This quokka’s only smiling because it doesn’t know how dumb it is
Australia has officially taken over from the USA as global village idiots following a recent flurry of good ideas from Washington on things like healthcare, gay marriage and extremism. As he received the golden sheep’s bladder on a stick from Barack Obama during a ceremony in Canberra earlier today, Prime Minister Tony Abbott said that he is delighted by his country’s rise. Continue reading
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Filed under International News
Fans of Andy Murray’s new wife, Kim, breathed a collective grunt of relief at the news that the BBC has secured the terrestrial TV rights to show the players’ girlfriends, relatives and assorted celebrities whilst they are watching the tennis at Wimbledon.
Acclaiming the news as a major coup, Barbara Slater, BBC Sport Director, said “Whilst we are obviously disappointed that our bid of £15 and dinner with Claire Balding was considered insufficient to retain the rights to cover the tennis itself, we are delighted to be able to continue the coverage of the tennis players’ sweethearts and pushy mothers. Most viewers will hardly notice the difference.” Continue reading
Rail development in the North is being shelved for a few years
Plans to make rail travel bearable were ‘overly ambitious’ admitted transport minister Patrick McLoughlin yesterday, from the back of his official Jaguar.
McLoughlin explained how, with the election over, there is now no immediate need to have northerners clogging up platforms and corridors with their whippets and homing pigeons.
“That’s it for the Northern Power-house for the time being” he chuckled “Northern Shite-house more like. Have you seen the way Jaguar ruche their leather seats on the new models by the way? Great to run your fingers over.”
Let it go, Mr Lama. Let it go.
The Dalai Lama is said to be ‘overjoyed’ at the prospect of annointing James Bay with his own holy water.
Mr Lama, 63, is famed for his inner calm and tranquility, but ‘completely lost his shit’ when he first heard ‘Hold Back the River’.
“I will not hold this river back”, declared the Llama. “I will project it forward with righteous velocity. With luck, I’ll knock his stupid hat off.”
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Filed under Entertainment
Tattoos can help you stand out from the crowd.
Have you got ink? Curious about what it means? Evening Harold unpicks the scabs on the tattoo code…
Swallow on neck: You are an Arthur Ransome fan.
Tear under one eye: You suffer from hayfever. (Please offer this person antihistamines if they appear to be in difficulty.)
Anchor on forearm: Possible subconscious iron deficiency.
Unicorn: You interfere with horses.
Football club badge: You are working class. Talk to someone about chips.
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Filed under Culture
To be fair to Calais police some of these chaps who are intent on getting into the UK do seem a bit highly strung. We wouldn’t want to tackle them either.
Moo about it being ‘totally unacceptable’ then just sit back down.
Never mention that under the Coalition the Border Force had 20% slashed from its budget and its workforce reduced by 5,200. Continue reading
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Filed under Politics, Uncategorized
One thing I learned as Minister for Education was…err…
Letting down the poorest in society should be left to politicians with a proven track record of doing so, thinks Michael Gove.
“If there’s one thing I learned as Education Secretary… two, take away one … yes one thing” said the justice minister yesterday “it’s that you can’t simply let so-called professionals run things. A politician like me, with a fresh new approach – pardon?- well yes, untrammelled by previous experience in the field is another way of putting it – can often makes things better.”
Mr Gove is particularly concerned that there are effectively two systems of justice in the country. “One Gold Standard, for the rich and well connected and another for those without financial means or influence. That is completely unacceptable to this Conservative government and we will now consign it to the history books”.
“We will rationalise things to create one simple, uniform system across the country.” he promised his audience, adding with a flourish “My predecessor Chris Grayling made a good start by slashing legal aid and decimating support services for domestic violence victims; it now falls to me to finish the job and do away with justice for the poor altogether.”
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Filed under Law and Order, News, Politics
Eco fans can now offset their carbon footprint by taking a cruise on a galley slave-powered cargo ship.
With bookings now being taken to bring 55,000 tonnes of iPhones, smart watches and other electronic crap back from China, just 1,200 ethical adventurers are needed to get it here by Christmas.
“Unfortunately that’s not Christmas this year, and most of this tat will be out of date by 2018”, explained green-tour organizer Damien Howitzer.
“But between them, they will have saved enough fuel to pop the whole lot in the landfill, and still have enough carbon credits left to fly the family to Florida. Well, those that survive, obviously.”
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Filed under environment, Hoildays
“I’m going to pop a cap up your bottom.”
George Osborne has dropped the n-word in a string of speeches, after being impressed by Obama’s use of the forbidden term.
A group of school children from Dunstable were the first to hear the chancellor’s latest attempt to talk ‘street’, and roundly condemned him for doing so.
“It’s not a word most kids would dream of using”, said 14-year old Samantha Bacon. “It’s revolting really; a real symbol of past oppression.”
The queen seemed nonplussed when a state dinner was n-bombed by Osborne, but Prince Philip barely batted an eyelid.
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“That’s made my day!” IDS hears claimant really does have multiple sclerosis
Iain Duncan Smith has defended his department’s humiliation of Nick Gaskin, who cannot walk, talk or feed himself.
