target net, seeing it, as he often said, ‘in at least three dimensions’.
Michael Clarke in typical pose, heading back to pavilion
Following a newspaper’s proposal to discourage England bowler Stuart Broad by not naming him, the Australian cricket captain Michael Clarke has made a heartfelt plea not to be named either, after a disastrous performance on day one of the Ashes.
The Brisbane Courier-Mail, after apparently being taken over by a consortium of six-year-olds, put the unusually grown-up plan on its front page yesterday. The perhaps hasty reasoning being that maverick bowler Broad thrives on aggression, and therefore could be neutralised by never speaking his name. Not for nothing is the city of Brisbane known as a centre of philosophy and logical thinking. Continue reading
Potato ‘undressed me with his eyes’ claimed Jane Fondant.
There was much excitement in Harold today following local tramp John Horse’s lucky find of a solitary late-season King Edward in a field on the outskirts of the village.
“We had a long chat about the England back four,” said Horse, “and shared a couple of jokes about Rio Ferdinand before I realised I was dealing with an organism with far more intelligence than any English footballer. So I popped ’im in me pocket.”
Horse successfully fought off an imaginary mob of ‘bastard thieving scavengers’ clearly intent on snatching the precious vegetable from his grasp as he made his way along the central reservation of Chiggley Moor Lane, finally reaching the sanctuary of the Squirrel Licker’s Arms.
We’re going in…
The nail-biting wait for the Duchess of Cambridge’s baby has proven too much for a a rag-tag bunch of mavericks, who have sworn to “go in there and get that damn baby out, or die in the attempt”.
Bruce Willis, Liam Neeson and Sylvester Stallone announced at a press conference this morning that they “were not prepared to sit here doing nothing any longer”, and are therefore planning an immediate raid into the inner depths of the royal womb to get the baby out, “whatever it takes”.
“Don’t try and stop us,” insisted Willis to horrified journalists, “We’re going in. And we don’t care how messy it gets. Yippee-ki-yay, Mother.”
Medical experts insisting that the pregnancy should be allowed to run its natural course were dismissed as “typical commie liberal do-nothing handwringers” by Willis, who pointed out that this was exactly the kind of nay-saying objection he experienced before his mission against a gigantic asteroid in the movie Armageddon.
Stallone was just as quick to overrule any suggestion that it might be tricky for three beefy men to gain entrance to Kate’s vagina, not least when tooled up with the impressive array of ropes, spotlights and specialist diving equipment they are planning to use.
Pendry (centre) nearly seen accepting his prize
The physicist who proposed the idea of an “invisibility cloak” has failed to appear to receive the Newton Medal, the highest honour of the UK’s Institute of Physics. Imperial College’s Professor Sir John Pendry had been awarded the medal for his work on cloaking and stealth camouflage, but despite assuring organisers he would attend, when the presentation ceremony began he was nowhere to be seen. Some guests swore they could hear someone trying to attract attention in the background, but all attempts at searching were in vain.
This is not the first time Professor Pendry has mysteriously gone absent from an important event. A few months ago he was due to speak at a meeting of the Government’s special committee on scientific matters, but his chair remained empty thr0ughout the session, despite organisers having the odd feeling that they were being watched.
Morrison: Been Down So Long
Goths in Harold have finally met one of their idols this week, after the decayed remains of Jim Morrison paid them a visit.
Doors frontman Jim Morrison, originally buried in the Père Lachaise Cemetery in Paris in 1971, has until now spent very little time in the UK. But local legend tells how he once visited Harold’s famed twin bun shops, while he should have been performing at the Isle of Wight festival.
“When The Doors took to the stage in 1970, the set was entirely shrouded in darkness”, explained local Goth Josh Fenning. “Historians will tell you that it was because he didn’t want to be blinded by spotlights, but in truth it was because he was 120 miles away, enthusiastically tonguing a vanilla slice.”