Tag Archives: Evening Harold

by | September 4, 2014 · 11:00 am

Another gaffe as Miliband flies to Cardiff to deliver keynote Scottish independence speech

So good to be back in Scotland.

So good to be back in Scotland.

Aides close to Ed Miliband were rallying around the gaffe prone Labour leader after he surprisingly arrived in Cardiff to deliver his first major speech on the vote for Scottish independence.

Although officials tried to explain away the obvious error by saying that Miliband was in Cardiff to be available in the unlikely event that NATO leaders wanted to consult with him, the explanation seems to be that the Opposition leader was under the mistaken belief that Cardiff was in Scotland.

The situation wasn’t helped when upon arriving at Cardiff Airport, Miliband, wearing a specially made Kinnock clan tartan tie to show solidarity with the local population, asked where he could buy some Edinburgh rock as a souvenir. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Village souvenir tea towels replaced with novelty dishwasher tablets

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Nigella will gnaw off the blue bits if Scotland votes for independence.

A village post office has finally updated its stock of gifts – out go tea towels, and in come souvenir dishwasher tablets.

Complete with a commemorative range of rinse aids and 3 kilo sacks of salt, Harold will once again rekindle holiday memories while people wash up the pots.

“Some of these tea towels have been here for nearly ten years”, admitted post mistress Nigella Bunting. “For some reason, visitors don’t want to associate our village with ball-aching drudgery. So I came up with the idea of upgrading to these 2-in-1 gel bags: they wash plates while they remind you of visiting here by accident on that day when the M1 was closed.”
Continue reading →

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by | September 3, 2014 · 6:51 am

Tony Blair wins Philanthropist of the Year award (seriously)

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Proof

Tony Blair won the GQ Philanthropist of the Year award and picked up his prize in person.

In his acceptance speech he said. “I would like to dedicate this award to the people that work with and for my organisations. I feel the pulse of progress beating a little harder.” Continue reading →

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by | September 2, 2014 · 2:30 pm

War on terrorism on hold whilst US hunts down source of Jennifer Laurence nude photos

jenWhite House aides have confirmed that any further response to the Isis Crisis has been postponed until the FBI, CIA and other intelligence agencies have apprehended the person responsible for the publication of nude photographs of celebrities without their permission.

“We appreciate that celebrities flaunt their flesh at any opportunity for the delight of their adoring public, but it’s an entirely different thing when this is done without permission and the celebrity is unable to receive payment,” said an official, “this threatens the entire basis of Western Civilisation, far more than the Islamic State which is miles away anyway.”
Continue reading →

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by | September 1, 2014 · 7:00 am

“Why won’t you panic?” Government raises threat level to Eeeep!

red-panda-sleeping

The average UK fear level

Frustrated by the UK population’s inability to be scared stupid, the Home Secretary has announced that the government has raised the UK threat level to Eeeep! Meaning that a terrorist attack is deffo totes likely, p’raps, ish, maybe. Continue reading →

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by | August 31, 2014 · 9:00 am

Andy Murray: “I can be just as miserable playing for an independent Scotland”

andy-murray (2)

“Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth…”

After declining to give an opinion on the referendum Andy Murray has finally acknowledged that if Scotland becomes independent then he will be just as gloomy playing tennis wearing a Saltire as he ever has been wearing a Union Flag. Continue reading →

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by | August 28, 2014 · 4:52 pm

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie get married: sad acts finally realise they had no chance

lazy

“I’d’ve shown her the world, as long as it’s on Netflix.”

With the news that the stunningly good looking full time charity workers and occasional movie stars Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got married this weekend the pathetic and lonely have come to realise that they were never in with a chance to begin with. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

In an independent Scotland it will always be winter but never Christmas, says Gordon Brown

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Glasgow city centre July 2015 if the Yes campaign prevails

Eerie reminder to be careful what you wish for; Gordon Brown has issued a dire warning aimed at those intending to vote for Scotland to become independent. Speaking at an event in support of the Better Together campaign the former Prime Minister announced that in an independent Scotland it will always be winter but never Christmas. He also claimed that inequality and poverty could “survive until doomsday”. Continue reading →

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by | August 27, 2014 · 11:00 am

Local parlour develops invisible tattoo for people unable to show tats at work

ArmHave you been told by your employers that tattoos are unacceptable? Well, hope is at hand thanks to Harold tattooist Dave Zhou who has invented a technique which provides perfect invisible tattoos, which means you can have a tattoo anywhere you like without your boss being able to see it.

Being a police officer, PC Anita Flegg had been unable to display even the tiniest of tattoos until now, so she was one of Dave Zhou’s first customers when he advertised the new product. She is delighted with the results.

“It’s been a real bore not being able to have tats like my mates,” she told the Evening Harold, “but now, thanks to Dave’s skills, I’m thrilled to have a tattoo on my forehead which reads ‘Make my day, punk’ which I know is there but no one can see, so I can’t get into trouble at work. It’s so empowering.” Continue reading →

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by | August 26, 2014 · 6:46 pm

Anti-assault vagina dentata puts bite on rapists

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Like this but lower

Local inventors Dr Rachel Guest and Dr John Goody are overwhelmed by the success of their new anti-rape innovation. The prosthetic teeth which a woman does not put in her mouth are, according to their creators, “stylish and very, very sharp.” Continue reading →

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by | · 11:00 am

New NHS parking charges introduced because Tories were paying too much

NHSStung by criticism of unfair parking charges at NHS hospitals, the Government has announced a number of discounts which will conveniently mean Tory party members enjoying free parking in future.

