People in the UK and around the world are said to be ‘disappointed’ to learn that the headline ‘One Direction caned’ wasn’t what they thought.
“I was disgusted when I found out they had been smoking a bit of dope,” one upset music fan told us.
“I was hoping there were caned as a punishment for the crap songs the have inflicted on the world.
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Anti-abortion, pro-capital punishment ticks all boxes for Sarah
Tea Party poster girl Sarah Palin says the Sudanese Court decision to let a condemned woman give birth before being executed showed the sort of Republican values sadly absent in the United States.
“To see a foreign government so anti-abortion and pro-capital punishment is very pleasing” says Palin. “Apparently Sudan has no food stamps or Obamacare and they love guns too – it sounds like paradise. I might go there for a holiday – I’ve never been to Asia before.”
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‘Detective Dads’ line up to solve the mystery
Makers of the popular crime solving franchise have announced they are to set the latest ‘Crime Scene Investigation’ series on the M1 in Buckinghamshire.
With the successes of the original CSI, CSI New York, and CSI Miami, producers of the hit show are hoping CSI Rubberneckers will highlight the skills used to solve car crashes on main arterial routes, often by detectives whose qualifications come from watching back-to-back episodes of ‘Motorway Cops’ on the iPlayer.
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No this isn’t Dave, but it’s a scary thought isn’t it?
A complicated fraud trial has been halted by a Judge because of cuts at the Ministry of Justice.
“To be strictly accurate, there is essentially one ‘Cut’ responsible.” said Alex Cameron QC, working free of charge on the application yesterday, “Chris Grayling, known as the ‘Unkindest Cut of all’ down at the Bailey. At least I think that’s what they call him.” Continue reading
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Filed under Crime, Law and Order, News, Politics
Investigators think he might be lion.
A pride of lions has sought to distance itself from a vehicle blaze in their enclosure at Longleat.
Despite ‘vaguely smelling of turps’, investigators have so far failed to pin the blame on the big cats, who categorically denied they’d put a tiger in the tank.
Michelle Evans is a forensic keeper at the park, and thinks the lions may have paid some chimps to monkey with the car’s cooling system.
“The family think their car overheated in slow traffic, but if that was the case the M6 would be ablaze from Knutsford right through to the M56”, she explained. “We’re pretty sure an alpha male bribed the chimps to rub their muck in the radiator, and sat back and waited for the females to bring a meal back from the drive-thru.”
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Filed under environment, Law and Order, Nature
“You’re kidding!” Evans sees his lawyer’s invoice
Nigel Evans will not re-apply for the Conservative whip until he knows if his recent defence costs will be met by the CPS, say friends.
“Obviously, as a Tory, I’d be opposed to any increase in state funding, especially for defending alleged criminals” said the former Conservative MP.
“However, just as obviously, as a flesh and blood human being, I feel very hard-done-by and frankly, to quote my bank manager, ‘completely skint’”. Continue reading
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An expert from Sotheby’s has confirmed that a medieval-looking manuscript he found in the kitchen of a vegetarian restaurant in Harold is an authentic Chaucerian artefact from the mid-fourteenth century.
Restaurant owner Pippa Delaney was incredulous on hearing the news. “I can’t believe how long I’ve been saying I must sort out that kitchen drawer,” she said.
“Quaint little villages like Harold are full of priceless gems from yesteryear, tucked away in cupboards and attics,” said the Sotheby’s expert. “I just had a gut feeling in Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! although that may have been the lentil and three-bean soup.”
“Well, thank goodness he asked for a rummage in my drawers,” said Pippa, “I would have put that smelly scrap of paper in the bin for sure. The mustiness was bad enough, but the handwriting and spelling were a disgrace.”
Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Culture, Dating, Economy, Law and Order, Politics
Possibly planning acts of terrorism, but probably not.
The Harold police force has admitted that a recent focus on ant terrorism was “almost certainly” a result of a typing error, with the number of arrests still standing at zero after more than six months of hard work.
