Frustrated by the UK population’s inability to be scared stupid, the Home Secretary has announced that the government has raised the UK threat level to Eeeep! Meaning that a terrorist attack is deffo totes likely, p’raps, ish, maybe.
Under the present system there are seven threat levels namely: Low, Moderate, Substantial, Severe, Critical, Eeeep! and Wendy.
“Britons are currently thwarting the anti-terrorism effort,” Theresa May said. “We want you all to be cowering and begging us to quickly introduce draconian laws limiting privacy and the right to do, well, most things if I’m honest. Why won’t you panic?”
She went on to say that the lack of fear was “disappointing but expected” because “it’s something successive governments have had to deal with. Despite various forms of threats and attacks over the decades the British people seem intent on keeping calm and not going mad with fear. Which makes it very hard for us to do what we want without scrutiny.”
Sighing wistfully she added “at this rate we won’t even get you freaked out enough for us to use Boris’ water cannon.”