Category Archives: charity

Man raises thousands as workmates sponsor him to listen to other workmates’ marathon stories

London MarathonAn astonishing display of self-sacrifice saw a BT worker raise £79,000 for charity after being sponsored to listen to other workmates’ London marathon stories.

Dunstable engineer Stephen Guy said he conceived the audacious plan a year ago after observing fellow workmates losing the will to live as they listened to runners they sponsored recount their marathon at a pace considerably slower than real time. One workmate’s comment ‘I sponsored him 10 quid to run the race but I’d gladly pay 100 quid if he stopped talking about it’ particularly struck a chord.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Man raises thousands as workmates sponsor him to listen to other workmates’ marathon stories

Filed under charity, Sport

We have enough jars of Dolmio now, thank you, say food banks

Before you dump, think it through.

Before you dump, think it through.

Food banks up and down the country now have enough jars of Dolmio pasta sauce to sink an Italian battleship, thanks to the caring generosity of well-meaning do-gooders.

“As soon as I found out just how much sugar and salt they add to the pink sludge, I emptied my cupboards and started pouring the stuff down the sink,” said housewife Daphne Newton.

“Then my teenage daughter pointed out that the amount of precious clean water and costly sink cleaner I was using far outweighed the benefits of recycling the empty jars and demanded I deliver the remaining two dozen jars to the food bank instead.”

“Well, I couldn’t believe my ears when the woman at the food bank said they already had enough of that particular item, thank you.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on We have enough jars of Dolmio now, thank you, say food banks

Filed under Around Harold, charity, Food, Health, Lifestyle, News, Shopping, spam

Charities ‘last chance’ to be bastards

charityoxfammers

Chuggers are the least of your worries, the thin end of your wedge

An influential committee of MPs has warned charities they’ve a ‘last chance’ to rip-off vulnerable givers, before a new regulator starts work.

“Opportunities for such outrageous, systematic, and heartless abuse will soon disappear” said PACAC chairman Bernard Jenkin “So my advice is to steam in now, while you still can.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Charities ‘last chance’ to be bastards

Filed under charity, News, Politics

Children unite for ‘Wogan in Need’ campaign

wogan_in_need

A sad, broken figure.

Children everywhere have got together for a grand event on Friday to raise awareness of Terry Wogan, following the well-beloved national treasure’s recent back problems, which meant him being forced to pull out of something.

“Many people today don’t realise the plight of the Wogan today,” explained a child this morning. “That’s why we’re giving our time, to get up there, do a bit of good, give something back, you know?”

“Also, it’s great exposure. We’ve got a book coming out, and sales should go through the roof. To be honest, I couldn’t give a toss about the old git. Er, I mean keep dialling, listeners!”

Comments Off on Children unite for ‘Wogan in Need’ campaign

Filed under charity, Children

Misanthropists brace themselves for Children in Need

rsz__56699586_pudsey_bbc

Yay! A day of rigidly organised fun!

Workers all over Harold are getting ready to clench their teeth and nod as their colleagues ‘do the wacky’, by wearing a onesie and maybe having a cupcake sale, for Children in Need.

“It’s a very difficult time,” said advertising executive, Meya Begum. “I resent being made to feel like a pariah for not wanting to look like a total tit for the day. I hate Children in Need. And I also hate children in need. They just…dress so badly.” Continue reading

Comments Off on Misanthropists brace themselves for Children in Need

Filed under charity

Minutes’ silence at Festival of Remembrance is welcome relief after Pixie Lott and Rod Stewart’s singing

Pensioner Rod invokes the horror of war

Pensioner Rod invokes the horror of war

There was a collective sigh of relief at this evening’s annual Festival of Remembrance when the traditional two minute’s silence finally commenced after the onslaught of the ‘popular’ songsters introduced to bring the 1914-18 Great War bang up to date.

It’s not often that the start of the solemn moment is met with a cheer from the audience at the Royal Albert Hall however the pain and suffering inflicted by the bombardment of howitzers from Pixie Lott and Rod Stewart took many onlookers back poignantly to the horrors of trench warfare and the cease fire brought about by the silence was greeted with much the same delight as the signing of the Armistice all those years ago. Continue reading

Comments Off on Minutes’ silence at Festival of Remembrance is welcome relief after Pixie Lott and Rod Stewart’s singing

Filed under charity, Entertainment, News

Food bank donor demands right to veto recipients

The olives of wrath.

Donors to a Harold food bank can now meet the recipients, and snatch things back if they don’t look grateful enough.

Fearing her tubs of anchovy-stuffed olives might end up in the hands of ‘awful families with no manners’, Pippa Delaney won the right to pour scorn on poor people after taking the matter to the European Court of Human Rights.