“I went to a regional conference on policing in Luton and there was a lot going on so I struggled to keep up but made the best notes I could.” explained an embarrassed PC Flegg, “There was a whole section on anti-terrorism techniques, but it would appear that when I came to type up my notes I missed the i off anti.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Law and Order, News
Not so much as a pooper scooper.
Pest control officers are struggling to cope with a growing number of dangerous mythical creatures around Harold.
Already this week, Elvis Smith has been called out to tackle a Cerberus and five centaurs, and one vague description of a pegasus.
“Fortunately the Cerberus turned out to be a man walking three dogs at once”, revealed Smith, “and the centaurs were all girls on ponies. But it’s only a matter of time before I have to deal with something properly incredible. The council ought to give me some magical armour, or a super power or something.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Health, Law and Order
Beast of Harold (artist’s impression)
Villagers on the outskirts of Harold spoke yesterday of their fear and horror after numerous sightings of a mysterious beast were reported.
Residents spoke of hearing a continuous low growl, the sound of claws scraping over stone, a heavy chain dragging and other sinister and otherworldly noises.
Those who saw what has been called The Beast of Harold, describe it as a large, dog-like dark-furred animal, around the size of a Shetland pony and with amber eyes which blazed an iridescent green in torchlight.
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Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, environment, Farming, Law and Order, Pagans, Pets
Luckily, Rose Lee had 40 surplus dogs available
Fairly popular local animal charity, Harold Dog Rescue, is appealing for urgent financial help, following a break-in over last weekend.
“When I woke up on Monday morning, I was horrified to find that all forty dogs had been nicked” said centre manager Alison Lee, who was only appointed last month. “The very worst thing is that our well-meaning elderly and retired volunteers now have nothing to do. So as an emergency measure, we decided to buy in some new stock.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Law and Order, News, Pets
The Law is Just Above an Arse.
The Police Association has reacted angrily to plans to house magistrates in police stations, claiming they wouldn’t be ‘on-the-spot enough’.
Instead, they want to see officers carrying tiny judges with them, either in back packs or a proper legal case.
The Truncheon Foundation, a forward-leaning police think-tank, is some of the brain behind the suggestion. It believes that by only employing magistrates considerably under 5-foot tall, police officers wouldn’t struggle to carry the judicial system.
“By adopting the ‘midgetstrate’, Britain’s police would be more efficient”, said PC Flegg. “Think of it as a cross between RoboCop, Judge Dredd and Jeremy Kyle.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Law and Order, Politics
Former Daily Mirror editor Piers Morgan has been questioned in front of a live audience of detectives by police investigating phone hacking in the latest ITV programme, Piers Morgan’s (slightly dodgy) Life Story.
The episode, which sees the tables turned on the chat show host and twitter warrior, was hosted by the officers in charge of Operation Weeting with Morgan answering questions about his past. It is understood Morgan was in tears as he recalled an upsetting phone call, between an A-list celebrity and his lover.
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Texas inmates kill some time en route to Denmark
Texas Governor Rick Perry announced the outsourcing move in a packed news conference at state capital Austin. “The Danes just got on with the job, no bleeding heart liberal pinko appeals was going to halt their show. If they managed to ignore a Facebook campaign with hundreds of thousands of likes, they ain’t likely gunna worry what a handful of Supreme Court Justices say” said Governor Perry.
“And ya gotta love their execution method – bolt to the head, chopped into little pieces, and then fed to the lions, yea baby! I’d love to see how those ambulance chasing lawyers will argue the miscreants are suffering too long now!”
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Filed under International News, Law and Order
After yesterday’s announcement by Twitter it had made a loss of $645M, the micro-blogging site’s share price and ‘trial by twitter’ credibility took another hit today when Coronation Street actor Bill Roache was found not guilty of historical sexual assault charges.
“It turns out that sometimes our policy of users finding someone guilty without any facts isn’t as full proof as we thought,” Twitter’s CEO Dick Costolo told us.
“Normally, with the likes of Sally Bercow on our Jury of millions, we can call someone guilty before they have even been arrested, replacing the traditional ‘innocent until proven guilty’ judicial system with a ‘throw enough shit and it might stick’ technique.
