Tag Archives: Evening Harold

by | December 15, 2015 · 3:26 pm

Dismay as new Star Wars movie turns out to be musical

sound-of-music-tour

These aren’t the brown paper packages tied up with string you’re looking for…

Movie-goers were left disgusted today after the long-awaited new Star Wars movie turned out to be, in fact, a musical.

This news story could go on to cleverly explain how this disaster could have come about, but we all know that what we’re really here for is the list of songs.

So (gulp) here we go, then:

“Send in the Clones”
“Han’s up, baby, Han’s up!”
“Don’t cry for me, Grand Moff Tarkin”
“Summer Jedi Knights”
“Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Golden Metal Slave Bikini!”
“Don’t Luke back in anger”
“Ewok Around the Clock”
“Yoda one that I want”
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by | December 14, 2015 · 5:25 pm

Britain First dismiss Shaker Aamer’s rebuke to terrorists: “Ten years too late”.

aamersmall

Howdy

Shaker Aamerhas has told extremists to “get the hell out” of the UK and denounced Islamist attacks, but Britain First dismissed this as ‘bollocks’, calling for him to swear loyalty to the Queen, the United Kingdom and the Church of England.

Aamer had been held in captivity for 14 years, in the US government’s fight against people who, if given half a chance, would strip US citizens of their right to a fair trial.

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by | · 1:00 pm

Town plunged into darkness after solar panel craze

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Harold, midday today. Mayor Jackson on the left.

The English town of Harold was plunged into utter blackness today after a smooth-talking salesman persuaded the majority of inhabitants to install solar panels.

Over in the US, the wise residents of Woodland, North Carolina recently banned solar panels for this very reason, arguing that their proliferation would suck all the energy out of the sun and bring the world into constant night.

Unfortunately for the simple people of Harold, this simple scientific principle is not widely-understood in the UK, leading to a nightmare scenario where nothing grows and vampires stalk the streets.

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by | · 10:00 am

Embarrassment as thumbscrews found in Tony Blair’s hand luggage

thumbscrewFormer Prime Minister Tony Blair has been embarrassed by the discovery of a fully-functional set of thumbscrews in his hand luggage for a flight to the US, it emerged today.

Already facing criticism for his role in enabling the torture of British citizens in Guantanamo Bay, the discovery could not have come at a worse time for Blair.

It has recently been discovered that Blair and former Foreign Minister Jack Straw instructed our embassies to send British citizens to Guantanamo, even after knowing about US torture there.

These revelations have been damaging, but no-one expected Blair to be playing such an active role in the actual torturing.

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by | · 7:00 am

“Net curtains are my first priority”: Tim Peake looking forward to Britishing up the International Space Station

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He’ll also be taking his protein pills and putting his helmet on

The first Britain in space since Margaret Thatcher was thing, Tim Peake, will be blasted from the Baikonur Cosmodrome tomorrow on a mission to ensure that some corner of a low Earth orbit field is forever a little bit bobbins.

“As the only Brit up there it will be my responsibility to fly the flag,” he said. “A crap plastic flag I’ll shove in my colleagues’ faces during Euro 2016 until England fail to make it out of the group stage and then I’ll just drop it somewhere because what’s more British than mindless littering?” Continue reading →

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by | December 13, 2015 · 9:00 am

Famer regrets shutting stable door after horse bolts

stable-door

The sight that met Lucy when she returned home

Harold’s well-known organic farmer, Ted Evans regrets locking up his stable last Friday , after his horse was startled by an oddly-shaped carrot and galloped off, in what seemed to be a bid for free-range status.

“It were wicked cold on Friday night, well below minus 10 in fact.” says Evans “When I let the dogs out the next morning, I found old Lucy frozen solid to the concrete, just inches away from her heated stall. I could even see faint hoofy scratch marks on the stable door and her little nose was still stuck to the handle.”   Continue reading →

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by | December 11, 2015 · 1:51 pm

Austerity: Osborne cuts 12 days of Christmas to 3 keeps partridge for himself

The Gidders who stole Christmas

George Osborne has today announced severe cuts to the twelve days of Christmas saying that the nation can no longer afford them and that in any case he and his chums are keeping the best ones for themselves.