“I’m not expecting a family that has fallen on hard times to grovel”, said Delaney, “but is it asking too much for a single tear of gratitude?” Mrs Delaney is asking the charity to draw up guidelines for beneficiaries, so they can show their appreciation more effectively. Continue reading

Comments Off on Food bank donor demands right to veto recipients

Filed under Around Harold, charity, Food, News

Relief as migrants start heading south for the winter.

6e7e4716cfb3d87de158cee6648233de

Who do you think you’re kidding?

European leaders have expressed their relief as hundreds of thousands of foreign migrants began the long trip south to their winter asylum seeking quarters. Continue reading

Comments Off on Relief as migrants start heading south for the winter.

Filed under Badgers, charity, Civil rights, Europe, News, Save The Children, Society, Travel, War, Weather

Relapse-spike at Anna Freud Centre after seeing radiant Duchess (and her amazing hair)

kate

Left Twix or Righ Twix?

A relaxed and tanned Duchess of Cambridge has made her first solo official visit since the birth of Princess Charlotte in May.

Sporting a smart new fringe, the Duchess, 33, visited the Anna Freud Centre to learn how the charity is working to help young people with mental health issues.

“It really gave me something to think about, seeing someone so effortlessly beautiful Continue reading

Comments Off on Relapse-spike at Anna Freud Centre after seeing radiant Duchess (and her amazing hair)

Filed under charity, News, Royals

Cilla’s teeth to be made into Liverpool Stonehenge replica.

copy-of-dsc03789In a lasting memorial to the late Cilla Black, the mayor of Liverpool, Joe Anderson has announced that her monumental gnashers are to be made into a full sized replica of Stonehenge. Continue reading

Comments Off on Cilla’s teeth to be made into Liverpool Stonehenge replica.

Filed under Badgers, charity, Culture, Entertainment, Lifestyle, Liverpool, Media, Showbusiness, Society, Tourism

Prince Harry to offer hand-relief to the homeless

harry shuffle

Prince Harry demonstrates ‘the royal wave’.

Prince Harry has revealed he will be offering hand relief to the homeless, as he quests to fill a hole left by his exit from the army.

‘Happy Ending’ is a charity that’s particularly close to his heart, and was started by his mother when she first met Will Carling.

“For some vagrants, the thought of a warm hand on their ‘little tramp’ is too much to hope for”, explained Harry. “Particularly in the winter, or with fingerless gloves.”

Harry admitted that he isn’t the most academic member of the royal family, but insisted he was still capable of joylessly bringing relief to ‘literally five or six’ hobos a day.

“I’m in a privileged position, I have plenty of masturbatiers ‘on hand’ day or night”, revealed Harry. “But rough sleepers don’t even have a simple butler to fall back on.”
Continue reading

Comments Off on Prince Harry to offer hand-relief to the homeless

Filed under charity, Royals

Cruel nation reduced to laughing at old woman falling over

madonna

Venue has agreed to install a ramp

The UK has become a brutally sadistic society in which the height of entertainment is the desperate sight of an elderly lady falling over, it was revealed last night.

Millions of British citizens who would have claimed to be kind-hearted were openly mocking the misfortune of someone old enough to be their grandmother who did nothing more than stumble in unfamiliar surroundings.

Madonna, 94, a veteran of two world wars and the sole remaining person alive to have met Napoleon, had a fall at a youngsters’ ball last night, surrounded by a group of dancing people who seemed happy to pretend nothing had happened.

“It is sad, very sad,” despaired Albert Renfrew, Professor of Sociology at the University of Harold. “In a country where we ostensibly care for our old people, we are happy to laugh at Madonna falling on her arse like a sack of hammers.”

“If people in their nineties can’t strip down to their underwear, pretend to be culturally relevant and marry teenagers, then I don’t know what we’re coming to. Mind you, it was fucking hilarious, wasn’t it?”

A spokesperson from the charity Age Concern pointed out that cuts to the Winter Fuel Allowance were probably the reason that Madonna had taken to wearing a cape in the first place, and called on concerned citizens to send her their old blankets.

Comments Off on Cruel nation reduced to laughing at old woman falling over

Filed under charity, Nostalgia, Showbusiness

Poverty to be limited to the poor, pledges Osborne.

Mwahaha, Mwahahahahaha. Ahahaha.

Mwahaha, Mwahahahahaha. Ahahaha.

George Osborne has pledged to eradicate all money problems for poor people after the next election by doing away with all money for poor people. Continue reading

Comments Off on Poverty to be limited to the poor, pledges Osborne.

Filed under Badgers, breaking news, charity, Election 2015, Election 2015, Health, Housing, Lifestyle, Medicine, Politics, Society, Troubled Families, Uncategorized

“Amazing!” says Probation Inspector when he learned his wife had won probation contracts

amazed

Hoping for another job working with offenders. Maybe with Sodexo

“I was reading Private Eye recently and discovered that my wife was a Director of Sodexo”, said Paul McDowell the chief inspector of probation.

