The wages of sin is this face on our televisions forever.
Piers Morgan has been axed from CNN and will undoubtedly be returning to live and work in the UK. As most Britons consider packing a case and heading for the exits one Ukip councillor has blamed this latest blow to the nation’s morale on David Cameron and the legalisation of gay marriage. Continue reading
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All dead now: Evans wonders ‘is the Sound of Music happy now?’
Following the sad news that 99 year-old Maria Von Trapp has finally succumbed to The Sound of Music, health experts have called for a ban on all musicals.
Maria Von Trapp was the subject of a film about the nazi occupation of Austria, a film that would regularly and inexplicably burst into song. This not only threatened the lives of everyone that was associated with the production with its intolerable levels of irritation, but also won it the title ‘Worst War Movie of All Time’.
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Not a woodpecker in sight
Following speculation that their elaborately glamorous outfits were designed as a tax dodge, seventies band ABBA have now admitted that their real purpose was in fact to scare off crows and other wild birds.
ABBA’s stage clothes were famously extravagant, featuring sequinned jumpsuits, gravity-defying heels and in one case a fully-functioning windmill.
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Prince William’s quip about calling Dame Helen Mirren ‘granny’ when presenting her with a BAFTA Fellowship was so well received that William and Dame Helen will repeat the joke in a 30 venue UK tour.
A chuffed Prince William confided that he was very nervous before his intentional comedy debut but all the practise paid off when he got the jokes words in the right order and he remembered to smile at the end.
“I got the idea from watching Helen star as the Queen in “The Queen”. I thought, hey, my gran is actually the Queen and Helen plays the part of the Queen so she in effect is playing the part of my gran. So yeah, from there I thought I’d just flip them round and pretend that Helen was my gran when she is really just my aunt or something” said William.
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Like the band on the Titanic, Rooney says he now has enough reasons not to jump ship
After months of tough contract negotiations and threats to hand in a transfer request, Wayne Rooney has stumbled across 300,000 reasons a week to stay at Manchester United.
Currently on 250,000 reasons a week, the extra 50,000 reasons was enough for him to end speculation and finally sign a 5 year contract.
The striker and Shrek look-a-like said that even up to last week United’s position meant that the 250,000 reasons he had to stay were not enough, but he has now conceded that the extra few reasons he’s got are enough to convince him he loves the club and will remain loyal until he needs more reasons to stay. “Once a red, always a red” he said.
Comparing himself to the band on the Titanic, Rooney said he is willing to keep playing despite the sinking feeling on board at Old Trafford. “Its the right and moral thing to do,” he told reporters. “If that band had a contract worth £82.8m, I’m sure they would still be playing now.”
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Public are advised to avoid the album at all costs.
An album by Justin Bieber is facing prosecution after inflicting itself on an innocent driver.
The disparate collection of mp3 tracks, known collectively as ‘Believe’, caused the driver to deliberately drive into a wall.
“I was heading down the A34 minding my own business, doing the ‘steering wheel drums’ to a track by Bruce Springsteen”, said the victim, Derek Handley.
“Suddenly there was a terrible pain in my ears and my vision was clouded by a red mist. I’d been set upon by a youth, probably Bieber or One Direction”, said Handley.
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Producers at Channel 5 have been congratulated and thanked by the British public for the most secretive series of Big Brother yet.
The current run, which started just over a week ago, has some of today’s biggest names such as Jim Davidson and Lionel Blair yet has still managed to slip under the radar of even the most discerning youthful telly addicts.
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Italy’s ‘Black Pearl’ played for Chelsea United for many years
Next Saturday, Harold Thursday will pay its own unique tribute to footballing legend Eusébio da Silva Ferreira, known to soccer fans worldwide simply as ‘Silva’, who died over the weekend. Club Chairman, William ‘Supermack’ McKean explained “As soon as a few spectators arrive, there will be a ten minute rolling silence; except at the refreshment counter, which will be kept open as a mark of respect. We’ve got mince pies on two-for-one. Or three-for-two, if they’re still before the sell-by date.” Continue reading
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Fingers pointed at Mock The Week
As embittered former Home Secretary David Blunkett calls for satirical television programmes such as Mock The Week to face tougher scrutiny from libel lawyers, other sourpuss victims of the BBC show’s lazy humour are urging government media watchdogs to go further and investigate the ‘suspicious’ scoring system used by the BBC on the show.
An unlikely ‘Coalition of the Mocked’, including pop-star Justin Bieber, former deputy PM John Prescott and Muslim cleric Abu Hamza have called the show’s integrity into question and say that point scoring is arbitrary at best, and at worst could be fixed, which would ‘seriously undermine viewer trust in the Corporation’.
Media insiders say that the BBC, already reeling from the controversy over executive pay-offs and the Jimmy Savile scandals, will do anything to avoid another parliamentary enquiry and are doing their best to block this, but they could be powerless in the face of a damning dossier prepared by the group.
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Such fun!
A spokesmen for the Chinese companies said that traditional Christmas cracker jokes were suitable for ages 7 to 77, but only 7 year olds and 77 year olds actually found them hilarious. This was entirely deliberate as anything too funny at a Christmas dinner could be a choking hazard. By replacing the traditional jokes with Miranda jokes, the Chinese again hope to avoid messy lawsuits.
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He looks real to us. Ever so much more so than that whippersnapper he’s replacing.
There was violence on the streets of Harold this morning when Edward Wightman, a newcomer to the village, admitted that he didn’t believe in Doctor Who and said that the Christmas special was “just a story made up to entertain children and the credulous of any age”.
Almost at once he was seized upon by outraged villagers intent on taking him to the recreation ground and while their intentions were not quite clear we understand that they would have been rather messy and painful for Mr Wightman however once the crowd had formed it swiftly became riven with factions and violence broke out. Continue reading
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China may one day put a pyrotechnician on the moon.