“Let’s be realistic about this,” he said. “There is no place in today’s economy for shirkers who go about dancing and putting various types of bird in the post. There is really only one acceptable day for the masses as maids who milk are working hard and contributing to the nation’s coffers. I will also allow professional pipers to pipe and drummers to drum as long as they declare in full any income derived from these activities and aren’t part of some pathetically wet set-up that relies on an Arts Council grant.” Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Labour launch another splinter group to prove how united they are

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The Left united will never be defeated! Oops

There were celebrations all over Westminster last night as the Labour Party launched another splinter group to demonstrate their cohesiveness.

Open Labour joins Momentum, Labour First, The Labour That Melts in Your Mouth and Not in Your Hand, and The People’s Front of Judea amongst many other groups each espousing the ‘correct’ way to be left of the government. Continue reading →

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by | December 10, 2015 · 1:51 pm

School carol concert plumbs undiscovered new depths of toss

xmaskaleidoscopeREVIEW BY HAROLD MUSIC CORRESPONDENT PIERS WAGHORN:

Parents attending last night’s “Christmas Kaleidoscope” concert at Harold Village Comprehensive were forced to sit through 90 minutes of excruciating toss before reaching a song they actually recognised.

In a bid to give an exciting modern flavour to the event, a musical set was designed with barely any recognisable content at all.

A first glance at the programme (kindly printed by the local branch of Dyno-rod) gave no hint of the horrors to come.

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by | December 9, 2015 · 1:35 pm

100,000 sign petition to block Iain Duncan Smith from the UK

Iain-Duncan-Smith

At fifty, every man has the face he deserves

Calls are growing today for the multi-millionaire demagogue Iain Duncan Smith to be banned from the UK following his widely condemned policies calling for a halt on all poor and/or disabled people enjoying any quality of life. So far 100,000 have signed the petition asking that IDS be banned under the ‘unacceptable behaviour’ criteria. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

PM delighted as Donald Trump distracts us all from Tory awfulness

"Let them eat cake."

“The US election? It’s just hair and circuses.”

David Cameron has spoken of his delight at Donald Trump doing for religious tolerance what he himself allegedly did to that pig, and making everyone forget how awful his own government is.

“It’s brilliant,” Cameron enthused. “All the UK press is concerned with is what someone who might one day be President of another country is saying and tweeting while me and my chums get busy having a lovely bombing and further undermining the NHS. There are no eyes on our ball. I am reminded of the famous saying ‘If Iain Duncan Smith declares war on the disabled and no one is watching, does he make a sound?'” Continue reading →

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by | December 8, 2015 · 7:00 am

Trump ‘will ban Native Americans from entering USA’

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Next, they came for the horses…

In his most embarrassing proclamation yet, celebrity simpleton Donald Trump has announced that if he becomes President, all Native Americans will be immediately barred from entering the USA.

Coming hot on the heels of his other statement about banning all Muslims, Trump now seems to have lost his last tenuous grip on reality.

“If these so-called ‘indians’ or whatever they call themselves try to enter our great country, we will send them back to where they came from immediately,” spluttered the furry one, “Wherever that is.”

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by | December 7, 2015 · 9:08 am

Bono to sing ‘Je Suis Un Belle-Ende’ for Paris

Bono_helmet

Enorme tete de coque rouge

Following U2’s announcement that they are to record a song to show their solidarity with Paris, there has been massive popular enthusiasm for the suggestion that Bono should sing the classic French ballad “Je Suis Un Belle-Ende”.

A spokesman from the French embassy in London, visibly fighting back tears of emotion, explained to reporters today that the song referred to a symbol of protection for others, saving them from harm in the face of attack, and could be literally translated as “I am your helmet”.

Bono gave keen support to the idea in an interview to French journalists this morning.

“They tell me it’s a common French phrase, down on the streets. I think it is amazingly moving. I can feel myself being moved right now.”

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by | December 6, 2015 · 12:45 pm

Syrians ask for national flags on bombs so they know who to thank

ukbomb

Morning!

Grateful but confused Syrians say national flags painted on bombs would make it easier to work out which liberating power to thank.

“We just can’t keep up with all the different countries that are sharing their bombs with us. It’s like when you don’t save the little cards on present wrapping-paper” said multiple bomb recipient Hamza Ali.

“A flag painted on the bomb would make it so much easier. Perhaps even design them so they whistle your national anthem as they help clear away our superfluous hospitals and schools.”
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by | · 10:55 am

Syria bombing stepped up to protect Leytonstone

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Too close for comfort

Following the terrorist knife attack in Leytonstone, Prime Minister David Cameron has vowed to increase the number of Syrian bombing raids “until East London is safe again”.

