Tag Archives: Spoof news

by | June 3, 2014 · 7:00 am

Eleven comedians prevented from boarding flight to World Cup

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Obvious imposters

Police have prevented a group of eleven comedians from boarding the England World Cup plane as it left Luton Airport on Sunday.

According to officials, the men were wearing identical suits to the England travelling party, and were masquerading as professional footballers.

It was only after airport staff noticed the squad’s obvious lack of co-ordination and inability to keep possession of their luggage that the alarm was raised.

After being interviewed by police, the men confessed they were merely taking part in a comedy team called “England”, in which they play the roles of fictional sportsmen.

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by | May 27, 2014 · 11:00 am

Massive spider not even slightly scared of you

What are you looking at?

What are you looking at?

The old saying of ‘it’s more afraid of you than you are of it’ is not even remotely true, according to the massive spider that lives in the corner of your bathroom.

In fact, it is so far from the truth that if you would like to test it out then the spider is more than happy to take you outside and kick your head in. And if you don’t stop staring at him he might just do that anyway. Continue reading →

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by | May 18, 2014 · 2:00 pm

World peace brought about by hashtag

CaptureAfter #bringbackourgirls being tweeted millions of times was such a success other world problems are now being solved by hashtags. Over 3 million tweets have been made with the #bringbackourgirls tag since the abduction of 200 schoolgirls in Nigeria, and this has showed Boko Haram that their conduct is not acceptable to a huge number of Facebook and Twitter users. Continue reading →

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by | May 16, 2014 · 7:01 am

Does fruit packed shower gel contribute towards your five-a-day?

shamConsumer Correspondant Miles Anour investigates

Take a look at the photo on your left. Two identical bottles of shower gel. “So what?” I hear you ask.

Look a little closer. The one on the left contains forty (yes 40) limes, but the one on the right contains a pathetic ten lemons.

Have you ever wondered how they get a lime, lemon or any other fruit into a bottle? Now, I have no reason to disbelieve that the claims that there are forty limes in that green liquid, and I’m sure they are all real and zingy, but I’d struggle to squeeze one of the zingers into a bottle let alone forty. Continue reading →

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by | May 11, 2014 · 11:10 am

Super-Rich List fallout: Chelsea to sack Abramovich?

mourinhoabramovic

“Spare change? Sorry mate, no.”

Chelsea fans have called for the sacking of Roman Abramovich, after a string of poor performances in the Sunday Times UK Super-Rich list.

“It’s got harder holding our heads high at the Bridge, since he dropped down the ‘How much?’ rankings,” complained fan Roger Brendan. Continue reading →

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by | May 9, 2014 · 2:30 pm

UKIP landslide expected after Farage pledges to withdraw UK from Eurovision Song contest

Farage expresses his opinion.

Farage expresses his opinion.

In yet another popularist move, UKIP Party leader, Nigel Farage has promised to withdrawn Britian from the Eurovision Song Contest if he is elected to power.

“It’s an embarrassing spectacle,” he said, “and Britain should not be shaming itself by camping it up with the very worse of Europe. Especially when we have no chance of winning.”

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by | · 12:00 pm

Berlusconi begins community service in teenage brothel

berlusconi-hands

After me…

Former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi arrived at a specialist brothel near Milan on Friday to start a year of community service.

He was sentenced to four years in prison for tax fraud last year, but after consideration was given to his age and special requirements, this was commuted to forty hours work a week with barely legal teenage prostitutes.

The brothel says the 77-year-old will be treated “like any other raving pervert”. Continue reading →

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by | May 7, 2014 · 11:00 am

Today is not Tuesday

wednesday

See? Wed-nes-day

Experts have issued a warning to remind the working population that today is not Tuesday, despite yesterday feeling very much like Monday.

