Tag Archives: UKIP

by | February 11, 2014 · 2:30 pm

West Country still under hosepipe ban! 5 Amazing Flood Facts

Could we really be back to scenes like this by Easter?

Could we really be back to scenes like this by Easter?

Amazing but true! Here is a round up of the latest flood news: 

Hosepipe Ban Despite floods covering vast swathes of the West Country and now, the Thames Valley, it has emerged that a hosepipe ban is still in force in some areas. In confirming the news, a spokesperson for South West Water from the Isle of Taunton, said “We usually gauge the need for maintaining a ban by checking the reservoirs; however, the reservoirs have mysteriously disappeared so we have to remain cautious, otherwise everyone will be whingeing about a drought by Easter. We don’t know what happened to the reservoirs but we suspect looting.” Continue reading →

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by | January 27, 2014 · 5:15 pm

He was too clever for us: Oxford students defend their braying support for Godfrey Bloom as he insulted disabled student.

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Oxford University at night

Oxford students who attended last night’s Oxford Union debate during which Ukip MEP Godfrey Bloom interrupted a student to ask “are you Richard III or not” in clear reference to that student’s physical disability have today defended their braying reaction in support of Bloom’s comment by saying that he was too clever for them. Continue reading →

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by | January 25, 2014 · 1:25 pm

Farage wants a gun in his pocket so people think he’s pleased to see them

Farage enjoys a ciggie after polishing his gun

Farage enjoys a ciggie after polishing his gun

After UKIP leader Nigel Farage once again called for handguns to be legalised, commentators are becoming convinced that he has a deep-seated desire for people to think he’s pleased to see them.

“Like all leaders, Farage wants to be seen as a strong, virile leader” said political scientist Jacob Heather. “But ‘downstairs’ he just doesn’t stack up. I think Farage thinks a Magnum 44 in his pocket would make all the difference.”
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by | January 24, 2014 · 11:00 am

Ukip: A new manifesto

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We know that this story should have a photo of Nigel Farage but we can’t bear to stare at his gaping maw yet again.

Ukip’s Nigel Farage has announced that the party has abandoned its previous manifesto and won’t be creating a new one until after the European elections. We at the Evening Harold are saddened to think of Ukip as being ruddy-faced and yet rudderless so we’ve put together a new manifesto for them.

Their previous one was 486 pages long however we’re confident we’ve got Ukip covered in just twelve simple points. Continue reading →

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by | January 20, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Moyes blames ‘gay marriage’ for Man United slump

Rooney getting married mid-pitch probably didn't help

Rooney getting married mid-pitch probably didn’t help

Manchester United ex-manager elect David Moyes says that Man United’s slump is nothing to do with him, but is almost certainly God’s retribution for either the legalisation of gay marriage, giving women the vote, or possibly Wayne Rooney’s haircut.

Moyes pointed to God’s reputation for ‘working in mysterious ways’, and said that God needed to find other ways of show His displeasure given that the traditional ‘lots of rain and floods’ is now just considered normal weather in the UK.
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by | January 19, 2014 · 8:00 am

God blames Ukip for flood of stupidity

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God: sometimes He must really regret that promise to Noah.

God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth, has blamed the heavy floods of stupidity that have recently battered Britain on Ukip.

In an exclusive interview with the Evening Harold God said that Ukip members, like David Silvester the Henley-on-Thames councillor who claimed that the recent bad weather has been caused by gay marriage, are making the country thicker by acting “arrogantly against common sense.” Continue reading →

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by | January 14, 2014 · 7:00 am

Tories call for UK to ‘reposition away from Europe’

yerp

Plan will also make The North more prosperous.

Nearly 100 Tory  MPs have written to David Cameron asking for the UK to be repositioned in relation to Europe. Provisional thinking is for the UK as a whole to be moved 100 – 150  miles North-West into the Atlantic.

“The exact distance is subject to trial and error of course ” said Senior Tory Bernard Jenkin, who drafted the letter,”much the same as our financial plans for when we leave the EU. So, let’s say … far enough that we can’t smell the garlic, close enough they can hear xenophobic hectoring with a loud-hailer. Perhaps about 100 miles as a starting point. As a bonus we can use what’s left of the Tunnel to drain all our excess rainwater over to France. It’s probably their fault that it’s been so wet recently anyway.” Continue reading →

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by | December 30, 2013 · 7:00 am

Let the right ones in: Xenophobes panic as leader makes compassionate statement about foreigners

nigel-farage-hitler

Charlie Chaplin was great, wasn’t he?

There was panic amongst Ukip supporters yesterday when party leader Nigel Farage called for Britain to allow entry to refugees fleeing the civil war in Syria. This is a massive deviation from their official foreign policy which is to build a huge wall around Great Britain and Northern Ireland and to only allow foreigners over it if they are very, very good at football, cooking or prostitution.

“Farage says he wants to let people in but we’re full!” frothed Ukip member Tom Simmonds about a place where only 6% of land is classified as urban and less than 3% is built on according to the UK National Ecosystem Assessment. “All the Syrians will come over here and claim benefits then sit on their arses all day while taking jobs from ordinary Britons plus they’ll live rough on our streets while being given houses the minute they arrive in preference over Anglo-Saxons whom the government make wait on housing lists for at least ten years.” Continue reading →

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by | December 19, 2013 · 1:00 pm

Police warn public ‘not to approach’ escaped animatronic penis

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Police in Harold have warned the public to be on the look out for an escaped six foot animatronic penis. The man-sized phallus is not thought to be dangerous but does have a tendency to spout some unsavoury stuff from its head.