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Over here! Stubborn stain under the arm!
Chief constables are to press home secretary Theresa May to authorise the use of a powerful new water cannon after London mayor Boris Johnson raised serious concerns about the smell of poor people rioting.
The Association of Chief Police Officers (Acpo) says that “the likelihood of increased protests as austerity measures increase into the summer is certain to cause a ‘perfect storm’ of hotter days and unwashed protesters, leading to the atmosphere in central London becoming unbearable”.
The new cannon, a Ziegler Wasserwerfer 9000, can get through its 9,000 litres of water in just five minutes on ‘quick wash’, with the water kept at a constant 5C to “safeguard the health of protesters and protect delicate woollens.” Continue reading
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Filed under Law and Order
Medics eventually arrived to rub salt into his wounds.
Tony Blair is said to be in a critical condition after a member of the public carried out a routine citizen’s Stop and Search on the former PM.
‘have-a-go-hero’ Melanie Jones spotted Blair driving around in broad daylight, and instinctively knew she should bring him in.
“It was so brazen, this known criminal was just cruising around without so much as a by your leave”, said Jones. “So I slammed my car into the side of his before shooting him in citizen’s self defence.”
Police eventually arrived on the scene after consulting their lawyers and carrying out a risk assessment. Later they decided that they ought to email for an ambulance, as soon as they’d finished searching the scene for incriminating evidence.
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Filed under Crime, Law and Order, News, Politics
Lord Rennard relaxing inside a swan’s bottom
Nick Clegg is considering a radical overhaul of the legal system, to create a compromise somewhere between guilty and innocent.
‘The third way’ will be trialled on the completely innocent sex peer Lord Rennard, who may not have done anything wrong but should still be forced to apologise.
“Sometimes, the extremes of ‘guilty’ and ‘not guilty’ can be far too judgmental”, said Clegg. “And choosing one or the other can leave the defendant or prosecutor feeling a bit dis-empowered.”
“Isn’t it better to leave both parties equally disgruntled and confused? Shouldn’t justice be a ‘no score draw’? Of course it should, that’s the Liberal Democrat way.”
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Filed under Law and Order, Politics, Sex
High-texecution!
After running out of the usual drugs used in lethal injections, Ohio officials were forced this week to improvise the latest execution using nothing more than common kitchen ingredients and a large turkey baster.
Pharmaceutical companies have started to realise that their reputations can actually sink even lower, and have stopped supplying drugs used in executions. This has had the unfortunate effect of inconveniencing US states in a hurry to off criminals before they can appeal, with the result that officials are having to find ever more elaborate and inventive ways of killing their fellow citizens. Continue reading
Filed under International News, Law and Order
Lethal
A woman who threw a message in a bottle into the North Sea more than 20 years ago has finally been tracked down and arrested after it was discovered in the Netherlands.
Louise Darling, from the village of Harold, was 10 when she threw the note as she went on holiday on a ferry from Hull to Belgium on 12 September 1990.
She thought nothing more of it, until this Christmas, when her house was cordoned off by hundreds of heavily-armoured riot police who dragged her handcuffed from the house under close surveillance from an elite team of army snipers.
Her letter, discovered by an elderly Dutch couple walking on the beach near the port of Vissershaven, had read: “Dear finder, my name is Louise. Please would you write to me, I would like it a lot.
“I am 10 years old and I like ballet, playing the flute and the piano. I have a hamster called Sparkle and a fish called Speckle.”
Ms Darling said she was surprised not just at how far the message had travelled, but also at being arrested under anti-terrorist legislation and detained without charge waiting for rendition to a compliant Eastern-European nation with lax human rights.
Trevor Pearce, Director-General of the Serious Organised Crime Agency, issued a statement congratulating officers for their courage and tenacity in an operation which has lasted two decades.
“These are the sort of bastards we’re out to get,” he explained. “Scum like this think they can launch attacks on the fabric of our society, but they won’t get away with it. This bottle could have contained a fast-acting deadly nerve gas rendering the whole North Sea toxic.”
“It didn’t, but it could have done.”
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Filed under Law and Order, Lost and Found
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