Category Archives: News

by | March 11, 2015 · 12:32 pm

Lenny Henry quits: “It’s time for someone else to benefit from Comic Relief”

Lenny celebrates with stereotypical yellow duck

Lenny celebrates with stereotypical yellow duck

As Comic Relief celebrates 30 years of raising funds for deserving causes by threatening the nation’s television viewers with mild humour, two of its stalwarts have announced their retirement from the cause saying it’s time for others to step forward and benefit from the profile raising free publicity.

Former comedian, Lenny Henry, says he has a lot to thank Comic Relief for, having seen his status rise from token black guy on Tiswas to token twenty stone black guy advertising Premier Inn’s all- you-can-eat-breakfasts. Continue reading →

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by | March 10, 2015 · 1:35 pm

Apple self-winding watch ‘goes flat the moment you stop masturbating’

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A new ‘smart’ watch from Apple that harnesses kinetic energy from frenetic hand movements stops functioning ‘the moment you stop abusing yourself’, according to reports.

Apple claims that the tiny device has a standby time ‘over 25 seconds’, but some testers have found it to be less than ‘half a stroke’ in practice.
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by | March 8, 2015 · 1:07 pm

Selma Police celebrate 1965 march by shooting President Obama

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It’s hard to tell, Chief. In black and white they don’t all look the same

After dozens of people including the President were shot, Selma’s Police Chief, Pete Garbut, explained his tough stance on this weekend’s civil rights march re-enactment.

“Give an inch and they’ll take a mile. You’re too young to remember this, but black protesters have marched across this bridge once before and last time it all ended in tears … yes OK, that may have been the riot gas.”

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by | · 12:36 am

British-born jihadists using Syria as a tax haven

Opening a tax return form from HMRC HMRC has waded into the war on terrorism claiming that many of the British-born jihadists are basing themselves in Syria as part of a global tax dodging scheme.

“Fundraising for IS, al-Qaeda or Boko Haram is not only morally wrong, but by moving their jihadi activity offshore they are effectively robbing the treasury of some much-needed revenue,” the Taxpayers’ Alliance said

“How can we stop radicalisation if these terrorists aren’t paying their dues?”
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by | March 6, 2015 · 2:45 pm

Fernando Alonso’s beard woke up from accident “thinking it was 1975”

Alonso's beard woke up decades in the past

Alonso’s beard woke up decades in the past

Following his high speed accident in Barcelona last week, stylists have revealed Fernando Alonso’s beard woke up thinking it was 1975.

A proud wearer of facial fluff, Alonso went into turn 3 at the Circuit De Barcelona-Catalunya with a bit of morning stubble, but after colliding with a wall his beard came out having seemingly forgotten the past 40 years and slipped into a 70’s style.
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by | · 12:03 pm

Hall and Oates to sue over breakfast cereal named ‘Turgid Shyte’

hallandoatesHall and Oates are suing a cereal firm, claiming its ‘Turgid Shyte’ breakfast mix infringes their copyright.

The case accuses the Tuneless Krap Foods Company of breaking the law with its “obvious play on Daryl Hall and John Oates’ well-known musical style”.

‘Turgid Shyte’ is a nut-free cereal made from maple syrup and oats, described by its makers as a “back-to-basics flavour with all the empty pomposity of bland middle-of-the-road Eighties soul-lite”.

Hall and Oates started working together in the early 1970s, and have become one of the most successful duos in pop history.

Their hits include Maneater, I Can’t Go for That (No Rice Krispies),  and Honey Bunches of Oats with Chocolate Clusters.

The duo protects its brand identity vigorously, and only recently forced a cigarette company to stop using the brand “Middle-Aged Waankers”

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by | March 2, 2015 · 11:00 am

Jihadi John was our best ever traffic warden recalls Council

JJOfficials in the revenue protection department of Croydon Borough Council have been reminiscing about their former colleague Mohammed Emwazi who has been identified as vicious ISIS killer Jihadi John.