Police were called to reports of people being attacked at Leytonstone around 19:00 on Saturday. The knifeman reportedly shouted “this is for Syria”. The police have not yet been able to work out what might have motivated the violence.

In a statement to the press, the Prime Minister explained: “This is exactly why we need to bomb Syria more often. What hope is there of stopping these terrible incidents at home unless we flatten a country far, far away?”

“By killing innocent civilians in our futile show of strength, we will doubtless cause these extremists in Britain to give up their fight.”

“We’ll probably gain lots of friends everywhere, too.”

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by | December 5, 2015 · 8:56 am

Jabba the Hutt pressured to lose 3,500 lbs for new Star Wars movie

jabbathin

Lean and mean

Following the news that Carrie Fisher and Mark Hamill were asked to lose weight to reprise their roles in the new Star Wars movie, evil space gangster Jabba the Hutt has claimed that he too was pressured to slim down.

“The producers called my agent,” Mr the Hutt revealed today, “And they explained that they were very keen to have my character return, but they’d kind of imagined a much thinner version.”

“Well, I wasn’t happy, but what am I going to do? It’s not like I’m going to let anyone else play Jabba, is it? They had me over a barrel.”

“I know aliens shouldn’t be judged by their size, but to be fair, I am an enormous flabby monster the size of a small planet.”

“3,500 pounds, I had to lose. They might as well have told me to get nicer, because that’s how tough it was.”

Jabba revealed that a strenuous programme of jogging and pilates eventually helped shed that disgusting alien flab, along with a strict diet. Continue reading →

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by | December 4, 2015 · 2:13 pm

Jeremy Corbyn now abandoned by everyone apart from ‘voters’

uk_corbyn

Down to his last 20 million supporters…

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn is now so isolated politically that he can only call upon the support of a shadowy group of people known in the UK as “voters”, it emerged today.

Facing certain defeat in the Oldham by-election, Corbyn played a typically dastardly trick in persuading normal English people to come out of their homes in droves to vote for the Labour candidate.

The result, in which Labour scored a huge popular majority with an increased share of the vote, was condemned by commentators as “treason” and “Labour sympathising”.

Sun columnist Ron Liddle explained that Labour hadn’t really won at all, as getting the most votes in a democratic election was no guarantee of fairness, and proved his point with examples from history including Hitler, Stalin, and, confusingly, ABBA’s 1974 Eurovision Song Contest hit “Waterloo”. Continue reading →

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by | December 3, 2015 · 7:00 am

WAR – this time it’s different, explains Cameron

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Not this time, says Dave!

The government has explained that the decision to flatten Syria will not cause any of the disastrous problems usually associated with this sort of thing.

Anti-war campaigners, innocent Syrian people and other terrorist sympathisers had pleaded desperately that the inevitiable outcome of bombing would be a hellish nightmare on Earth, but these concerns have now been addressed directly by Prime Minister David Cameron. Continue reading →

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by | November 28, 2015 · 12:34 pm

‘Moderate’ Christians everywhere urged to condemn Planned Parenthood terrorist

QueenFrancis2

“Let’s hush this up, Queenie baby!”

The myth that Christianity is a peace-loving gentle religion was shattered today after moderate Christians the world over pointedly failed to condemn extreme Christian terrorists who shamefully massacred several people in Colorado.

Instead of sending out a strong message to the faithful, Christian community leaders chose to implicitly support the Colorado massacre by their refusal to denounce it.

One Christian leader, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, head of the murky “Church of England”, claimed she was too busy ruling her people to comment, but it was “nothing to do with one”. Continue reading →

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by | November 27, 2015 · 1:35 pm

‘Phuc Dat Bich’ was hoax, admits Mr Sniff Mi Kok

sniffmycock

We feel your pain, Sniff Mi Kok

An Australian calling himself Phuc Dat Bich, who made global headlines after saying he was fighting to use his real name on Facebook, admits it was hoax.

The man, whose real name happens to be Sniff Mi Kok, admitted to journalists today that his joke name was merely a hoax used to highlight the difficulties faced by people with amusing names.

“Luckily I do not have an amusing name, and so I have never faced these problems,” explained Sniff Mi Kok to a room full of unusually silent, fidgeting journalists.

“But I know what it is to be ridiculed for the accident of birth which is ones name. My Grandmother, Lik Dis Krutch, faced nothing but prejudice in her attempt to be a high court judge, and my cousin Tung Mi But had a very hard time when he first started working at the United Nations. Continue reading →

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