Category Archives: News

Duncan Smith ‘never noticed’ giant £350 million NHS pledge on bus

IDS

Not exactly smallprint

Evil Brexit henchman Iain Duncan Smith has expressed amazement at the existence of a massive slogan on his battlebus promising to spend £350 million per week on the NHS, insisting he “never noticed it before”.

The Brexit campaign’s battlebus, outside which the former work and pensions secretary was frequently photographed, featured the slogan: “We send the EU £350 million a week – let’s fund our NHS instead.”

Vote Leave also issued posters reading: “Let’s give our NHS the £350m the EU takes every week”, and Duncan Smith himself frequently ripped off his shirt during the campain to reveal a giant tattoo covering his chest with the same message.

Despite these apparently convincing facts, Duncan Smith remained adamant that he knew nothing about it.

The enormous NHS pledge tattooed over half his body was actually an unusual birthmark, he insisted, and he’d assumed the giant white letters on his bus were the result of vandals.

“Oh, THAT giant white slogan!” he announced, when it was pointed out that he was standing in front of it. “I see what you mean now.”

“Probably kids, spray-painting ridiculous stuff like that all over a nice bus. Whoever did it should be ashamed – ruining something perfectly good just for their own twisted pleasure.”

“I wonder if they want a place on the team?”

 

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Filed under EU referendum, News

Labour Party Support For Coxit Up

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The first bearded shadow front bench MP since Ann Widdecombe.

In a bid to kick UK political stability firmly in the nuts while the country tries to recover from an unusually bad bout of stupid; the Parliamentary Labour Party has decided that it can’t allow Jeremy Corbyn to remain as its most popular leader in a generation.

“There’s no room for selfless demonstrations of moral integrity in the modern Labour Party” said former shadow foreign secretary and twatfumbling cumblanket Hilary Benn. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, EU referendum, Independence referendum, Labour, News, Politics, Tony Blair

‘You voted for this shit, you deal with it’ Cameron tells Britain

See *that* exit? I'm going through it asap

See *that* exit? I’m going through it asap

David Cameron has told Britain that somebody else can deal with all of the shit that will come from leaving the EU, because he is not having it.

“Every economic forecaster said what would happen in the event of a vote to Leave, but you chose to believe Nigel Farage instead.” said Cameron, already packing his Margaret Thatcher memorabilia into a cardboard box.

“Falling stocks, a nosedive for the pound, early warnings of job losses from business, but that’s ok apparently, because you were made vague promises about immigration and the NHS. Well you can deal with it your fucking selves.”

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Filed under EU referendum, Europe, News, Politics

Delighted pensioners roll up their sleeves to create a vibrant new economy

oaps

Waiting for the Gangmaster for their first compulsory work detail

The silver-surfer generation woke up this morning, overjoyed by being alive, by winning the referendum, and by the prospect of the hard work of rebuilding the country.

“Not me though, love.” chuckled pensioner Elsie Duggan of Harold’s Over-The-Hill Nursing Home. “The youngsters will do it, won’t they? Those nice Polish plumbers down the road for starters, their daughters are both carers here, you know.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Economy, News, referendum

Turkey Christmas vote on knife-edge

Turkey

Happy now?

Turkeys are heading to the polls today to decide once and for all whether they should demand Christmas.

In a vote which is looking neck and neck, there is every chance that the nation’s turkeys will collectively decide that they want nothing more than to be slaughtered, roasted in fire and feasted on by salivating old Etonians.

“It’s about taking back control,” explained one turkey waiting patiently in line to be butchered. “I could live to a deeply dissatisfying  old age, or have my head cut off.”

“Well, it’s my head, and I don’t see why anyone else should tell me what to do with it.”

Celebrity Eurosceptic and glutton Michael Gove explained why a vote for Christmas was the best thing for Britain:

“Our Turkeys know that what they really need is to be smeared with butter, roasted for four hours, and basted every thirty minutes.”

“I’ve been stuffing them for years, and they don’t seem to mind a bit.”

When asked for a comment, drooling carnivore Boris Johnson merely burped and muttered something about gravy.

A spokesturkey for the Remain Alive For God’s Sake campaign expressed disbelief that so many turkeys were voting to be killed and eaten, saying: “Are you not paying attention? They are going to kill and eat us! With gravy! Is that what you want?”

“We’re game!” chorused half the voting turkeys.

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Filed under News

Gove disputes John Barnes’ assertion that he’s voting Remain

Trust me, why would I lie to you?

