Category Archives: Politics

by | March 23, 2016 · 4:47 am

Osborne achieves impossible and makes Iain Duncan Smith look like Jesus

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Fwends

MPs yesterday beheld a miracle as George Osborne refused to apologise for his budget balls-up with such arrogance he made Iain Duncan Smith seem like Jesus in his compassion and morality.

“No apology needed,” Osborne barked. “My budget looks after those who need protecting most i.e wealthy Tory pensioners. So what if it was an attack on the disabled. You say disabled, I say not pulling your socks up, and in some cases going so far as to claim you can’t put your socks on, and getting out to work.” Continue reading →

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by | March 22, 2016 · 7:00 am

Pro-EU UKIPpers “gagged” in run-up to referendum, say sources

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Is there something worrying lurking beneath something worrying?

“UKIP claims their members are one in purpose” says Newsnight’s Emily Maitlis “but it beggars belief that they all think the same on a matter as important as the EU referendum”.

A BBC Newsnight investigation, to be screened on Wednesday, reveals a likely conspiracy amongst leading members of UKIP. While other parties allow their parliamentary party free rein to support the “In” and “Out” campaigns according to their conscience, Maitlis notes that “UKIPs MP remains suspiciously unanimous in his support for leaving the EU”. Continue reading →

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by | March 21, 2016 · 10:26 am

If this is a Tory civil war, imagine what it will be like when it gets nasty

Cameron Popcorn sales have soared as the British public sit back in their armchairs to watch the Tories tear each other apart, hopefully literally.

“It’s great entertainment, think ‘the Hunger Games’, but for older, fat people” beamed life-long socialist and Harold Café owner Pippa Delaney. “And there’s no petty backstabbing, they’re all going straight for each other’s hearts – good luck if they can find one!”
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by | March 19, 2016 · 8:00 am

Man with no moral compass accidentally finds moral high ground

Duncan SmithIain Duncan Smith resigned as Work and Pensions Secretary because his preferred option of boiling pensioners down to soap was rejected, it can be revealed.

Panicked voters who initially thought Mr Duncan Smith had developed a social conscience were relieved to find it was all a simple misunderstanding, and it was just that Mr Duncan Smith disliked old people even more than he disliked disabled people.
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by | March 12, 2016 · 3:37 pm

Trump will get anti-Trump protesters to build a wall, in time for next rally

trump-i_surrender

“AGH! DON’T SHOOT. ME SURRENDER!”

Top US bungletwunt, Donald Trump has promised to have a protester-proof security wall built in time for his next campaign rally.

“I’m going to make the protestors build it, yeah!” Trump smugged, noddingly. Responding to suggestions that this might prove difficult to arrange, he said “You know what? The wall just got ten foot higher! Yeah?”

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by | March 10, 2016 · 9:13 am

‘Vote to stay in EU or I’ll post a naked selfie’, threatens Cameron

'Project Fear' turns to 'Project Pure Terror'

‘Project Fear’ turns to ‘Project Pure Terror’

The consequences of a Brexit just got more serious after David Cameron said he’ll do a Kim Kardashian and post a naked selfie if Britain votes to leave the EU.

For many Brexit fans, ‘Project Fear’ has now become ‘Project Pure Terror’.

“Shit’s just got real” said local headmaster Clive Morris. “A Cameron nude selfie might not break the internet, but it would certainly leave it rather soiled.”
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by | March 8, 2016 · 1:45 pm

Boris apologises for being found out

boris

“… I must just splutter, look bemused, and tousle my hair for a bit”

Ego-warrior Boris Johnson has reversed a ban on his Mayor of London staff opposing Brexit, which appeared to reveal him as a massive hypocrite. He also offered his sincere apologies to anyone who’d foolishly thought him a man of unimpeachable integrity.

“As soon as I knew I’d been rumbled Continue reading →

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by | March 7, 2016 · 7:00 am

Minimum-wage earners ‘delighted’ by Osborne pensions U-turn

Pity him, for he knows not what he does

Are you thinking what he’s thinking? Shame on you!

Low-paid workers are celebrating the UK Chancellor’s decision not to end tax relief on pension contributions.

“I was sick with worry, about it,” said Carly Jeffery, a Teaching Assistant from the English village of Harold “so this is a great weight off my mind.”

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by | March 2, 2016 · 7:00 am

Cherie Blair announces she’s going to be Prime Minister

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Truly, they are the best of us

Annoyed by Hillary Clinton’s success in the primaries making her and Bill the ultimate power couple, Cherie Blair has announced that she will become Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

“Of course it’s a done deal,” she snapped at reporters. “Deals is how Tony and I do everything. Massive bungs from dictators across the globe, ta very muchly.” Continue reading →

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by | March 1, 2016 · 7:00 am

Public beg Tories to stop wearing Hi Vis vests

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We’d feel less patronised if they wore robes and laurel wreaths

The UK has united to plead with the government to stop arsing around in Hi Vis vests and pointing at things.

“It’s just horrible,” said local mechanic Sean Pavey. “They look far too excited doing it because for them it’s literally playing fancy dress, isn’t it? George Osborne in particular gives off a horrible whiff of ‘Cor, I’m being one of the lads’ before cutting training and apprenticeships so real lads, and girls, have less and less of a chance of actually doing the jobs that require safety clothes.” Continue reading →

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by | February 26, 2016 · 6:00 pm

Cameron fights back with Brstayin campaign.

Briton in europe

Artist’s impression of Britton in Europe

Following his latest political kick in the nuts from Michael Howard earlier today, David Cameron has attempted to counter Brexit’s growing momentum by launching the Brstayin campaign.

