Category Archives: 29/9 attrocities

Rachel Riley takes career break due to Irritable Vowel Syndrome

Raechael in happier times

Raechael in happier times

Channel 4’s resident Countdown numbers genius and letters beauty has today announced a break from TV due to crippling Irritable Vowel Syndrome.

The syndrome is suffered silently by thousands and has taken its toll on the popular maths expert with doctors blaming the exposure suffered on the afternoon show.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Entertainment

Lab analysis of local kebab shop chili sauce finds ‘zero semen’ shock

Mystery solved

Mystery solved

Scientists at Dunstable Metropolitan University were stunned by results of a DNA analysis of the chili sauce at local Harold kebab shop I Shish You Not!, when data showed that no human semen was present, a new report revealed today.

“We had always assumed that the employees were rubbing themselves off like a troop of monkeys back there,” commented Dr Pauline Copland, lead food scientist at Dunstable Met where the study was performed.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Around Harold, Business, DNA, Food, Health, News, science, spam

Public now nostalgic for when the news, social media was all celebrity deaths

Public would now accept the death of three national treasures to escape referendum debate on Facebook

Public would now accept the death of three national treasures to escape referendum debate on Facebook

The dreadful sequence of deaths of much-loved musicians, comedians and actors that saw in the year now looks like a golden age of feel-good news against the nightly horror show the public suffer now, says everyone.

As sad as it was to lose Bowie, Rickman, Wogan and Wood, there was a sense of gladness for having known them and their work which is completely absent from the current onslaught of unadulterated misery.

And as a bewildering bonfire of hatred and rage threatens to engulf their Facebook timelines, people are longing for a return to the simple times when all they had to do was tweet about how sad they are that a singer has died.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, breaking news, Entertainment, EU referendum, Europe, Facebook, Law and Order, News, Nostalgia, Obituary, Showbusiness, Social media, Society, USA

Artisan Misspelling Boutique “Holm of Homophones” opens in Harold

Holm of homophonesLocal entrepreneur and hipster converts Oofy and Lysander Eastof  have launched a new business venture, aimed at villagers in Harold who feel the need to break away from the “oppressive rules” of the English language.

“Holm of Homophones” is a one stop boutique for homophones, which can be liberally sprinkled through conversation without anyone but the user knowing.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Around Harold

Part-Kenyan Obama’s ancestral hatred of Britain ‘tip of the iceberg’ says new report

Is this some kind of bust?

Is this some kind of bust?

Obama’s removal of the Churchill bust from the Oval Office confirmed, as Boris Johnson pointed out in his article for The Sun newspaper, that he carries the anti-Brit gene inherited from his Kenyan side, but a new report suggests that this is just the latest in a long line of US Presidents unable to think or act rationally due to dodgy DNA.

The damning report slammed several post-war US presidents, and if speculations are to be believed, what they could have done to the Churchill statue behind closed doors makes what Obama did look pale by comparison.

Dwight Eisenhower – or to give his surname its proper spelling ‘Eisenhauer’ – was of course part German, a country with whom Britain has seldom been allies. Therefore, the report claims, he almost definitely carried the anti-UK mutation, even if he was not aware of it. Despite their good relationship in real life, some suggest that in private, Eisenhower could have made fun of our nation’s greatest leader by making the statue eat sauerkraut or sausages with mustard on.

Fast forward to the sixties and we find part-Irish John F. Kennedy in the Whitehouse. The report points out that the Irish ancestral hatred of Britain is second-to-none, and it is thought that while praising Churchill in public, it is most likely Kennedy allowed his many mistresses to give him oral sex in full view of Britain’s war-time PM’s disapproving statue eyes.

Another part-Irish chief executive, Bill Clinton, is likely to have done even worse, maybe full sex, or anal, and Clinton’s now-infamous ‘cigar incident’ could well have been a direct mocking reference to Churchill’s fondness for smoking them in his tight-lipped yet moist, yielding mouth.

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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, EU referendum, Europe, News, Politics, Sex, War

Shoplifting ban should be suspended, rules court of appeal, as ‘everyone knows how to get past security bloke’

Now nick & collect, rule judges

Now nick & collect, rule judges

A court order banning the theft of goods from Tesco Express in Harold has been lifted. Court of Appeal judges accepted local thief Mark Kettle’s bid to lift the ban, and said the overt pilfering of items from the shop could start, pending a possible appeal from the manager.

The judges said the practice of nicking jars of coffee and packets of Haribo from Tesco Express had now been widely established and it was no longer in the public interest to maintain the ban.

They gave the shop time to apply to take the case to Dunstable Supreme Court. In the ruling, they said there must be no theft leading to getting caught before 13:00 BST on Wednesday. The shop has until 10:00 BST today to submit arguments to the Supreme Court.
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by | April 19, 2016 · 9:17 am

Staff, classmates, swear oath never to share secret of long division with Disneyland absentees

Term time Disney - as empty as her education.

