Man, who only ever gives to Lotto, ‘won’t give to Oxfam now.’

Sorting it out themselves could have been like a team-building day

A man who rarely puts his hand is his pocket, even if it’s his round, has vowed that after their prostitute scandal, he’ll not give to Oxfam.

“I never have done, funnily enough, which I feel justified about now, but I might have done.” said Alec Fairchild “So perhaps they should think through what this scandal has cost them.”

“I’ll stick to Lotto.” said Fairchild, a pub bore from Harold. “You know where your money’s going with Lotto. Not just Directors’ bonuses. Lots of good causes which government won’t pay for because people like me don’t want to pay taxes to fund no end of things such as cancer research and children’s hospices.”

Fairchild doesn’t favour any UK cash going abroad. He says if the people in Haiti had been left to sort it out themselves, it could have been character-building for them. “Like one of those team-building days but without the meals. Or the toilets. Or the flip charts.”

He explained that charity begins at home. “If those Oxfam blokes were so desperate for a shag why not take a punt on a UK working girl? Those twins Tina and Mavis in Dunstable for a start. They’re always short of cash and even give three-way discounts. That’s what I’ve heard, anyway.”