UK nuclear command prepare for the night shift.
A weekend IMHO poll has revealed that most people feel relaxed about our nuclear warheads being under the control of wide-awake clear-thinking coke-snorting top-flight gamers, and that this is way preferable to President Trump having his finger on the big button.
“These guys in the submarine are best in class when it comes to video war games,” said Harold teenager Kevin Ronsson. “They’ve got hand-eye coordination like you wouldn’t believe and they’re so sharp-brained they can beat you at chess with one hand while fending off incoming with the other. Whereas Trump is more like a thick dickhead, still stuck on level 1 in Hungry Horace.”
Attention deficit disorder means a worried Gatlin can’t remember where he left his stash
Men’s 100m World Champion Justin Gatlin has paid a touching tribute to professional weasels and to the pharmaceutical industry.
“Without those guys I wouldn’t be where I am today.” said Gatlin, his eyes bulging; a sentiment shared by 99% of spectators in the London Stadium, most of whom would rather have seen Pol Pot’s evil twin brother win the race.
He was first rumbled as a drugs hoover in 2001 but Continue reading
A typical village stoner
Pinning hopes for Lib Dem election success on the decriminalisation of marijuana may be flawed logic says a village stoner.
“Most of the time we’re too stoned to remember to put things in our diaries,” said the smoker. “Anyway, politicians are power-crazed liars, who’ll tell you anything.”
The dope smoking community is also wary that someone is trying to pull a fast one on them.
“So, they want us to register to vote for this? So is that like your name and address and stuff? Yeah, thought so, and the next thing you know is someone’s knocking on your door init. Get lost.”
Nick Clegg meanwhile has been explaining more details of the marijuana policy. Continue reading
“That is an unfortunate political decision.”
Any drug that has a psychoactive effect and dangerously low tax levels will be illegal to make or sell in the UK as of today.
The move comes soon after a shop selling so-called ‘legal highs’ in Rotherham was closed down by police investigating accusations that the only tax revenue being raised was from VAT. Continue reading
Following their high court defeat over plain cigarette packaging, tobacco companies have announced a move into branded chemotherapy treatment.
“We accept that we have to start moving into new areas,” admitted British American Tobacco spokesman Harry Death.
“Our research shows a remarkably similar demographic between cancer patients and our existing customers. Really, it’s uncanny.”
Marlboro have already launched an aggressive cancer drug for the rugged outdoors type, while Benson and Hedges’ Silk Cut chemo will be aimed at users who do not really need treatment but don’t want to feel like they’re missing out.
Meanwhile, for those who find the whole chemo thing a bit too strong, why not try menthol-chemo for the cool rush of winter – like that bloke in the operating gown in the Macmillan ads.
This is only the start of big tobacco’s monetization of its products’ longer-term effects. Camel have started selling amusing hump-branded urns, while Superkings have a range of longer than usual coffins for budget-conscious tall people.
Filed under Drugs, Health
Policemen ‘just happened’ to be rummaging around in women’s underwear
Following the reporting of Meth found hidden in a shipment of bras, Australian police have announced the discovery of crack apparent in the pants of a middle aged male border guard.
“The crack was initially highlighted by our sniffer dogs, which we had to forcibly drag away from it. Continue reading
Filed under Drugs, News, Police
Admit it, you know one, don’t you? At least vaguely.
Ground-breaking new research has uncovered the fact that the entire population of the planet all know, at least vaguely, someone called ‘Simon Williams’, it emerged today.
The revelation, which came about as an accidental discovery while scientists were doing something else, has already been tipped for the coveted Nobel Prize for advances in the field of Simon Williams.
“It all came about by a bit of an accident,” explained one of the researchers. “My colleague Bob was telling me a joke in the lab, and I just mentioned that my mate Simon Williams would like it. He mentioned that he had a friend called Simon Williams too, but it turned out not to be the same guy.”
“That got us wondering if everyone knew someone called Simon Williams, and when we asked the other two guys at work, they both did. So 100% then. That’ll be a million quid, thanks.” Continue reading
Filed under Drugs, science
One small drop for the NHS, one giant leap for the National Debt.
A Department of Health proposal to reclassify homeopathy as pure cuckoo and so exclude it from NHS spending has come under fire from the alternative therapies industry.
The Department of Health says that there is no scientific evidence to support homeopathy as an effective form of medical treatment and it must be removed entirely from NHS spending. But that is missing the whole point, says local alternative practitioner George Tredinnick.
“It’s a complete category error to want to apply scientific principles to homeopathy, which by its very nature relies on Belief in Magic,” he said. “Unfortunately, Government Ministers have not one tiny drop of imagination between them.”
No. No. No.
An expert who personally survived a ‘Yes’ album has warned that LSD is a ‘gateway’ to progressive rock.
With reports that the drug has come back into fashion, Dr Bob Wyatt described how this could lead to an interest in albums on which considerably more time has been spent on the cover art than on the actual music.
“To someone who has taken acid, all those dragons and unicorns can seem pretty appealling”, warned Wyatt. “But before you put that record on, it’s important to remember you’re on drugs.”
Filed under Culture, Drugs
Just say No
Future meetings of the Harold knitting circle have been cancelled following an outbreak of Hepatitis B among the group. Continue reading
“Trust me. I’m the Home Secretary, I know what I’m doing.”
Deaths from mood-altering-yet-legal substances remain stubbornly stuck down in double figures, according to a new Home Office report.
Home Secretary Theresa May wrote the foreword but denies some of its apparent support for decriminalising drugs, or indeed having read her own department’s report.
“It was a Home Office report on drugs,” carped Mrs May “why would I bother to read it? Continue reading
A butcher in Leeds has released a high perfomance blood sausage to celebrate the Tour de France coming to Yorkshire.
On the outside, the pud looks like any other in his shop, but it contains around 15% more blood.
“Using a technique I developed after reading Lance Armstrong’s book, I extracted a good sized cupful of blood from each of these beauties”, explained Derek Arkwright.
“This I stored in a secret fridge away from council inspectors, while the puddings recuperated behind the sneeze guard. To see them nestling there, next to the strips of decorative fake grass…you’d never know they were destined for greatness.”