Obama announces USA to become a people-free gun reserve

"I'm banning people, starting with the NRA"

“I’m banning people, starting with the NRA”

After the National Rifle Association responded to the latest mass shooting with the compelling argument ‘guns don’t kill people, people do’, President Obama has decided to ban people from the United States.

“It’s been far too easy for guns to obtain people in America” said Obama. “While we have tried to limit people through immigration policies, people nakedly get round this by simply breeding. With this unchecked proliferation of people, guns have no trouble finding a person to fire them. Shockingly, in isolated areas people even outnumber guns.”

Under Obama’s people control plan, all Americans will be relocated to Canada, and all guns will remain in the United States. While America will generally be a people-free gun reserve, guns will be able to have occasional visitors if they obtain a concealed person permit and undertake a training course in safely handling humans.

President Obama said obviously they couldn’t move the entire population all at once, so a staggered approach will be used. “We’ll start by moving all the NRA and Tea Party members to Canada and review things in a few years” smiled Obama.

Canadian reaction to the plan has been generally positive on account of the expected economic boost. However, the NRA argument ‘if someone carried out a mass killing with a baseball bat, it would be illogical to ban baseball bats’ has caused widespread alarm in the harp seal community.

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