British banks are to have in depth investigations in suspicious FIFA account to see if there is anything they can learn.
A spokesman for Barclays said: “It is looking like FIFA may have had some dodgy dealings happening through their accounts for the last 25 years. That’s impressive in anyone books, and we know about dodgy books. Continue reading
Hull – justifiably proud of its plentiful parking
“No tourists have visited Hull in the last two years and it suddenly occurred to us that perhaps people thought we had a travel ban list” said the Lord Mayor of Hull Mary Glew.
“I think many would-be tourists were so excited about the prospect of visiting Hull, they just didn’t want to take the risk there was some sort of secret ‘banned list’ that would scuttle their holiday of a lifetime.”
Continue reading
Comments Off on “We have no Russian-style travel ban list”, clarifies Hull
Filed under International News, Politics
The horror! The horror!
Urban life has today taken on a new horror as the anti-slavery commissioner, Kevin Hyland, has warned of children being used in “Oliver Twist scenarios”.
“It was terrifying,” a recent victim told us. “I was innocently walking along the street, turned a corner, and suddenly there were all these dead-eyed stage school kids singing about ‘kerchiefs and considering yourself at home while clutching the brims of their top hats and having a choreographed knees up. I’ve never seen children do anything less spontaneous or so lacking in joy. The adults who make them do this are monsters.” Continue reading
Comments Off on “Oliver Twist scenarios” on city streets: unwary assaulted by relentless musical numbers
Filed under Crime
A Harold Council health and safety training course due to be held on Monday has been postponed following concerns about the weight of the training folder.
The updated folders were delivered to the council offices on Friday, but due to their now excessive weight they have been left on the floor, surrounded by highly visible tape, a warning sign, and a copy of the council’s public liability insurance certificate.
“The delivery driver romantically dropped off the training material on bended knee, with a straight back, and arms at shoulder length,” Joan Willis, the council’s health and safety officer said. “It was text book manual handling. Well at least we think it was.
“Sadly we can’t be sure as the amount of health and safety rules we now need to follow means the health and safety training manual is too heavy for anyone to move and check.”
Continue reading
Comments Off on Health and safety course postponed over concerns of training manual weight
Filed under Around Harold, Culture, News
A hipster and his iPod
The village came together as one yesterday evening to rescue itself from a hipster on a unicycle.
“It was rush hour. A busy time on the High Street during which there can be as many as three cars travelling plus a tractor,” PC Flegg told us. “I was on hand to co-ordinate the traffic when I saw this bearded idiot on a unicycle holding everyone up and looking unbelievably pleased with himself. I had no option but to taser him in the face for being an insufferable dick.” Continue reading
Filed under Around Harold
The indestructible Blatter!
Engineers have produced an alloy that springs back into shape no matter how bent it appears.
Named Blatter after the indestructible president of FIFA, it is created by combining the resilient elements of Mugabe, Farage and various species of cockroach into an alloy which never seems to wear out, no matter what is thrown at it. Continue reading
Comments Off on New ‘Blatter’ alloy bounces back into shape no matter how bent
Filed under International News, Sport
An elderly Swiss chook, Pegg Splatter, says a clutch of bad eggs has nothing to do with her, and she has absolutely no idea how they came to be found under her bottom.
American and Swiss poultry inspectors raided the Zurich henhouse looking for corrupted eggs, and their suspicions were aroused when Splatter shifted nervously on a bed of shredded brown envelopes and dollar bills.
Continue reading
Comments Off on Elderly Swiss chook denies responsibility for bad eggs
Filed under Sport
Pandas only too keen to leave Osborne’s ‘man cave’.
George Osborne has demanded that England’s emergency supply of pandas are opened, and sent to Scotland to outnumber SNP MPs.
The plan was hatched during a hastily convened COBRA meeting, following yet another quip from Nicola Sturgeon that ‘Tory MPs are outnumbered by pandas in Scotland’.
“We’ve heard that one before”, said Osborne. “In fact this is the 148th time it’s been recorded in Hansard. I’m buttocked if I’m going to let those bummers repeat it again.”
Continue reading
Comments Off on Send in the bears! Osborne plans to outnumber SNP with pandas
Filed under Politics
FIFA officials arrested on corruption charges in Zürich have vowed to clear their names at any cost, and probably in brown envelopes.
Speaking from the prison cell some believe should be Sepp Blatter’s new office, one of the arrested men explained he had his lawyers working with some of the best accountants in the land to secure his release.
Continue reading
Comments Off on Arrested FIFA officials vow to clear their names, at any cost
Filed under Uncategorized
“I’m working my way up to an antelope.”
Are you bored with going to the gym and drudging away on equipment in front of a mirror? But are you too soft to go outside? An ultra runner from Harold thinks he may have the answer.
“Man evolved to be a ‘persistence hunter’, tirelessly chasing down antelope to the point of exhaustion “, explained Dave Evans. “We were truly ‘born to run’, not to squeeze springs with our thighs. Which is why I put a cow on a treadmill.”
Evans has created a more natural gym in his barn, where wannabe Kalahari bushmen can pursue a range of animals for days at a time.
“I’m catering for the everyday gym-goer, so you can start with a fat hamster, or one of my old donkeys if you like”, said Evans. “And gradually work your way up to a heifer. Just keep pursuing it until it reaches the point of exhaustion, and then finish it off with a stick.”
Continue reading
Comments Off on Born to run: persistence hunting moves to the gym
Filed under Around Harold, Sport, Technology
Sam Allardyce’s wife Lynn says she’s taking a break from household duties to spend more time at the football following West Ham United.
“The timing just felt right” explained Lynn. “I’ve been responsible for our Canary Wharf apartment for over four years and I think I’m leaving it in a better place than I found it.”
