“Why won’t you panic?” Government raises threat level to Eeeep!


The average UK fear level

Frustrated by the UK population’s inability to be scared stupid, the Home Secretary has announced that the government has raised the UK threat level to Eeeep! Meaning that a terrorist attack is deffo totes likely, p’raps, ish, maybe.

Under the present system there are seven threat levels namely: Low, Moderate, Substantial, Severe, Critical, Eeeep! and Wendy.

“Britons are currently thwarting the anti-terrorism effort,” Theresa May said. “We want you all to be cowering and begging us to quickly introduce draconian laws limiting privacy and the right to do, well, most things if I’m honest. Why won’t you panic?”

She went on to say that the lack of fear was “disappointing but expected” because “it’s something successive governments have had to deal with. Despite various forms of threats and attacks over the decades the British people seem intent on keeping calm and not going mad with fear. Which makes it very hard for us to do what we want without scrutiny.”

Sighing wistfully she added “at this rate we won’t even get you freaked out enough for us to use Boris’ water cannon.”


Filed under Politics

4 Responses to “Why won’t you panic?” Government raises threat level to Eeeep!

  1. Pingback: “Why won’t you panic?” Government raises threat level to Eeeep! | The Evening Harold | sdbast

  2. They’ll be putting in for a pay rise soon , mark my words . Funny though , it’s them that the terrorists are after except they tend to hit small children ,innocent , tolerant , politically correct and poor non-greedy types .

  3. The ‘Fret Level’ is currently at IDGAF. Unlike the Threat Level, the Fret Level, shows the actual level of concern shown by ‘The Great British Public’. It has only three levels: Level 1 is NONE – no threat and no concern. Level 2 is IDGAF (I don’t give a fuck) which means there is some vague threat but not really and who cares. Level 3 is where the threat has occurred and is continuing ie carpet bombing over 90% of the country this is the ‘Mildly alarmed’ state. There is only one other fret level beyond that but is only theoretical and there is no known plan to counter it. This is PANIC STATE INDIGO EMERGENCY – only occurring if ‘Strictly’ is cancelled.