A 57 year old Harold man has gone to social media to highlight how his Valentine’s Day was ruined because of faulty flowers and chocolates purchased from the local Shell Station.
Local councillor Ron Ronsson says the flowers and chocolates seemed ok when he purchased them on the way home from the pub at 11pm on Valentine’s Day. But they deteriorated so badly on the 15 minute walk home that by the time he handed them to his wife, she threw them straight back in his face.
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Dating, Lifestyle, Sex
Lord Rennard relaxing inside a swan’s bottom
Nick Clegg is considering a radical overhaul of the legal system, to create a compromise somewhere between guilty and innocent.
‘The third way’ will be trialled on the completely innocent sex peer Lord Rennard, who may not have done anything wrong but should still be forced to apologise.
“Sometimes, the extremes of ‘guilty’ and ‘not guilty’ can be far too judgmental”, said Clegg. “And choosing one or the other can leave the defendant or prosecutor feeling a bit dis-empowered.”
“Isn’t it better to leave both parties equally disgruntled and confused? Shouldn’t justice be a ‘no score draw’? Of course it should, that’s the Liberal Democrat way.”
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Following on from his comments that gay people can “feel free in your relationship but leave the children alone”, man of the world and Russian president Vladimir Putin has been rolling out the rainbow carpet to all people from all over the Globe.
“I would like to extend the strong yet moisturised manly hand of friendship to everyone,” Putin told media.
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Hollande has experienced growth in certain areas.
Our reporter is at a press conference with the French President Francois Hollande. The President has stated he will not be drawn on the private matter of his alleged affair with a young actress:
Press: ‘Monsieur Hollande, your 75% higher tax rate looks set to reduce overall tax receipts, as the wealthy move their business interests to other European countries. Is political dogma more important than balancing the books?’
Hollande: ‘Please, please. It is too early to say qui will move in with qui, ou ‘ow much we might save dans les heating bills. That is a private matter between moi et un attractive actress 15 years plus younger than me. I want to focus dans le economy, not le exquisite firmness of her young, heaving bosom.’
Press: ‘The country’s credit rating was recently reduced for a second time. What are your plans to improve the cost of borrowing?
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Unknown interpreter enjoying post-ejaculatory cigarette
News outlets worldwide have been left red-faced today after it emerged that the man they assumed was the official sign language interpreter at Nelson Mandela’s memorial service was, in fact, merely standing next to the stage masturbating.
Viewers were at first confused that during President Obama’s address the man did not seem to be using recognised sign language, and this confusion was redoubled when it became apparent that the interpreter had removed his trousers and, giving up all pretence of communication, was frantically beating his male organ.
The Deaf Federation of South Africa told the BBC the man’s signs were “arbitrary”, “did not make sense”, and “he was clearly tugging himself off during the key points of the speech.” Continue reading
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Filed under International News, Politics, Sex
“Here it comes, commie swine!” “Take me, capitalist pig!”
President Barack Obama and Cuban President Raul Castro’s unexpected snog at Nelson Mandela’s memorial service was a completely spur-of-the-moment thing, the White House has said.
There had been fevered anticipation over the last few days over whether the leaders would be able to overcome their differences at the service and share a handshake, but few commentators expected the sudden mouth-on-mouth lunge of the two leaders. As world figures watched stunned, Obama and Castro mashed faces desperately for several minutes in a frenzy of tonsil-licking release.
In a statement later, the Cuban government said the gesture may show the “beginning of the end of the US capitalist aggressions”, and concluded “He may be an imperialist running dog, but hubba hubba!” Continue reading
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Henry has been accused of landing a sucker punch.
Well-known cleaning couple, Henry and Hetty Numatic, have filed for divorce amid shocking new revelations about their private lives. The new revelations follow the publication last week of an image showing Henry on the half-landing of their big house on the Dunstable Road with his electric cable wrapped round Hetty’s face.
“There was certainly a face-off,” said the editor of domestic servitude newsletter The Daily Maid. “He looked like he was trying to strangle her and when they were pulled apart, Hetty’s face came off. It took ages to snap it back on.”
Fortunately the damage was only cosmetic. “It’s nothing a bit of plastic surgery can’t fix,” said Henry, dismissing the strangling allegation as nothing more than ‘a cable entanglement incident’.
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Microsoft researchers have designed a “smart bra” which is so advanced that it can actually be removed by male video game enthusiasts and sport fans.