Revealing the changes, Secretary of State for Health, Jeremy Hunt said, “Top tax payers such as doctors and fellow Tories shouldn’t have to suffer the additional stress of having to pay for exorbitant car parking on top of the hassle of working at a hospital or having to visit relatives, too poor to go private.” Continue reading →

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by | August 25, 2014 · 3:38 pm

Tony Blair now giving PR advice to Satan

satan-happy

They bonded over a shared love of the Bee Gees and free holidays

Currently under fire for advising Kazakhstan’s President Nursultan Nazarbayev on how to spin the murder of unarmed protesters, Tony Blair has come clean about another controversial client of his: Satan. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Alex Salmond to be replaced by womble for second Scottish independence debate

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Popular in his own right. No ice-bucket needed.

The second Scottish independence debate has this morning taken a bizarre turn with the Yes campaign revealing that they have benched Alex Salmond in favour of prominent womble Tobermory.

“Alex had a shocker in the first debate,” said his advisor Claire Howell. “Somehow he managed to fail in the very simple task of being less off-putting than Alistair Darling. So for tonight we’re pulling out the big guns and letting Tobermory fly the flag for independence.”

Tobermory is expected to centre his arguments on the basic right of being allowed to womble free and to point out that Scotland will be fine without England as it will make good use of the things that it finds, specifically billions of pounds worth of oil.

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by | August 24, 2014 · 3:25 pm

Workers warned: Icelandic volcano isn’t a convincing excuse for not going in

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If this happens in Luton then you can stay in bed

As the Bárðarbunga volcano continues to smoke and spew harder than teens at the end of a night out in Cardiff, UK commuters are being warned that it remains a crap reason for not going in to work. Continue reading →

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by | August 22, 2014 · 3:27 pm

House price boom continues as Islington bucket sells for £310,000

bucket-plaster

To be fair it is a jaunty looking bucket

London house prices continued their spiral into madness today when a bucket in Islington sold for £310,000. Described by Renfield estate agents as “a compact and funky urban living space” they urged potential buyers to “snap this bargain property up and live in style in an ultra-modern home with vibrant colour scheme and two handles.”

Within twenty four hours of being on the market the bucket had been viewed a dozen times and been subject to over thirty offers. The buyer, who wishes to remain anonymous, said that they were delighted with their new bucket and especially pleased with its duel-purpose nature which means they can take it to the Devon coast and use it as a second home.  Continue reading →

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by | August 21, 2014 · 6:08 pm

Nominated by Atos victims Duncan Smith refuses ice-bucket challenge

IDS-LOONY

Being asked to point to a decent politician led to nothing but confusion

Iain Duncan Smith has become the first person in the public eye to refuse to do the ALS ice-bucket challenge.

The Secretary of State for Work and Pensions had received thousands of nominations from the victims of Atos assessments and unfair benefit sanctions but has declined to take part.

The multi-millionaire was then asked how much he will donate the ALS Association as a forfeit however he made it clear that he wouldn’t be doing that either.

“Handouts are good for no one,” he said. “If people want a cure for ALS they should stop skiving and work for it.”

Duncan Smith said that he ultimately refused the challenge on health and safety grounds.

“I was told this challenge was about ice and water,” he said. “What those Atos shirkers had filled my bucket with was most definitely neither.”

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by | · 2:27 pm

Richard Dawkins to join Top Gear team

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He won’t be the first professor on the show. Mary Beard is The Stig

The BBC have announced that Richard Dawkins is to join the Top Gear team when the show returns for its new season.

Dawkins, who has this week ignited fresh controversy by saying that a woman who knows her child will be born with Down’s Syndrome would be immoral if she did not abort it, has frequently hit the headlines for making inflammatory statements. In July he said that date rape wasn’t as bad as stranger rape and at Easter tweeted “Hershey’s is far superior to Dairy Milk. Anyone who disagrees should go away and learn how to think.” Continue reading →

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by | August 20, 2014 · 11:00 am

Mrs Brown’s Boys used by Scottish referendum campaigners as a threat and a promise

mrs-browns-boys-cast

Do we want more of this or less? Less of it or more?

With less than a month to go until the independence referendum both sides are causing confusion by deploying BBC Scotland’s Mrs Brown’s Boys as their latest campaign weapon.

While the No side say that an independent Scotland would result in BBC Scotland being much smaller and having no money to produce shows such as Mrs Brown’s Boys and Waterloo Road the Yes side are saying exactly the same thing. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Sex pests welcome in new inclusive Lib Dems

lord_R

We’re desperate – we’ll take anyone…

In a desperate attempt to counter falling membership levels, the Liberal Democrats have loosened their membership rules to welcome sexual predators into the party.

One member, known only as “Lord R”, had his membership suspended after incidents of “inadvertently” “encroaching” upon the “personal space” of women in the “party”, but has since apologised, which makes everything OK.

Party leader Nick Clegg said the Liberal Democrats had been forced to take a “long, hard look in the mirror” since these allegations were made last year, omitting to mention that the mirror in question was fastened to the toecap of Lord R’s right boot, and used primarily while standing behind females on escalators. Continue reading →

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by | August 19, 2014 · 2:30 pm

UKIP ‘trying really really hard not to look racist, honestly’

adolffarage

Oops – what a give away!

Following yet another unpleasant incident, UKIP leader Nigel Farage insisted today that UKIP is “trying really really hard to not look racist”, and people should be applauding the huge efforts the party is making in this area.

“People act as if not being racist is easy”, he complained to a party meeting of nice white people this morning. “Well, it’s not. How many of us can get through a morning without slagging off black or Asian people? I know I can’t.”

“It’s so unfair,” he continued, a dribble of spittle hanging from the gathering foam at his lips. “Many of us in UKIP hardly show we’re racist ever, and then there’s one incident like this where it slips out, and suddenly we’re the bad guys.” Continue reading →

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