“I was particularly shocked when I read that Sodexo had partnered with NACRO, a charity I used to run. And if you think that was a co-incidence, that same partnership then won a whole sheaf of probation contracts! What were the chances?”

Continue reading

Comments Off on “Amazing!” says Probation Inspector when he learned his wife had won probation contracts

Filed under Business, charity, Crime, Law and Order

Prince William set to open his house for homeless heroes at Christmas

Veteran John Horse samples the Royal lager collection.

Veteran John Horse samples the Royal lager collection.

Homeless charities have welcomed the news that the Duke of Cambridge is to provide shelter for servicemen and women who have fallen on hard times after serving their country in the armed forces.

Speaking yesterday in support of a newspaper appeal, Prince William, who himself served in the front line plucking stranded adventurers off the treacherous cliffs of Wales in his  helicopter, Budgie, said:

“I am so concerned about the number of heroes who have struggled to adapt to civilian life and wound up sleeping rough in our cities, that for once instead of just lecturing you, I’m actually going to do something myself and open the doors of my vast London home at Christmas to these wretched people. I’m going to feed them, clothe them and offer them trained support to help them get their lives back on track.” Continue reading

Comments Off on Prince William set to open his house for homeless heroes at Christmas

Filed under charity, Christmas, News, Royals

Geldof concerned after thirty years Africa still doesn’t know it’s Christmas time

IMG_0495.JPG Bob Geldof has announced that there is to be a fourth incarnation of Band Aid to highlight the 30th anniversary of Africans not knowing it’s Christmas.

“You would have thought they’d have got the message by now,” Geldof said, “but after millions of pounds, four songs, countless concerts and 30 years of Celebrities desperately trying to raise their profile, they still spend the 25th December walking 8 miles to get water instead of watching the Queen’s Christmas message.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Geldof concerned after thirty years Africa still doesn’t know it’s Christmas time

Filed under charity, Culture

‘Please stop sending us green tokens’, charities tell Waitrose

waitrose-community-matters-token-boxCharities helped by shoppers from the supermarket Waitrose have written to the company to ask them to stop sending donations as they “now have more than enough green plastic tokens to be getting on with.”

The scheme run by the supermarket sees shoppers swap the guilt of paying £15 for a bunch of six organic, corn-fed bananas, ripened in the armpits of a small foreign child, for the chance to donate green tokens to the charity of their choice as part of their ‘community matters’ initiative. Continue reading

Comments Off on ‘Please stop sending us green tokens’, charities tell Waitrose

Filed under charity

Woman blames government for not noticing her neighbour died years ago

milkbottles

Neighbour also left a lot of clutter laying about.

A woman in Harold has slammed the government for creating the sort of uncaring society where a neighbour could lay dead for several years without being noticed.

Doris Kettle was clearly irritated by the disruption caused by fumigators and a team of police forensic scientists.

“It’s been nothing but trouble living here. Shortly after we arrived there was a weird bumping and clattering sound; then our Fred said he kept hearing a moaning, ghostly voice saying “I’ve had a fall and broken my leg, whoooohooo please call an ambulance …whooohooo.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Woman blames government for not noticing her neighbour died years ago

Filed under Around Harold, charity, Society

Charity shop full of unwanted England flags mistaken for BNP headquarters

charity shop

Some shop visitors find a flag in their size.

With England as good as out of the World Cup, a charity shop in Harold has been mistaken for a BNP outlet after receiving hundreds of old, unwanted England flags.

Doris Kettle works in the store for a few hours a week, and has been staggered by the response.

“Normally we find it hard to find volunteers, but since Friday morning we’ve been inundated with fat, tattooed, shaven headed men asking if they can sign up to ‘help the cause'”, revealed Kettle.

“Now that we have 15 on every shift I’m a bit scared to tell them the money goes to poor Africans.”

Continue reading

3 Comments

Filed under Around Harold, Business, charity, Sport

Outrage as ‘inhumane’ tax demands installed outside affordable housing to deter bankers

anti-banker-spikes

Very uncomfortable

Following the news that ‘anti-homeless spikes’ are being installed outside posh apartments to prevent homeless people from sleeping in the doorways, further outrage has been provoked by the decision to place strategic arrangements of tax bills outside affordable housing to deter investment bankers.

The bills, for income and corporation tax, are embedded in the floor outside a block of flats in an area of East London. The bankers are naturally attracted to cheap housing to knock down and turn into luxury apartments, but the tax demands make the environment very uncomfortable, causing them to move on.

One resident, who wished to remain anonymous, told the Evening Harold: “There was a banker prowling looking for investment opportunities there about six weeks ago. Then all of a sudden these tax demands were put up outside.” Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under charity, Social media