The penis was constructed by Harold Technologies Ltd and designed to help artificially inseminate elephants as part of a nature conservation project however there appears to be a fault in the programming.

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by | September 22, 2013 · 10:00 am

Trollitician: Ukip’s Godfrey Bloom reveals ‘I’m a socialist spy’

Bloom before going deep cover as a ruddy-faced bigot

Bloom before going deep cover as a ruddy-faced bigot

Evening Harold exclusive interview:

Godfrey Bloom splashes in puddles. As we walk to Harold café Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! for a brunch of vegan bacon and eggs washed down with foamy glasses of milkless milk, the now ex-senior Ukip politician cannot conceal his delight at being free of the boorish identity he had to assume to fulfil that role and so splashes his Birkenstocks happily in the puddles on the High Street, his kaftan flapping in the breeze.

“It was hell,” Bloom says of his former life once we’re settled in a cosy booth and he’s removed his crochet beanie lamenting over the amount of time it’s going to take for his hair to grow long again, “but worth it. My mission was to penetrate Ukip and troll it by hogging the headlines and when on Friday Nigel Farage said ‘increasingly, over past months his statements have left us in a position where, frankly, what we stand for and what we campaign for are irrelevant,’ my work was done.”

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by | September 20, 2013 · 5:12 pm

Right wing, sexist, homophobic, anti-immigration, bigoted Ukip MEP ‘against racism’.

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Right wing, sexist, homophobic, anti-immigration, bigoted Ukip MEP, Godfrey Bloom, has said he is ‘against racism’ in a confrontation with a journalist who asked why there were no black people on the party conference programme; a question that was met with a slap round the head.

This startling revelation came within minutes of the part-time MEP, part-time Victor Meldrew look-a-like calling a room full of women ‘sluts’.

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by | August 8, 2013 · 11:00 am

Closure fears for precinct’s ‘Bongo Bongo Land’

bongbongo

Um bongo um bongo, they play them outside Tesco.

Harold’s leading ethnic percussionist has claimed his shop may not survive, following a withering attack by local politician Ron Ronsson.

Bongo Bongo Land has been selling slightly shoddy hand drums since 1993, when they took over the units previously occupied by failed Dawn’s Zulu Xylophones and the adjoining African airline agent, Fly Tse Tse.

With locals keen to add an international flavour to their conservatories and hallways, George Evans’ deer-hided instruments were once the perfect accompaniment to Indonesian face masks, native American dream catchers and ‘Welsh Drums’ made from a bin lid and half a brick.
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by | August 7, 2013 · 7:00 am

Experts baffled by hotel balcony death falls

The Dizzy Heights Hotel

The Dizzy Heights Hotel

Overseas tourist officials they are baffled by Benidorm Bungee, a syndrome which has caused an increasing number of young holidaymakers to plunge to their death from hotel balconies for no apparent reason.

The syndrome, named after the resort where it first occurred, only seems to affect British tourists, striking them down in the early hours of the morning without warning. Most of its victims are young with no previous balance or health issues.

Stacey Briggs, 21, lost Darren, her boyfriend of two days, to an attack of Benidorm Bungee whilst on holiday in Magaluf in June. “We’d just got back to my hotel room after ending up at that El Tequila Slammer Bar. As I was chucking up, Darren said he would get some air on the balcony and, then, he was gone. It was all so sudden. He didn’t even say goodbye.” Continue reading →

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by | May 10, 2013 · 1:02 pm

NEWS UPDATE: Boris Johnson’s hair defects to UKIP

Ooh, that's tickly, but nice!

Ooh, that’s tickly, but nice!

Please share the news if you like it! Thanks.

After this morning’s shock revelation that Boris Johnson and his hair have separated, journalists from the Evening Harold can now announce the sensational news that the flyaway thatch has defected to UKIP.

UKIP leader Nigel Farage is seen here looking understandably delighted in front of an industrial hair dryer.

More news as we get it…

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by | May 4, 2013 · 11:30 am

New urban horror: you’re never more than three metres away from a UKIP supporter

Warning: one of these creatures can crawl up the u-bend and out of your toilet.

Warning: one of these creatures can crawl up the pipes and emerge from your toilet

A new horror to urban living has emerged following the local election results with scientists calculating that those in built-up areas are never more than three metres from a UKIP supporter.

Residents in Harold’s most populous area, which is lived in almost exclusively by Vikings and locally known as Little Copenhagen,  are terrified.

”I was always worried about being in close proximity to rats,’ said blacksmith Nigel Thorvald. ‘And of course spiders. Did you know in your lifetime you swallow between eight and twenty spiders while you’re sleeping plus at least three a year crawl across your face to drink from your eyeballs?” Continue reading →

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by | April 30, 2013 · 12:30 pm

UKIP clown blames car breakdown on failure to register for election

clown

Koko – the UKIP Candidate

Dave Koko, UKIP’s representative in the village council contest has admitted that a comedy of errors has resulted in his failing to register for this Thursday’s election.

Part time fireman, Koko, 35, who has been a UKIP member for five years, was previously a member of the Monster Raving Loony Party but he was excluded for being too extreme.

Wearing his trademark UKIP outfit complete with red nose and size 19 shoes, Koko blamed his car for his not making the deadline for filing his election papers. ‘My car is always breaking down,’ he sighed. ‘First it stops moving so I get out and open the bonnet. Then water spurts into my face, so I kick the car in retaliation. Then the doors fall off and the tyres go flat. Finally the bumpers crash to the ground and the car gives out a loud fart. It’s getting beyond a joke!’ Continue reading →

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