Term time Disney – as empty as her education.

Children returning to school after term-time trips abroad could face a wall of silence around work they have missed while taking advantage of cheaper fares.

That’s the recommendation of teachers who see fines as ineffective against low- and middle-income parents who believe they have a right to go on discounted vacations in June that they couldn’t have afforded at summer market prices.

“Parents may think their children can catch up, or get the worksheets they missed – but if these measures are introduced, they will not even be informed what topics were covered while they were away. They won’t even know there is a 7-times table,” warned Carly Jeffery, assistant teacher at St. Mary’s primary school. Continue reading

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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Children, Education, Holidays, Law and Order, News, Politics, Tourism, Travel

Blair claims Corbyn could destroy Labour in 45 minutes

"Would these hands lie to you?"

“Would these hands lie to you?”

Tony Blair warns that leadership contender Jeremy Corbyn has a huge arsenal of principles of mass destruction, and these could quickly be deployed to reduce the Labour Party to an organisation that listens to its members.

“People don’t realise how dangerous principles are in the wrong hands” explained foreign dictator consultant Blair. “Jeremy Corbyn could use them to make Labour unrecognisable inside an hour of becoming leader.”
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Politics

Human Rights Act should give precedence to right to have your head attached to rest of your body

Caution: may contain traces of rant

Caution: may contain traces of rant

The Evening Harold has a long history of tolerance and inclusivity. 200 years ago we made a stand against slavery by giving our office slaves their freedom and replacing them with mandrills. More recently, we reported on how the whole village had adopted the Niqab and declared it to be lovely. We looked at whether moderate cat ladies should condemn extremist cat ladies, and we made fun of Britain First because, as far as we can see, that is the point of Britain First.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Around Harold, Law and Order

“That’s enough experiments to show kids how fast a photo can go round the Internet, now,” says Internet.

Teachers now resorting to extreme methods to show kids how dangerous internet is

Teachers now resorting to extreme methods to show kids how dangerous internet is

The Internet’s patience wore dangerously thin last night as yet another picture of an American 9th grade teacher holding up a sign was wearily shared on social media.

The exercise, supposed to warn teens of the potential risks of posting information and images online, has quickly become a tedious cliché and the Internet warned yesterday that we are close to the snapping point of its benevolence towards well-meaning junior high school teachers.

“OK, the first couple of times it was a fresh way to engage kids, and we all wanted to help them out – I’m sure the share and like numbers were very impressive,” commented a visibly annoyed Internet, “but I swear to god if I see one more of these bullshit copy-cat requests, I’m going to write a bunch of sarcastic comments or do a parody meme with cats. I haven’t thought it through yet, but it will be pithy and cynical,” the Internet added.

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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Culture, Education, Sex, spam, Technology

Emergency evacuations begin in New York as Cliff Richard/Morrissey gig announced

severe-morrissey

End of days…

New York emergency services have warned that the city faces the ‘greatest human disaster in living memory’ after singer Morrissey announced plans to play a gig supported by aged crooner Cliff Richard.

“We’ve faced financial catastrophe and extreme climate,” warned New York City Police Commissioner William Bratton. “But I don’t think this city has ever faced a looming depression of the magnitude of a Cliff/Morrissey event.”

Panicking locals are asking why this once-in-a-lifetime disaster had to happen in their city, but experts are unable to agree on a cause, beyond terrible bad luck, and Northern whimsy.
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Diana death probe: Elvis emerges as prime suspect

Elvis after eating the evidence

Elvis after eating the evidence

Sensational evidence has emerged that Elvis Presley was responsible for the death of Princess Diana, and that his paymasters were big pharmaceutical companies eager to silence Diana’s views on conventional medicine.

In what will be seen as an embarrassment to the original investigating officers, it appears that obvious clues were missed such as a 70s jumpsuit, a tub of brylcreem, and 15 jars of peanut butter. A re-examination of CCTV evidence showed that a street sweeper known only as “Sivle” smeared a brylcreem and peanut butter concoction at the entrance of the tunnel causing Diana’s vehicle to slide uncontrollably and then crash.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, International News, Royals

Terence Stamp returns for Bank Holiday Hide-and-Seek

Coming. Ready or not.

Coming. Ready or not.

Harold Village Council are pleased to welcome back Terence Stamp as the celebrity hider in the annual Bank Holiday hide-and-seek game, marking the fifth time that the star of Superman II has graced the bushes, alleys and gaps under cars of Harold.

This year, Stamp, who played General Zod in the first two ‘Man of Steel’ franchise films, has agreed to donate his three-figure appearance fee to the village hall fund supporting victims of the stomach-churning events of 29/9.

“When I heard that the phone booth where I hid for part of the 2010 hide-and-seek game had been destroyed in the 29/9 attrocities, I knew that this year I had to do something special.”

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