Michael Gove insists John Barnes will vote Leave tomorrow, despite the former England footballer clearly stating the opposite.

“The country’s had enough of so-called experts” droned the pasty cabbage-patch doll lookalike “John Barnes has set himself up as ‘an expert’ on John Barnes but has he got a hidden agenda? Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, News, Politics, referendum

Lab analysis of local kebab shop chili sauce finds ‘zero semen’ shock

Mystery solved

Mystery solved

Scientists at Dunstable Metropolitan University were stunned by results of a DNA analysis of the chili sauce at local Harold kebab shop I Shish You Not!, when data showed that no human semen was present, a new report revealed today.

“We had always assumed that the employees were rubbing themselves off like a troop of monkeys back there,” commented Dr Pauline Copland, lead food scientist at Dunstable Met where the study was performed.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Around Harold, Business, DNA, Food, Health, News, science, spam

Some celebrity relationship bullshit going on with Taylor Swift

Dating Taylor Swift? We're not really sure

Dating Taylor Swift? We’re not really sure

There is some kind of celebrity relationship bullshit happening, involving Taylor Swift and a man, or possibly two men, who are also celebrities, and apparently this is headline news.

Swift, who sells music, tweets about stuff and sues people, has recently broken up with one of the men and is now dating the other one, who does not play football for Hull City despite having a very similar name to somebody who does. Continue reading

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Filed under News

George Osborne would be forced to eat your children in event of Brexit

I’d eat them with some fava beans

If Britain votes to leave the EU George Osborne will have no option but to eat your children in order to survive, the Chancellor has claimed in a statement today.

This drastic move would occur in tandem with massive tax rises and savage cuts to public services.

“Brexit would hit the economy so hard that I would have no option but to immediately increase the basic rate of income tax to one hundred percent, put VAT up to a million percent and cut public services to the point that your bins are only collected once every fifteen years.” Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics, referendum

Public now nostalgic for when the news, social media was all celebrity deaths

Public would now accept the death of three national treasures to escape referendum debate on Facebook

Public would now accept the death of three national treasures to escape referendum debate on Facebook

The dreadful sequence of deaths of much-loved musicians, comedians and actors that saw in the year now looks like a golden age of feel-good news against the nightly horror show the public suffer now, says everyone.

As sad as it was to lose Bowie, Rickman, Wogan and Wood, there was a sense of gladness for having known them and their work which is completely absent from the current onslaught of unadulterated misery.

And as a bewildering bonfire of hatred and rage threatens to engulf their Facebook timelines, people are longing for a return to the simple times when all they had to do was tweet about how sad they are that a singer has died.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, breaking news, Entertainment, EU referendum, Europe, Facebook, Law and Order, News, Nostalgia, Obituary, Showbusiness, Social media, Society, USA

Curry vat seagull runs for President on anti-migratory bird platform

curry gullA seagull who fell into a vat of curry launched a bid to be President of all the Seagulls by saying he will ban all migratory birds from the UK.

The newly bright orange gull nicknamed ‘Donald’ immediately blamed his plight on foreign birds who come to the UK stealing prime seaside food scraps from under the noses of local birds, forcing them to scavenge in less desirable locations such as curry houses.
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Filed under News

Morrissey expecting “major ker-ching” when Queen dies

Former Smiths front-man Steven “Morrissey” Morrissey spends his days quietly scanning the Times obituary columns for news of Queen Elizabeth II, knowing that when she finally does pass away, his 1986 Album ‘The Queen is Dead’ will most likely be swept to number 1 by a sombre, patriotic nation.

Morrissey practising his mournful look

Morrissey practising his mournful look

“We [The Smiths] toyed with the idea of a perennial Christmas song, like Mariah Carey and Wham did, but the market was a bit crowded, so ‘How Soon is Christmas?’ eventually became the track we all know as ‘How Soon is Now?’, and ‘Santa in a Coma’ just got binned,” chirped the happy-go-lucky crooner.

“Then Johnny [Marr] said we should put down a track that played the long game – a little retirement bonus for us if you will – and we bounced around some ideas for blue ocean strategies, where we would be guaranteed to be the go-to track when some inevitable future event happened.”

That track was ‘The Queen is Dead’, and the album of the same name became one of the defining albums of the eighties, but Morrissey expects a revival of its success when the Queen finally does die.

Morrissey points to the boost Prince got when 1999 eventually happened, and the windfall enjoyed by The Primitives following the death of Princess Diana, and chuckles, “This is one set of royalties I’m really looking forward to.”