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by | February 24, 2016 · 7:00 am

“They’re not freeloading warmongers so what’s the point?”: Blair admits he’s ‘baffled’ by Corbyn and Sanders

Tony Blair

He is never, ever, going to go away especially not to the Hague

Friend to dictators everywhere and queen of people’s hearts, Tony Blair, has claimed that he is baffled by the success of Jeremy Corbyn and Bernie Sanders.

“It makes no sense to me,” said the perma-tanned god botherer. “Neither of them are in politics to make as much money for themselves as they can and neither of them have a grasping wife who fills her boots to the very brim too. I mean, come on, what’s the point if you’re not out for everything you can get?” He went on to criticise Corbyn’s policies. “Free tuition fees: well, that’s great, but someone’s going to have pay for it. An end to war, but there are wars. Mainly because I start them.” Continue reading →

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by | February 21, 2016 · 9:10 am

EU vote means terrifying choice between something supported by David Cameron and something supported by Iain Duncan Smith

tweedle dumb or tweedle dumber?

tweedle dumb or tweedle dumber?

The horrifying realisation they will have to choose between something supported by David Cameron and something supported by Iain Duncan Smith has put most people in the UK off their breakfast.

People thinking of voting to stay in the EU are worried they will be seen to be supporting hands-free interactions with pigs, while potential Brexit voters don’t want to give the impression they agree ‘fit to work’ means ‘currently breathing, or warm enough so resuscitation is still possible’.
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by | February 12, 2016 · 7:00 am

Jeremy Hunt ‘confident’ new NHS contracts will influence staff morale

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Hunt: “I’ve been listening” Junior Doctors: “The voices in your own head don’t count!”

Jeremy Hunt says his decision to impose a new junior doctors’ contract was primarily intended to make a difference to NHS industrial relations.

“When I took over from Andrew Lansley, some people in the NHS, who really should have known better, told me that staff morale couldn’t get any lower. But since then, I’ve gone that extra mile – Monday to Friday, school term times only – and proved those naysayers wrong.” Continue reading →

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by | February 9, 2016 · 10:30 am

‘How would Thatcher vote on Brexit?’ to be resolved by séance

thatcher

” Oh no, she’s still alive isn’t she?”

EU ‘inners’ and ‘outers’ have both prayed in aid the late  Margaret Thatcher, leaving many uncertain about which way she wants them to vote.

Norman Tebbit who’s cadaverous appearance lends weight to his claim to know Mrs Thatcher’s current views, has been widely quoted across all news media, dismissing claims that she would vote Continue reading →

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by | February 8, 2016 · 11:28 am

Prison suicide rates disappointingly low says Cameron “We can do much better.”

cameronpointing

You there, just stop it. Pfft, this rehabilitation is a piece of piss

An array of prisoner rehabilitation schemes, that won’t actually happen, has been announced by David Cameron. These won’t begin later this year, in several poorly managed pilots.

“Evidence shows that carefully planned, targeted  initiatives can reduce reoffending.” said the PM “Putting them into practice costs money though, so we’re just going to talk about them instead for publicity, which costs us nothing … this is my best side, thanks.”

“Think of this as the criminal justice system’s Northern Powerhouse or Troubled Families Programme; it will get lots of  attention but won’t really exist. Continue reading →

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by | February 5, 2016 · 7:00 am

MP with £400K extra earnings kept apology to 49 seconds, as he was ‘a bit strapped for time’

Cock, with a lot to smile about

A Tory MP who totally accidentally forgot to record £400K of extra-parliamentary bunce, says “It completely slipped my mind.”

Geoffrey Cox had referred himself to the Commissioner in October, as soon as the unfortunate oversight came to light.

Look, I’m a busy QC.” he explained, patiently “It’s a very important role, which rightly takes up a huge amount of my time. I can’t be expected to remember all the petty rules of my part-time MP job. Anyway, I’m not there that much so, when I am, I have to focus on claiming expenses.”

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by | February 4, 2016 · 3:15 pm

PM explains robbing disabled people’s Motability is being fair to the rich

cameronpointing

You there, do you really need those crutches?

David Cameron has stopped tens of thousands of disabled people getting Motability transport as it’s unfair to rich people like himself.

“Some of us rich people like hoovering up public funds for our own families. Others are fat but receive no help getting into our big cars and Motability savings could pay for a whole fleet of gut winches. Once they’ve been invented.”

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by | February 3, 2016 · 7:00 am

Cameron: “It’s a piece of paper in our time!”

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Unfortunately my copy seems to have been written in lemon juice

A jubilant David Cameron waved a hard-fought for contract in the air yesterday proclaiming “It’s a piece of paper, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!”

The PM used a visit to UK-based but German-owned firm as a metaphor for the new EU relationship he has hammered out.

“Unfortunately, my copy seems to have been written in lemon juice but I can remember it almost word for word, Continue reading →

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by | January 29, 2016 · 9:05 am

Google launches driverless government in UK

google cameron

No hands on the wheel!

After months of testing, tax-avoiding giant Google has launched the first fully-driverless government, in which all the difficult decisions are taken out of the hands of error-prone politicians.

For the first time, actions usually associated with running a country will instead be remotely controlled by Google, meaning a huge reduction in errors such as trying to claim unpaid corporation tax.

“Even the best politician is liable to make mistakes,” explained a Google spokesperson. “And in the worst cases, these errors can result in significant damage to our profits.”

“Now with the driverless government, all the decision making can be left to us, safe in the knowledge that we know what’s best. For us.”

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