“Quite simply, Mo was the most successful traffic warden we ever had,” said his former boss, Eric Braithwaite. “He zealously carried out his duties with a fervour that bordered upon fanaticism which did wonders for the Council coffers.”

“Mo had a hypnotic glint in his eye which made motorists generously hand over cash far in excess of any incurred parking penalties,” he continued. “Of course, he realised that he wasn’t universally popular, which was apparently the reason he always carried a machete. Continue reading →

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by | · 2:16 am

Prince William arrives in China to see how ‘new royal baby’ merchandise is coming along

rs_560x415-130624152710-1024.RoyalBaby14.mh.062413Prince William has arrived in China to help strengthen trading ties with the UK, and to see how the ‘new royal baby’ merchandise is coming along.

Visiting a sweatshop on the outskirts of Beijing, the second in line to the throne inspected a new range of plates, tea towels, and baby lizard toys that should be ready in time for the birth of his second child.

Speaking at the sweatshop, wearing a high visibility protective line of bodyguards, the Duke of Cambridge commended the employees on their work ethic.

“I’m grateful these workers are putting in 18 hour days in appalling conditions just to put my wife’s face on a plate” the prince said. “George had only just starting walking at their age”
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by | February 28, 2015 · 4:40 pm

Putin’s investigation into opponent’s assassination concludes it was Professor Plum, in the library, with the lead pipe

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Vladimir Putin’s wide ranging and extensive investigation has concluded the murder of ex deputy prime minister and his political opponent Boris Nemtsov was probably carried out by Professor Plum, in the Library, with the lead pipe.

Speaking to reporters, Mr Putin said: “I have looked at all of the clues, all the evidence and had a sneak peak at the special envelope containing the cards and it all points to it being Professor Plum and definitely not the KGB, from the Kremlin, with a Kalashnikov. Continue reading →

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by | February 27, 2015 · 9:12 am

World finally gives up and starts debating the colour of a dress

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The world has officially thrown in the towel today with the threat of terrorism, corrupt politicians and a dodgy banking sector and decided to just concentrate on the colour of a dress.

Social media, which has been traditionally been a healthy mix of cats and memes with debate on the biggest issues facing us, pulled the plug on giving a shit any more as more and more users put their opinion on the precise shades used in a dress.
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by | · 9:10 am

Ed Miliband to fund reduction in tuition fees with sponsored fun run

Miliband in his "idiot" costume

Miliband in his “idiot” costume

Ed Miliband is to set out Labour’s plans to cut university tuition fees, funded by a sponsored fun run around the area of Westminster.

Universities UK has warned that limiting the fees to £6,000 per year, instead of the current £9,000, would leave a £10bn funding gap. Mr Miliband, however, is confident that he can raise this figure by asking people to sponsor him to run 5 miles around the streets of Westminster, while dressed as an idiot with a severely limited grasp of economics.  Continue reading →

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by | February 24, 2015 · 11:32 am

Qatar’s slave labour grateful to have unbearably hot summer to finish stadia

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Qatar’s slave labour has said it welcomes FIFA’s recommendation that the 2022 World Cup should be held a few months later than normal, giving them more chance of them finishing the stadia on time, and therefore less chance of having their Human Rights violated for being late.
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by | February 23, 2015 · 7:12 pm

Jeremy Clarkson and Katie Hopkins: which one is the other in drag?

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Um….Jeremy?

 

He’s a git who has a column in the Murdoch press and found fame on the BBC and she’s a git who has a column in the Murdoch press and found fame on the BBC. Inescapable will-have-controversial-opinions-for-food mongers Katie Hopkins and Jeremy Clarkson have never been seen together causing many to wonder if they’re actually the same person. Continue reading →

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by | February 21, 2015 · 1:51 pm

All-night tubes will solve London’s housing crisis, says Boris Johnson

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Lots of space and centrally located. Who could ask for anything more?

London, a city that currently has as many affordable houses as Kanye West has humble thoughts, is to offer a new living solution to those who aren’t swimming in coin when the tube begins running a twenty-four hour service.