The prototype is made from patent graphene “NoStick” fabric and has a rear clasp based on the new XBox controller for added thumb gripability.
The aim was to find out if wearable technology could reduce the average time taken for men to unhook and remove ladies’ underwear from ‘forever’ to something more in keeping with today’s busy lifestyles.
Testing in real-life scenarios with specially fitted crash test shop window dummies has proved encouraging, with several male volunteers managing to remove the bras from at least one shoulder inside three weeks. Progress has been slowed by the unexpected tendency for the dummies to eventually grow disheartened with the whole experience, feign headaches and form attachments to each other.
As expected by today’s consumers, the smart bra contains a host of other high-tech wizardry. A discreet LCD display slides out of the underwired front panels when the masculine removal attempt begins, allowing the female wearer to while away the time watching episodes of Downton Abbey as the male fumbles behind her. Road tests of this feature were inconclusive however, with experts predicting that a fifth series may be required before complete removal.
Kevin Planck, chief programmer on the team, spoke to journalists of his excitement over the cutting edge underwear: “It’s amazing! The bra has an embedded electrocardiogram as well as a gyroscope and accelerometer, this thing could put a man on the moon!” Before adding wistfully: “It’s just such a shame that I’m unlikely to ever see one for real.”
Members of ‘Harold’s Pedants’ Association’ have voted overwhelmingly to call for a ban on pornography in the village until levels of grammar in the specialist movies have improved.
Tyrone (Ty) Tars, leader of the group told us: “Whether enjoying as a couple or as a solo activity, concentrating on the finer nuances of the adult film genre is made almost impossible by grammatical errors you only expect from a greengrocer.
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Personal delivery service – can come to yours. Apply: Dimon Selaney (still not my real name) 01998 254788
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See me after the lesson …
With the end of the summer holidays fast approaching, the traditional ‘Back to School’ range for schoolchildren has been joined in the nation’s shops with a range of clothing for teachers wishing to freshen up their wardrobe for the start of term.
‘The leading stores have done their maths homework and realised that there is a market of 500,000 teachers out there’ said merchandising expert, Danny Foster, ‘so it is no surprise that they have latched on to this market.
Whilst the perennial ‘Geog Teacher’ range, featuring a brown cord jacket and elbow patches, remains a popular classic it has been joined by a number of more exciting, racier items as teachers try to identify with reluctant teenage learners. Continue reading
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Pope attributes his softening to age.
Pope Francis has revealed a softening on the Vatican’s homosexual position, insisting ‘you shouldn’t knock it until you’ve at least given it a try’.
Reflecting changing views in society and a new, more fluffy form of catholicism, the 266th Pope admitted he was partial to the odd ‘pink pound’.
“It’s a question of balance and including as many people as possible”, suggested His Holiness. “I’d be glad to be gay, although I draw the line at letting someone pop it in.”
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We’re going in…
The nail-biting wait for the Duchess of Cambridge’s baby has proven too much for a a rag-tag bunch of mavericks, who have sworn to “go in there and get that damn baby out, or die in the attempt”.
Bruce Willis, Liam Neeson and Sylvester Stallone announced at a press conference this morning that they “were not prepared to sit here doing nothing any longer”, and are therefore planning an immediate raid into the inner depths of the royal womb to get the baby out, “whatever it takes”.
“Don’t try and stop us,” insisted Willis to horrified journalists, “We’re going in. And we don’t care how messy it gets. Yippee-ki-yay, Mother.”
Medical experts insisting that the pregnancy should be allowed to run its natural course were dismissed as “typical commie liberal do-nothing handwringers” by Willis, who pointed out that this was exactly the kind of nay-saying objection he experienced before his mission against a gigantic asteroid in the movie Armageddon.
Stallone was just as quick to overrule any suggestion that it might be tricky for three beefy men to gain entrance to Kate’s vagina, not least when tooled up with the impressive array of ropes, spotlights and specialist diving equipment they are planning to use.
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Filed under Lost and Found, Medicine, Royals, Sex, Travel
It’s what he goes to school for
Distraught Harold teenager, Simon Delaney has spoken out on the very serious subject of male school pupils being sexually harassed by their female teachers.
“Nothing,” he said glumly. “I’d get more action from teachers if I was at Hogwarts and half the staff there are ****ing ghosts.” Continue reading
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