In his fist newspaper interview since his wife gave birth to baby George, Prince William has described to a world full of Mothers and Fathers what it is like to be a parent.
Speaking about the first nappy change, William explained how he coped with the experience. “I found that it is harder than it looks, and it took me quite some time to remember the nanny’s number. That said, once I had summoned her she was very good. She even let us leave the room so we could avoid any nasty odours.”
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Filed under International News, News, Royals
Elvis after eating the evidence
In what will be seen as an embarrassment to the original investigating officers, it appears that obvious clues were missed such as a 70s jumpsuit, a tub of brylcreem, and 15 jars of peanut butter. A re-examination of CCTV evidence showed that a street sweeper known only as “Sivle” smeared a brylcreem and peanut butter concoction at the entrance of the tunnel causing Diana’s vehicle to slide uncontrollably and then crash.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, International News, Royals
Queen ‘may form one’s own band’ to record new anthem
Buckingham Palace confirmed today that the Queen has commissioned a new National Anthem following Mo Farah’s medal ceremony in Moscow. “Enough is enough!” she stormed as the tune’s last notes faded away in Moscow, throwing her hat across the room at the TV but hitting a sleeping Corgi instead.
“Do you know how often one’s heard that dirge?” the rant continued “At least 78,532 bloody times! Ronnie Biggs only got 30 years and then got out early, the crafty sod. But it’s over 60 years with no musical parole in sight for ER2. Doesn’t this breach one’s human-rights? We objected to the yanks playing the same thing over & over to their Guantanamo guests didn’t we? Mind you, that was Metallica.”
“One will tell you what though. If Brian May gets himself up on the Palace roof again and even thinks about playing it, Philip will definitely give him both barrels. It was all one could do to stop him last time.”
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Filed under Culture, Entertainment, Royals
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have finally named the ‘royal baby’ George Alexander Louis after arguing over a suitable name. The arguments revolved around the length of the third-in-line to the throne’s first name.
In his continuing efforts to modernise the monarchy the Duke wanted to be seen driving his new family home himself, has changed two nappies to give their nanny a rest and is now going to get his child’s name tattooed onto his forearm.
“The idea of getting a tattoo has been set for a while but William is a bit of a wimp”, royal watcher Nicholas Witchell told us. “Catherine always wanted a Bartholomew, Montgomery or Slartibartfast, but he had his heart set on something short and relatively painless to ink such as Bob, Jon or 3.”
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Filed under International News, News, Politics, Royals
The cynical expression of someone who doesn’t give a rat’s arse about the Prince of Cambridge. That’s because she cares about real issues, sheeple. She cares.
In an emergency session this morning Harold council changed village law to allow the slapping of anti-Royal statistics bores.
“Something had to be done,” said Mayor Rufus D. Jackson. “Since eight thirty last night a small minority of Haroldites have been intent on implying that anyone who is happy that Kate’s finally had it, and is enjoying a diversion from the normal god-awful depressing news is an idiot. So now we’ve changed the law to allow ordinary Haroldites to very mildly make their displeasure known.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Royals
Here are ten more lesser known facts about the royal birth
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Filed under International News, News, Royals
Kate may be stripped of the ‘Royal Heir Makers’ yellow jersey
Buckingham Palace have confirmed that the Duchess of Cambridge has given birth to a baby boy. However, the validity of her labour, and subsequently the baby’s claim to be third in line to the throne have been called into question after initial indications show Kate has failed a doping test.
“We are still waiting for the results from a ‘B’ sample to come back from the lab, but we are sure she gave birth under the influence of pain killers, nitrous oxide and other ‘performance enhancing drugs’” a spokesman for the World Anti-Doping Agency told reporters.
“If the tests are confirmed, she will be stripped of the royal heir makers yellow jersey and receive a world-wide four-year ban from producing babies for any other royal family.”
The news comes just after Chris Froome became the record-breaking second successive clean winner of the Tour De France.
Kensington Palace has denied all claims of doping during the birth and promised to appeal any ban handed down from WADA.
“We are as shocked as anyone else at this result, and promise to conduct a full, internal investigation” the royal gynaecologist told us.
“We are sure she has not willingly taken any substance, but are looking into the possibility a cup of Earl Grey consumed during labour may either have been contaminated with diamorphine, or inadvertently given her an epidural.”
The Palace’s denial of deliberate doping may be questionable as witnesses in the Lindo wing say they heard a female voice scream “Stop prancing round in that f***ing pilot’s uniform and get me some f***ing drugs, NOW.”
In line with drug cheat tradition, we are expecting an easel with the very important announcement of an interview booking to be placed outside Oprah Winfrey’s house.
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Filed under News, Royals, science, Uncategorized
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July 21, 2013 · 5:44 pm
Kate models her pillow
A tearful Kate said that the constant media pressure about producing an heir had got too much for her, and when journalists quizzed her about being pregnant after she had put on a couple of pounds, she thought it was simplest to just agree.
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We’re going in…
The nail-biting wait for the Duchess of Cambridge’s baby has proven too much for a a rag-tag bunch of mavericks, who have sworn to “go in there and get that damn baby out, or die in the attempt”.
Bruce Willis, Liam Neeson and Sylvester Stallone announced at a press conference this morning that they “were not prepared to sit here doing nothing any longer”, and are therefore planning an immediate raid into the inner depths of the royal womb to get the baby out, “whatever it takes”.
“Don’t try and stop us,” insisted Willis to horrified journalists, “We’re going in. And we don’t care how messy it gets. Yippee-ki-yay, Mother.”