A row has broken out between the US and China over a Christmas Day Special Event which was meant to be a surprise for everyone on Earth at Christmas.
The diplomatic row comes after NASA spotted China’s lunar robot placing Roman Candles around the edges of craters on the moon’s surface. China has complained that NASA just wanted to spoil the surprise because they didn’t think of it.
“The US hasn’t bothered with the moon for many moons,” said Yun-Tsi Tao, head of the Chinese Space Agency. “Now, all of a sudden, just because we put a robot up there, they’re all goggle-eyed and spoiling the surprise of the Supreme Leader’s gift to the rest of humankind at Christmas, a firework display on the waning gibbous.”
There were fears that the row could escalate after NASA observed the robot flatten the US flag placed on the moon by Neil Armstrong in 1969. But the situation was defused when the robot carefully put the flag upright again, apparently of its own volition. “We thought it had a moral conscience for a minute,” said NASA, “but, no. It nailed a Catherine Wheel on the flagpole.”
NASA has said it had no idea the fireworks were meant to be a surprise, claiming that most people could see what was going on up there with the naked eye. “I mean, I was looking through a pair of home-made binoculars that my 7-year-old made from a plastic kit,” said NASA spokesman Flt Lt Denver Colorado, “and I had no trouble reading the name of the factory printed on the fireworks. Boy, they’re big rockets!”
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Biggs – pictured shortly after his ‘death’
The authenticity of the news of the death of Great Train Robber, Ronnie Biggs, has been surrounded by mystery since the announcement of his demise so neatly ties in with the BBC mini-series screening of a drama about the ‘so called’ Great Train Robbery.
Having been released from prison on ‘compassionate grounds’, Biggs’ remarkable recovery from ‘death’s door’ in 2009 was bound to raise speculation that his current ‘death’ was no more than another publicity scam for one final payday from the BBC. Continue reading
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Agnes Brown pictured looking happier than Her Majesty ever does.
There have been howls of outrage from traditionalists this morning following the BBC’s announcement that it has scrapped the Queen’s Christmas Day speech in favour of one from Mrs Agnes Brown instead.
“We’re not dumbing down or chasing ratings,” said Tony Hall, Director General of the BBC. “Times are tough for a lot of people so we thought it would be more appropriate for them to be addressed by a feisty lower-class housewife with a twinkle in her eye rather than a fabulously rich monarch whose television manner is as cold as the battlements of the castle she’s filmed in.” Continue reading
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This is me good side. Youse can photoshop in me sad expression later.
Dear Mr Zuma,
Thank you for me invite to the Nelson Mandela memorial service. It is a great honour that you thought of me, although it’s no surprise that you did.
However, on this occasion I feel duty-bound to turn down yer kind and humble request. I can’t really take 100% of the credit for dismantling apartheid, although it would be fair to say I’m almost there with the ol’ poverty and what-not.
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Apparently only one of these people wilfully refuses to listen to any opposing views for comedic effect.
Ahead of a Panorama documentary to be broadcast tonight which will show that the charity Comic Relief has invested tens of millions of pounds in arms, alcohol and tobacco companies one prominent recipient of Comic Relief’s largesse has leapt to its defence.
The warlord known as Tony B has says that he got a lot out of his association with the red nose. Continue reading
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Henry has been accused of landing a sucker punch.
Well-known cleaning couple, Henry and Hetty Numatic, have filed for divorce amid shocking new revelations about their private lives. The new revelations follow the publication last week of an image showing Henry on the half-landing of their big house on the Dunstable Road with his electric cable wrapped round Hetty’s face.
“There was certainly a face-off,” said the editor of domestic servitude newsletter The Daily Maid. “He looked like he was trying to strangle her and when they were pulled apart, Hetty’s face came off. It took ages to snap it back on.”
Fortunately the damage was only cosmetic. “It’s nothing a bit of plastic surgery can’t fix,” said Henry, dismissing the strangling allegation as nothing more than ‘a cable entanglement incident’.
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F I L M R E V I E W
Mariella Buss-Stop gets to see The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
As an aficionado of all of films in the Hobbit franchise, I was delighted to attend the district premiere of the latest offering at the Harold Empire so I could catch up with the latest adventures of Bilbo, Frodo and Dildo.
Now, it could be down to the effects of a rather jolly lunch or tiredness from last night’s Christmas lock-in but I have to admit to finding the film rather confusing and from the moment I thought I recognised Tom Cruise as Shorty, one of the seven dwarves, I rather lost concentration. Continue reading
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It’s the frock on the right that really says massive financial inequality to us.
The venue for the Chancellor’s Autumn Statement this year will be the O2 Arena, Downing Street has announced. “The House of Commons is far too dreary a setting for the nation’s finest showing off their finest finery,” said artistic director, Nico Rubaiyat, “but in the O2, we can give The Statement the full son-et-lumiere makeover. I’m working with some beautiful pinks and oranges and there’s a bit of yellow in there too.” The show will be broadcast live on 5 December, simultaneously on BBC Parliament and Radio 1 Extra. Continue reading
Ah virginity, we remember it well.
This weekend Doctor Who fans across the country are gathering together to celebrate fifty years of being bullied and to watch the new episode of Doctor Who before endlessly debating whether it fits into canon or not with a humourlessness and attention to minute detail not seen since the Chilcot Inquiry.
“It’s a great moment,” lifelong ‘Whovian’ Stew Holden told us. “I’ve been bullied for loving Doctor Who since the seventies and here we are in 2013 still being mocked for being sad obsessives with no lives. Though Mum and Dad have promised to do that less from now on and in return I’ve promised to think about moving out before I’m fifty.” Continue reading
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