“There are people out there too lazy to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, earn a decent wage and buy a house,” said Boris Johnson. “But anyone can afford an Oyster card. And once on the tube permanent commuters, or ‘pooters’ as we’ll be branding them in a series of charming cartoons voiced by Joanna Lumley and David Walliams, can enjoy a luxury moving home right in the heart of our fabulous Qatari-owned capital.” Continue reading →

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by | February 19, 2015 · 12:31 pm

John Terry angry UKIP taking the glory for Chelsea’s ‘Champions League racist’ achievement

Terry is said to be unhappy with UKIP taken all the glory for his racists

Terry is said to be unhappy with UKIP taken all the glory for his racists

Chelsea captain, occasional racist and former stealer of his team mates’ girlfriends and Champions League glory John Terry has spoken out at his dismay after UKIP appear to have taken a story about some racist Chelsea fans on a train and make it all about them.

“Why can’t we be allowed to have our racists splashed all over the papers without UKIP trying to get in on the act,” Terry explained.  Continue reading →

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by | February 16, 2015 · 6:30 am

Skunks banned from UK zoos lest they inspire drug use

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“Hungry and homeless, please help”

Theresa May has confirmed this morning that skunks are being kicked out of UK zoos to combat drug use.

“Science has shown that skunk cannabis can have a serious impact on mental health,” said the Home Secretary, as she waved a report that she wouldn’t let anyone else look at properly. “Science! So we’re tackling this problem head on by removing skunks from public view and as a further precaution to address the use of other types of cannabis we’re outlawing corned beef hash plus any vegetarian alternatives bearing the hash name.” Continue reading →

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by | February 15, 2015 · 2:03 pm

Isis leader says end goal is a Caliphate of one

lego-terrorist

We don’t know who created this Lego Islamic extremist but our hat is off to them

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, leader of Isis, has said that his end goal is a global Caliphate consisting of himself.

“Once I’ve excluded/killed women, everyone who’s LGBT, Jews, non-believers, anyone who looks at me funny, Jews again just to make sure, and all those who refuse to acknowledge that Christopher Eccelstone was the best Doctor Who there aren’t many people left,” he said in a statement released today. Continue reading →

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by | · 6:50 am

Boris Johnson to renounce personality in bid to become PM

Boris-ball

Boris acquired his mad throwing skillz hurling food and plates around restaurants during his Buillingdon Club days

Boris Johnson is ditching his buffoonish persona and changing his image from the love child of the late Sir Patrick Moore and a long-haired guinea pig with a brain injury to that of a normalish human being in a bid to become PM.

“Voters will see a huge difference,” the London Mayor told journalists. “I had a lot of fun pretending to be an idiot who couldn’t keep a thought in his head or his dick in his pants but now it’s time to show that I can lead this country.” Continue reading →

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by | February 14, 2015 · 7:45 am

No more benefits for fatties, says Cameron, while fat cats remain his bestest chums

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People in fat houses shouldn’t throw lard, Dave.

David Cameron has announced the next step in his war against people who aren’t him by saying that the obese, alcoholics and drug addicts will face benefit sanctions if they don’t get better and get working.

“It is not fair to ask hardworking taxpayers to fund the benefits of people who refuse to accept the support and treatment that could help them get back to a life of work,” the Prime Minister said. “While it’s perfectly fair to force hardworking taxpayers to bail out banks and my friends in the City because massively high-stakes gambling with money that isn’t yours is an addiction that we Tories cherish and support one hundred per cent.” Continue reading →

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by | February 12, 2015 · 2:35 pm

Iain Duncan Smith adds ‘f*ck it, have the company’ clause to employment plans

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Iain Duncan Smith has finally lost the plot this week and added a ‘f*ck it, have the company’ clause to his policy of giving away houses to people that stay in work for a year.

The clause will see anyone that remains in employment for one year get a house and full ownership the company that employed them.
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