“It’s a well known fact in my head that benefits scroungers pretend to have multiple sclerosis, constructing elaborate facades by being fed and toileted by an army of well-meaning but frankly gullible carers.”
DWP officials repeatedly asked Mr Gaskin to attend a Jobcentre interview or risk his benefits being stopped. “We were pretty sure he was a wrong’un.” says IDS “When the potential consequences were explained to Mr Gaskin during a home visit, he just sat there blinking, so we clearly had him rattled.”
Nick Gaskin, from Leicestershire, was diagnosed with primary progressive multiple sclerosis (MS) 16 years ago. He needs round-the-clock care and can only communicate through blinking.
“So what?” asked IDS “I need round the clock care myself. In fact we have a dedicated DWP unit just to follow me round and sweep up the shit I make up. And I can’t actually feed myself either – not on a Ministerial salary.”
“But you don’t see me queuing up with a begging bowl and shall I tell you why? Well, yes, living rent free in a mansion on my father-in-law’s estate helps, but this isn’t about me. Don’t change the subject.”
Have you ever wondered why the summer’s news is tediously predictable? Well, the EH can exclusively reveal that all newspapers pre-write the summer news so journalists can sod off to the beach rather than sit in sweaty offices waiting for something to happen. Which it never does.
So here is a sample of what we have already written for the summer:
16th July: The temperature sneaks above 20 degrees and a heatwave is finally declared. First use of “Scorcher” in a headline. Everyone rushes to the beaches and then rushes away again after a killer shark panic on a Devonian beach. The Great White Shark turns out to be a boringly harmless basking shark. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Media, Uncategorized
A Harold man who requested ‘breakfast in bed, a box of chocolates, and a blowjob’ for Father’s Day says he was just being ironic, and he was perfectly happy with his haul of two slices of toast and a box of Roses chocolates.
“To be honest, I was rapt to even get two of the three” said insurance assessor and father of three Alan Atkins. “I’d have been just as happy, but definitely no more happy, to say get the chocolates and a blowjob.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture
“I’m banning people, starting with the NRA”
“It’s been far too easy for guns to obtain people in America” said Obama. “While we have tried to limit people through immigration policies, people nakedly get round this by simply breeding. With this unchecked proliferation of people, guns have no trouble finding a person to fire them. Shockingly, in isolated areas people even outnumber guns.”
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Filed under Crime, International News
Even after a hectic week, some men are flat out around the house at weekends
Harold’s fathers are busy planning what not to do on 21st June when, in a break from tradition, their womenfolk will undertake the bulk of cooking, cleaning and childcare.
Many men are still recovering from their Mothers Day exertions, believing it was only ‘a couple of weeks ago’ that they left an unwrapped box of Milk Tray and a small bunch of dayglo flowers on their mum’s’ front doorstep.
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Filed under Around Harold, Greetings cards, Lifestyle, News
Gavin Hearn takes a walk on the wild side
Gavin Hearn said it was just a normal Friday afternoon until a group of about 15 people, all dressed in an earnestly different sort of way, arrived at his workshop and asked if they could listen to him work on his lathe.
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Filed under Around Harold, music
Their sacrifice paved the way for a white woman to be promoted to the top of a black organisation.
Indefensible racists the Black and White Minstrels have been praised for their brave promotion of trans-racial awareness.
Once a subject that was as much non-existent as it was controversial, trans-racial issues were given a voice by white men who blacked up and sang songs that made light of slavery.
The group of pioneers were the first to reject the burden placed on them by a thousand years of privileged chance genetics, and model themselves instead on Uncle Ben’s rice packets.
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Filed under Entertainment, Society, Uncategorized
Is this image proof of ‘The Curse of Nirvana’?
In April 1994, Kurt Cobain was killed in a freak accident while cleaning his machine gun during a leisurely breakfast.
Some had hoped this would begin and end the notorious ‘Curse of Nirvana’, but chillingly, it was not to be.
Now, just 24 short years (and 2 months or so) later to the day, Jeff Grohl has broken his leg.
In a freak accident, probably linked to The Curse, James Grohl fell gravity-wise from the podium we all put him upon, and broke his bone.
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Filed under Entertainment
Opportunist slackers remember, when the sun is in the sky at work you don’t have to try
With one day left until Ramadan workshy villagers are preparing to embrace the idea of fasting for a month during daylight hours in the belief it will give them a brilliant excuse for being rubbish at work.
“I’m not a Muslim,” healthcare assistant Daphne Newton said. “But can you imagine not eating or drinking for up to nineteen hours a day? I reckon I’d be quite cranky and non-productive so I thought I’d slack off for the next thirty days. Then if the boss has a go I’ll say it’s Ramadan and all cultural and she’ll leave me alone.” Continue reading
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Filed under Religion
Evans also enjoys playing golf. F**king golf.
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Filed under Entertainment
John Terry makes no comment
Terry keeps mum
Evening Harold reporters have been camped outside John Terry’s London house for two days, waiting to get former England captain John Terry’s reaction to events. None has so far been forthcoming.
The lack of any sort of response, even just a blunt denial, has inevitably led to speculation that there is something to hide.
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Filed under Around Harold, Sport
Tagged as John Terry, no comment, the rumour(s)