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Filed under Art, Business, Culture, Entertainment, music, News, Nostalgia, Obituary, Royals

MP Sarah Wollaston swaps sides to a different set of liars

sarah_wollaston

I’ve thrown my lot in with different psychopaths, such as David Cameron and George Osborne

Dr Wollaston, Tory chairman of the Health Select Committee, has clambered aboard the other EU referendum horse and galloped off in the opposite direction.

“It was a shock to find that Boris Johnson and Michael Gove were psychopaths, lying about spending £350 million a week more on the NHS. Who knew?” said Dr Wollaston yesterday. “So I’ve thrown my lot in with different psychopaths such as David Cameron and George Osborne.”

Wollaston was pleased that she could both remain a Tory MP and retain her professional integrity.

“And luckily. my position on the Hippocratic Oath is unaffected. There’s nothing in there about selling off the NHS.”

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Filed under Health, Medicine, News, Politics

Bible knowledge “applies to refugees, not to me” says Home Secretary

May_oo

“I’ll have what she’s having.” May watches a deportation

“I’ve been going to church for years” explained Mrs May “so I’ve no need to prove I’m a christian.

An Iranian though might be tempted to pretend to be so by our subsistence benefits, risking nothing more than public execution of his or her whole family if the Iranian religious police learn about it.” Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics

Cameron sad that his attempt at child abandonment now looks crap

Capture8888

Stylish: all Asian black bears have the Batman logo on their chests. They’re massive fans.

David Cameron has spoke of his disappointment now that the news that seven year old Yamato Tanooka has been found after spending six days alone in a bear-filled forest makes him look rubbish.

“When I’d had it up to here with one of my kids I simply left her behind in rather a nice pub,” he said. “Yamato’s parents took it to another level. That really was one hell of a naughty step the little chap was put on.” Continue reading

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Filed under News

Farage on Brexit “we’ll lose the bad stuff & keep all the good bits, we’re not mad.”

pub_landlord_farage

Trust me, I was a commodities trader

UKIP’s leader has clarified that, after a Leave vote, all the good things about the EU will carry on because it’s only the bad things that will disappear.

“May I give you an analogy?” roared Farage, adding, without a pause “It’s like a divorce. The jilted one won’t shred the contents of their partner’s wardrobe and scatter the smoking remnants in the front garden. Or leave his classic vinyl collection in the microwave.” Continue reading

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Filed under EU referendum, Europe, News, Politics

Cincinnati Zoo to offer mobile cages so parents can not supervise their children safely

cincy-zooIn the wake of the tragic death of a 17 year old gorilla, Cincinnati Zoo plan to introduce portable cages to house children and their bored parents as they wander aimlessly round the zoo.

Zoo director Thayne Maynard said it appeared to be unrealistic to expect parents to look after their own children, so mobile cages were the obvious answer.
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Final list of scapegoats for England’s Euro 2016 failure announced

hodgson

Hodgson has been practicing this expression for after every match

Roy Hodgson has confirmed the squad of players with whom he will share the blame for another crushing defeat at the national game.

As expected, Wayne Rooney remains as Captain and role model for the younger players “I was an exciting prospect myself ten years ago” said Mr Potato Head “but I learned to cut out the clever stuff and play the traditional England way.” He says the squad have watched Rugby Union videos to help embed the principles of passing backwards. Continue reading

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Filed under 1966, News, Sport

Everybody suddenly an expert on behaviour of gorillas

gorilla2

“Nah, he’ll be fine. David Attenborough didn’t have any problems.”

After a gorilla was shot dead at a zoo in Cincinnati, it has emerged that everybody on facebook is massively knowledgeable about the behaviour and body language of adult gorillas.

Zoo officials shot the gorilla to protect a four-year-old boy who had fallen into the enclosure, but social media’s ever ready population of under-informed, over-opinionated users reckon the child was in no danger, and could maybe even have been left there for the gorillas to raise as one of their own. Continue reading

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Filed under idiots, News, Social media, USA

Man doesn’t visit Garden or DIY Centre at Bank Holiday

DIY_superstore

At every visit, something  inside you dies

A man from the quiet English village of Harold has stumped ‘Quest TV’ viewers and lifestyle experts alike by not buying plants or pozidriv screws this weekend.

Family man Gary Thorne, 43, a driver with Harold Bus Company, lives an otherwise unremarkable life as a devoted husband and a keen voyeur, swinger, and dogger. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, News