“I didn’t have the budget some of the Russian apartment owners had, so to be voted 12th best apartment in the block is still a real achievement, especially when you consider three other owners were evicted.”
Continue reading
Comments Off on Sam Allardyce’s family resigns to spend more time at the football
Filed under Sport
Start ’em young
Home Secretary Theresa May has called on UK police to end a social media campaign against scaring children with threats of prison, pointing out that this is actually a key part of the Conservatives’ new law enforcement policy.
Durham Constabulary has published a poster on its Facebook page urging parents not to tell their children that if they refuse to eat dinner the police will take them to prison. The police believe that this will only instill a climate of fear and mistrust of the law from an early age.
However, the Home Secretary has pointed out that the proposed 2016 Law Enforcement, Juveniles (Dinner) Act will specifically make not finishing vegetables a criminal offence for children as young as five. “Five” referring here to days, of course. Continue reading
Comments Off on Theresa May: ‘Actually, we are planning to send three-year-olds to jail for not eating dinner’
Filed under Police, Politics, Social media
A prayer’s as good as Unity gun on a day like this
After a brief flourish of creativity video game makers have decided to yield to the inevitable and produce nothing but first person survival horror games from now on.
“Makes sense to me” said Gabe Newell, MD of Valve. “Steam’ll be much easier to run when we can lump everything into one category. What am I saying it’s easy to run now, we just let it all happen around us. We’d greenlight a screenshot of an empty plate if we thought someone would pay $9.99 for it.” Continue reading
Comments Off on Zombies – thousands of ’em! All video games to be first person survival horrors by 2016
Filed under Entertainment
Another nasty case of Gerrarditis
Dear Doctor Evans, I’m a BBC sports journalist and I can’t help mentioning the amazingly loyal Liverpool superstar footballer Steven Gerrard every time I open my mouth. Am I sick? Is there any cure? BBC Cliché (The Wirral)
Dear BBC Cliché, I’m afraid you are very sick, but your condition is curable.
You are suffering from a mass form of hysteria Continue reading
Comments Off on Ask the Doctor. This week: Gerrarditis
Filed under Dr. Evans' Casebook, Media, Sport
Eurovision: a big glittery rainbow for the soul
Dementors in human form across the globe are getting ready to suck the joy out of Europe’s daftest annual contest.
“Eurovision makes people feel good,” hateful swine Jean Polkinghorne told us. “So I’m making a special effort to be horribly scathing and let everyone who enjoys watching it know that this means they have the emotional IQ of hair gel.” Continue reading
Comments Off on Joyless snobs gearing up for annual sneer at Eurovision
Filed under Entertainment
A Harold schoolboy used his morning talk to tell his classmates that his dad was gifted, and quite possibly a genius.
Simon Atkins, 8, said he first realised his dad Alan was gifted when he got sacked from his job as an insurance assessor.
“It was clear to me that dad’s job wasn’t challenging enough for him and he was bored. As a high-functioning type he needed extra mental stimulation which is obviously why he chose to defraud the company he worked for and then burn down the premises to cover his tracks.”
Continue reading
Comments Off on Proud child tells class about gifted parent
Filed under Around Harold, Children
Unpopular, even in his own shaving mirror.
Ed Balls has dismissed suggestions that he might return to frontline politics, given his current persona and the way he interacts with humans.
Balls, a man with a face like a bottle bank (in that you’re inclined to shove bottles in it), revealed that he’s happy to spend ‘the next month or two’ in the storage unit his wife has paid for.
“Obviously I’m brilliant”, revealed Balls, “but not everyone ‘gets’ me. For instance, the tumble dryer I’m stored with recently caught fire. In a storage unit. With no power supply. The engineer said it was suicide, which is unusual for an appliance.”
Continue reading
Comments Off on Ed Balls rules out early return to politics ‘with current personality’
Filed under Politics
R R Martin is sitting on a cushion.
Actor Peter Dinklage has spoken out about internet rumours that he’s actually a 4ft 5in dwarf.
Dinklage, 6ft 3, plays Tyrion Lannister in popular fantasy series ‘Game of Thrones’, and thinks that’s how the misunderstanding started.
“I suppose I should be flattered really”, said the Emmy-winning star. “Some of my fans just can’t believe it when they meet me.” That so many of his followers are convinced he’s tiny in real-life too is a testament to his incredible acting ability.
Continue reading
Comments Off on 6-foot Peter Dinklage dispels ‘dwarf’ rumours
Filed under Entertainment
Lest we forget.
Thomas Cook has at last expressed remorse over the death of two children, and the devastating effect it’s had on their profits.
Despite a £3 million payout from the hotel to try and bring them some closure, the travel agent is still trying to come to terms with a 20% drop in bookings.
“It seems incredible that in this day and age, a faulty boiler can cause such appalling sorrow”, said chief executive Peter Fankhauser.
“You’d think someone in a position of responsibility would have checked it, although I now realise that wasn’t the parents’ job. Particularly as we didn’t check they were CORGI registered.”
Continue reading
“Better than a thousand hollow words, are two signs that bring peace” Buddha (sort of)
Defence Secretary Michael Fallon has announced that the plan to replace Trident with £100 billion of alarming death-tech has been scrapped in favour of some statues of Father Ted and Father Dougal holding signs saying “Careful now” and “Down with this sort of thing”.
“These are perfect sentiments for modern Britain,” Mr Fallon told us. “They not only represent a certain quiet firmness and unflappable calm that is British to the core, but the fact they’re Irish and we’re stealing them to use for our own purpose is a very real reflection of how we used to behave towards the entire world in times past, which’ll hopefully deter any potential invaders.” Continue reading
Comments Off on Trident to be replaced by Father Ted statue
Filed under Defence
You must be logged in to post a comment.