Ronaldo gives instructions to his accountants
After announcing that Jose Mourinho and Cristiano Ronaldo are being investigated for tax fraud, embarrassed Spanish officials have admitted that nobody in the country has actually paid any tax since 2010.
“We thought that we were a bit light on cash lately and when we dug into it we discovered that is because we haven’t collected any taxes at all in seven years, so we are now setting about rectifying this.” said a prosecutor, who reckons he hasn’t paid any tax himself since at least 2008 now he comes to think about it.
“It is an easy mistake to make. For example Continue reading
It comes just after “f*ck”
Oxford Dictionaries have declared ‘fucknugget’ as its 2016 international word of the year, reflecting what it called a year of “unbelievable levels of fucknuggetry”.
The word is described as an adjective relating to people unable to comprehend even the most basic of obvious consequences, despite regular warnings being explained very slowly to them, or written in large letters, in crayon.
Have you seen these people? They may no longer be wearing the wigs. And definitely won’t be smiling.
Metropolitan Police have issued a public appeal for information as they search for thousands of Manchester United fans who appear to have gone missing since Sunday afternoon.
The appeal comes after vast numbers of fans described as “generally sociable and outspoken” abruptly stopped replying to any form of contact from around 4.01pm yesterday. Continue reading
Remember they’re more scared of you than you are of them. Just trap them using a glass and a piece of cardboard and release them in the garden
A man dressed as a “killer clown” has been arrested by police after a brief chase that ended when his getaway car fell to pieces.
Officers were called to reports of the man terrorising children in Luton and gave chase, initially on foot, before the “clown” climbed into a small car, sounded a novelty horn, and sped away.
“We were going to get back in our car and continue the pursuit but heard a loud bang come from the getaway car.” Continue reading
Ahh, hydration for elite level athletes
Following the appointment of Sam Allardyce as England manager both Pukka Pies and Bisto have swiftly agreed sponsorship deals with the FA.
Leicestershire based Pukka Pies will give free pies to the England squad as part of the deal, on the condition that Allardyce is regularly seen on the touchline with a pie in his hand. This is not expected to be a stumbling block, with chicken and mushroom scheduled for the first half of matches, followed by steak and kidney for the second. Continue reading
See *that* exit? I’m going through it asap
David Cameron has told Britain that somebody else can deal with all of the shit that will come from leaving the EU, because he is not having it.
“Every economic forecaster said what would happen in the event of a vote to Leave, but you chose to believe Nigel Farage instead.” said Cameron, already packing his Margaret Thatcher memorabilia into a cardboard box.
“Falling stocks, a nosedive for the pound, early warnings of job losses from business, but that’s ok apparently, because you were made vague promises about immigration and the NHS. Well you can deal with it your fucking selves.”
Dating Taylor Swift? We’re not really sure
There is some kind of celebrity relationship bullshit happening, involving Taylor Swift and a man, or possibly two men, who are also celebrities, and apparently this is headline news.
Swift, who sells music, tweets about stuff and sues people, has recently broken up with one of the men and is now dating the other one, who does not play football for Hull City despite having a very similar name to somebody who does. Continue reading
I’d eat them with some fava beans
If Britain votes to leave the EU George Osborne will have no option but to eat your children in order to survive, the Chancellor has claimed in a statement today.
This drastic move would occur in tandem with massive tax rises and savage cuts to public services.
“Brexit would hit the economy so hard that I would have no option but to immediately increase the basic rate of income tax to one hundred percent, put VAT up to a million percent and cut public services to the point that your bins are only collected once every fifteen years.” Continue reading
“That is an unfortunate political decision.”
Any drug that has a psychoactive effect and dangerously low tax levels will be illegal to make or sell in the UK as of today.
The move comes soon after a shop selling so-called ‘legal highs’ in Rotherham was closed down by police investigating accusations that the only tax revenue being raised was from VAT. Continue reading
I’m on THIS side, I couldn’t be clearer
“That’s exactly what Donald Trump meant, that thing you just said. He agrees with you.” explained a Trump spokesman today, following controversial remarks the presidential hopeful made yesterday.
Meanwhile, Mr Trump was already addressing a fresh crowd of morons “I’m on your side, but nobody else is saying it! I’ve always been saying it. Maybe they’re too scared to say it. I’m not scared of that Washington crowd. I’ll say it as much as I like, because you know what? It’s the truth”.
“Whose side am I on?” he asked, cupping his ears to the crowd “Yeah, you bet, YOUR side.”I’m on your side all the way Continue reading
These graphs mean we know what we’re talking about
We don’t have the technical capability for fancy graphics and menus and stuff like that, so in order to explain what the new budget means for you we can’t have you clicking through options.
But we have found another way to achieve the same end result.
Think whether you are married, have children, own a business, all of those type of things that ‘proper’ news sources like the BBC would ask you. Get a really clear idea in your head of your particular circumstances, then read the below statement that will miraculously confirm exactly what the budget means for you. Continue reading
He’s not joking
Rap star Kanye West actually believes the things he says and is not on a massive wind up, according to sources close to the bell-end.
The part-time Hip Hop artist, part-time fashion designer, full-time egotist has been lamenting the fact that he simply does not have enough money to change the world in all the ways that he could, and apparently he’s serious. Continue reading
Tensions in the Middle East have risen further today after it emerged that Iran has blocked Saudi Arabia on Facebook.
The move is the latest, and most serious, in the current diplomatic row between the two nations and follows Saudi Arabia cutting diplomatic ties with Iran after protesters ransacked the Saudi embassy in Tehran, after Saudi Arabia executed a senior Shia Muslim cleric. Continue reading
“WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!”
Following John Lewis and Sainsbury’s, Bargain Booze have become the latest retailer to unveil their Christmas TV advert.
The UK off licence chain have worked tirelessly on the ad, which aired for the first time at 9.15 last night on Challenge, during the first break in a repeat of a 2011 episode of Pointless. Continue reading
A single crate of sun cream can protect a ginger Glaswegian for up to 45 minutes
The RAF have carried out aid drops of high-factor sun cream to ensure ginger tourists in Sharm el-Sheikh are protected from the sun until they can be brought home.
Urgent action was taken after Nicola Sturgeon highlighted that there were at least 700 Scots, many of who will be pale and ginger, among the Brits stranded in the region. Continue reading
Stuck here. Gutted.
The estimated 20,000 Brits who are stranded in Sharm el-Sheikh are doing their best to sound like they are not happy about the situation.
When interviewed for news reports tourists are muttering about ‘poor information’ and ‘not really knowing what’s going on’ while edging away, keen to get back to the bar of their all-inclusive resort before a queue forms. Continue reading
You disgust me
New surveillance laws will see Theresa May turn up at your house, tut and shake her head disapprovingly if you have been looking at porn online.
The Home Secretary has unveiled the latest plans in the Commons today after initial proposals for her to follow you to work yelling “Pervert!” at the top of her voice were blocked by the Lib Dems. Continue reading
BOOOOOOM!! Have some of that!
Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, emphasised his credentials to lead the country today by bravely battering a 10 year-old Japanese boy to the ground.
During a visit to Japan Johnson fearlessly agreed to take part in a vicious game known as ‘touch rugby’. During this event he warded off an attempted assault by the child, who may be a member of some sort of street gang, using just his bare hands. Continue reading