Medical experts insisting that the pregnancy should be allowed to run its natural course were dismissed as “typical commie liberal do-nothing handwringers” by Willis, who pointed out that this was exactly the kind of nay-saying objection he experienced before his mission against a gigantic asteroid in the movie Armageddon.
Stallone was just as quick to overrule any suggestion that it might be tricky for three beefy men to gain entrance to Kate’s vagina, not least when tooled up with the impressive array of ropes, spotlights and specialist diving equipment they are planning to use.
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Filed under Lost and Found, Medicine, Royals, Sex, Travel
After the paint dried, most of the press went home
Evening Harold reporter Gavin Smith said after two days camped outside St Mary’s, the general feeling amongst the assembled press was that waiting for the Royal baby was like watching paint dry. But that was until they noticed some paint actually drying.
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After tests, we can confirm that the tumble weed is not related to the royal family.
After a nine month wait, newspapers, television news, internet sites all over the world and now the Evening Harold can confirm that nothing has happened in the royal baby story.
“There was a lady who pulled up in what we believe was a car, and made her way into the maternity ward” our reporter for the Evening Harold at the hospital said. “She was large, screaming and out of breath. Early reports suggest she was pregnant but not the Duchess of Cambridge.”
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Filed under International News, News, Royals
Young royals warned not to sheikh the baby
Following today’s launch of ‘The Sun’s royal baby monitor’, a live camera feed from outside St Mary’s Hospital, the News Group (formally News International) paper has announced how they are going to use their unique reporting methods to bring unrivalled access to the royal birth.
“Great reporters, amazing technology, and dubious moral values mean we can bring you the royal birth from the first contraction right through to long lens picture of the royal baby’s first suckle” editor David Dinsmore told readers. Continue reading
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Filed under International News, News, Politics, Royals
The 700 week run of “free porn” being the UK’s most popular Google search has unexpectedly ended in the run-up to the royal birth, with “how to explain a ginger baby” now taking the top spot. The battle for number one was very close until a number of frenzied searches from Kensington Palace finally saw a new champion.
When quizzed by journalists at his air force base, Prince William expressed considerable surprise at the result, commenting that he had personally searched for “free porn” a number of times that week.
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Yesterday the Lord Chief Justice upheld the block on the publication of letters from Prince Charles to various Whitehall ministers saying that the public does not have the right to know the details of his attempts to influence government policy.
We are defying the law and publishing a selection of Prince Charles’ letters over the years. Let’s just be grateful that this one is content with writing. Prince Philip seriously believed that he should be allowed to participate in Cabinet meetings which we’re sure would have led to some jaw-dropping foreign policies, especially when Enoch Powell was a minister. Continue reading
The only bush to be shaped with wax strips
There were blushes at the annual Harold Flower Show yesterday, when it was realised that the winning entry for the bush topiary section had been created from the pubic hair of the successful gardener’s wife.
Jane Fondant, leader of the local Women’s Institute and sponsor of the prize, admitted that the entry was within competition rules. “There was nothing to say that the entry had to be fashioned from the green foliage of a bush; but naturally we were thinking of a shrub rather than Mrs Kennedy’s nether regions. Things have changed a lot in the WI since Calendar Girls, and we are keen to embrace, as it were, anything that distances us from the old jam and Jerusalem image.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, Royals
Traditional bodyguards keep watchful eye on royal beef curtains
The Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton has elected for a media birth, according to palace officials.
Like many young mums-to-be, Kate had a lot of choices to make for her ‘birth plan’, with some advisors suggesting an exclusive ‘push’ in Hello!, OK! or Pregnant MILFs!.
Editors have been scrubbing their arms and donning gowns they found on ebay, in the hope of getting a glimpse inside our future Queen.
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Nelson Mandela, the 94 year old Greek-born Duke of South Africa, is once again in hospital with a serious lung infection. South Africans are holding their breath, worried that the pivotal figure in their nation’s history may not be around too much longer.
Mandela, the ex-consort of mother of the nation Winnie Mandela, has always loyally supported his wives and diligently carried out both official and charity engagements. But he has really endeared himself to the public by showing his human side with frequent gaffes, and by being a little bit racist.
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The naked version of Henry VIII always rose to the occasion.
Historian Dan Cruickshank has denied ‘dumbing down’ in his new series, ‘A Nuddy History of Britain’.
“If we’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that people remember the naked bits”, he frothed. “The naked bits, and the violent and bloody deaths.”
Cruickshank hastily re-edited a pilot show for his new project, which explored complex family trees, socio-economics and the inherent political injustice of the day. Instead, the show now features writhing, sweating bodies, several gallons of baby oil and rubber masks that look a bit like famous royals.
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Previously crowned ‘king of Europe’ Fergie takes on a smaller challenge
Sir Alex Ferguson has announced his retirement from football today, positioning himself to take over managing the country from the Queen.
“I see Prince Charles is being sent to the commonwealth meeting in the Queen’s place to prepare him” Fergie told reporters. “These other countries need a leader they can trust and take seriously, so I will go with him.”
This move has led to speculation that not even the Queen can trust the Prince of Wales to take on the role as head of state when the time comes. Insiders at the palace have denied that claim, but with Sir Alex expected to sit beside the Queen during the state opening of Parliament, the rumours continue.
Earlier there were conflicting reports. Some had suggested he was going to take the top job at Reading FC, but the ‘royals’ he is going to manage turned out to be the Windsors.
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