“I know you only went back to work yesterday after the weekend, but that doesn’t mean that yesterday was Monday, and therefore doesn’t mean that today is Tuesday.” confirmed Simon Johnson, managing director of a company that makes calendars, “Today is in fact Wednesday. So if there is somewhere you are supposed to be on Wednesday then you might want to get there as soon as possible. Because it’s today.” Continue reading →

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by | May 5, 2014 · 2:00 pm

Knob-tossing competition thrills bank holiday innuendo lovers

mayorknob

Oh, what a beauty.

Scores of local athletes spent their bank holiday taking part in Harold village’s famous tossing competition. The old Harold contest involves participants tossing the locally-grown knob of Mayor Rufus D. Jackson as hard as possible.

The tradition goes back many years, but historians believe it was invented by Mayor Jackson himself, during a dry spell. This year’s winner, Norman Bunting, produced a record-breaking toss, the results easily clearing the cricket pavilion roof.

‘Hard crusted’

Women’s Institute President and toss organsiser Marjorie Houndstooth explained the rules of the competition: “The knob must be tossed underarm with a firm grip, and at least one of Mayor Jackson’s feet must remain on the ground at all times.”

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by | May 4, 2014 · 3:30 pm

Tom Cruise set to play title role in new Elvis Presley biopic

The King hears the news and weeps

The King hears the news and weeps

Following fevered speculation, it has been announced that Tom Cruise, the half pint sized, Hollywood legend has signed to play the part of Elvis Presley when filming of the new biopic ‘Suspicious Minds’ starts in the autumn.

News of his casting is certain to cause a backlash of indignation amongst fans of ‘The King’ but it is believed producers were swayed by his excellent miming performance in the movie ‘Rock of Ages’ and the fact that he can supply all of his own wigs.

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by | May 2, 2014 · 7:00 am

Prime Minister’s QC brother does unpaid ‘Community Service’

No this isn’t Dave, but it’s a scary thought isn’t it?

 A complicated fraud trial has been halted by a Judge because of cuts at the Ministry of Justice.

“To be strictly accurate, there is essentially one ‘Cut’ responsible.” said Alex Cameron QC, working free of charge on the application yesterday, “Chris Grayling, known as the ‘Unkindest Cut of all’ down at the Bailey. At least I think that’s what they call him.” Continue reading →

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by | April 30, 2014 · 7:01 am

Main reason for voting UKIP would be to piss off Cameron, Miliband and Clegg

1% of voters have spotted the similarity

1% of voters have spotted the similarity

A poll published today has revealed that the main reason that voters are will vote for UKIP at the European Parliament election is simply to annoy and confuse the leaders of the mainstream parties.

“Whilst I regard UKIP as directly descended from the Monster Raving Loony Party, and I don’t agree with any of their views, the idea of seriously irritating the right-on, toffee nosed Tories, Lib Dems and Laborites really appeals to me,” said Dave Zhou, a typical voter from Harold. “I’d much rather vote for a quasi-racist millionaire stock broker.”

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by | April 28, 2014 · 7:01 am

Letter written from Titanic includes first recorded instance of “WTF”

dr fortIt had been thought that the letter sold for a record £119,000 at the weekend had been the last letter written from the Titanic, but now another letter has surfaced which was not only being written at the moment of impact with the iceberg but also includes the first written instance of the acronym ‘WTF’.

“This is a really exciting find,” said auctioneer Jack Hamburg of auctioneers Hamburg & Grunter. “The letter actually refers to the iceberg itself, before moving into the all-important WTF, which makes it stand above the other tat that is usually associated with the old legend.”
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by | April 25, 2014 · 2:00 pm

Are you a good risk? Take our ‘mortgage lifestyle quiz’ to find out!

mortgage

Can you really afford that pen?

Under new rules that take effect on Saturday, mortgage applicants face tougher questions about their lifestyle, to give lenders greater confidence that borrowers will actually have the ability to pay.

Questions from lenders about customers’ regular outgoings – including childcare costs and even haircuts – could be included in affordability checks, along with a range of other lifestyle queries.

At the Evening Harold, we have obtained an early draft copy of the new questionnaire, so why not try it yourself and find out whether, in these difficult times, the mortgage companies will see you as a good risk? Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Cornish people officially awarded ‘odd’ status

cornwall

Sinister much?

The people of Cornwall were celebrating today after finally gaining official ‘odd’ status under European rules.

Following a campaign of sustained oddness for many years, this ruling gives the Cornish the same status as other ‘odd’ communities such as the Welsh and fans of homeopathic medicine.

Chief Secretary to the Treasury Danny Alexander made the announcement during a hurried visit to the county. At a press conference in Bodmin, his eyes nervously sweeping the crowd for for first signs of trouble, he spoke of his delight and nagging anxiety:

“Cornish people have a proud history and a distinct identity. I always get a strange feeling when I cross the Tamar going on holiday to Truro. Nothing you could put your finger on really, waiters spitting on my scrambled eggs, locals pissing in my petrol tank – a bit like going to Wales but without the welcoming smiles.” Continue reading →

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by | April 24, 2014 · 2:00 pm

OAP clamped after Post Office queue fiasco

POA village post office has been criticised for its ‘draconian behaviour’ after having an elderly customer clamped and removed for spending too much time chatting as she drew her pension.

Eye witness, Dave Zhou, was in a long queue behind pensioner Elsie Duggan when the clampers moved into action. “The old dear at the front of the queue had been deep in conversation at the counter for ages when an alarm sounded and two men in hi-viz grubby overalls stormed in and clamped her walking frame. Then they lifted her onto a trolley and wheeled her out of the building. The last I saw was them hoisting her onto the back of a truck by crane.” Continue reading →

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by | · 7:01 am

Batchcock and Marzipan among ancient names returning to popularity

bookAncient names that have not been used for hundreds of years are making a comeback as parents search for individual identities for their new born children.

After a period when Christian names were sourced from Gaelic surnames or favourite drinks, the fashion is switching to names derived from history with boy’s names growing in popularity including Hamlet, Batchcock and Dogend.

Whilst Hamlet is relatively well known thanks to the works of playwright J.K. Rowling; Batchcock is Anglo Saxon in origin meaning “many dickheads”, with Dogend being Old English for “cigarette butt”. Continue reading →

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by | April 23, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Who could do better than Moyes? A chocolate fireguard? We look at the contenders

Cheerio then David

Cheerio then David

With David Moyes’ disastrous but hilarious reign as Manchester United manager having come to an end the search has begun for the man to replace him. There are certain qualities needed to manage one of the world’s biggest football clubs and here we run through some of the candidates who look like they could do a better job of it than Moyes did. Continue reading →

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by | · 1:00 pm

Ooh yes, let Alex Ferguson pick the new manager again, says everyone

Football fans across England have reacted with joy to the news that Sir Alex Ferguson will take a prominent role in deciding Manchester United’s next manager.

Muppet-Ferguson

Several promising candidates being considered…

Following the unalloyed success of the Scot’s previously chosen candidate, there is general delight that football is to be treated to another exhibition of genius recruitment from the master.

An Old Trafford spokesman confirmed this morning that the most enjoyable hiring process since Basil Fawlty employed Manuel was under way.

“Sir Alex has proved his judgement a thousand times over the years, and he have total confidence in him,” he insisted. “Yes, he’s not as young as he used to be, and sometimes forgets what his name is, but you can’t argue with experience.”

“It might be true that he comes into meetings still in his pyjamas some days, thinks he’s Napoleon and smells of wee, but the board retain every confidence in him.” Continue reading →

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by | · 11:00 am

‘Want to get on? Then get a head start.’ Cameron tells youngsters

103185196_269810c

Not handed to me on just any old plate. It was solid silver, half an inch thick and this big

Poor qualifications may mean British youngsters losing out on jobs, fears the Prime Minister. 

“My own father was good at Maths and English” he said yesterday “He could add up money and read tax law, which meant I had the qualifications to get into Eton College, after which it was onwards and upwards. If I have one question for aspirational young people, looking for opportunities today, it is this – do your parents have pots of money?” Continue reading →

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